Meet the Family: Jordan

Parked along the sea wall in Galveston, TX. Oct 2010
I look at this picture any time I need a laugh - Jordan's expression says it all...

Jordan is my eleven year old stepson.  He moved out to Colorado with his daddy, Dean, when Dean's company transferred him.  Dean has had sole custody of Jordan since he was two.  I first met Jordan when he was just a couple of months shy of his fifth birthday.

Jordan's number-one strength is that he is adaptable.  A lot of serious life events have happened in his eleven years so far... a divorce, a move, a new preschool, a new step mom and a move, a new elementary school, a new sister, transition to homeschooling, a new brother, another new brother and perhaps the most upsetting of all was his mother's diagnosis of stage 4 colorectal cancer 14 months ago.  Through it all, Jordan has managed to weather it all fairly well.

Jordan has several unique gifts (although sometimes they are a burden as well).  Jordan has ADHD.  The symptoms are manageable for the most part.  His ability to focus on ONE thing is compromised, he is impulsive, jittery, outspoken and interrupts constantly.  Kindergarten was a nightmare!  His classroom was situated just one room away from mine, and the way our school was configured (no hallway), I would have to walk through his room with my class to travel elsewhere in the school.  I hardly ever saw him in there.  Where was he??  Well, for the most part, he was spending time in the 'refocus room', where students who are misbehaving are sent to stare at the wall  pull it together.  He was sent every day, several times a day.  First grade was not much better.  We had high hopes at the beginning of that school year.... he would have a veteran teacher, be in a class of just 14 students, and had an intervention plan written out where he could go to the Moderate Needs room when he needed time to focus - away from the hub-bub of the regular classroom.  As it turned out - the 'veteran' teacher (who should have been able to redirect him when he needed it) sent him to Moderate Needs for most of the day, every day.  He got to participate in very short-lived doses of all the super fun things that first-graders do.  By the end of the year he was miserable.  To top it off, he was witnessing some off-the-charts behavior from his fellow students in the Moderate Needs room.  Students who were there for emotional/behavioral stuff... if you catch my drift.  After receiving some particularly graphic drawings from a psychotic disturbed little boy, Jordan was beginning to dread going to school.  When the year was over, we decided that both of us were officially 'done' with public school.

It is interesting that the 'inappropriate' behaviors that Jordan exhibits in the classroom are what makes homeschooling such a successful option for him.  He is curious, inventive, and he will doggedly pursue his interests.  That being said, we would not be able to make homeschooling work for us if we didn't actively work to suppress his symptoms to a manageable degree.  I was all for using drugs in Kindergarten and first grade (just to make his teachers happy), and then I backed off.  I thought that a change in environment (learning in the home) and dietary changes would be enough.  I do believe his diet plays a part in it.  For almost two years now we have been tinkering with dosages and different meds to find the perfect balance.  We avoid artificial food coloring - Yellow #5 seems to be particularly problematic.  Give him some orange soda and he will go completely nuts.  Well, after the better part of a year, I realized that the combination of his behaviors and my frustration level with him was damaging our personal relationship.  I have always chosen to deal with him with a heavy hand, mostly because he can come across as completely obnoxious if he isn't on his meds, and I am super-sensitive to how he behaves in public.  I have this hang-up that my children's behavior is a personal reflection on me and how well I am doing my job as a parent.  A completely selfish and controlling aspect of my personality.  that's why I am in therapy, people!!  Yet, I am sure, that others would interpret his behavior as just your average kid.  I think that you don't really 'know' what it is like until you live with the behavior, day in and day out, weeks, months, and years on end.  So be nice and don't judge me.  :)  In the past six years, the symptoms have dramatically improved.  I do look forward to the day when he has enough self-awareness that he can manage the behaviors on his own.  Do the drugs interfere with his creativity?  Nope.  We have a good combo (20mg of Vyvanse for the day and .5 mg Risperidone and 3mg of Melatonin at night) that helps take the edge off of his inattentiveness and helps him to filter out the plethora of stimuli that comes his way each day.  Does it make him a zombie or change his personality???  Not a bit.

If I were suddenly in the throes of divorce and lost custody, I would live where my kids live.  I could not imagine living without them or not being an intimate part of their lives.  But life happens, and that is not always possible.  In Jordan's case, his mother lives in OKC, where all of Dean's family resides as well.  Her parents live there, and since she is an only child, they depend on her as they advance in years.  Picking up and leaving is not an option.  Jordan goes on visitation with his mother (and stepfather) three times a year - rotating holidays (Thanksgiving or Christmas), Spring Break, and six weeks in summer.  The visits go fairly well, but there is always a very rough 'reentry' period of time after an extended visit.  Life there is, umm..., much different then it is here.  To help bridge the cultural gap, I constantly strive to help Jordan 'connect' with his mom.  She calls every day, which is a very good thing.  The conversations though, are typically short.  You can tell that both parties are asking the same, tired questions.  I feel like an intruder, but I try and guide Jordan to tell her the more interesting aspects of his day (which he typically forgets) and to have deeper conversations with her.  I want him to get to 'know' her, and more importantly, for her to get to 'know' him.  She needs to know that he likes going to museums.  He likes to read.  He likes watching interesting science/history/geography stuff on TV like NOVA Science Now, Mythbusters, Nature, anything on Nat Geo, and so forth.  Follow your children's interests and you can form a real bond and have fun at the same time.  In this case, it will be difficult.  Even I could hear the disdain in her voice through the phone the other day when he told her he was watching NOVA.  "You watch that?"  (face palm)  I have my work cut out for me.

Jordan is smart.  He learns best by doing.  He pulls down the microscope at least once a day to look at something he found outside.  He will make five new friends within minutes of arriving at a playground.  He is funny.  He must have at least a handful of Lego pieces with him at all times.  His hands can be busy with the most complicated of things, yet he will listen to and repeat back all that you say to him.  (that can be infuriating when you think he isn't listening...)  He constantly wants to be a part of whatever you are doing - cooking especially.  He loves to make funny movies with his siblings on his camera.  He loves Sponge Bob.  And he has a crush on a girl (Naomi) in his karate class.  He is affectionate.  He insists on hugging every family member at bed time.  He helps around the house or with his siblings without complaint.  He is my right hand, and I couldn't do what I do without him.  I just need to tell him that more often.  And be less strict.  really, I'm trying!