Ode to my uterus...

You safely carried my babies three

Until my body set them free

Like clockwork came the monthly flood

Otherwise known as the period

I pushed you too hard in delivery

of my final sweet baby

You began to descend

and now the surgeon must mend

Out you will go

So long, Aunt Flo!

So, I didn't exactly think during my consultation with a gynecological surgeon last week that I would be adding 'Hysterectomy' to my agenda next month.  I did not go in thinking about my uterus at all, actually.  I was consulting him about an entirely different problem, and botta-boom-botta-bing next thing you know he's talking major surgery.  

Five years ago, when I delivered Colin, I pushed way too hard.  The midwife handling the delivery was new to me, because my usual one was handling an emergency delivery elsewhere.  This midwife did not coach me one bit.  I just pushed and pushed and pushed because it hurt so much and I just wanted him out.  All of that pushing put extreme pressure on various parts 'down there' and things haven't been the same since.  In technical terms, the issue for the past five years has been a rectocele. (look it up)  Not a pleasant thing to live with.  Every annual exam, my regular midwife - who I have seen for the past ten years, has asked me if I wanted to get it looked at by a surgeon.  I always said no in the past, because it sounded like a horrific surgery to me (as my imagination ran wild...)  Finally, this year, I gave in.  I am concerned that the longer it goes on, it may invite other medical issues to crop up.  

So I met with the surgeon this past week, and after the exam, he said that the rectocele was indeed quite significant.  In addition to that, my uterus was showing signs of minor prolapse, as well as the bladder.  If he were to do only the surgery to correct the rectocele, it would just put additional pressure on the uterus, making a full collapse inevitable in the years to come.  The hysterectomy was 'optional', but heavily recommended.  I think I thought about it for about a half-second before I said oh hell yes.

I have been living with the threat of cervical cancer hanging over my head for the last 20 years or so.  It began with an abnormal pap that revealed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, due to HPV.  So I had a LLETZ loop cone biopsy done (look it up).  Ten years after that I had to have another one, just after the delivery of Rylan, plus a DNC to remove leftover placental material.  To remove this threat would be a huge relief for me.  Also, after 345 periods (give or take) I think I have had my fill, and am ready to be done with that whole business.

So next month it is, and if my calculations are correct, it will be right at the end of a period.

Joy. 

  

A Gift from God...

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2012/10/24/1149395/-GOP-Rape-Advisory-Chart-h-t-to-connecticutie

 

 

I'll give you a moment to clear the vomit from your mouth....

 

 

First of all, let me say that these statements are absolutely reprehensible.  Vile.  Disgusting. 

 

and... illuminating.

 

Here is your beloved Grand Old Party, nation!  In all of its glory.  There are actual living, breathing citizens out there who elected these pathetic men and women into office.  And they are still out there, ready to do it again.  Even worse, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan have stood behind their endorsement for these candidates - and almost half of the nation is ready to elect them into office.

 

Nation?  WOMEN of this nation?  Do you not see the big picture here?

 

There is an alarming trend by the GOP to blur the lines of separation between church and state.

 

Men have no business legislating what women can and cannot do with their own body.

 

Politicians have no business altering your personal rights, based upon their own personal brand of theology.

 

Believe it or not, not every citizen in this nation is a Christian.  So stop forcing the rest of us to live up to your version of Christian ideals.

 

 

SCIENCE NEWS FLASH!!!

 



 



Pregnancy happens because a sperm fertilizes an egg.  It has happened that way for over the past 600 million years.  Which is roughly about 599,997,200 years before the concept of monotheism was even conceived.  Therefore, I think it is safe to say that 'God' doesn't really have a hand in it.

 

 

 

CRIMINOLOGY 101

 



1. Rape is defined committing a sexual act by the use of coercion or FORCE against another person, without that person's consent.

 

2. Manner of the victim's dress, conduct, intelligence, age, ethnicity or prior sexual behavior are never grounds to justify rape.  There is NO justification for rape.

 

 I don't know what else to say here... lately I feel like just slamming my head against the wall because nobody is listening.  Nobody is able to see the big picture.  Voters need to shake themselves out of their religion-steeped stupor and demand better leadership.


Please wake up, America.... please?



 



The 'miscarriage' and the miracle...

At around 2 am Monday morning I was tossing and turning with the uncomfortable feeling that I had wet my pants or something... A persistent nagging voice to 'get up' entered my dreams but I could not rouse myself until about the 4th time I turned over and I thought my entire bladder emptied in just a seconds' time. I immediately sat upright with my feet on the floor and felt a gush of 'something' running down my legs. As I bolted for the bathroom I could feel more and more fluid run down my legs. I fumbled for the light switch and even without my glasses I could tell instantly that this was not good - all I could see was a red stain rapidly spreading across my nightgown.

