Ode to my uterus...

You safely carried my babies three

Until my body set them free

Like clockwork came the monthly flood

Otherwise known as the period

I pushed you too hard in delivery

of my final sweet baby

You began to descend

and now the surgeon must mend

Out you will go

So long, Aunt Flo!

So, I didn't exactly think during my consultation with a gynecological surgeon last week that I would be adding 'Hysterectomy' to my agenda next month.  I did not go in thinking about my uterus at all, actually.  I was consulting him about an entirely different problem, and botta-boom-botta-bing next thing you know he's talking major surgery.  

Five years ago, when I delivered Colin, I pushed way too hard.  The midwife handling the delivery was new to me, because my usual one was handling an emergency delivery elsewhere.  This midwife did not coach me one bit.  I just pushed and pushed and pushed because it hurt so much and I just wanted him out.  All of that pushing put extreme pressure on various parts 'down there' and things haven't been the same since.  In technical terms, the issue for the past five years has been a rectocele. (look it up)  Not a pleasant thing to live with.  Every annual exam, my regular midwife - who I have seen for the past ten years, has asked me if I wanted to get it looked at by a surgeon.  I always said no in the past, because it sounded like a horrific surgery to me (as my imagination ran wild...)  Finally, this year, I gave in.  I am concerned that the longer it goes on, it may invite other medical issues to crop up.  

So I met with the surgeon this past week, and after the exam, he said that the rectocele was indeed quite significant.  In addition to that, my uterus was showing signs of minor prolapse, as well as the bladder.  If he were to do only the surgery to correct the rectocele, it would just put additional pressure on the uterus, making a full collapse inevitable in the years to come.  The hysterectomy was 'optional', but heavily recommended.  I think I thought about it for about a half-second before I said oh hell yes.

I have been living with the threat of cervical cancer hanging over my head for the last 20 years or so.  It began with an abnormal pap that revealed pre-cancerous cells on my cervix, due to HPV.  So I had a LLETZ loop cone biopsy done (look it up).  Ten years after that I had to have another one, just after the delivery of Rylan, plus a DNC to remove leftover placental material.  To remove this threat would be a huge relief for me.  Also, after 345 periods (give or take) I think I have had my fill, and am ready to be done with that whole business.

So next month it is, and if my calculations are correct, it will be right at the end of a period.

Joy. 

  

All I want for Christmas is to be able to breathe. Normally.

In the past week our family has gone through:

4 cans of chicken soup

2 cans tomato soup

2 gallons of juice

2 liters of 7-up

1 jar of honey

1 box of tea

1 box of saltines

2 bottles of Children's Tylenol

3 boxes of Kleenex

1 box of extra-strength Mucinex

It is difficult when a family member is sick.  It is even harder when four are sick simultaneously.  You have to compete for couch space.  Feverish kids want to lay on you, as well as the cat.  There aren't enough Kleenex boxes to go around.  Somebody is going to have to let the dog out.  And it won't be me, since I can't lift my head off the pillow without it splitting into two.

My hero this week is my 8 year old daughter (the only one well at the time) who managed to make the rest of us tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  She let the dog out.  Multiple times.  She fetched blankets, charger cords, Kleenex and made tea.  My husband, also my hero, who was just a bit less dizzy than I, was the one who made the heroic trip to the grocery store to replenish our stores, and monitor everyone's temperature.

We managed.  We survived.  We even got the tree decorated.  I kept half-lidded eyes on the breakables, as each child hung up their ornaments.  I didn't give a whit where they ended up on the tree.  We had Christmas movie marathons.  I've watched every episode of every season of Shawn the Sheep.  I think I'm good now, thanks.  Even though being sick absolutely sucks, everybody being in the same boat draws a family closer together.  United in snot.  And phlegm.  The one with the highest temperature of the hour wins....a popsicle!

And now, our little Florence Nightingale is taking her turn.  She is the lucky one.  She has four family members to wait on her.

Jordan is so, so lucky that he is in OKC at the moment...  

and now, in that post-cold energy rush, it is sinking in that I've only got 5 days to get my Christmas shit together....

A knee update

It's been a little over 10 weeks since surgery.  The first three weeks were really rough.  I couldn't stand for more than a few minutes at a time, and walking without the walker was impossible.  During that first week I was in a haze, but I am so thankful for the meal that a friend dropped by, and another delivered by a fellow scout family - which was a nice surprise!  The following week my family (mom, brother and SIL) arrived home from a trip, and my SIL prepped a weeks' worth of freezer meals and sent them up with my brother (a total surpise!), and then she did it AGAIN the next week.  It was an absolute life-saver.  Dean did a great job in holding down the household that first week, but meal prep was a challenge, lol...  I am so grateful for the thoughtfulness and the help we received - especially the second week when my mom came every day so I could rest, and for the occasional ride the kids needed to get to this and that since I couldn't drive yet.  Since those first two weeks, I have done 16 physical therapy sessions.  I was going twice a week during August and September, and now I have transitioned to once a week for the month of October.  November will probably be two sessions in that month, and we'll see about December.  It has been a long, grueling process.  I think about only two things in life right now: knee and school work.  Knee and school work.  Knee and school work.  There is no room for anything else in my brain right now.

