Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... Sunshine and a soft breeze.

I am thinking... About my nephew who is celebrating a birthday today, about my cousin that celebrated a birthday yesterday, and my husband who celebrated his birthday the day before that, the food I need to prepare for a picnic we're attending this afternoon, the massive curriculum order I need to place, the fact that Jordan still needs to complete his homework, the stuff I need to do in preparation for the new season of Cub Scouts that begins this week, and the big change that is happening to our homeschool online platform that is happening in T-minus 38:21 hours, and I still have to figure out how to get 120 invites sent out to our membership.

I am thankful... For the slight change in my medication.  I had a very productive initial Dr. visit with a new psychiatrist last week.  I am currently taking 30mg of Prozac daily, but am feeling 'flat' and unmotivated.  So after reviewing my situation and current mental health, he recommended adding 150mg Wellbutrin to the Prozac.  I've got a long-term low grade depression, layered with a more immediate depression that comes and goes with the times.  The Wellbutrin should help stabilize things and help me with the motivation piece so that I can move beyond the current 'hole' that I feel like I am trapped in right now.  (hole = always feeling like I am behind and overwhelmed, and helpless to stop the cycle).

From the Learning Rooms... The kids and I are about to get into the full swing of things when their curriculum arrives later this week. (hopefully - it is the busy season for that, so shipping may be an issue).  We have been doing math, history and science these past weeks, but I am anxious to get the Language Arts stuff going.  Jordan is doing well with his transition to public high school.  I have a blog post in production about that...

In the kitchen... I am making black-eyed pea dip and monster cookies for the picnic later today.  About 45 people are attending.  That's a whole lotta cookies.

I am wearing... pjs!

I am creating... Trying to decide between Trello, Workflowy, Sticky Notes, Kanban, and Wunderlist as a way to keep track of what I need to do.  Part of why I feel sooo overwhelmed is that I have a lot on my plate, and minimal executive function to keep track of it all.  My old brain injury is rearing it's ugly head and lots of stuff is falling through the cracks.  I have about 40% follow-thru on most stuff right now, because of it.  That is all a part of the vicious cycle that keeps beating down my ability to cope and feel good about myself.

I am going... To a picnic later today with our Ingress friends.  I am looking forward to it - they are a fun bunch of people.

I am wondering... About the great horned owl I heard outside our bedroom window the other night.  It was really neat to hear, but I've never heard an owl in our neighborhood before.  Makes me worry about the neighbor's cat that likes to prowl around.

I am reading... I just finished reading The Bishop's Wife, by Mette Ivie Harrison.  I love murder mysteries, and to add the Mormonism element to it was the icing on the cake, because Mormonism is a mystery all in its self.  I just like reading about things I know little about so that I learn something new.  I read it in two days.  I haven't been lost in a book like that in months.  My husband hates it because I completely ignore everything else when I am absorbed in a book, but I feel it is good for me from time to time.  I need time away from myself, lol...

I am hoping... to get in another 10K steps today.  Yesterday was the first day I managed that in I don't know how long.  I got myself a new FitBit Charge for my birthday earlier this month, and I am loving it!

I am looking forward to... the picnic of course, but not much else this week.  It's a busy week coming up full of stressssssss.  :/  So I am looking forward to next weekend.

I am learning... how to juggle.  Just kidding.  I don't think there are any spare brain cells to think about learning anything right now.

I am hearing... Ghoststories by Coldplay on the headphones, but unfortunately it does not drown out the kids arguing in the kitchen as Rylan is making pancakes and Colin, Owen and Jordan are discussing Geometry Dash.

Around the house... Dog hair.  Lots and lots of dog hair.  Abby's seasonal shed is in full swing.

I am pondering... shaving her.  No, not really.  I made that mistake with my first husky, Kai.  My dad helped my shave her, and she wouldn't look at me for weeks.  I think she felt embarrassed.  Dean keeps threatening to take Abby to the groomers.  I don't think she would like that at. all.

One of my favorite things... A clean kitchen counter.  I managed to get two different areas cleaned up this past week.  The feeling was awesome.  And then kids and husband ruined it all.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Rylan begins a new year of dance this week.  She is taking ballet and jazz again, and luckily they are on the same day, back-to-back, which means one less round trip for me.  yay!  Also, Owen begins his new season of Cub Scouts this week.  I am stepping into the new role of assistant leader of his den this year, because the one from last year quit abruptly early last spring, I am an idiot/glutton for punishment and also because no other parent offered to.  Luckily, Mark, the den leader, is a well-seasoned scout and knows how to run things pretty well - I'm just an extra pair of hands, really.  It is a small group, so hopefully it won't be too much work.  Also, the BSA does an excellent of spelling out everything to do in the manual.  Unlike the Girl Scouts that are so disorganized it's pointless.


Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

My husband, Dean, celebrated birthday #45 on Friday.  The kids and I drove down to his work to take him out to lunch at Oskar Blues.  Yum!

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Doing nothing about everything

I will say that life is good.  Just...good.  I've thoroughly enjoyed my summer of just 'being'.  We had the most minimal schedule - ever.  And it was good.  Actually, it was great.  It was also just about all I could handle.  Last year just sent me into an abyss that seemed to have no bottom.  I'm still working on finding the light.  I came across this quote today, and it is the first thing I have read in a long, long time that adequately explains how I feel most of the time.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

My oldest is entering high school in T-minus 36 hours, and I feel scared.  Scared that I didn't do enough, teach him enough, counsel him enough - yet I'm tired of constantly worrying about it.  I'm tired of sounding like the broken record I don't want to be.  Tired of thinking about the needs of the kids, when I should be placing some importance on my own needs.  Parenting is overwhelming to me at times - the precarious act of being scared AND tired, constantly.

