When Doves Cry...

I've been feeling extraordinarily sad about the surprise loss of Prince.  I was in total disbelief when I first read the headline on my news feed.  "WHAT?!?!?!?"  Why is that?  Why is it so shocking?  So hard to accept?

Music icons are supposed to be around forever.  They age as you age.  As their music matures and changes with the passage of time and issues they care about, you change right along with it.  The music isn't supposed to end.  The magic of the personal memories their music evokes isn't supposed to end.

I've scanned the news every day since looking for new information about his life, his art, his talent and his mysterious personal life.  I love that he gave enormous donations to various youth organizations, schools, music programs and so forth - and did so anonymously.  I love that he was so protective of his art, his persona, his creative genius...  And I love that he was such an introspective thinker about religion and humanity.

I am moved by how the world has been touched by his music, and how so many have honored his memory and his legacy by playing his music, sharing their memories, wearing purple...

Thank you, Prince, for your music.  Your songs were in the background of many an afternoon of painting nails, trying on clothes and laughing with friends...many an evening of driving aimlessly around town, singing your songs that we wouldn't dare play in front of our parents...  Thank you for your artistry, your message that you are free to be yourself - crushed velvet, makeup and heels included.  Your style was captivating and liberating to many...You touched so many lives.

Thank you

Today I write...

I haven't been in the mood the write lately.  I can't really pinpoint any particular reason why, just that I didn't feel compelled to do so - which is kind of sad, since several significant events have passed by.  I have had plenty of weighty thoughts rolling around in my head, things I wanted to document and so forth, but the act of sitting down to write about it just didn't appeal.

Things got tough beginning in December.  My aunt Susie passed away unexpectedly - shortly after Thanksgiving.  I spent most of December in a state of numb shock.  About that time, Owen began to have some significant behavioral issues.  He was going through cycles of anxiety, OCD, angry outbursts and crying episodes on an hourly basis.  It was hard to keep up and know how to comfort him and calm him down.  It is hard enough to parent as it is, so it is a thousand times more difficult when you yourself have to really focus on relating to what the child is feeling and helping from that perspective.  It is a MILLION times worse when your child is dealing with anger, anxiety and depression, and you have to go 'there' to feel the very things you know can take you over the edge again.  I'm sure it is akin to an alcoholic passing a drink to a friend and catching a whiff of it.  I find it difficult to be around anyone struggling with their own demons - I am fragile enough myself that I feel I could lose any ground I've gained - each and every inch I've crawled away from the abyss.

So today I write because Owen is gaining ground.  Each day brings its own challenges and Owen has multiple meltdowns, but he also has a very good handle on describing his feelings and has shown, periodically, some effort in trying to manage them when things get intense.  Owen has begun psychiatric testing at the university.  I am anxious to see what the results will be.  He should be finished by next week, and then we will know where to go from there.  He has been seeing a therapist for the past several weeks as well.

So today I write.  I've experienced a small victory.  Yesterday's date has been a black mark on the calendar for the past twelve years now.  Yet, for the first time, it passed by as just. another. day.  I helped each little boy write that date on top of their schoolwork yesterday, and...it was just a date.  Owen struggled with what each number meant, and Colin struggled writing the number four.  Rylan was happy because it was a 'special day'.  I turned inward and smiled a wry smile - if she only knew....  To Rylan, 'special days' are dates that have numbers that repeat, like 2/2/16 for example.  So to her, 4/4/16 was really cool because 4 x 4 = 16.  To me, it was now just another day.  We did schoolwork.  We drove to my psychiatrist's office, and I had my routine appointment while the kids had lunch with Dean.  I didn't mention the date to my doctor - because it didn't even enter my mind.  (victory!)  

Today I write...after my appointment I joined Dean and the kids for the rest of lunch, Dean returned to work and the kids and I proceeded to the community pool, which was a reward that Owen had been doggedly working to reach by earning stars for working or sharing without fuss and argument.  On the way to the pool we passed by the cemetery where several of my relatives are buried.  The kids were commenting about how 'that place' must be full of bones.  Well that didn't sit well with me, so I detoured and drove the meandering road through the cemetery to the area where the headstones bear the names of my grandparents, great grandparents and great aunt and uncle.  I told the kids, "these aren't just bones....these were people.  People who were family members and friends that meant a lot to the living.  That is why they are here.  It is a way to honor them, and remember them".  It then occurred to me that I have no idea where the final resting place of my aunt is.  She was in a casket for the funeral, but it was my understanding that she was to be cremated after wards.  It is her mother and father that are my grandparents I mentioned, so I imagine her ashes are most likely in that cemetery.  Rylan commented on how she missed aunt Susie. I miss her too.  I still can't believe that she is gone.  Her two younger sisters, my SIL and my nephews are all in Ireland this week for Spring Break.  As they post pictures on Facebook, I periodically find myself wondering why Susie is not in the picture.  Aunt Susie and the other two have been collectively known as 'the aunties' for as long as I can remember.  The three of them did everything together.  It has been very difficult for all of us to come to terms with Susie's unexpected departure, but my other aunts have taken it especially hard.  I am glad that they have this week away to breathe a little and maybe take some comfort.

Today I write because spring is here and it is time for renewal.  I feel better emotionally than I have in a long, long time.  I know now that Owen has the resources and the help he needs.  I am proud of the way the family supported each other as we dealt with the stages of grief, and with the mundane task of dispersing a lifetime of possessions.  As I type this, I look out my window and see a metal decorative spinner, rotating gently in the morning breeze.  And I think of Susie, knowing that she once enjoyed looking at it as well.

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... An absolutely gorgeous fall morning.  The air is still and the neighborhood is quiet.  I hear the occasional crow...

I am thinking... about how the Pope moved so many people this week.  I'm not Catholic, but his words are for all of us.  I hope Congress listens.  I hope the nation listens.  I hope the world listens.