The therapy is going really, really well.  My therapist's name is Katie, and she is outstanding.  My sessions last about an hour and fifteen minutes.  To begin each session she massages my knee and all of the surrounding muscles, and then pushes and pulls this way and that to work on my range of motion.  I am now at the ROM that she is looking for - a 130 degree or greater bend to the knee.  It took a very long time to get there.  I can remember the first couple weeks of therapy were just so unbelievably painful, and I was still wondering how I would ever walk normally again, so I know I've come a long way.

The rest of the sessions are spent working on weight machines, an exercise bike, and doing a slew of different moves involving dynabands, stair steps and balance balls.  The most difficult for me right now is a move where your completely isolate the quadricep muscle.  You stand on the edge of a secure step with one foot, the inside of the foot of your working leg lined up at the edge.  Then you slowly lower the free foot down towards the floor (but don't touch the floor), by bending at the knee on the working leg, being mindful to only use your quadricep and not jut out your hip to the side.  Then you stand back up.  Repeat 19 more times.  I managed TWO, only going down about an inch when I first tried.  It hit directly on my most tender, sorest spot on the knee.  I am now doing 30, on a much bigger box, but it is still tough and still painful.  Another good move is called a Monster Walk.  You tie a dynaband (the color determines the resistance level) into a loop, step inside it and position it at ankle-height.  Then you walk forward across the floor, swinging one leg slightly in front of the other and then swinging it out wide before planting your foot on the floor.  Then you step forward and swing out the other leg.  It helps if you picture yourself walking like Frankenstein, but with more of a wide arc in your leg swing, AND you must have your legs slightly bent at all time - like a constant, never-ending squat.  It really, really makes your hips burn, and forces the injured leg to work on stability when it becomes then standing leg with every other step and your balance is constantly shifting as the other leg is moving through its swing.  I really feel it when the other leg is just about fully swung out and about to be planted on the floor.  For that millisecond I am at my most vulnerable for my knee to crumple, and I have to have absolute focus with every step.

I do feel a lot stronger in my quadricep, as I can do leg lifts with ease now.  My weakness is that my knee still buckles backward every now and then, especially at the end of a long walk, or when I am tired at the end of the day.  Luckily it does not move from side to side anymore - so it looks like the surgery worked.  (wink).  My surgeon is all about getting the leg strengthened again, and is a huge proponent of getting into the gym and going into rehab with gusto.  So about three weeks ago I purchased a pass from the city to get into the warm therapy pool that is at one recreation location, and into the gym at another location.  The therapy pool is not as nice as the one at my physical therapy office, but it does the job.  I go twice a week and do my pool exercises.  I walk back and forth across the pool forwards, sideways, backwards, do squats, leg lifts, bicycle swings and the stairs.  The gym location is actually the Senior Center, which is just a short drive away for me, so it is really convenient.  The facility has gone through a recent renovation, and the fitness room is bee-U-tee-ful!  It has subdued lighting, it's quiet, the machines are all new and it has a nice selection of reclined exercise bikes, treadmills, stair-steppers, weight machines and free-weights.  Best of all, in the evenings you are likely to have the place to yourself.  It has become my sanctuary.  When I am not there, I count the hours until I can go again.  Dean took out a membership too, so we can go together for an hour or so about three nights a week.

I've passed several milestones in the past couple of weeks - walking down the stairs with alternating feet, a bicycle ride, and a hike (yesterday).  The hike was a bit too much, though.  The whole way up I was intent on concentrating at where I planted my feet.  On the way down, my knee was tired, and I was terrified my foot would skid away from me on the gravel.  Luckily nothing happened, but I have a lot more work to do to increase my muscle stamina.

I've been thinking about the months to come, and I can honestly say that I am terrified of the ice and snow that will be here sooner or later.  Terrified.  I can only imagine how awful it would be if I had just gone through the surgery.

That would totally suck...

Pain junkie

Happy 1st Anniversary of my breast reduction!

In thinking of a nifty way to celebrate my smaller version of myself, I thought it would be great to go in today and get a scar revision done, and wouldn't it be *just* fabulous that it's the actual anniversary date? I mean, really, I've gone 8 whole weeks without some sort of bandaging attached to me in some way or another, and that is just entirely too long. I think that I must have reached some magical threshold of feeling 'ok' that sends a signal to my brain that I need to cause myself more pain. So, why not call up the plastic surgeon and ask for a few stitches? Yes, WHY not??

So it has been a few hours since my procedure, and my local has worn off. I have bloody bandaging, plus pain and royal discomfort. A bonafide pain junkie trifecta!! If you have ever had serious surgical sutures, you most likely have experienced the 'dog ears' that form on each end as they heal. It is triangular-shaped pucker that looks a bit odd. With my breast reduction surgery, one side looked pretty bad in addition to significant scarring, and the other side was not so noticeable but still bothersome. I could have had the revision done as early as 6 months ago but I opted to wait it out a few more months to see if the one side would resolve itself. They did change a significant amount so I am glad that I waited, but it wasn't enough to make me feel like it wouldn't keep bothering me for years on end. So I made the appointment to just get it done and over with. Now I am back to walking around with my arms pinned down to my sides, not reaching for anything, and driving using only the bottom 1/3 of the steering wheel. That was my life for a solid four months just a short time ago, and the disturbingly familiar pain is no fun at all.