It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

This is a thousand times worse when you are a stay-at-home parent and a home educator.  It's the time I spend on Pinterest finding all sorts of activities I will never actually do.  It's the evil of perfectionism.  It's my 5 year old that is still working on potty-training.  It's my 7 year old that is still learning to read.  It's my 15 year old that has horrendous table manners.  I take all of these failures very personally.  Even though they are not about me at all, and technically not my failures and the fact that the 7 year old can't read yet is actually pretty normal.  It circles back to scared and tired.  I'm scared that my 15 year old will blow it on the first day of school by spewing food on his classmates during the lunch hour and forever making the wrong impression.  But, I have a serious lack of urge to do anything about it, because, after 10 years of lecturing him on a daily basis about the basics of mealtime decency, he still doesn't 'get it'.  Same with the 5 year old that still has no clue about when to make the effort to get to the bathroom.  It's the half-finished paint job in the open floor plan livingroom/kitchen that is stalled out because all of a sudden I am unsure about the paint color.  Fuck it.  Old spaghetti sauce stains are better than the wrong color of beige, right?  

It's wanting friends but hate socialising.

Facebook is my own worst enemy.  It's the friends that post pictures of fun that doesn't include you, but if they actually had, you wouldn't really have wanted to go anyway because of a thousand different reasons that have nothing to do with not wanting to see your friends.  It's the desperate need to share a coffee with a dear friend, but fear of rejection so you don't ask.  And besides, you're too tired to go through the hassle.

It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.

I'm an introvert, so spending time alone is almost preferred.  Except when the anxiety creeps in that I'm alone too much and afraid that everyone thinks I'm standoffish.  And so then I am a failure at socializing properly, yet to work on it would require effort.

It's caring about everything, then caring about nothing.

I care that my children are fed and clothed and cared for.  Yet....there are days I don't really give a crap if they eat nothing but carrot sticks and popsicles, stay in their pjs and go to bed late.  Some days it is just too difficult to keep the plates spinning.  Ok.. Most days.

It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb.

You read about the latest atrocity dealt to innocent people by various terrorist groups.  You feel helpless, hopeless, deeply sad and distressed... and then you feel numb.  You feel the stress of doctor appointments, committee tasks, emails, deadlines, activity schedules - no more so than the average person has to deal with, but for you, it all comes too fast and furious, and you can't process it all, so you retreat to your room and take a nap.  And stay there.  The kids are yelling downstairs....  The dog is barking to be let in...  The cellphone is downstairs but you can hear the ping of text messages coming through.  And still you do not move.  

This has been my mental health struggle for the past several months.  My don't-give-a-shit days number far too many still, but there is gradual improvement.  At the end of the month I will be seeing a new counselor/psychiatrist, and I am pretty sure there will be a med tweak.  I'm currently on Prozac, but I just don't like the side-effects.  I feel 'flat', with little affect, my energy is super low and my weight is going up.  

Now, for the good news, I bought myself a new FitBit for my birthday last week, and I love how it motivates me.  I know that getting back into a regular exercise routine will help me in numerous ways - as long as the fear of failure doesn't get in the way.  I also made the decision to take homeschooling by the horns again - on my own, without Calvert.  I feel like this is a risky move - given my don't-give-a-shit attitude of late, but I can't take any more pressure like I had to put up with last year.

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

To read more entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

New Roof, Physical Therapy, Traffic Flow, Birthday and Friendship Blues, Schedule Hell

New Roof

I don't think I mentioned it, but our new roof went on 7/29, two days before my ACL surgery.  I got up early and reparked the cars, we moved the roofing materials that we had stored temporarily in our garage for a few days out onto the driveway, and then a couple van loads of roofers showed up at 7:14 a.m. and got busy.  They were fast, efficient, and stuff was flying off our roof within 15 minutes.  Not a moment was spared.  The kids and I watched chucks of roofing fall from the sky for the next couple hours.  The sound was loud, but not deafening, unless you were in the garage.  In there, chunks of wood were falling from the ceiling.  We left for about three hours for errands and then came back.  Storms moved in around 1 p.m., the rain started to really come down at 2 p.m., and still they carried on with the work.  The entire job was done, the yard was picked clean, and they were on their way at 4:10 p.m.  I have only found two nails in the days since, so they did a really good job with the clean up.  The new roof looks absolutely beautiful.

Physical Therapy

I have made it through my first week of physical therapy on my knee.  I only have anywhere from 7-11 weeks to go.  The difference between my physical therapy this time around and the therapy I had on my shoulder is like night and day.  My shoulder therapist (different clinic) was cool, indifferent, and she did no manual therapy (like massage) on my very stiff and sore joint.  The only thing I did was lift weights in all sorts of different directions.  This time around, in a clinic in the same building as my surgeon, I am with the nicest therapist, ever.  Except that what she makes me do hurts more than you can imagine.  She massages my knee first, loosening my very stiff and swollen knee, and then has me work almost exclusively on contracting my quadricep - over and over, to strengthen my weakened leg.  Twice now it has been done with the help of a vicious torture device called STEM, which delivers an electric current to my muscle, to make it contract.  It hurts so bad it brings tears to my eyes, but I know it has to be done.  The nice thing is that after it is over, I get to relax while a nicer version of STEM massages the muscles and a bag of ice helps with the swelling.  I had the rest of my stitches pulled out last week, and just yesterday I graduated from the walker to a single crutch, which I use opposite of my bum knee.  I struggle with hyperextending my knee backwards (due to weak muscle control), so I have to walk very slowly, concentrating on keeping my knee bent ever-so-slightly as I move.  Now that I can walk with a free hand means that I can now carry a few things, which is like a whole new world.  I hated being so dependent on others to carry absolutely every little thing for me from point A to point B.  Therapy will continue for the next several weeks, twice a week, for an hour each visit, plus the time to drive 70 miles round trip to get there.  The good thing is, Dean can drive over from his office and meet me there and take the kids for the hour while I am in there.  The bad thing is it occurs right in the middle of the day, which isn't conducive to proper homeschooling.  :(

Traffic Flow

I've had a lot of people flow in and out of the house in the past couple of weeks.  Normally that is a thing that makes me break out into a cold sweat because that means people are in our house and they can see it for the messy disaster it is.  Dean really got things into shape while he was home that first week, and we have been fighting like hell to keep it that way.  So far we have had multiple visits from the window contractor, a couple of different guys who delivered and set up medical equipment pertinent to my knee rehab, the parents of Rylan's friend that lives on our street - as they shuttle the girls back and forth on play dates, my cousin and aunt who paid me a visit, my mom's cousin visited for a day... lots of traffic flow.  In the first few days, I was stuck in bed.  The contractor CAME TO THE BEDROOM to discuss plans for replacement windows with me.  He and Dean had toured all over the house, while I had to stay in the passive motion machine.  I was not exactly up for wandering around the house, anyway.  The contractor seemed totally nonplussed by it.  On his next visit, he had a measuring guy with him, and he was totally uncomfortable with it.  He couldn't even make eye contact.  So while there was a ton of traffic, what I wished is that it wasn't a parade of strangers in my house, but a continual flow of friends instead.  The visit from my cousin and aunt, my mom's cousin, my brother, mom and dad were all very nice indeed.  They were integral in keeping my spirits up, but I wish it had been more.