I am thankful... That the cub scout meeting that I led last week went well.  We have 10 little boys - and they are all full of life yet very sweet.  The object of the meeting was to create *something* out of recycled materials.  Boys this age are not big on crafts... (are they ever?) but I did find a cool project on Pinterest where the boys could create a wolf head, since they are wolves right now.  They were actually excited!  I have all the pieces and parts that they have constructed, now I just need to glue it all together and spray paint it.  They then can add details this coming week.

From the Learning Rooms... Rylan has finally clicked with multiplication, Owen is really getting into math as well - MEP is a very good fit for him and his problem-solving style.  Colin is spending lots of time on ABC Mouse and really enjoying it.  On Friday, I watched a fantastic online discussion given by Julie Bogart from Brave Writer on Periscope, called 'When it all goes wrong in your homeschool'.  It was just the shot in the arm I needed for positive thinking after the first month of slogging through work with the kids.  Even though this is our 8th year homeschooling, sometimes you need to hear that it will all be OK over and over and over again.  This particular discussion is no longer available on Periscope (they only remain for 24 hours), but Julie indicated that she would put it up on the Brave Writer site in the near future.

In the kitchen... I figured out a quick and easy way to create beef stew this past week.  I purchased two packages of Hormel's Beef Tips in Gravy (which would be about the same price as getting stew meat), 32 oz beef stock, bottle of beer, baby carrots, celery, onion, mushrooms and baby potatoes or sweet potatoes.  First saute the onion and mushroom in some butter or oil, and after a few minutes add in some chopped celery.  While the veggies are sauteing, I put the carrots and potatoes (cut into 1 inch chunks) into a pampered chef microwave steamer with a little bit of water, and steamed them in microwave for about 7-8 minutes.  This will cut down on the cooking time, overall.  As soon as the onions turn golden brown and most of the liquid from the mushrooms has cooked off, sprinkle a generous amount of flour over the vegetables and stir until it is mixed in well.  Then pour in a little beer to deglaze the pan, scraping all the good bits off the bottom.  Keep pouring in a little more beer, stir, and then a little more, until the entire bottle is mixed in well.  Add the beef stock, stir well.  Add in the carrots and potatoes - plus the water they steamed in!  Finally, open up the two containers of Beef Tips and scrape all of it into the pot and mix well.  Add a little pepper.  I would nix adding extra salt, there is plenty in the stock and Beef Tips.  Any part of this process can be tailored to what you have on hand veggie-wise.  You can also add some Worcestershire,  a bit of tomato paste... whatever.  When it is all mixed in, cook for about 15 minutes and it should be good to go.  I actually made it twice this week.  Dean needed to take stew with him for Fall Camporee this weekend, so I made a second batch.  It goes together from start to finish in about 30 minutes.  Yummy and kid-approved!

I am wearing... blue silk(ish) pjs from this past Mother's Day.

I am creating... Minion costumes!  Do you know how hard it is to find a large piece of egg-crate foam??  I gave up after visiting five different stores looking for a twin-size mattress foam pad, and just purchased a roll of foam from Hobby Lobby and used a 40% off one item coupon on my phone.  It's not quite as thick as what I wanted, but it will do.  Can't wait to get started. :)

I am going... On a fall hike very shortly.  There is a family fall colors hike at the cub scout camp about an hour away, so we are picking up my dad and then heading up there to join the other families from our pack, and Dean and Jordan will join us as well, since they will be ending their camporee stuff just down the road at the boy scout camp.  Should be a beautiful day!  

I am wondering... If you still get monthly cramps after a hysterectomy. (?)  Three weeks and counting...

I am reading... I visited the Pottermore site yesterday, and read the new bit on there about Harry's ancestors.  Loved it!

I am hoping... That even though I really do love the sunshine, I hope that it starts to cool off a bit and feel more like 'fall'.  I also hope that Rylan's loose tooth comes out today.  It is her first molar tooth to come loose, but it is wedged against her wire band of her braces, so she can only wiggle it in one direction.  She is complaining.  Loudly.  All the time.

I am looking forward to... This coming week.  No extra stuff on the schedule.  It is also my dad's birthday and my FIL's birthday (same day).  I am thinking about taking my dad to the Denver Botanical Gardens.

I am learning... How to shape foam with scissors this week.  Minion teeth...

I am hearing... Clone Wars on Netflix (I think they are actually really good!).

Around the house... Tons of dog hair.  Still!  I hope Abby finishes her seasonal shed soon.

I am pondering... All the advice I heard on the online discussion I mentioned earlier.  Lots of good stuff there - especially the advice that homeschoolers (the parents, really) need to offload the tendency to feel like society's perception of homeschooling rests on their shoulders.  (I do this to myself all. the. time.) Yes, it is a non-conventional educational choice that we've made, but don't feel like you have to live under the constant pressure to always perform at a higher standard in order to prove the skeptics wrong...  This includes making comments to public school parents that your homeschooling experience is above par, even when it isn't.  Even homeschoolers can have bad days (weeks)(months)(year?) and it is okay to be honest with yourself and those you converse with.  Don't put yourself in the position that you must uphold the entity of 'Homeschooling' and push yourself to emulate an impossible, and mythical standard.  Keep it real.  Embrace your messy house, your lack of exercise or balanced meals and the children that refuse to produce stellar work, and just enjoy your choice to be with your children and homeschool them.  You are so lucky to have this opportunity.  Children grow up way to fast, and you need to treasure these years, not be a slave to them.  Good advice! 

One of my favorite things... Telling my youngest, as I put him to bed, about the exciting thing that he will be doing the next day.  He is so cute when he is excited. :)

A few plans for the rest of the week... A hike today, and possibly the Botanical Gardens mid-week.  Then the usual roundup of activities: Lego robotics, ballet, jazz, violin and Nutcracker practice for Rylan, piano and cub scouts for Owen, and boy scouts for Jordan.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Rylan helped me pick out a fall wreath yesterday, for the front door.  I love fall!!