I think I am really, really ready to be done with all of this surgery and recovery business. Really. I have a damn surgical shelf in the medicine cabinet that I just want to clear out. Bandaging, non-stick gauze, paper tape, scar cream, elastic wrap, arm splints (2), knee splints (3), compression wrap, blah, blah, blah...

Anyway, happy anniversary to me. It's still the best thing I ever did for myself.

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New Roof, Physical Therapy, Traffic Flow, Birthday and Friendship Blues, Schedule Hell

New Roof

I don't think I mentioned it, but our new roof went on 7/29, two days before my ACL surgery.  I got up early and reparked the cars, we moved the roofing materials that we had stored temporarily in our garage for a few days out onto the driveway, and then a couple van loads of roofers showed up at 7:14 a.m. and got busy.  They were fast, efficient, and stuff was flying off our roof within 15 minutes.  Not a moment was spared.  The kids and I watched chucks of roofing fall from the sky for the next couple hours.  The sound was loud, but not deafening, unless you were in the garage.  In there, chunks of wood were falling from the ceiling.  We left for about three hours for errands and then came back.  Storms moved in around 1 p.m., the rain started to really come down at 2 p.m., and still they carried on with the work.  The entire job was done, the yard was picked clean, and they were on their way at 4:10 p.m.  I have only found two nails in the days since, so they did a really good job with the clean up.  The new roof looks absolutely beautiful.

Physical Therapy

I have made it through my first week of physical therapy on my knee.  I only have anywhere from 7-11 weeks to go.  The difference between my physical therapy this time around and the therapy I had on my shoulder is like night and day.  My shoulder therapist (different clinic) was cool, indifferent, and she did no manual therapy (like massage) on my very stiff and sore joint.  The only thing I did was lift weights in all sorts of different directions.  This time around, in a clinic in the same building as my surgeon, I am with the nicest therapist, ever.  Except that what she makes me do hurts more than you can imagine.  She massages my knee first, loosening my very stiff and swollen knee, and then has me work almost exclusively on contracting my quadricep - over and over, to strengthen my weakened leg.  Twice now it has been done with the help of a vicious torture device called STEM, which delivers an electric current to my muscle, to make it contract.  It hurts so bad it brings tears to my eyes, but I know it has to be done.  The nice thing is that after it is over, I get to relax while a nicer version of STEM massages the muscles and a bag of ice helps with the swelling.  I had the rest of my stitches pulled out last week, and just yesterday I graduated from the walker to a single crutch, which I use opposite of my bum knee.  I struggle with hyperextending my knee backwards (due to weak muscle control), so I have to walk very slowly, concentrating on keeping my knee bent ever-so-slightly as I move.  Now that I can walk with a free hand means that I can now carry a few things, which is like a whole new world.  I hated being so dependent on others to carry absolutely every little thing for me from point A to point B.  Therapy will continue for the next several weeks, twice a week, for an hour each visit, plus the time to drive 70 miles round trip to get there.  The good thing is, Dean can drive over from his office and meet me there and take the kids for the hour while I am in there.  The bad thing is it occurs right in the middle of the day, which isn't conducive to proper homeschooling.  :(

Traffic Flow

I've had a lot of people flow in and out of the house in the past couple of weeks.  Normally that is a thing that makes me break out into a cold sweat because that means people are in our house and they can see it for the messy disaster it is.  Dean really got things into shape while he was home that first week, and we have been fighting like hell to keep it that way.  So far we have had multiple visits from the window contractor, a couple of different guys who delivered and set up medical equipment pertinent to my knee rehab, the parents of Rylan's friend that lives on our street - as they shuttle the girls back and forth on play dates, my cousin and aunt who paid me a visit, my mom's cousin visited for a day... lots of traffic flow.  In the first few days, I was stuck in bed.  The contractor CAME TO THE BEDROOM to discuss plans for replacement windows with me.  He and Dean had toured all over the house, while I had to stay in the passive motion machine.  I was not exactly up for wandering around the house, anyway.  The contractor seemed totally nonplussed by it.  On his next visit, he had a measuring guy with him, and he was totally uncomfortable with it.  He couldn't even make eye contact.  So while there was a ton of traffic, what I wished is that it wasn't a parade of strangers in my house, but a continual flow of friends instead.  The visit from my cousin and aunt, my mom's cousin, my brother, mom and dad were all very nice indeed.  They were integral in keeping my spirits up, but I wish it had been more.

Birthday and Friendship Blues

My birthday on the 8th sucked.  Several of my family members were on a cruise, and they were out at sea on the day of, so phone calls could not be made.  I was in pretty serious pain.  I was still struggling with an ineffective dosage amount of my pain meds, plus terrible cramping in the gut, and all I could do was curl into the fetal position and lay there.  Which meant I wasn't in the mood for company.  Which meant that I was left alone for hours (my own doing, not because my family was not taking care of me), with no means of getting anything I needed when the need did arise.  By the time dinnertime rolled around, I was dehydrated, had very low blood-sugar, and thoroughly pissed off for even being in that state.  We were to meet my dad for dinner and ice cream, and I could barely keep my bearings in the car, as woozy and dizzy as I was.  Dinner helped, the ice cream was better, so the day felt a little salvaged, somewhat.  In looking back, it was just an unfortunate confluence of a lot of different circumstances that couldn't be helped, that made the day what it was.  There was a nice trickle of messages throughout the day on Facebook, and that helped, but you know... I've had a lot of time to lie around, thinking about different things.  Friendship, and what it means, has come to mind a lot lately.  This recovery has been one long and lonely road.  My phone has been rather silent, my inbox a little too empty, and my heart a little heavy.

