I'm afraid I don't exactly *love* Calvert anymore. It's been a such a tough beginning (this trimester), as we have pushed on and forward, yet falling ultimately further behind. I know that things will drastically improve in December when several hours in our schedule will free up, and that is the hope that I am hanging on to - with all I've got. I feel like a doofus for saying in the past that I wanted to be accountable to somebody, because that would help us stay on a schedule. Our insane schedule has driven me to drinking (coffee - and tons of it) and constantly updating vast spreadsheets I've made of assignments, due dates, pacing schedule and so forth.
1. I now officially hate being accountable to somebody. I feel guilty if we take a half hour to ourselves and go to a park, or if I have to run an errand. We're so behind it feels like every hour has potential to get just 'a little bit more' done, so we have minimal contact with the outside world (doing stuff that is fun, and stuff that we want to do). I hate to admit that this accountability has been good for us, because we have accomplished more schoolwork already than we accomplished all of last year. I just don't like losing so much of our freedom. The freedom to make your own schedule is a big part of what homeschooling is all about.
2. I am no longer okay with somebody else picking out our curriculum. In the past week it was suggested in Owen's Kindergarten curriculum that I reread a story about a walk a child takes with fuzzy farm animals no less than 10 times. 10 TIMES. It was to be reread during each lesson - and discussed ad nauseam - for 5 lessons in a row. Yes, each rereading used a different approach or covered a different aspect of the story (predicting, color of animals, fur/feathers/scales, sentence structure, blah blah blah) Owen was ready to poke his eyes out with his big yellow pencil. Rylan just completed the most horrific math chapter on bar modeling. She is a whiz with three digit addition with carrying, three digit subtraction with borrowing - done the traditional way, and then they throw this crap at her. I HATE SINGAPORE. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I've been standing before my schoolbook cases - now covered in dust - looking longingly at the awesome curriculum we had to shelve when Calvert came along. History of Us, Story of the World, R.E.A.L. Science 4 Kids, Shurley English, All About Spelling, Meet the Masters, Wordly Wise 3000.... so sad. so so sad. There just isn't time, and it breaks my heart, because this was good stuff. I've got to find a way to work it in, or substitute things, or...something. Something!
I am pretty sure I will not pull the plug here mid-year, but I am undecided if we will continue with Calvert next year. I constantly sit and fantasize about how I would take what I have learned about scheduling and pacing, and make it work with the curriculum that I want to use. The other factor is that the kids do love their online class time - and there is no way to replicate that. What to do, what to do, what to do... uugh. Sometimes I don't like being in charge. Here we are at that stupid crossroads again - what if I make the wrong decision? What if they fall even further behind? Am I ruining them by keeping them home?
Homeschooling is not for the faint of heart. You've got to be strong in your convictions because you will tested. Constantly. I am strong in that I want them home. I could never surrender those Aha! moments of first words, first writing, first reading to another teacher. Never. I would never surrender them willingly to the social ladder of the classroom, the chaos of the lunchroom and playground, or the unrelenting schedule of homework, book reports, school functions and so forth. I want them home so that their day can go at a reasonable pace, so that they can get adequate amounts of sunshine, playtime and downtime, so that they can go long in math and short in writing, or switch it if the mood arises, so that we can Google that question, YouTube that demonstration or build that next creation. This I am strong in.
Where I am weak is how to go about it. There is no ONE way - yes, I know that. But our way over the past few years hasn't worked very well. I'm weak in the execution of it all. I'm weak in multi-tasking, delegating, time management - and with four kids that is a big liability. My weak side has been winning lately. First, I sabotaged our schedule by allowing Jordan and Rylan to do an activity that was clearly in conflict with school. It has created a huge, huge problem, in fact. I didn't factor in the time expense, the $$ cost to participate, the shuttling kids back and forth, the group snack headache and $$$$... These are all things that I loathe about activities like this. For Jordan, the reward does not even come close to the pain. In fact, there has been damage done to relationships because he is so unhappy with his group. For Rylan, the reward has been mostly worth it. She has learned some new skills, made a new friend and looks forward to participating. I am just too quick to agree to things. I really need to sit down and work out the cost analysis before saying 'yes'. I am also not managing our time very well. Hours slip by without much to show for it, as I spend the time doing silly things like looking for lost items, going back to the store for forgotten things, shuttling kids back and forth to stuff, and making spreadsheets about how I should be spending my time.
All of this weakness has led to some not-so-good-things. First of all, more than once I have woken in a cold sweat - certain that I forgot to pick up a kid from somewhere. I have even got up, and gone to the kids' rooms to do a headcount to make sure everyone was accounted for. There is just way too much picking up/dropping off going on, and every day is a different routine. I check the calendar about 20 times a day because I am constantly afraid I am forgetting to do something or that I am late for something. Panic attacks. Daily, if not hourly panic attacks. I panic about the schedule, the schoolwork, the house repairs, the towering stack of unopened mail (what is in there?), my knee rehab, two upcoming road trips... my heart races, my chest hurts and I think I am having a heart attack multiple times a day. No joke. There is also the crushing depression. It's back, and with a vengeance. I can't get anything done. I am so overwhelmed, I can't care about the unopened mail, the unbalanced checkbook, the unfinished compositions, the dirty house, the child that is still having multiple 'accidents' a day, or even writing on here very much. I don't have a clue about where to start. I went to my doctor a few weeks back to ask for help, and I am back on an antidepressant. This time I am trying out Prozac. It is too low of a dose in my opinion, but it is a step in the right direction, and we'll up the dose next refill. There has been some improvement, but the panic attacks have not stopped. :( I also think about where I was a year ago, vs. now. I've gained nearly all of my weight back, due to lack of exercise because of my knee, and way more comfort/stress eating than I care to admit. I know that the daily walking/running I was doing last year played a big part in keeping the depression at bay, and that I am soooo close to getting the all-clear to start walking daily, at least.
I think that this fall has just been particularly hard. It's been a whole slew of a lot of little things that added all together made up the perfect clusterfuck stress bomb. Let's just call that the CSB. The new school 'thing', the hailstorm and the subsequent house and car repairs and the constant - daily! - meetings and phone calls with insurance agents, contractors, subs, shopping excursions and actual repair work, the knee surgery/rehab and the 30+ doctor appointments I've had since July, the insane activity schedule and so on, and so on, and so on... I can't wait for December. Even though Nutcracker craziness will be a part of the first half of December, that's okay. We've actually really been enjoying that, for some reason that escapes me right now.