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A reflection on Calvert

I'm free!!!

The past few weeks have been pretty hairy.  It was an absolute fight to the finish to get Calvert wrapped up for the year.  I have been keeping mum about Calvert because...well... it's complicated.  It is a sorta-like/hate relationship.  It is everything I despise about one-size-fits-all education, yet it's everything I like about keeping myself accountable and on track.  Which I did a HORRIBLE job at this year.  I can't drag three children, kicking and screaming all the way, on this road to intellectual enlightenment (ha!) if they continuously misplace their books, can never find their pencils, and not get the big picture of what this is all for in the first place.

What we did accomplish this year:

Jordan learned to take notes.  I learned that it is a good idea for me to teach the skill of note-taking.  He learned that turning in late assignments affects your grade.  I learned that I hate having to scan in assignments at 11:59 pm to make the midnight deadline.  He learned that writing isn't so bad.  In fact, Jordan realized that he loved writing.  I learned that Jordan had actually been listening to me for the past eight years every time we approached writing, composition, grammar and so forth - because his 'voice' in his writing is fantastic and he really knows how to construct a good sentence.  Sentence diagramming is difficult and makes us both tear our hair out.  (The geek in me though secretly loves it). NaNoWriMo, assigned by his Calvert teacher, was especially helpful in drawing out his writing voice.  Writing a short story was something I would never in a million years have asked him to do, and yet it was because of Calvert that we both made this discovery!   He learned algebra.  I learned that I still remember algebra. (happy dance)  Jordan learned how to type faster.  falls out of chair laughing.  He went from 25 wpm to an astounding 29 wpm! Jordan earned his 8th grade diploma, and will be moving on to public high school next year.

Rylan learned that dropping your pencil on the floor 518,397 times a day does not get you out of your schoolwork.  She learned how to spell 'people' and 'because'.  Rylan learned multiplication, just don't ask her to do it at anytime other than when she is in the mood.  Which is never.  Rylan learned to contort her body into 37 different pretzel shapes while sitting in her chair, all of which face away from the desk, and coincidentally, away from her schoolwork.  Rylan read two novels this year - and has quite the reading pile for the summer.  She also took an avid interest in ASL, after reading a short story in her reading anthology about a deaf boy going to a concert.  I may need to pursue this for her.  Rylan loved her online teacher and her classmates, so she wants to do this all over again next year.  The social bits, of course.  NOT the schoolwork.  

Owen learned to read.  This accomplishment alone is what kept me going through the darkest of schooling hours this year.  Several times in the past couple of weeks, he has read signs around town, carefully sounding things out.  This makes my heart sing.  He loves his online teacher, his class, and anything to do with math.  He has learned to like holding a pencil, and writing with it.  (just a little).  He loves to draw and paint.  He is more than willing to sit down and do schoolwork, as long as it doesn't interfere with his Minecraft or lego building time.  Which is never.  Which is why I can't ever get him to work with me for longer than 2 minutes without a fight.

This year has been full of tears, lots of yelling on everyone's parts, lots of high-fives, cajoling, swearing (under my breath), deal-making, begging, pleading, a-ha moments... unfortunately the bad is far out-weighing the good.  It's partly the program and partly me.  I've been lax, lazy, disinterested, and fighting my own battles.  The spillover has not been pretty.  Some serious soul-searching needs to take place this summer about what the next step will be.

All I know is that this is not how I envisioned how our homeschool experience would go.  Eight years into this journey, my (our) primary purpose has always been and always will be to put childhood first.  Play (and not the screen type) has as much - if not more importance in shaping a child's mind, than worksheets, descriptive paragraphs and addition problems.  I don't like the complicated, regimented, competitive and petty environment of public schools - in the younger grades, especially.  At the high school level, these social stepladders do have *some* merit, I suppose, when it comes to beginning to discover who you are and what you are made of.  I also know that these lessons don't only happen within the confines of a classroom.

The work Calvert requires of the kids is not inspiring, with the exception of Jordan's reading curriculum.  Hands down, that was fabulous stuff that has helped us cover so much literary knowledge this year.  Otherwise, the caliber of the rest of the curriculum is... meh.  I am pretty disappointed, actually.  It was actually painful to shelve all of our tried-and-true stuff last year when it came time to unbox the Calvert books after they arrived.  Throughout the entire school year I constantly found myself referring back to our other curriculum for this and that, because it was just so much better.  I am confident in Jordan's abilities because of what we used in the past.  Jordan has been the model student all these years, as we have traveled this homeschooling route.  He's done the work when asked and without question, and performs very well when the time comes to assess his knowledge and skills.  The younger three kids have so many issues I don't even know where to begin.  In reflecting on their behavior this past year, a lot of it comes down to a sense of entitlement that they have.  They feel that they are entitled to their free time, so schoolwork has become a secondary, painful experience for them - and having very boring, worksheet-style learning as the primary source of instruction is NOT helping that situation.

So I have a lot of thinking to do.  I'm doing some major decompressing at the moment, which is good for me.  Our calendar is completely blank, with the exception of a weekly violin lessons and the occasional field trip.  I'm not even having the kids do swim lessons.  I can tell I am feeling more than a little shell-shocked from the stress of this school year.  This is a huge sign for me that maaaaaybe Calvert isn't the best fit for us.

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

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Disneyland

Today was the day I had been looking forward to for the past several months.  I have been anticipating taking the little kids to Disneyland for a long, long time.  We took Jordan when he was 6 years old and Rylan was a mere 11 weeks old, so it has been a long time!  It took nearly an hour and a half before we even entered the park.  The parking was ridiculous, the lines were ridiculous and the crowds were unbelievable.  The grand spending total for a day at Disney including parking, 6 tickets, two meals, four hats and one toy each was around $1200.  Ouch.  Thank you to grandma Judy for the Christmas money for the tickets, and thank you to the aunties and Aunt Karen and Uncle Steve for the gift money for the toys.  The kids had a blast picking out their stuff!