I've talked about these friendship troubles with Dean at length, as he lets me vent and feel sorry for myself.  He sees that at times I hold myself distant from friends, and that I close myself off.  I think that is true.  There are so many hurts and let-downs in my past that I think I use that as a protective measure so that I don't get hurt anymore.  But I think that loneliness hurts even more.  So, take a moment and give thanks if you have that close circle of friends that rally behind you when you face adversity.  If you have that friend that shows up with a cup of coffee and stays an hour to visit with you and makes you laugh to momentarily take your mind off your pain or your troubles, if you have that friend that calls you up to see how you are doing - just because, if you have that friend that drops off a new library book, or a casserole, or fresh produce or flowers from her garden.... you are so, so lucky.  Friendship is precious.  I have a lot work to do in the department of being a good friend and creating better friendships.

Schedule Hell

School starts for us tomorrow.  It is not the *official* first day for Colorado Calvert Online Academy, but we are getting a head start so that we can figure out how it all works beforehand.  The new school room is ready, but not quite ready for pictures.  I still have a few more things to get put away today.  For the past several months I have been hard at work clearing our schedule so that when we did make the jump and start up with Calvert, nothing during the daytime hours got in our way as a distraction.  Then I tore my ACL, and the rehab alone will steal hours from our school time.  Then, late last week, I realized I completely forgot something when planning out our fall schedule.  I spaced that Lego NXT is starting up again.  Both Rylan and Jordan are on Lego NXT teams.  Rylan is on an all-girls team, and her practices started last week.  I love Lego.  I love that they are excited about Lego.  I just don't love the time slot they practice in very much.  Monday-Thursday, for two hours each day, Jordan and Rylan will alternate days for their practice sessions.  I don't have a schedule yet for the times when Jordan, Rylan and Owen meet online with their teachers, but I anticipate we will have a serious time conflict in very short order.  I keep telling myself that Lego and therapy will only last until mid-November, but that is not helping very much.  This was not the start I was envisioning.  I'm already stressed...

Turning 43...

My sweet daughter made me a birthday card and a get well card today. Not only that, but Rylan's neighborhood friend, who spent the morning at our house, made me a card too, which was very sweet. I spent the entire morning making trips between bed and bathroom. Dizzy, nauseous and in pain isn't how I wanted to spend the day.

A man from a medical supply company came early in the afternoon to deliver yet another torture device for my knee. I have to wear a muscle stimulator cuff around my thigh twice a day for the next month or so. Twenty minutes of squeezing pins and needles, as electric currents stimulate my quadricep muscle. This was my surprise birthday gift, I suppose. (Yay....)

In the late afternoon we picked up my dad and drove to Culver's to have dinner and then take ice cream to the park. That was nice to see my dad and catch up with him. The kids were squirrley, the restaurant was loud, and my pain meds are still clearly not working well in the pain relief arena, but they were sure doing their job of making me dizzy and sick.

I went straight to bed when we got home, but got up around 10 pm when I heard Colin crying in bed. He just needed to be held. Dean lost his patience with him days ago. I feel bad that I have difficulty being the mom I need to be right now. I held Colin, propping him on my good leg, and he fell asleep after awhile. Holding a sleeping child is birthday gift enough for me.

No deep reflective thoughts about the past year at the moment, other than I hit the highest high and the lowest low in regards to my health and emotional well-being. Since I am in the midst of the lowest-low, the only way is up, so I hope this next year brings better health and happiness my way.

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ACL Reconstuction: otherwise known as the second-most painful thing in the world

The first being, of course, natural childbirth. Been there, done that... Twice. But it is easy to resolve labor pain. Push hard, baby comes out, pain done.

 

No. This is worse. Much worse. Like, can I cut my leg off now????? Kind of worse.

 

I am having a rare moment of lucidity, that short 20-30 minute period where I'm between rounds of meds, so I'm in serious pain, but not loopy...yet, so I am writing this quickly while it will still make sense. It's been a vicious cycle these past couple of days. The meds make me nauseous, loopy, sad, anxious and drowsy all at the same time. I have two different nausea medications - one pill, one patch, pain meds, anti-inflammatory, baby aspirin and stool softeners. In comparison to my last two surgeries (shoulder and BR), this one is totally kicking my ass. I feel completely helpless. And the pain and discomfort is unbelievable. Right now I am in the emotional phase of 'I'll never walk again...'. Supposedly you really can heal from this surgery, but right now it just seems impossible.