Birthday and Friendship Blues

My birthday on the 8th sucked.  Several of my family members were on a cruise, and they were out at sea on the day of, so phone calls could not be made.  I was in pretty serious pain.  I was still struggling with an ineffective dosage amount of my pain meds, plus terrible cramping in the gut, and all I could do was curl into the fetal position and lay there.  Which meant I wasn't in the mood for company.  Which meant that I was left alone for hours (my own doing, not because my family was not taking care of me), with no means of getting anything I needed when the need did arise.  By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was dehydrated, had very low blood-sugar, and thoroughly pissed off for even being in that state.  We were to meet my dad for dinner and ice cream, and I could barely keep my bearings in the car, as woozy and dizzy as I was.  Dinner helped, the ice cream was better, so the day felt a little salvaged, somewhat.  In looking back, it was just an unfortunate confluence of a lot of different circumstances that couldn't be helped, that made the day what it was.  There was a nice trickle of messages throughout the day on Facebook, and that helped, but you know... I've had a lot of time to lie around, thinking about different things.  Friendship, and what it means, has come to mind a lot lately.  This recovery has been one long and lonely road.  My phone has been rather silent, my inbox a little too empty, and my heart a little heavy.

I've talked about these friendship troubles with Dean at length, as he lets me vent and feel sorry for myself.  He sees that at times I hold myself distant from friends, and that I close myself off.  I think that is true.  There are so many hurts and let-downs in my past that I think I use that as a protective measure so that I don't get hurt anymore.  But I think that loneliness hurts even more.  So, take a moment and give thanks if you have that close circle of friends that rally behind you when you face adversity.  If you have that friend that shows up with a cup of coffee and stays an hour to visit with you and makes you laugh to momentarily take your mind off your pain or your troubles, if you have that friend that calls you up to see how you are doing - just because, if you have that friend that drops off a new library book, or a casserole, or fresh produce or flowers from her garden.... you are so, so lucky.  Friendship is precious.  I have a lot work to do in the department of being a good friend and creating better friendships.

Schedule Hell

School starts for us tomorrow.  It is not the *official* first day for Colorado Calvert Online Academy, but we are getting a head start so that we can figure out how it all works beforehand.  The new school room is ready, but not quite ready for pictures.  I still have a few more things to get put away today.  For the past several months I have been hard at work clearing our schedule so that when we did make the jump and start up with Calvert, nothing during the daytime hours got in our way as a distraction.  Then I tore my ACL, and the rehab alone will steal hours from our school time.  Then, late last week, I realized I completely forgot something when planning out our fall schedule.  I spaced that Lego NXT is starting up again.  Both Rylan and Jordan are on Lego NXT teams.  Rylan is on an all-girls team, and her practices started last week.  I love Lego.  I love that they are excited about Lego.  I just don't love the time slot they practice in very much.  Monday-Thursday, for two hours each day, Jordan and Rylan will alternate days for their practice sessions.  I don't have a schedule yet for the times when Jordan, Rylan and Owen meet online with their teachers, but I anticipate we will have a serious time conflict in very short order.  I keep telling myself that Lego and therapy will only last until mid-November, but that is not helping very much.  This was not the start I was envisioning.  I'm already stressed...

Moms' Night Out: A movie review

This past Saturday afternoon I joined a few of my homeschooling mom friends for a couple hours of fun and freedom to take in the movie 'Moms' Night Out'. I had seen the preview at the beginning of the month, and I was really looking forward to it because it looked like it was pretty funny, but not in a silly farce type of way. Luckily I went into the movie not knowing about the mixed reception it was getting in social media, because..

 

I LOVED it!

 

Social media and all the men (!) and women waving their feminist flags can shut the hell up, because this movie nailed it. What is 'it'? Why, it's the inner thoughts and life experiences of the stay-at-home-mom, or SAHM. The raw truth of how much it can suck yet be wonderful all at the same time hurt me in a way that is hard to describe, but it was a good kind of hurt. For once, up there on the big screen, was a woman who was so like me inside her head that it was pretty damn scary. Like, really scary.

I love my life. I really do. But the hard days can sometimes be too much. The child who you thought was potty trained has six separate accidents. And that's just in the morning. The child who insists on pouring his own cup of juice from the full gallon of apple juice. And misses. The dentist appointments, the realization of forgotten ballet shoes upon arrival at class, the child who refuses to go to bed, or get out of bed, pick up their wet towels, charge their phones, finish their math assignment, feed the cat, scrape up the mystery sticky stuff of the table or pick up their socks...from the middle of the backyard. The days when you can't find anything because there is just so much crap, everywhere. The laundry, the dishes, the unopened mail, the schoolwork, the ......just...everything....everything is behind, everything is in need of cleaning, feeding, or some sort of repair. And you have no idea where to start. Not a clue. It's two hours past bedtime and you have no strength left for the the fight. You just want to sink to the floor of a dark closet and cry into your bowl of ice cream. The ice cream you keep on hand for this very purpose, the ice cream that you hide in the back corner of the freezer, hidden inside some nondescript Tupperware. All you ever want is to just get slightly ahead. To be in the anticipatory stage instead of the reactionary. To be ahead - for just once. Just once.

This movie may have hit a nerve for some, but for those of us who are SAHMs - and we come in all sorts of varieties - this movie was a first in calling attention to our fears and needs, and elevating the role we play. We are important and we matter. Sure, we arrived at this station via different routes - some by choice and some not so much - but we are here, so let's support one another. Our job is not for the faint of heart.