It was a little difficult negotiating which rides to ride and so forth with such a diverse age group in our family, but with the smart move by getting fast passes, and some trickery to get Owen onto rides, we made it work.  Poor Owen.  He gets easily rattled by watching rides.  It was to our advantage that a lot of the rides were sort of hidden from view, so we could easily fool him into thinking it wasn't so bad.  His imagination gets the best of him.  Here he is on the platform on the Matterhorn after he rode it.  He loved it, of course, but for the entire hour we were waiting in line, we kept telling him that people were screaming because they were afraid of getting wet, not because the ride was scary.  The only scary part of the ride was the Yeti.

We waited an hour to get on It's a Small World, and it was worth it, since it was decorated differently for the holidays.  Here is a group shot of almost everyone on our boat as we head into the ride.  Dean and my brother were in search of the last round of fast passes for the day.

Another round of trickery was involved to get Owen onto Splash Mountain.  He was fooled until the very end, when we went up, up, up before we went down, down, down.  He was seated right in front of me, and as we made the climb up, I could here him say, "I have a bad feeling about this!!".  It was all good in the end.  Here is screen shot of the other boat of family: Drew, Rylan, Jordan, Connor, my brother Kirk and SIL Michelle.  I love Rylan's expression...lol.

We wandered over to Tomorrowland and gave Space Mountain a try.  Go figure, the scariest way to ride a roller coaster - in complete darkness - thrilled Owen to pieces!  He said over and over, "It's like we're in space!!!!"  I'm so glad they all rode it and loved it.  We ended the night with a few more rides and then a parting picture in front of the castle.  The kids lasted all day with minimal meltdowns, which was amazing.  So glad we all had the chance to spend the day together and share in the fun!

New Year's Day and Huntington Beach. (Again!)

It's later on New Year's Day and we drove back from Pasadena to the hotel.  We split off from the rest of the family and decided that we needed some more time at the beach.  We first stopped at a great seafood restaurant and then went back to the same beach we were at yesterday.  The kids brought their suits this time, and braved the chilly surf.  Jordan held Rylan in the bigger waves and she loved it.

The rest of the family eventually joined us and we watched the sun set on a wonderful New Year's Day.  I think every first day of the year should be spent at the beach - it is a great way to begin!!

Tournament of Roses Parade

Good Morning and Happy New Year from Pasadena, California!  We went to bed early last night - celebrating NYE at 9 pm, in anticipation of getting up at 4 am this morning.  We made the drive to Pasadena, snagged some Starbucks and made our way to our special parking area that was right behind our grandstands.  It is a warm and sunny morning and there is excitement in the air in anticipation of the parade.  The streets are full of people and dozens of dirty tortillas.  I'm not sure what that is about, but it looks like they had quite the party last night.

 
The parade began with a group that danced and sang, and then these guys were doing flips on moving trampolines.  It was neat to see it later on TV and see how they began the parade by emerging from the crowd.

This was my favorite float - how beautiful!!

It's the cast from Loveboat!!

Here is my nephew's band - Legacy Lightning Marching Band from Broomfield, CO.  They looked and sounded great!

It was a fun parade, and the floats were amazing.  There was an opportunity for us to get tickets to see the floats up close, but we opted not to.  I think the kids were a little fried by the end of the parade.  Anyway, it was a great family experience. :)

Huntington Beach

Today was our beach day.  We made a short and uneventful drive to Huntington Beach, found relatively cheap parking and pushed our toes into the sand.  My SIL had a wonderful idea of taking these beach cruisers for a spin, so we spread out among three of them and slowly made our way down the beach.  It was pretty fun!

Then we dropped them off and played in the surf.  Colin got wet to his toes, and that was enough for him.  This was his first visit to the ocean that he would remember.  The last time he was 7 mo. old.  He loved running back and forth and digging in the sand.

It was a little chilly, but the sounds and smells were the perfect thing for these winter-weary souls.

A family leaves for California

We left for our trip to California today.  A year ago, my SIL shared with us that our nephew, Alex, would be marching in the Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena with his high school marching band.  We missed out on seeing our other nephew, Connor, march with the same marching band in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade the year prior because the trip was very expensive and it wasn't feasible to take so many young children on a trip to the mean streets of NYC.  So for this trip, the stars were aligned.  We had a year to save up, the kids would be the perfect age to visit Disneyland, and it had been 8 long years since our last visit to CA.  We had a portion of each paycheck diverted to a special savings account, and at year's end, we were mostly set.  Theme parks are expensive!!

We left bright and early this morning, but still almost a whopping two hours behind schedule.  Despite the mother of all packing lists, it is the actual doing of the packing that we never seem to manage...  We are traveling in our van, and my brother, SIL, two nephews, my dad and stepmom are traveling in their van.  They live an hour away, so they hit the road long before us.  Our destination is Cedar City, Utah.

We've had some snow, but thankfully almost a full day of weak sunshine for the crews to work on the roads.  As we traveled along we fought a little bit of traffic along I-70, and decided in Frisco that it would be nice to be able to actually SEE out the windshield, so we stopped for a new pair of wiper blades.  After that, the travel was much better.  As we passed Vail, I remembered that Dean and I resolved to listen to Serial, the podcast that everyone is raving about.  So I queued up as many episodes as I could while we had cell service, we popped in a movie and made all the kids wear headphones, and then Dean and I settled in to enjoy the show.

As we neared Glenwood Springs, the canyons looked absolutely magnificent.  The snow-covered strata was so beautiful...

Funny, though, when I look at this, I associate it now with the beginning episode of Serial, as the case is being discussed for the first time.  The way people associate different memories with smells - I'm the same way with sounds.  I look at my bedroom walls, and remember painting them as I was listening to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.

