Seasons

Evidently this is not my season for writing.  A great many thoughts swirl through my head, but most are best left unsaid...  I am not tired of winter.  I love watching the snow fall outside the window.  I love the feeling of wearing multiple layers, topped off with a soft knit hat.  I love the heavy, secure thud of snow boots as I trod through the deep snow.  I do love winter.  But I struggle with SAD, so winter does not exactly love me back.  I'm back on my antidepressant.  I went off of it in October when I had my surgery, and I felt really great until about mid-December.  It's been a little rocky ever since.  A couple of posts were written, one I even posted, and then regretted about an hour later.  See?  Never write when you are emotional.  Well, yes - write for goodness sake, because that is good therapy, but just don't post it for all the world to see.  Yes, this is most definitely not my season for writing.  I'm having the greatest difficulty getting the right words onto the page, lately.

I prefer to read what will uplift me, inspire me or intrigue me.  I am sure that applies to most of us.  I haven't felt any of those things lately, so I figured it was best not to write.  I do have a few updates that I suppose would fit into the 'uplift' category, so I'll share.

* Colin is potty-trained!  We celebrated those wonderful days that stretch between Christmas and New Years - the days where you don't really need to even leave the house - with towels, wipes and Lysol at the ready as Colin prowled the house naked.  Within the day he left the training potty behind and made friends with the big potty.  He was by far the easiest child to train.  No qualms about pooping, he can hold it for a surprising amount of time and he is totally tuned into his bodily cues about when he needs to go.  We aren't ditching the diapers completely yet, we still have a ways to go before he is dry through the night.  Besides, Dean bought an entire case of diapers just days before we decided to do this, lol...  I have to say that after changing diapers every. single. day. for the past seven years and 7 months, I don't miss it a bit.

* Rylan is regularly reading to herself now.  The Mr. Putter and Tabby books are a current favorite.  It warms my heart to hear her reading out loud as I wrangle the boys through the bedtime routine.  When they are finally in bed, I enjoy my favorite time of day - reading the Little House series with Rylan.  We are currently working our way through Farmer Boy.

* I recently attended a reception at the elementary school I taught at just before I made the "transition" to homeschooling SAHM.  For those who don't know, it wasn't a transition.  I taught there for three years and always did well on my teacher evaluations, but I got into trouble in my third year when I was accused of talking to a child (which is akin to "cheating") during a high-stakes test. (I was simply encouraging the child to pick up his pencil, think about the way we had practiced in class and finish the stupid thing) The principle notified me a couple months later that he was not going to renew my contract (fired).  It was a huge blow to me.  My teaching career was essentially over.  No other school in the district would hire me because I was a third year teacher - to do so meant that I would receive tenure as well.  I also was without recommendation from my principal, because he was hell bent on hanging me from the highest tree since I had brought 'shame' to his school by having a test invalidated.  The biggest blow, however, was that my closest colleagues basically threw me under the bus and distanced themselves from me.  These fellow teachers had shocked me, with how they had behaved in regards to testing.  I'm talking about telling a student to erase their answers and do it over.  Making photocopies of previous test booklets and using them to teach from.  My integrity had been called into question, yet these "cheaters" got away with what they did because they didn't get caught.  I have struggled all these years not to walk into my ex-principals office and rat them out.  To just stand before his desk and have my say... in a rather loud and tearful manner.  I am proud to say I never did.  These fellow teachers will never know how close I came to ending their careers  - simply because I could never treat someone like the way they treated me during those final weeks of the school year.

This reception to was mark the 50th anniversary of the school.  My mom taught at this school for over 20 years, so I have a lot of history with this school, in addition to just teaching there.  I have not been back since my last teaching day seven years ago.  The evil principal left at the end of last year to take a position overseas.  I would have never had set foot in that school otherwise.  I had to steel myself before I walked in.  I would be nice.  I would hold my head high.  I did nothing 'wrong', so why should I feel guilty??  There were a surprising amount of my former colleagues that asked where I was teaching 'now'.  They obviously didn't know the details.  Those who did were polite and genuinely happy and surprised to see me.  The guilty ones avoided me.  I'm glad that I went, I wish that I could just lay this demon the rest and be done with it...but it still stings, as you can undoubtedly tell.  Nobody likes being branded a cheater when it just simply isn't true.  I think it has bored it's way into my psyche and I just have to work all the more harder to feel confident about my teaching skills and good about myself in general. 

One last thing about the reception... I did get to visit, briefly, with the teacher that I student taught under as I was working on my degree.  She is a first-class teacher.  Mrs. C's methodology is like no other - she has high expectations of her students, she is thorough, she is prepared and takes the utmost care to maximize the time spent in the classroom.  I learned so much from her, all those years ago.  I was on my way out when I ran into her, and she gave me a big hug.  She asked about the kids, and we talked 'shop'.  I mentioned my misgivings about homeschooling Owen and Colin, given their oppositional character of late, and she launched into a lengthy explanation about teaching to a child's strengths, and isn't that the beauty of homeschooling?  You already know your children so well.. and in the end - homeschooling isn't for everyone, and they may benefit from being in the classroom.  I felt like I was instantly pulled back in time and we were once again in her classroom, having those long conversations after the school day.  I was glad it ended on that note.  I am a teacher.  I always will be.  I may not earn a paycheck anymore, but my rewards are different.  Rylan can read, sew, and cook, Jordan can work algebraic equations, Owen can paint and Colin is learning his letters because I taught them how.  I hope that I can teach them how to have confidence too.  That deriving one's self-worth from the opinion of others is not the way to go...

And I will leave it here.. busy days are ahead of us.  Colin is turning FOUR tomorrow.  I just can't believe how fast time is going by.  I need to take a crash-course in badminton because that is the topic in tomorrow's homeschool PE class, and it is my turn to lead.  We have our girl scout cookie booth this coming weekend and I need to prepare for that.  And the Olympics are starting in a couple of days, huh?  I guess I need to work in some school stuff about that too.  Right now it is snowing out, it is time to start lessons and then have a nice lunch of hot tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  I do love winter.  :)