 

I want to say a heartfelt thank you to the creative (homeschooled!) minds who put this movie and its message together...it was the laugh, the cry, the pat on the back that I needed.

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April afterthoughts...

I just had the most amazing month of April in...well...let's just say, a decade. It has taken me a long, long, time to make my peace with April, since the month is crazy violent (every effn' YEAR!) and also marks some pretty unhappy anniversaries in my own life. I made up my mind months ago that this year was going to be different. I was not going to wallow in self-pity and I was only going to keep the barest minimum of the news on my radar. I was going to stay busy and actively work on making some changes within myself and within our family dynamic. I was also going to go med free (no antidepressant) and see how it felt.

Colin started the month off with a bang by breaking his leg. Diversion tactic! Good one, bud... you got my back! ;)

All these years, as tons of good things have come my way - a marriage, three babies, the new lifestyle of homeschooling, friends and so forth... it's been good - but it's been too much change all at once. I have been fighting for breath, operating in survival mode for years, and it has taken its mental and physical toll. I spent a good amount of last year taking care of some of the physical things. But the mental part - whoa that is tough. I created a life over the past several years that keeps me very busy. Busy means less time for emotional investment or risk of getting hurt. I'm involved. I'm connected. Just...not with my kids or friends, and not on the level with Dean that I long to be. I'm too involved in a couple of groups that no longer make sense in my life. They, at one time, served the purpose of making me feel like I was contributing..like I mattered.. that I was needed. At the time that was important to me, because for whatever reason, a divorce and job loss erased those feelings for me, and I struggled like hell to gain them back. I needed a group of adults to tell me - yes, you matter, we need you here, your input is important, we like you... But when it comes down to it, it does me no lasting good to have validation come from the outside - it needs to come from the inside. In the search for that outside validation, a lot of hurt has come my way. I depended on friends to give that secure feeling of 'belonging', but the whole friendship 'thing' has been fraught with difficulty. I have my own issue with an unwillingness to put forth a lot of effort because I am so scared of rejection, and so, after all these years...friends have paired off, formed their own groups and do their own things, and my only connection seems to be very superficial at this point. A lot of intense, sad feelings here that, for the meantime, need to stay stuffed down and out of the way. Ouch...right? Okay - this is not the tone this missive was supposed to take - this month was a month of triumph for me!

So, I recently decided that it was time to get rid of what wasn't working, wasting my time, bringing me down, giving my anxiety, stressing me out, and taking time from my family. That meant just about everything. I stepped down from our homeschool board - my term ends this month. I stepped down from girl scouts. We end our 'year' this month. It is all part of a master plan I am calling, "Reclaiming Your Life. Transitioning from Survival Mode to Thrive Mode", and I am feeling pretty darn empowered right now.

Quitting scouts and the board was hard, but I feel like I absolutely suck in any type of leadership position because I consistently attack my duties with my type-A intensity, and I take criticism too personally. I may be organized and all that, but when I completely lose my shit whenever someone attacks me for doing my job or for the way I am doing it, I feel like my time and effort were totally disrespected. I don't like how it feels to be depended on and judged by other adults. (children are another matter). There is this disconnect that happens - the parents no longer see you as a person. You are now this entity that must answer emails asap, fix the mistakes that the parents made in paperwork, run the errands for supplies and whatnot, help somebody catch up when they miss a meeting, do the training, do the scheduling, plan the meetings, field trips... I feel like I cease to be a person who has feelings and a life of my own. It is even worse when the parents are also your friends. That makes this disconnect even more bizarre and unsettling. I have spent a lot of time this past month reflecting on this very subject. I know that my decision has already made one mom a little angry. She is a friend, yet I get the impression that my quitting has let her down in a big way. "If you quit, then who will lead? SusieQ really loves scouts!" You know? Not once, in three years, did a mom step forward with the offer to share the load. It had to be asked for, and it was given with considerable reluctance. It is my profound wish, that as parents, we recognize that our time is equally valuable among all of us, and that in making an entity like scouting or a large homeschool support group be a successful and rewarding experience, parents need to work in partnership rather than an 'us vs. them' thing.

I read a book this past month that really lined it all out for me what I needed to do. Say Goodbye to Survival Mode, by Crystal Paine was an eye-opener. I filled up entire pages in a notebook of the things that weren't working, the direction in which my goals have shifted, where I need growth and change, and then pick just a few of them to begin working on. If you overwhelm yourself, it won't happen, you'll fail, and then you are in a worse spot than where you started from. The biggest message in the book is how to break it all down into something that is manageable, so that one elusive day - you own your time, instead of being a slave to it. I took this information and blended it with what Alejandra presents on quarterly goals on her website/YouTube channel. Alejandra is my new hero. I may not be as much of a perfectionist as she is (and perfectionism is not a bad thing - we Type A's understand each other's needs, whether it be color-coding, sorting or alphabetizing), but what she says makes absolute sense. I set about creating my own chart - (below). The heart of the message is zeroing in on a particular goal, and then break it down further - into smaller steps, and create a timeline for yourself in which you want this to happen. And then keep the goal sheet where you can see it - EVERY DAY. Remind yourself of what you want happening in your life. Rinse and repeat.

So I've got my goals set, and now I am in major purge mode. My next book that I am currently working on is Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life, by Julie Morgenstern. She presents a slightly altered approach by really analyzing the array of 'stuff' in your life - material things, your schedule, your habits. Every one of these areas could use pruning, but where do you start? I already dove headlong into pruning my schedule before I even cracked this book, but now I see how I can improve upon the work I've already done. It does require a lot of reflection. Take for instance, your schedule. When you look at it, you need to really pick it apart and rank the meaningfulness of each and every thing you do. Obviously the stuff that ends up at the bottom of the list - the stuff you really resent having to do (no - going to the dentist does not apply here...) is an obvious starting point. The board meeting that you attend once a month that really does not inspire you, the weekly bowling night with buddies that you've grown apart from.. you need to separate the obligation you feel from the activity and look at it from a whole new perspective. If you dropped this activity and reclaimed that time, what could you do with it? (Hint: look at your goal sheet with a new eye) Give yourself a focal point, a direction you want to head, and shed the things in your life that are contrary to that goal and preventing you from getting there.