The day of surgery was terrible. Mom took me down, but when it was over and we were in the recovery room, the nurse was getting short with me for not rousing fast enough (I suppose they needed the bed..) and was also irritated with mom because mom was feeling lightheaded and dizzy, and she was my ride home. Soon mom was sitting on the floor, bracing her head on a chair and looking greenish white, and so the nurse got very snippy and barked orders to other nurses to take mom's blood pressure and call my husband. Dean had to leave a movie with the three little kids - they had just sat down with their popcorn mere minutes before, and drive the 45 minute drive to come get me. They released me to Dean, who drove my mom's car with me in the back seat, and my mom - who had recovered for the most part from this strange episode, drove the kids home. Strange trade-off. You let the grandma who is faint, drive three small children... I puked twice on the way home, but luckily they sent me with sick bags. They had given me a round of Fentanyl in the recovery room for pain (I was completely unaware), which makes me really, really sick. I had it when I delivered Rylan - my only drugged delivery, and it was *horrible*.

 

The ride home was awful since it was my husband driving. That man has a knack for hitting each and every bump on the road he can find. He did it during each and every one of my pregnancies, too. I got sick again, and then it was a long, horrible haul, scooting backwards on my behind up the stairs and into the bedroom. I haven't left yet. I am afraid to.

 

Here was my knee yesterday morning. I had to change my dressing. I wear a long compression sock to hold the dressings in place, otherwise. My skin is numb to the right of the main incision. It will most likely remain numb. The swelling is pretty bad right now, and I switch out the ice packs every three hours.

 

That's about it. I *get* to wrap myself up in plastic wrap and take a shower today. I've washed my hair in the bathroom sink the past couple of days, but I am feeling pretty gross at this point. I get to load into the car to go to my post-surgery appointment tomorrow afternoon. I'm not sure how I am going to do that yet.

 

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July

The calendar keeps churning away and July is almost gone!

Nine
Happy Anniversary today to my sweet husband. Nine years of crazy and fun. Emphasis on the crazy. Tonight we go out to celebrate by stuffing ourselves with various food items covered in cheese and chocolate. Just not at the same time. That would be gross.

1. We still can't agree on how to properly fold a towel.
2. He forgets to put tools away.
3. I forget the laundry.
4. He brings me Starbucks.
5. I make his coffee in the morning.
6. He uses too much cleaning spray.
7. I use too much pepper.
8. He makes the regular thoughtful gesture.
9. I dream up a never-ending stream of projects that require tools and his time.
Love ya' Honey!

Girl Scout Day Camp
Last week Rylan attended her week-long Girl Scout Day Camp. Luckily it was nice and cool most of the week - totally out of character for July - but along with that came thundershowers every afternoon, which made me a nervous wreck. With minimal help from me, Rylan got herself packed up every morning and made her own lunch and snack. At camp she fished, canoed, shot some arrows, scaled a climbing wall, sang songs, made some swaps and did a lot of crafts. I have to say something about all the craft-in-a-bag kits and especially the 'plastic cup basket weaving' project. Here is the offending object:

Sigh. A plastic cup? Really? Cue the creak of the rocking chair: "When I went to camp..." we wove actual baskets. With real grass. We spent a couple of hours working on our baskets, not the hurried pace of a new activity every 35 minutes. Camp Amakulo, I miss you. We also finger-wove yarn baskets. I kept mine for several years, but I don't know what happened to it. Rylan started her cup/yarn project at camp, and then had to stuff it into her backpack to take home and finish later. So as soon as she arrived home, she settled herself on the couch, and in quiet content, she spent the next hour 'weaving'. She remarked that it was so much easier to concentrate when there weren't sixty other girls yakking away. I agree.

Christmas in July
Just this past Saturday, Rylan attended her first dance audition. Her dance studio was holding try-outs for different parts in the Nutcracker, as rehearsals start next month. Rylan wore a number pinned to her leotard, and joined a few other girls in her age group (6-8 yr olds) for their audition. She could be placed in any number of parts - a dancing present in the party scene, or a tumbling candy cane or gingerbread. I think her tumbling experience in last years' class will help. She has a part for sure, as her dance class this year will be performing as butterflies in the Waltz of the Flowers scene. Performing in the Nutcracker isn't mandatory, but practicing the dance (different parts dictated by class level) is a part of regular dance class leading up to the performance. Dean and I will dance in the party scene again this year, but it just dawned on me that I will only have about 4 months of rehab from my surgery before it is time. I hope the healing goes well! And that I can fit into my dress. No exercise and emotional eating in the past couple of months has really put me back to almost where I started from!

The Big Squeeze
I had my mammogram and annual a couple of days ago. I have been dreading this mammogram ever since my BR surgery 9 months ago. I am not completely healed yet. My scars are tender, my breasts are tender... just imagining them being squeezed by the scanning machine has made me cringe every single day leading up to this. I'm not going to lie - it hurt. That is still no excuse not to get a mammogram, so if you haven't yet - DO IT. The tech did a total of four scans. The first one was the worst. When they place your breast on the plate, they then fine tune the position of the plate by moving it up and away from you to stretch things just a bit more. Since it is your bare skin sitting on this plate thingy, it sort of sticks there, and is pulled along as the plate moves around, and this is where most of the God-awful pain comes from - it was even that way before surgery, but this time around it pulled right along where my incision line is, and that. hurt. So after that first scan, when I could barely squeak out an "I'm OK" (which I clearly wasn't, but wanted to get the damn thing over with), she took out a large adhesive pad (picture a giant-sized mouse pad) and laid it on top of that plate thingy. What. a. difference. She told me not to tell anyone about it, since the pads cost $5 apiece. WTF!? If there is a way to make a mammogram less painful for women, I will shout it from the roof tops to all who will hear. Ask for the pad! Your skin won't stick and it adds just enough cushion during the squeeze portion of the scan that it makes it bearable. This year there was less squeezing actually than in times past. Less dense breast tissue to work through, I guess. They used to have to flatten each breast out like a dinner plate. Embarrassing AND painful! It was interesting to compare the scan from last year to this year. My breasts are totally different in the inside, and there is visible scar tissue now. This scan will now be my new baseline. I am very, very happy about my BR, and I don't regret it a second. The recovery time is much longer than I ever thought, and it really did do a number on my entire system (pain, numbness, lethargy and so forth) but it was sooo worth it.