We drove through the late afternoon and evening.  I'm sad we missed seeing the beautiful landscapes of Utah, since it was so dark.  We arrived in Cedar City a dead-tired and crabby bunch, and immediately went to bed after saying a quick hello in the hotel hallway to my brother.  Tomorrow we drive to CA!

So I guess the holidays are here...

I am beginning to really resent our slave-like Calvert school schedule.  It is ridiculous that I constantly have my eyeballs glued to a planner, yet it never dawns on me what day it really is.  To me, it's just Lesson Day 62, and Jordan is currently slogging though Day 32, Rylan Day 46, and Owen Day 53.  I live and breathe the mantra, How much can we get done today in the never-ending effort to get caught up, instead of noticing that fall has happened, Halloween has happened, Thanksgiving has happened, and HELLO? Christmas is just around the corner??  This curriculum is robbing us of quite a lot.  :(

Fall has happened.

We did enjoy the fall - in a very limited way.  A few leaf walks, a visit to an apple orchard, a hike, the pumpkin patch, Trick-or-Treating on Halloween, leaf raking...  It was all crammed in and between everything else that makes the fall crazy - scout popcorn, scouting for food, Fall Camporee, (all compounded by adding Owen to the family scouting roster), Nutcracker practices, Lego...  I don't like leaving seasonal and family rituals out of the schedule and then fitting them in where we can.  There is no downtime, no spontaneity, and by Thanksgiving we are exhausted.

Thanksgiving has happened.

Thanksgiving was supposed to be spent at home in CO this year, but a schedule switch had to be made in order to accommodate a family trip to CA over New Years, so we went to OKC for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, so that we wouldn't have two big trips just days apart.  It actually worked out really well.  We had a very good week in OKC, beginning with a family get-together the evening we arrived, which was great since that gave us a chance to see everyone - including our newest grandniece, now 9 months old.  Since this year is the 'off year', in which all the families would be spending the holiday with their inlaws, we knew that our Thanksgiving would be just our family and Dean's folks.  Eight of us.  Can I just say how wonderful that was?  Don't get me wrong - I love the whole family get-togethers and all, but for this wallflower, a small, intimate dinner with 'just us', was wonderful.  In addition, this was not Jordan's scheduled holiday visitation with his mom, so he got to spend the week with us  - and more importantly his grandparents, although we did agree that he could spend the night on Thanksgiving and most of Friday with his mom.  He flies out to OKC in just a few more days, and will spend two weeks with her during Christmas.

Back to the actual event - there was no stress in cooking, no stress in traveling anywhere, no stress of a houseful of people, no stress in clean up.. there was just no stress at all!  I didn't know what to do with myself in a nonstressed state.  So I knitted.  That stressed me out, so I felt better.  My MIL handled the turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes, and I made the rolls, sweet potatoes and gravy.  This was the first time - EVER - that Jordan had the quintessential childhood experience of waking up to the smell of roasting turkey.  For 14 years that child has had to wait for that... a shame!  I have only roasted a turkey once, (last Christmas??) and that was during the day, and I can't remember if he was here or not - he may have been with his mom, who doesn't cook.  Every other holiday in which turkey is involved, the roasting happened at a house he was traveling to, so he never experience that wonderful smell that weaves its way into your dreams and wakes you up at 5:30 a.m. with a growling stomach!  So glad he was with us.

Christmas is happening.

It is now the 10th, and all we have managed to do is drag the tree up from the basement last night, and untangle the lights.  That's it.  Oh, and I put up the advent calendar.  And purchased a poinsettia and a wreath for the door.  I love, love to decorate, yet there is just no time! :(  I am in the process of clearing out about 500 curriculum books (no joke!) from the office shelves to put up my Santa and Nativity displays.  That is the safest spot for them, so every year the books have to be moved temporarily - which, as you can imagine, is a huge chore.  Especially when you have a bum knee.

I haven't even thought about Christmas presents.  At all.

We are leaving for CA in about two weeks.  I haven't thought about that either.  Other than to think about temporary pet placement.

All that is on my mind (apart from stupid schoolwork) is the Nutcracker.  After this weekend, it will be over.  This is Rylan's third year performing in her dance academy's production, and it is the fourth year they have been putting it on.  It is a 'smaller' performance overall when compared to others - the music has been edited for length, the set is more scaled back and it is performed in a high school auditorium, but it does seem to get bigger in scope every year.  This year Rylan is dancing as a Gingerbread and as a butterfly during the Waltz of the Flowers.  Dean and I are once again performing in the party scene.  We are the 'parents' of four, including two very naughty boys, so we get to do a lot of 'scolding' during the party.  Good times.  No different from our daily life.  I spent a very stressful week last week altering my dress so that it looked more 'festive' and period-appropriate.  I will post pictures eventually.  I'm not happy with it, but it will have to do.  We performed last Friday at a different high school for some elementary kiddos, and then we perform twice this coming Saturday.  It will be a long nine hours at the theater.  Last year I was freaked out by it all.  This year I am surprisingly calm.

A house update...

So you may remember me mentioning that our house was damaged in a storm back in June.  We had the insurance adjuster come out and the findings were that we needed to replace the roof, replace a few windows (the seals had broken), a few window screens, the shutters, gutters and get the house painted.  Plus get the car fixed.

So far, we have accomplished one of those items.  The roof was replaced on July 29th, two days before my knee surgery.  It looks beautiful.  Since then, we have had countless meetings with the windows guy, but no windows have been even ordered yet.  The windows are a huge problem, actually.  We have wood windows, original to the house (built in 1992), and they are extremely expensive to replace.  They are also extremely energy inefficient.  The way to go is to do vinyl, but a more expensive vinyl, since we have to match the wood grain trim that is everywhere else in the house.  I would love to switch to painted trim, but again, it would mean ALL the trim in the house, the doors, the banister...  The problem is, if you change even one window, you eventually have to do them all.