Heavy, heavy stuff - but so rewarding!!!!

So that is what I spent my April doing. I want to slow down and enjoy this wonderful life I have - the card deck has dealt me some whoppers over the years, but I have survived. And now I want to thrive.

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When the day is done...

I had a crappy weekend.


Like, really crappy.


Events in the dramatic lives of that of our homeschool community - our email list of families we know and love, and of families we have never, ever met except through words on the computer screen - took a real nose dive early in the day on Friday.  And...well, I was as deep in the fray as you can get. 


Here is the gist:
Over a month ago, a lady I've never met comes up with an' issue' that is really a non-issue.
Others on the list chime in, and now they've hopped on the bandwagon too.
Really - it's a non-issue.  We solved this non-issue two years ago.  I remind them of this, because it is my job, as Secretary, to keep tabs on the happenings of our group.
They all proceed to ignore me.
I spend a few hours of time I don't really have to explore this non-issue further.
I share my findings, they all still ignore the facts, but they want a meeting.
I reserve a space, outline the procedures for the meeting (after researching what they are) and announce the meeting - again, not because I am a busybody, but because it is my job.  This, again, takes hours of time I don't really have, but I did volunteer for this gig.
The day of the meeting, the lady who wanted the meeting alludes to the fact that she will not be attending, and asks who can be her proxy.
She gets an immediate response, but sends her stuff to someone else.
The meeting time arrives.  Eleven people from our group of 120 families show up.  Really.
We have great discussion for two solid hours.
We never really to do hear what this lady had to say, because of technical difficulty with a smart phone.  Nobody's fault...
Not surprisingly, everybody at the meeting agrees that this really is a non-issue, and we table the discussion.
Meeting results are announced the next morning by somebody else.
The lady immediately flies off the handle, and accuses the attendees of the meeting of making rogue decisions without input, and that we voted out of fear of the issue that is a non-issue.  She uses some pretty bold language to make her point.


What would you say?  How would you feel?


Here are my feelings at that precise moment I read her email...


I spent HOURS of my time researching in preparation for this meeting, this meeting that this lady wanted to have, and she didn't even have the courtesy to show up, or at least offer an explanation before the fact.
A few other individuals spent hours of their time as well.
What this lady said felt exactly like a slap in the face.
This group is the most ungrateful bunch of whiners on the planet.
I have given sooo many hours of my time, on behalf of this group over the years, and it really, really sucks that so few people are willing to share to load.
This lady just hit every last nerve in precisely the right spot to provoke an immediate response from me.


So I responded.  I called her on her choice of words, I reminded her that people put a lot of time into this discussion - a discussion she didn't even bother to attend - and that all who were in attendance made the kinds of decisions we did based on the information we had at that moment, and that no VOTE had been made - just an agreement to form a committee to look into this issue that is a non-issue further.  I've been one of the moderators for this email group for a long time, and have handled many a blow up.  I am blunt when need be, but not mean.  My concern has always been that our discussions be civil, but not personal, because we are a community, first and foremost.


Her response?  The most pathetic passive-aggressive response you can imagine.  Complete with terminology like" I'll crawl back under the rock from whence I came".  I did not attack this lady.  I called her on her choice of words.  I called her on her assumption that others would be doing the work.


I send a message right back - not giving her the attention her words are craving for - but letting her know that we are a community, and her opinions are of equal value to everyone else's, and if she still wants to share them, join the committee!


A friend immediately responds privately to me with kind words, as she knows exactly how sensitive I am to this kind of thing.  It helped.


Another 'friend' immediately responds privately that my email was too long and attacking, that I should have let '__' respond instead, and that I should now be quiet and let others 'sweep up the mess'.  My thoughts?  Not fit to print here, I'm afraid.


I see two other friends in person a couple of hours after this all began.  They both thought that what I said had to be said, and that I said it just fine. 


And then more time passes, more emails are written on the thread (not by me), and then the paranoia sets in.  I begin to second-guess myself.  I begin to think that my friends are just being nice, but that they don't really know how to tell me that I am actually a real bitch when these list blow-ups happen, and that I don't really handle it well.  Ever.


Yeah... deep paranoia.  Now I am the one crawling into a hole.  And that is where I have been all weekend, in a deep, dark hole feeling like everybody just puts up with me but doesn't actually like me very much.  I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking - and the things I have come across have all spoken to me in a different way.


A blog post about what our calendar really says about us...


My calendar says that I prioritize time spent doing things for our homeschool group and our girl scout troop way too much.  It also says that Rylan has too many activities - but she doesn't seem to think so.


An article detailing the experiences of Rachel Canning, an innocent woman mistaken for another Rachel Canning, an 18 yr old girl suing her parents for college tuition, in regards to strangers engaging in cyberbulling.


This quote stuck with me: "It's really shocking how bold people can be when they're behind a computer screen,"


Ouch.  And the truth is - its true!  When you are behind a computer screen, writing to somebody you have never had personal contact with, it IS shocking the things you can say.


I don't want to be this person anymore.  I don't want to be the person that tells other adults how to behave.  The type A in me will never bring other people in line to my liking, and why - oh why- does it matter so much to me in the first place?  Why am I more concerned about some other lady's issues than with the fact that my six year old still struggles with identifying all the letters of the alphabet? Where the hell are my priorities?  I don't know..


Here is one more thing that got me thinking.  It's a song by The Alternate Routes, Nothing More.  I've listened to it, over and over this past weekend.  Here are some of the lyrics...  It is the last line that sticks with me the most.  I think it pretty much sums up my emotional well-being for the past ten years, actually.


To be humble, to be kind.
It is the giving of the peace in your mind.
To a stranger, To a friend
To give in such a way that has no end.


We are Love
We are One
We are how we treat each other when the day is done.
We are Peace
We are War
We are how we treat each other and Nothing More


To be bold, to be brave.
It is the thinking that the heart can still be saved
And the darkness can come quick
The danger's in the anger and the hanging on to it.