ACL Reconstruction
I saw my orthopedic surgeon last week so that he could confirm that I am ready for my surgery next week. I have decided to go the autograft route, where I donate a portion of my own patellar tendon to the cause. I am feeling pretty good at this point. I can go without my brace and walk mostly w/o a limp, I can walk more than a mile at a time now, I can do stairs, squats and ride my bike. I even got down on both knees to dig through a bin last night. This all sounds good, but it is all done with a degree of instability that I can 'feel' in my joint. I always feel like my knee will give way at any moment. Occasionally my knee does pop backward or to the medial side, and Holy Hannah does that hurt. I also 'hear' and 'feel' the sound of the 'pop' as it happened at the time of injury, as my mind replays it for me in an endless loop at inappropriate times - like when I am trying to go to sleep or reading a book. Evil.

This will make for 3 surgeries in 14 months. I was most worked up about the BR surgery of course, because it would change my appearance and it meant major scarring and chances of infection. My shoulder surgery would grant almost instant pain relief - and it did. :) My knee though.. this is the surgery I am dreading. Knee pain stays with you. Every shift of your body, no matter how subtle, hurts. Maybe not so much now, but it was that way for that first month after injury, and I imagine it will be that way again after surgery. I am dreading that pain again, and I am dreading my impending loss of mobility. I can't keep up with the kids, the house, the everything...

IKEA
I dragged my husband to IKEA last weekend. We went with the intent of getting some tables and chairs to use in our schoolroom. I had the hair-brained idea that even though I am just days away from major surgery, this is the perfect time to completely gut a room, repaint, redo the lighting and do some decorating. I blame it on the 'nesting' instinct - similar to what you do right before baby. The painting was done last weekend, and we purchased two tables, 8 table legs, 4 swivel chairs, a new lighting system and some other odds and ends. Everything has been put together and in place, and it works beautifully for us. I just have to wrap up painting an old bookshelf and the art work, and then I will show and tell!

The Alphabet
I am in the finishing stages of a huge art project that I have wanted to create for several years. You will see when it is all done. For now - I present the letter "W".

The roof over our heads
We've picked the shingle color, we've obtained permission from the HOA, we've cashed the insurance check and made the down-payment with the roofing contractor. Now I am just waiting for the call from the contractor with the date when the roofers will arrive and complete the job. The call was supposed to come this week, and it is already Thursday. He's got 'til noon, then I am calling him. Don't mess with an overly-stressed lady who is frantically trying to get her ducks in a row! And we still need to talk to the windows guy, the painter guy....

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Favoritism, Hail, Surgery and Flowers

 Favoritism

As per custom over the years, when Jordan arrives home from a stay with his mom in OK, he will eventually share some annoying and typically hurtful comment that his mom made in his presence - usually directed at either 'us' or 'me'.  This time it was about our switching to Calvert this coming school year.  We have enrolled in Colorado Calvert Academy, an online, virtual public school.  Calvert, for me, is all about the curriculum.  I have studied all of the grade levels (K-8) with a teacher's eye, lining up the scope and sequence with Colorado State Standards, and it makes me wish August were here already so we could start - that is how excited I am about it!  Calvert is not shy about letting parents know what the expectations are in the role they must play in this.  I am to expect that Jordan will have 5-6 hours of work per school day to slog through (count that as 7-8 for the distracted ADHD child), and I will need to be at his elbow for a significant part of it.  And not just Jordan, either.  There will also be Rylan and Owen to attend to.  Aaaaand to keep Colin from destroying the house in the process.  This also does not count the extras I fit in, like Nature Study, Lego League, chess club, swimming....   In Jordan's mom's eyes, this switch is because I have become lazy about homeschooling Jordan, and I want someone else to do it for me so I can spend more time with the other kids.  So I guess all of the children are getting the 'lazy treatment', because I don't show favoritism.  I. do. not. show. favoritism.  If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would in fact think quite the opposite.  My time and attention is predominantly spent with Jordan, because he is the oldest.  When you spent your entire day, day after day, surrounded by little kids, you crave any type of adult conversation you can find.  Poor Jordan has been my guinea pig.  As soon as he could sustain a conversation, we were talking.  We talk about everything under the sun - history, science, math, literature, religion, technology, child rearing, gardening.... and I think he enjoys it as much as I do, because he will recall many a conversation with me (several of which were prompted by the Core Knowledge reading for the day) and relate back to it in some way.