If the insurance company will only cover a glass replacement because the seal is broken on five different windows, that is all fine and good, BUT one of those windows also has a small half-moon-shaped nick left by a particularly large hailstone in the plastic portion of the exterior frame.  So that means the total window needs be replaced according to the insurance guy.  That's fine...the problem is, is that the manufacturer of our particular windows is no longer in the biz.  There is no other way to source the needed parts either.  Soooooo, if one window in a bay window needs to be replaced, and vinyl is our only option, then to make it appealing inside and out, all the the windows need to match, so therefore all the windows need to be replaced.  Which means a lot more money than the insurance company was bargaining.  It also means that the pair of windows directly above this bay window need to be replaced too.  Which means that there is a behind-the-scenes fight over who is going to pay how much to solve our windows dilemma.  A special claims guy from our insurance company, who hails from 'Nola, is paying us a visit next week.  A full THREE MONTHS since the roofing job was completed.  He will be meeting with our windows guy and hopefully they can come up with an agreement about how much will be covered.  In the meantime, I expect our pocketbook will be taking a serious hit.

In other developments, some random person (from the company we hired that is handling all of the repairs) showed up last week confirming what color we wanted the new gutters to be.  We don't have the house painted yet because we have been waiting on the windows for a full THREE MONTHS.  So we had no idea what to tell him about the color.  Then, on another day, another guy with a handy-dandy Honda Accord pulled up, again unannounced, to pick up the shredded window screens that need to be repaired.  I'm not sure what he was expecting to pick up, but it certainly wasn't full-sized window screens.  He said he would ask somebody else with a pick-up to come by the next day.  At least she called before she came by.

Sigh.  So I called the contractor to say that no matter what is happening with the windows, we need to move forward on the house painting before it gets too cold and wet.  He agreed.  That was last Monday.  I've yet to hear when the paint guy is coming.  We do have paint chips in hand though, so we're ready for him whenever he shows up on our doorstep, most likely unannounced.

At least we have a solid roof over our heads, so I am very thankful for that.  I just can't imagine getting windows replaced in November or December.  Totally goes against all common sense, in my opinion.

A knee update

It's been a little over 10 weeks since surgery.  The first three weeks were really rough.  I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes at a time, and walking without the walker was impossible.  During that first week I was in a haze, but I am so thankful for the meal that a friend dropped by, and another delivered by a fellow scout family - which was a nice surprise!  The following week my family (mom, brother and SIL) arrived home from a trip, and my SIL prepped a weeks' worth of freezer meals and sent them up with my brother (a total surpise!), and then she did it AGAIN the next week.  It was an absolute life-saver.  Dean did a great job in holding down the household that first week, but meal prep was a challenge, lol...  I am so grateful for the thoughtfulness and the help we received - especially the second week when my mom came every day so I could rest, and for the occasional ride the kids needed to get to this and that since I couldn't drive yet.  Since those first two weeks, I have done 16 physical therapy sessions.  I was going twice a week during August and September, and now I have transitioned to once a week for the month of October.  November will probably be two sessions in that month, and we'll see about December.  It has been a long, grueling process.  I think about only two things in life right now: knee and school work.  Knee and school work.  Knee and school work.  There is no room for anything else in my brain right now.

The therapy is going really, really well.  My therapist's name is Katie, and she is outstanding.  My sessions last about an hour and fifteen minutes.  To begin each session she massages my knee and all of the surrounding muscles, and then pushes and pulls this way and that to work on my range of motion.  I am now at the ROM that she is looking for - a 130 degree or greater bend to the knee.  It took a very long time to get there.  I can remember the first couple weeks of therapy were just so unbelievably painful, and I was still wondering how I would ever walk normally again, so I know I've come a long way.

The rest of the sessions are spent working on weight machines, an exercise bike, and doing a slew of different moves involving dynabands, stair steps and balance balls.  The most difficult for me right now is a move where your completely isolate the quadricep muscle.  You stand on the edge of a secure step with one foot, the inside of the foot of your working leg lined up at the edge.  Then you slowly lower the free foot down towards the floor (but don't touch the floor), by bending at the knee on the working leg, being mindful to only use your quadricep and not jut out your hip to the side.  Then you stand back up.  Repeat 19 more times.  I managed TWO, only going down about an inch when I first tried.  It hit directly on my most tender, sorest spot on the knee.  I am now doing 30, on a much bigger box, but it is still tough and still painful.  Another good move is called a Monster Walk.  You tie a dynaband (the color determines the resistance level) into a loop, step inside it and position it at ankle-height.  Then you walk forward across the floor, swinging one leg slightly in front of the other and then swinging it out wide before planting your foot on the floor.  Then you step forward and swing out the other leg.  It helps if you picture yourself walking like Frankenstein, but with more of a wide arc in your leg swing, AND you must have your legs slightly bent at all time - like a constant, never-ending squat.  It really, really makes your hips burn, and forces the injured leg to work on stability when it becomes then standing leg with every other step and your balance is constantly shifting as the other leg is moving through its swing.  I really feel it when the other leg is just about fully swung out and about to be planted on the floor.  For that millisecond I am at my most vulnerable for my knee to crumple, and I have to have absolute focus with every step.

I do feel a lot stronger in my quadricep, as I can do leg lifts with ease now.  My weakness is that my knee still buckles backward every now and then, especially at the end of a long walk, or when I am tired at the end of the day.  Luckily it does not move from side to side anymore - so it looks like the surgery worked.  (wink).  My surgeon is all about getting the leg strengthened again, and is a huge proponent of getting into the gym and going into rehab with gusto.  So about three weeks ago I purchased a pass from the city to get into the warm therapy pool that is at one recreation location, and into the gym at another location.  The therapy pool is not as nice as the one at my physical therapy office, but it does the job.  I go twice a week and do my pool exercises.  I walk back and forth across the pool forwards, sideways, backwards, do squats, leg lifts, bicycle swings and the stairs.  The gym location is actually the Senior Center, which is just a short drive away for me, so it is really convenient.  The facility has gone through a recent renovation, and the fitness room is bee-U-tee-ful!  It has subdued lighting, it's quiet, the machines are all new and it has a nice selection of reclined exercise bikes, treadmills, stair-steppers, weight machines and free-weights.  Best of all, in the evenings you are likely to have the place to yourself.  It has become my sanctuary.  When I am not there, I count the hours until I can go again.  Dean took out a membership too, so we can go together for an hour or so about three nights a week.