I am an angry person.  I get angry when I want to resolve a situation that I know I can't control.  I get angry when it's really sadness and fear I feel.  I get angry when I don't know what my role is.  I get angry when I feel apart, separate.  I get angry when I feel overwhelmed.  I get angry when I feel hurt, or frustrated.  Anger is my go-to emotion.  I guess I feel a little too comfortable there, since I spend so much time feeling this way.


Anger shortens friendships.
Anger shortens just about everything, really.


I don't want to be the person I am anymore, when the day is done.  I rarely feel good about my day when it's over.  I am usually listing my regrets, playing that endless negative loop in my head of what a terrible person I am.


I will be holding that first verse in my mind, repeating it over and over, in the hopes that I can remember to do better before I say or do something I will later regret - or at least wish I had handled it differently.  Changing the things in my life that aren't working is one thing, but changing a major personality flaw is a whole other deal.


The first step is always admitting you have a problem.

Selling your soul, one box of girl scout cookies at a time...

You know how I 'quit' the other day?


I've got a couple of other things I want to quit...


Pardon me while I get the formalities out of the way...


Dear Girl Scouts,


I am formally handing in my resignation.  I will no longer sell your cookies.  I also will no longer sell your boxes of chocolates, containers of nuts or magazine subscriptions.  I will no longer spend my precious time, wracking up the hours while I constantly update my spreadsheets, chase down customers, chase down parents, chase down $$ to balance our accounts, chase down wayward boxes of cookies, acquire more boxes one week, only to return them the next, constantly bug my friends and family as I push cookies on them, and endure long hours in the cold and the wind.  This is not fun.  My daughter is not gaining anything by engaging in selling for you, other than a very crabby, stressed-out mother.  I quit.  I quit.  I quit.  Effective immediately.  (Well, just as soon as I deposit everyone's money, make sure we balance out, make sure the girls get the awards they earned and so on and so forth...)


Thank you.


Dear Boy Scouts,


I despise selling popcorn for you.  My thirteen year old son does a fabulous job at it, but only after I remind him 29 times that the sun will only shine for so long, and that the entire neighborhood has probably already been picked over, in the time it took him to get out of the house.   I also have to drive all over town and back, making his deliveries and hitting new neighborhoods.  He writes down the address in illegible handwriting, so we can't deliver after all, because he can't remember where the house was.  He loses his forms, can't keep track of the money, and leaves the chocolate popcorn sitting in the car to melt.  I hate popcorn.  I. will. not. go through another season of popcorn.  I don't care if this is his main source of money to pay for your ridiculously over-priced high adventure trips.


I also hate the spaghetti dinner silent auction.  No business will donate anything as a potential auction item.  I have, for the last time, given up my last season of afternoons making endless trips around to the various potential small-business targets, only to get turned away again and again.  Stupid.  Senseless.  A. waste. of. my. time.  All for a child who has no inclination to get the ball rolling on his own.  How on earth did it become MY job to do this to raise money for the BSA?  I swear I did not wish for this... and yet it is my sad, sad reality.  I quit.  Effective immediately.


Thank you.


Dear boys and girls youth organizations of America,


Your 'business model' stinks.  You do a damn fine job of passing this off as an opportunity for kids to become 'entrepreneurs' (whatever...) but you are selling the kids a lie.  The kids don't spend the hours doing the paperwork, making the phone calls, writing the emails, paying for the gas for the endless car trips... the poor parents do.  Parents that simply do not have the time to begin with.  Our time is so precious with our kids, and instead of our kids learning worthwhile lessons within in the confines of your organization, you send them out on the streets to peddle your products.  You are capable of so much better.


Thank you.



Do I sound a bit...frazzled?  Why yes.  Yes I do.  When I sat down to think about how many hours I have spent in the name of scouts - Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts combined: the cookies, chocolates, popcorn, paperwork/form signing, meeting planning, meeting attending, patch-procuring, gear-replacing, errand running... all in the name of scouts...it is more hours than I have spent homeschooling my kids this year.  Yes.  You read that right.  More than I spent schooling.  I'm a total sucker for every volunteer job that has ever come along, because it is always my first inclination to step in and offer help, yet I never think that it will be as hard, or as time-consuming as it truly is.  No wonder nobody ever steps up to take their turn or lend a hand.


So, I am reclaiming a bit of my soul.  I don't know what our future in girl scouts will be, but as far as this co-leader, treasurer and cookie mom goes, I'm out.  Out, folks.  I had high hopes for this experience.  It is not our troop parents, the girls or anything like that... it is the lack of organization at the council, state and national level, the poor choice of programming available for the girls and so on and so forth.  I would rather just get together with our 'scouts' and ditch the programming, patches, cookies...everything.  Get the girls together and do service projects and get outdoors, all in the name of fun.  For free.  Without the expensive vest, annual registration, books, patch kits, and God-forsaken cookie booths.  Just please don't ask me to coordinate this.


I am feeling so....so.... liberated!?

Seasons

Evidently this is not my season for writing.  A great many thoughts swirl through my head, but most are best left unsaid...  I am not tired of winter.  I love watching the snow fall outside the window.  I love the feeling of wearing multiple layers, topped off with a soft knit hat.  I love the heavy, secure thud of snow boots as I trod through the deep snow.  I do love winter.  But I struggle with SAD, so winter does not exactly love me back.  I'm back on my antidepressant.  I went off of it in October when I had my surgery, and I felt really great until about mid-December.  It's been a little rocky ever since.  A couple of posts were written, one I even posted, and then regretted about an hour later.  See?  Never write when you are emotional.  Well, yes - write for goodness sake, because that is good therapy, but just don't post it for all the world to see.  Yes, this is most definitely not my season for writing.  I'm having the greatest difficulty getting the right words onto the page, lately.

I prefer to read what will uplift me, inspire me or intrigue me.  I am sure that applies to most of us.  I haven't felt any of those things lately, so I figured it was best not to write.  I do have a few updates that I suppose would fit into the 'uplift' category, so I'll share.