"NOOOOOOO!!!! Oh please no!"

I screamed for Dean. I screamed for it to stop. I screamed for my glasses because I couldn't see. I couldn't see what was happening other than there was blood. And lots of it. I felt a sudden gush, as if my insides had suddenly left my body and I slipped and slid into the shower stall. Whatever it was, it was now in my underwear. I was shaking with fright - I did not want to look. Dean was with me now as I put on my glasses and looked...

"No....no....no...no...."

Up until this point I had experienced good fortune with my pregnancies. No major mishaps. Only minor bleeding with Rylan in the 13th week. Nothing like this. I don't know what happens during a miscarriage. I don't know what you see or don't see. My heart aches for every woman I have met that has shared their personal grief over an experience of miscarriage in their life. But I never pressed for details... I don't know exactly what they experienced. I can only imagine - and again I share my sorrow with them for their loss. But what I was looking at just horrified me. A mass the size of my hand. That can't be good. Nothing that large, in the thirteenth week of pregnancy can be a positive sign that everything is A-OK.

We hugged. We cried. We grieved. We were both of the same mind that the pregnancy had just come a horrible and definitive end. We gathered up what we could to show the ER personnel because I remembered reading somewhere that you should do that. I showered while Dean so kindly cleaned the floor and took care of the carpets and the nightgown.

Thankfully the kids remained asleep and mom arrived to lend a hand (and her shoulder). We drove off into the night. Numb. Stunned. In total disbelief. There had been no warning. No sign of impending doom. No pain, no more discomfort than what I felt on any other normal day of pregnancy. This came out of virtually nowhere. In fact, later that morning we were due to have our first ultrasound. We both relayed feelings of relief that we had not seen the baby yet or heard it's heartbeat. That would have made it all the more unbearable now.

We arrived at the ER, and the doctor examined me, and looked at what was in the bag.

"Hmmm. We'll know more when we see what the ultrasound shows".

??

We didn't want to see. We didn't want to see an empty black space of nothing (or worse...) I laid there imagining all sorts of awful things that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.

In the meantime, Dean went white as a sheet. He slumped over and warned the nurse that he was about to go down. Too much adrenaline... They moved him to another bed and gave him juice and a cold wash cloth. In the meantime I got an IV. I was feeling woozy myself. In the passing minutes Dean came around and they wheeled me to the ultrasound room.

We couldn't bear to watch. I began to hurt and feel even more nauseous myself. The tech kept up the small talk and didn't seem phased at all by what she was seeing. Again - surreal.

They wheeled me back into the ER and we waited. Just a few moments really - and then the nurse came back. She seemed a little too happy. She even grinned.

"Have you heard the results?"

uhhhh...

"The baby is just fine. Normal heart rate. Everything looks okay."

Say what? What baby? There can't possibly still be a baby. Not after what we saw as we sat on the shower floor. That is just not.... well... not what we expected to hear.

Then the tears of relief came. And then abject terror. Well if didn't happen, then it's STILL HAPPENING....right? This was only a sign that the process was just beginning. Everywhere I've read - once a miscarriage begins, there is nothing that can stop it. But the nurse was HAPPY. That counts for something right?

The doctor came in and said that I had passed a rather large (duh!?!) blood clot and that indeed, the baby was just fine. No idea where the bleeding was coming from, but the placenta was intact and just fine. Good news... except for the no idea where all the blood was coming from part.

We went home. Again in disbelief. We shared the good news with mom and went to bed. I didn't sleep very much. We got up, got the kids ready and went to our 9 am ultrasound appt. We were wanting answers. She brought up the image and here is what we saw...

He/she was even doing some flashy arm movements! Heart rate fine, measurements fine... everything just fine. Great! So, um, why all the bleeding? Well, from what the technician was able to tell, there is a large blood clot sitting just adjacent to the cervix. The placenta is sitting over the cervix as well. The cervix is securely closed, so the blood clot will remain. The placenta will move as the uterus grows, but to what degree remains to be seen. A placenta over or near the cervix is called Placenta Previa. It is not a good thing. We experienced the same thing with Rylan at 13 weeks and by the 20th week ultrasound, things had resolved themselves. I think this time around it is a little more serious. A placenta over the cervix when delivery time comes is actually a very dangerous thing. We'll know more in the coming weeks.

Well, as this week has progressed I am feeling better. I still feel like I've taken about 50 direct hits with a soccer ball to the gut. I don't know why that would be. Weird. I feel tired and I'm hobbling around like I feel 36 weeks pregnant. But each day it gets better. I've been blessed with very helpful family and friends this week. A nice dinner of bbq beef sandwiches one night, lasagna the next, cinnamon rolls for breakfast - and even help with the dishes!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Tomorrow is my 38th birthday and the picture above is the best present I could have ever asked for.