I've passed several milestones in the past couple of weeks - walking down the stairs with alternating feet, a bicycle ride, and a hike (yesterday).  The hike was a bit too much, though.  The whole way up I was intent on concentrating at where I planted my feet.  On the way down, my knee was tired, and I was terrified my foot would skid away from me on the gravel.  Luckily nothing happened, but I have a lot more work to do to increase my muscle stamina.

I've been thinking about the months to come, and I can honestly say that I am terrified of the ice and snow that will be here sooner or later.  Terrified.  I can only imagine how awful it would be if I had just gone through the surgery.

That would totally suck...

Pain junkie

Happy 1st Anniversary of my breast reduction!

In thinking of a nifty way to celebrate my smaller version of myself, I thought it would be great to go in today and get a scar revision done, and wouldn't it be *just* fabulous that it's the actual anniversary date? I mean, really, I've gone 8 whole weeks without some sort of bandaging attached to me in some way or another, and that is just entirely too long. I think that I must have reached some magical threshold of feeling 'ok' that sends a signal to my brain that I need to cause myself more pain. So, why not call up the plastic surgeon and ask for a few stitches? Yes, WHY not??

So it has been a few hours since my procedure, and my local has worn off. I have bloody bandaging, plus pain and royal discomfort. A bonafide pain junkie trifecta!! If you have ever had serious surgical sutures, you most likely have experienced the 'dog ears' that form on each end as they heal. It is triangular-shaped pucker that looks a bit odd. With my breast reduction surgery, one side looked pretty bad in addition to significant scarring, and the other side was not so noticeable but still bothersome. I could have had the revision done as early as 6 months ago but I opted to wait it out a few more months to see if the one side would resolve itself. They did change a significant amount so I am glad that I waited, but it wasn't enough to make me feel like it wouldn't keep bothering me for years on end. So I made the appointment to just get it done and over with. Now I am back to walking around with my arms pinned down to my sides, not reaching for anything, and driving using only the bottom 1/3 of the steering wheel. That was my life for a solid four months just a short time ago, and the disturbingly familiar pain is no fun at all.

I think I am really, really ready to be done with all of this surgery and recovery business. Really. I have a damn surgical shelf in the medicine cabinet that I just want to clear out. Bandaging, non-stick gauze, paper tape, scar cream, elastic wrap, arm splints (2), knee splints (3), compression wrap, blah, blah, blah...

Anyway, happy anniversary to me. It's still the best thing I ever did for myself.

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First Day of School

Today was our first day of school. I dragged my very tired butt out of bed at 6:20 a.m., after having a rough and sleepless night, only to find that both Jordan and Rylan were downstairs, eating breakfast. Rylan had even made her bed. No shit. I continue to totally underestimate my kids.

 

Jordan has seemed nervous, as the day approached, but it was all because he had a totally messed-up conception about what the first day would bring. He though he would be having to attend his online class meetings and so forth. That isn't for a couple weeks yet. The first official day for Calvert is 9/2. We are just starting early because it is new to us, and we need to practice our new routine since we are stubborn people when it comes to change.....or maybe not, since my kids got up BEFORE me today.

 

The first lesson today went very well. I was able to finish Rylan's and Owen's entire lesson. Rylan took the short story that I had assigned to her today to read several times over for fluency practice, and read it to her brothers this evening, while they were taking their bath. She read it with such a great deal of enthusiasm that it made my heart sing. Jordan got through about 2/3rds of his lesson. He can hang in there with the attention span and focus much longer than he used to, but because the kids drift downhill after about 3pm, he can't help but be distracted by all of their craziness. I can't help but be distracted either. Jordan was gone for almost three hours during the day for Lego practice, so that totally impacted his work time. We will have to continue to focus on making the most of our early morning hours (we start at 7:30)on Lego days, before his younger brothers wake up.

 

What made the day extra special was the fact we were in our new school room. I'll post my show-and-tell tomorrow. The kids and I loved the new space, the room, the light.... I am feeling so energized by the change. :)

 

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New Roof, Physical Therapy, Traffic Flow, Birthday and Friendship Blues, Schedule Hell

New Roof

I don't think I mentioned it, but our new roof went on 7/29, two days before my ACL surgery.  I got up early and reparked the cars, we moved the roofing materials that we had stored temporarily in our garage for a few days out onto the driveway, and then a couple van loads of roofers showed up at 7:14 a.m. and got busy.  They were fast, efficient, and stuff was flying off our roof within 15 minutes.  Not a moment was spared.  The kids and I watched chucks of roofing fall from the sky for the next couple hours.  The sound was loud, but not deafening, unless you were in the garage.  In there, chunks of wood were falling from the ceiling.  We left for about three hours for errands and then came back.  Storms moved in around 1 p.m., the rain started to really come down at 2 p.m., and still they carried on with the work.  The entire job was done, the yard was picked clean, and they were on their way at 4:10 p.m.  I have only found two nails in the days since, so they did a really good job with the clean up.  The new roof looks absolutely beautiful.