* Colin is potty-trained!  We celebrated those wonderful days that stretch between Christmas and New Years - the days where you don't really need to even leave the house - with towels, wipes and Lysol at the ready as Colin prowled the house naked.  Within the day he left the training potty behind and made friends with the big potty.  He was by far the easiest child to train.  No qualms about pooping, he can hold it for a surprising amount of time and he is totally tuned into his bodily cues about when he needs to go.  We aren't ditching the diapers completely yet, we still have a ways to go before he is dry through the night.  Besides, Dean bought an entire case of diapers just days before we decided to do this, lol...  I have to say that after changing diapers every. single. day. for the past seven years and 7 months, I don't miss it a bit.

* Rylan is regularly reading to herself now.  The Mr. Putter and Tabby books are a current favorite.  It warms my heart to hear her reading out loud as I wrangle the boys through the bedtime routine.  When they are finally in bed, I enjoy my favorite time of day - reading the Little House series with Rylan.  We are currently working our way through Farmer Boy.

* I recently attended a reception at the elementary school I taught at just before I made the "transition" to homeschooling SAHM.  For those who don't know, it wasn't a transition.  I taught there for three years and always did well on my teacher evaluations, but I got into trouble in my third year when I was accused of talking to a child (which is akin to "cheating") during a high-stakes test. (I was simply encouraging the child to pick up his pencil, think about the way we had practiced in class and finish the stupid thing) The principle notified me a couple months later that he was not going to renew my contract (fired).  It was a huge blow to me.  My teaching career was essentially over.  No other school in the district would hire me because I was a third year teacher - to do so meant that I would receive tenure as well.  I also was without recommendation from my principal, because he was hell bent on hanging me from the highest tree since I had brought 'shame' to his school by having a test invalidated.  The biggest blow, however, was that my closest colleagues basically threw me under the bus and distanced themselves from me.  These fellow teachers had shocked me, with how they had behaved in regards to testing.  I'm talking about telling a student to erase their answers and do it over.  Making photocopies of previous test booklets and using them to teach from.  My integrity had been called into question, yet these "cheaters" got away with what they did because they didn't get caught.  I have struggled all these years not to walk into my ex-principals office and rat them out.  To just stand before his desk and have my say... in a rather loud and tearful manner.  I am proud to say I never did.  These fellow teachers will never know how close I came to ending their careers  - simply because I could never treat someone like the way they treated me during those final weeks of the school year.

This reception to was mark the 50th anniversary of the school.  My mom taught at this school for over 20 years, so I have a lot of history with this school, in addition to just teaching there.  I have not been back since my last teaching day seven years ago.  The evil principal left at the end of last year to take a position overseas.  I would have never had set foot in that school otherwise.  I had to steel myself before I walked in.  I would be nice.  I would hold my head high.  I did nothing 'wrong', so why should I feel guilty??  There were a surprising amount of my former colleagues that asked where I was teaching 'now'.  They obviously didn't know the details.  Those who did were polite and genuinely happy and surprised to see me.  The guilty ones avoided me.  I'm glad that I went, I wish that I could just lay this demon the rest and be done with it...but it still stings, as you can undoubtedly tell.  Nobody likes being branded a cheater when it just simply isn't true.  I think it has bored it's way into my psyche and I just have to work all the more harder to feel confident about my teaching skills and good about myself in general. 

One last thing about the reception... I did get to visit, briefly, with the teacher that I student taught under as I was working on my degree.  She is a first-class teacher.  Mrs. C's methodology is like no other - she has high expectations of her students, she is thorough, she is prepared and takes the utmost care to maximize the time spent in the classroom.  I learned so much from her, all those years ago.  I was on my way out when I ran into her, and she gave me a big hug.  She asked about the kids, and we talked 'shop'.  I mentioned my misgivings about homeschooling Owen and Colin, given their oppositional character of late, and she launched into a lengthy explanation about teaching to a child's strengths, and isn't that the beauty of homeschooling?  You already know your children so well.. and in the end - homeschooling isn't for everyone, and they may benefit from being in the classroom.  I felt like I was instantly pulled back in time and we were once again in her classroom, having those long conversations after the school day.  I was glad it ended on that note.  I am a teacher.  I always will be.  I may not earn a paycheck anymore, but my rewards are different.  Rylan can read, sew, and cook, Jordan can work algebraic equations, Owen can paint and Colin is learning his letters because I taught them how.  I hope that I can teach them how to have confidence too.  That deriving one's self-worth from the opinion of others is not the way to go...

And I will leave it here.. busy days are ahead of us.  Colin is turning FOUR tomorrow.  I just can't believe how fast time is going by.  I need to take a crash-course in badminton because that is the topic in tomorrow's homeschool PE class, and it is my turn to lead.  We have our girl scout cookie booth this coming weekend and I need to prepare for that.  And the Olympics are starting in a couple of days, huh?  I guess I need to work in some school stuff about that too.  Right now it is snowing out, it is time to start lessons and then have a nice lunch of hot tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  I do love winter.  :)

2013 In Review

Here is a link to the awesome list of questions that inspired this post.

1.      What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

* Knitting.  I've knitted three scarves in the past, but this time around I am knitting a hat.  So far I have learned how to purl, knit in the round and cable.  The hat isn't completed yet, but I am getting close.
* I danced on stage with my husband in the Nutcracker.  We were part of the party scene.  I have never danced in a performance before, other than in dance recitals when I was a kid.  It was the highlight of my year.  :)
*Visited my dad's childhood home.  My dad's first few years were spent in Crawford, Nebraska.  We had a family weekend over Labor Day where we all gathered at Fort Robinson, NE, which is just a couple miles away from Crawford.
*Saw the peloton of pro bicyclists go by as they raced into our city in the second-to-last stage of the USA Pro Challenge this past August.  That was very cool!