His mother's comments are serious button pushers for me.  I understand where they are coming from - she is no longer the principal parent, she feels threatened, she probably has a lot of anger and resentment, and I seem like the easy target.  That doesn't mean that these comments don't bother me.  They bother me a great deal.  The comments hurt my feelings and question my integrity.  Parenting a child should be a partnership, not a game of one-up-manship.  A child is a human being with feelings - not a piece of property.


Hail

We had a wicked hail storm late Tuesday night.  It went on for a very long time, and the average size was somewhere between a quarter and a golf ball.  Dean and I traveled from window to window, getting more and more excited as the hailstones grew in size.  This was the big one we have been hoping for!  The next morning revealed that the roof had taken its last stand (yay!), the window screens were shredded (yay!), the shutters on the front windows were cracked and even broken in places (meh), there are pits and dents in the garage door and trim (yay!), there are dents in the hood of the minivan (meh), the passenger side mirror is cracked (meh), and there are pits all over the fence.  We are still waiting for adjusters to look at house and car (State Farm - I am NOT impressed...), but we did have a roofer come out on Wednesday to have a look and I am pretty excited about the findings... ;)  Can't say much more than that at this point, but the house will be getting a makeover very, very soon.

Surgery

Yesterday I met with the surgeon I had picked out to do my knee surgery.  He has done the knees and shoulders of three of my relatives and several of Dean's coworkers, and they all sang very high praises.  He concurred that surgery needs to be done if I want to return to my favorite physical activities.  I guess there are people out there who elect not to do this because they don't want to go through the rehab.  An ACL replacement is not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it makes me sweat with fear thinking about it.  It is tough-going in the rehab department.  Like - really tough.  I am 42, and my age is affecting my prognosis.  I have elected to go with an autograft of my patellar tendon to replace the ACL.  This is the more difficult one to rehab - it will take longer and will be more painful.  It may mean that I can't ever quite get down on my knees again.  (thank goodness I don't have babies anymore, and don't expect my floors to look clean ever again).  I am choosing an autograft over an allograft (donation from a cadaver) because the thought of tissue rejection and infection scares me.  Plus, and I know this is weird, but the thought of someone elses' tissue in my body gives me the heebie-jeebies.  I know I would feel quite differently if the case were that I needed a new liver or something and couldn't live without a transplant, but in this case I just feel weird about it.  BUT - the fact that I am 42 means that being my own donor brings about other concerns.  My tendons are older, may not be as robust (too bad tendons aren't fatty tissue!  No problem there...), and may not give the best results. I've studied the outcomes and the percentages are not in my favor.  This is where I get scared.  What if I go through all of this and find out that my knee will still never be stable enough for skiing, hiking or running?  This instantly brings tears to my eyes.  I would be crushed.  Damn...

The surgery has tentatively been scheduled for July 31st.  I am to work very hard on my PT for the next three weeks to see if I can really improve my range of motion and strength.  He'll reassess at that time and decide whether or not that surgery date will work.  If I am not where I should be recovery-wise, the surgery will have to be pushed back.  Talk about pressure!  If the surgery gets pushed back, life will get seriously difficult - beyond difficult - if I can't drive by September.  I already have the mindset that we are taking off the month of August from absolutely everything, so that rehab is the only focus.  Then after August, I have 2-3 months of PT, twice to three times a week to look forward too.  Damn. Damn. Damn.  It will be difficult enough to launch a whole new curriculum and homeschooling rhythm, without throwing constant therapy appointments into the mix.  AAAGGHHH!  I hate stress.  :(

Flowers

As frustrating as this week was - although the hail was actually a good thing in our eyes - it was an act of kindness that helped sooth out the worries.  After I had arrived home with my appointment with the surgeon, the kids and I grabbed our rakes and cleaned up the mess left behind from the storm.  I had left it as-is in the hopes that an insurance adjuster would be along shortly to look at all the damage, but by Friday morning it was looking trashy, so I decided it was time to clean up.  As we were doing so, a van from a local greenhouse pulled up in front of our house.  At first I thought they were asking for directions.  Then I thought that maybe they were jumping out to help (lol...).  Nope - a guy and a girl hopped out and announced that they had been instructed to drive around and give away hanging flower baskets to any takers they could find, since the greenhouse had too many.  I was dumbfounded and so, so touched.  I think this was the owner's way of reaching out to those who had storm damage and give a little bit of happiness.  I called the company right away to express my heartfelt thanks.  I've got to remember in these tough and scary weeks ahead that I need to look for the good, and be thankful for what I do have.

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Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... A slightly overcast, cool morning. Lovely!

I am thinking... About the dual weddings in our family yesterday. I attended my cousin's wedding with the three little kids yesterday afternoon. It was held at a country farm that has a wedding venue. The kids played on tractors, went on a hayride and played in a huge fort with their cousins and second cousins. A very nice afternoon/evening. Meanwhile, Dean drove to OKC on Friday, and attended his niece's wedding yesterday as well. It was also a country-themed wedding! Jordan was brought by his mom to the wedding, and both Dean and Jordan will be making the drive home on Monday. It was nice to spend some time visiting with family, and I even got up and danced the Hokey Pokey - which was the perfect song for my present condition. I've settled on a surgeon for ACL replacement, and lo and behold - come to find out he has also operated on my aunt, uncle and grandmother..multiple times!