Physical Therapy

I have made it through my first week of physical therapy on my knee.  I only have anywhere from 7-11 weeks to go.  The difference between my physical therapy this time around and the therapy I had on my shoulder is like night and day.  My shoulder therapist (different clinic) was cool, indifferent, and she did no manual therapy (like massage) on my very stiff and sore joint.  The only thing I did was lift weights in all sorts of different directions.  This time around, in a clinic in the same building as my surgeon, I am with the nicest therapist, ever.  Except that what she makes me do hurts more than you can imagine.  She massages my knee first, loosening my very stiff and swollen knee, and then has me work almost exclusively on contracting my quadricep - over and over, to strengthen my weakened leg.  Twice now it has been done with the help of a vicious torture device called STEM, which delivers an electric current to my muscle, to make it contract.  It hurts so bad it brings tears to my eyes, but I know it has to be done.  The nice thing is that after it is over, I get to relax while a nicer version of STEM massages the muscles and a bag of ice helps with the swelling.  I had the rest of my stitches pulled out last week, and just yesterday I graduated from the walker to a single crutch, which I use opposite of my bum knee.  I struggle with hyperextending my knee backwards (due to weak muscle control), so I have to walk very slowly, concentrating on keeping my knee bent ever-so-slightly as I move.  Now that I can walk with a free hand means that I can now carry a few things, which is like a whole new world.  I hated being so dependent on others to carry absolutely every little thing for me from point A to point B.  Therapy will continue for the next several weeks, twice a week, for an hour each visit, plus the time to drive 70 miles round trip to get there.  The good thing is, Dean can drive over from his office and meet me there and take the kids for the hour while I am in there.  The bad thing is it occurs right in the middle of the day, which isn't conducive to proper homeschooling.  :(

Traffic Flow

I've had a lot of people flow in and out of the house in the past couple of weeks.  Normally that is a thing that makes me break out into a cold sweat because that means people are in our house and they can see it for the messy disaster it is.  Dean really got things into shape while he was home that first week, and we have been fighting like hell to keep it that way.  So far we have had multiple visits from the window contractor, a couple of different guys who delivered and set up medical equipment pertinent to my knee rehab, the parents of Rylan's friend that lives on our street - as they shuttle the girls back and forth on play dates, my cousin and aunt who paid me a visit, my mom's cousin visited for a day... lots of traffic flow.  In the first few days, I was stuck in bed.  The contractor CAME TO THE BEDROOM to discuss plans for replacement windows with me.  He and Dean had toured all over the house, while I had to stay in the passive motion machine.  I was not exactly up for wandering around the house, anyway.  The contractor seemed totally nonplussed by it.  On his next visit, he had a measuring guy with him, and he was totally uncomfortable with it.  He couldn't even make eye contact.  So while there was a ton of traffic, what I wished is that it wasn't a parade of strangers in my house, but a continual flow of friends instead.  The visit from my cousin and aunt, my mom's cousin, my brother, mom and dad were all very nice indeed.  They were integral in keeping my spirits up, but I wish it had been more.

Birthday and Friendship Blues

My birthday on the 8th sucked.  Several of my family members were on a cruise, and they were out at sea on the day of, so phone calls could not be made.  I was in pretty serious pain.  I was still struggling with an ineffective dosage amount of my pain meds, plus terrible cramping in the gut, and all I could do was curl into the fetal position and lay there.  Which meant I wasn't in the mood for company.  Which meant that I was left alone for hours (my own doing, not because my family was not taking care of me), with no means of getting anything I needed when the need did arise.  By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was dehydrated, had very low blood-sugar, and thoroughly pissed off for even being in that state.  We were to meet my dad for dinner and ice cream, and I could barely keep my bearings in the car, as woozy and dizzy as I was.  Dinner helped, the ice cream was better, so the day felt a little salvaged, somewhat.  In looking back, it was just an unfortunate confluence of a lot of different circumstances that couldn't be helped, that made the day what it was.  There was a nice trickle of messages throughout the day on Facebook, and that helped, but you know... I've had a lot of time to lie around, thinking about different things.  Friendship, and what it means, has come to mind a lot lately.  This recovery has been one long and lonely road.  My phone has been rather silent, my inbox a little too empty, and my heart a little heavy.

I've talked about these friendship troubles with Dean at length, as he lets me vent and feel sorry for myself.  He sees that at times I hold myself distant from friends, and that I close myself off.  I think that is true.  There are so many hurts and let-downs in my past that I think I use that as a protective measure so that I don't get hurt anymore.  But I think that loneliness hurts even more.  So, take a moment and give thanks if you have that close circle of friends that rally behind you when you face adversity.  If you have that friend that shows up with a cup of coffee and stays an hour to visit with you and makes you laugh to momentarily take your mind off your pain or your troubles, if you have that friend that calls you up to see how you are doing - just because, if you have that friend that drops off a new library book, or a casserole, or fresh produce or flowers from her garden.... you are so, so lucky.  Friendship is precious.  I have a lot work to do in the department of being a good friend and creating better friendships.

Schedule Hell

School starts for us tomorrow.  It is not the *official* first day for Colorado Calvert Online Academy, but we are getting a head start so that we can figure out how it all works beforehand.  The new school room is ready, but not quite ready for pictures.  I still have a few more things to get put away today.  For the past several months I have been hard at work clearing our schedule so that when we did make the jump and start up with Calvert, nothing during the daytime hours got in our way as a distraction.  Then I tore my ACL, and the rehab alone will steal hours from our school time.  Then, late last week, I realized I completely forgot something when planning out our fall schedule.  I spaced that Lego NXT is starting up again.  Both Rylan and Jordan are on Lego NXT teams.  Rylan is on an all-girls team, and her practices started last week.  I love Lego.  I love that they are excited about Lego.  I just don't love the time slot they practice in very much.  Monday-Thursday, for two hours each day, Jordan and Rylan will alternate days for their practice sessions.  I don't have a schedule yet for the times when Jordan, Rylan and Owen meet online with their teachers, but I anticipate we will have a serious time conflict in very short order.  I keep telling myself that Lego and therapy will only last until mid-November, but that is not helping very much.  This was not the start I was envisioning.  I'm already stressed...