 

2.      Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I never did officially write anything down, but here is what I was thinking as the new year (2013)rolled in...
* I needed to take care of my shoulder.  The pain was increasing and affecting my daily life in every way.  I began physical therapy in early March, and progressed through the hoops of nerve study, MRI, surgery in May, and then more physical therapy.  By August I was officially pain free.
* I wanted a breast reduction.  It was something that I have wanted to do for years.  This year I got serious.  It was part of the reason why I was having issues with my shoulder, anyway.  I'd done years of chiropractic, massage, physical therapy, pain meds...  Nothing was going to ease the discomfort of carrying those things around but to surgically reduce their size.  I fought the insurance company for three months before I finally got it approved.  Surgery was in October, and I have to say this is the single-most BEST thing I have ever done for myself.  I am still very emotional about it - I am so incredibly happy with the results and the way I physically feel, now.
* Lose some weight.  This went hand-in-hand with the other two.  I will continue to have issues with joint and back pain until I get the weight off.  I lost 20 pounds between July and October.  Despite curtailing my exercise while I recovered from the breast reduction and all the culinary goodies that come with the holidays, I have maintained that loss so far.  Very proud of that.  :)

For next year...
* lose another 20 lbs
* save up enough $$ to take a family vacation next New Years to see my nephew march in the Rose Parade and go to Disneyland.
* spend more time with my extended family
* grow more than just weeds and basil in my garden
* actually DO those annual 694 hours of instruction time per child that I promise the state I will do.
* read 10 books.  I have no problem with reading or even the desire to read.  It's more about taking the time to actually do so.

3.      Did anyone close to you give birth?
My niece by marriage gave birth to a baby girl, EmmaRae, on July 31st.  I got to see and hold her for the first time during our Thanksgiving visit.  Such a sweet, beautiful baby girl.  How I miss holding babies and smelling their scent and listening to their sounds.  Sad sigh.

4.      Did anyone close to you die?
My uncle Buzz passed away in early December, shortly before 2013 began.  It has been a long year of 'firsts' where we did things as a family that were marked by his absence.  I visited his grave for the first time yesterday, as Rylan and I were driving to Boulder on an errand.  It was a spur of the moment decision.  We had not been invited to the burial, but my mom had shared with me whereabouts in the small cemetery his grave was located, so with just a few minutes' searching we found it.  There were three different Christmas arrangements there, by his headstone.  He is missed a great deal.
In February my great-aunt Bernice passed away.  She had been suffering for several years with Alzheimer's.  She was a grand lady that loved to collect antiques.  I remember going to her house, just down the street from my grandma's, to have tea, and then take a tour of her latest finds.  She walked everywhere and was busy, busy, busy.  She reminded me so much of my grandpa Orin (her older brother).  She had a sharp mind and wit.. it was so sad when the signs of Alzheimer's began to take hold.

5.      What countries did you visit?
Maybe I should change this to say 'counties' so that I can actually write something here.

6.      What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
A more peaceful household.  Some days the chaos of the kids is just overwhelming.

7.      What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 22nd: shoulder surgery
Oct 10th: breast reduction surgery
Dec 31st: running the Resolution Run 5K - a goal of mine since July

8.      What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing the weight and regaining control of my health.  Wow.  Hard to put in to words how big this was.

9.      What was your biggest failure?
Getting control of the finances, record-keeping, bill paying... I have a continual pile of receipts that just will. never. end.
 

10.   Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got the flu in March, which really sucked, but otherwise it was a very fortunate year.

11.   What was the best thing you bought?
Hmmm. My Fitbit!  That little device was a catalyst for a lot of beneficial changes.

But honorable mention goes to the Keurig.  :)

12.   What was the best thing you received?
A beautiful red mug with white and gold snowflakes from my husband.  A total just-because surprise and very touching.  :)
 

13.   Where did most of your money go?
Projects around the house.  We replaced the old mish-mash of laminate and carpeting on the main floor with some beautiful Pergo flooring, along with new tile around the fireplace and paint for the walls.  The rest of it went towards running gear, tools and curriculum.

14.   What did you get really excited about?
My surgery.  It changed everything.

15.   What song will always remind you of 2013?
Blurred Lines.  I know, I know.  Quit yer bitching.  I loved that song.  It began my walking playlist for months.  I think too much has been read into the lyrics.  It has a great beat!  Nuff' said.

16.   Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? B) thinner or fatter? C) richer or poorer?
a) happier - much happier!     b) thinner - yay!    c) I wouldn't say 'richer' per se, but we have improved the quality of some things in our life.

17.    What do you wish you’d done more of?
Schoolwork.  Travel.  Camping.  Nature Study.

18.   What do you wish you’d done less of?
Fretting about things I had no control over.

19   How did you spend Christmas?
We stayed at home this year.  We visited Santa a couple days before, shopped for gifts at the last minute...  We went to services on Christmas Eve with my dad and brother and nephews, and then they all came over after for a spaghetti dinner.  My nephews were sweet in saying that they loved the food and just hanging out with all of us together.  After they left we bundled up and headed out to look at Christmas lights.  We had a nice Christmas morning opening gifts, ate chocolate waffles for breakfast, and a turkey dinner at my mom's that afternoon.  We did puzzles, movies, popcorn, hot cocoa and left overs for the remainder of the day.

20.   What was your favorite TV program?
The Middle and The Biggest Loser.

21.   What were your favorite books of the year?
Hyperbole and a Half: unfortunate situations, flawed coping mechanisms, mayhem, and other things that happened, by Allie Brosh. 

Absolutely hilarious and way too close to home, all at the same time.

22.   What was your favorite music from this year?
Everything on my walking/running playlist

23.   What were your favorite films of the year?
Hunger Games: Catching Fire and Frozen.

24.   What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 42.  We spent the day hiking and then a nice dinner at my mom's.

25.   What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
It has been such an amazing year of transformation, I really can't think of what to say here.  Maybe if there was less arguing amongst the kids. 

26.   What political issue stirred you the most?
I am deeply concerned about what Common Core is doing to our nation's teachers and children, and what the Koch Brothers are up to.  The implications are scary, and the thought of politicians and businessmen driving our nation's education policy and instruction just completely pisses me off.

27.   What kept you sane?
Exercise.

28.   Who did you meet this year?
I met... some new doctors and nurses -all great at what they do!
 

29.   Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Your mental and physical health is the only thing that you have direct control over.  Do it.  Today.

30.  Best song lyric for the year?

"I went from zero, to my own hero"
-"Roar" by Katy Perry