I am thankful... That Shannon and Jamie, and Christie and Marcus each found the partner they were looking for. I am also thankful for my three nephews, who kept constant tabs on my kids and kept them out of trouble yesterday (with one minor exception when Colin almost made it up and over the fence into the goat pen before my brother spotted the little stinker...)

From the Learning Rooms... We are doing just a little bit here and there everyday since we are on summer schedule. I attended a parent orientation meeting for incoming Calvert parents last week. I met the principal and she seems like a very astute educator - I like her immensely. We looked at the online portal for parents, and the other one for students, and then at all of the extra features - like access to Discovery Education and Brain Pop (wahoo!). I submitted the placement tests for Jordan, Rylan and Owen last month, so I expect to hear any day now what level they will work at for math and reading. I can't wait to start - sometime in mid to late August.

In the kitchen... Well, we are getting by on frozen Eggo waffles and oatmeal packets this morning, so I would say the situation is pretty dire. We need to go grocery shopping badly - and that is my least favorite activity at the present moment. :(

I am wearing... pjs and a knee brace.

I am creating... A dress for Rylan! I saw a pattern for a pillowcase dress and I had to try it. It is downright shameful that I have sewed nothing for my kids save for a couple of Halloween costumes. Almost criminal...

I am going... shopping of course - but only because I have to. Otherwise I want to partake in a full day of going absolutely nowhere.

I am wondering... If the baby turtles will like frozen bloodworms. We're about to find out.

I am reading... The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. (thanks Michelle!). The perfect book for a person who is feeling stuck. Now - sound the trumpets - I finally finished Drums of Autumn, by Diana Gabaldon. The first 1/3 of the book was a real slog for me (obviously because it took me several months), but once I got past that, I was putting in a few hours every day since it was so hard to put down. Loved it. I am afraid to pick up the next one in the Outlander series just yet, I want to whittle away at the pile of books that is on my bedside table. I read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, by Jamie Ford last week and I really liked it. It was a rough transition to go from 1770's North Carolina to 1940's Chinatown in Seattle and Japanese internment camp, but that actually helped pull me away from Jamie and Claire. I loved the story and the way the author bounced back and forth from past to present. It's horrible what both the Chinese and Japanese Americans went through, yet several families just met it with quiet acceptance because of the realities of being a nation at war. The descriptions of the occasion when the Japanese families were rounded up and put on trains sounded so alarmingly like the Jewish experience in Poland and Germany...so wrong in so many ways. The book presented the story without judgement of the actions of the United States Government -yet you could read past that and still get a real sense of the injustice of it all.

In the garden... Several tomato plants that need to go into the ground to-day!

I am hoping... this coolish weather holds for the entire day

I am looking forward to... tomorrow night when Dean and Jordan get home and to the week we have Jordan with us before they traipse off to summer camp.

I am learning... I wish I could say I'm learning to take it easy - but I'm not.

I am hearing... Shawn the Sheep Season 4, the kids making 'sandwiches' out of each other with the couch cushions, and the panicked announcement that there is a wasp on the living room window. 'Scuse me a sec...

Around the house... a recently-deceased wasp, a fruitless search for Rylan's pink swim goggles, and a dog water dish that just got dumped over. (great - clean floors, check!)

I am pondering... how much time I want to devote to sewing today (yay!) vs. bills and balancing accounts. (boo!)

One of my favorite things... a wedding... :)

A few plans for the rest of the week... Jordan has an orthodontist appointment this week. We are now 18 months over the original treatment time estimate, and I have yet to meet his orthodontist. I'm raisin' a little hell this week, I think. I see the physical therapist this week, and I will be making the appointment to see the surgeon. Colin and Owen will be starting their second session of swimming lessons this week. Rylan was signed up, but there are not enough kids to make the class a 'go'. We're both pretty bummed. She just got bumped up to Level 5, and was really excited. I think we may do a few private lessons in the meantime - I hate for the good momentum to stop. Owen's lessons went great last week - he has moved up to Level 3. Colin refused to get in the pool twice last week - once because we were seeing a summer movie afterwards, and he was afraid he would miss it if he did his lesson, and the other because I brought the 'wrong' swimsuit. %*#^%*&!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

The cat has taken a recent interest in the comfy dog bed, and Abby isn't quite sure what to do about it...

To read more entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

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Bouncing back...

One of the kids' favorite TV shows is America's Funniest Videos.  It was my favorite when I was growing up as well.  I've noticed that a certain (disturbing) video seems to get a lot of air time, and never grows old.  It's the video of a well-endowed woman trotting on a horse, with her boobs flopping up and down from chin to belly button.  The video clip makes me cringe, every time.  I am embarrassed for her - how awful that a less-than-flattering image of her becomes a regular video clip for all of America to laugh at on a weekly basis.  I hurt physically for her - I've been there, and it is painful.  I am disgusted at who we all are as a people, that we still engage in the monstrous behavior of poking fun at the physical attributes of certain people.

I hate the 'bounce'.  For YEARS I have refused to do stuff that would cause it - running, jumping, dancing...it would just draw sideways glances from some, to outright rude stares from others.  Jumping was the worst.  I loved jump rope games at recess as a kid, but as the years passed and the chance came around again for me to jump - as a teacher on recess duty, I always told the girls 'no' - I'll turn the rope, but no jumping for me.  I eventually gave in and did it once.  My resolve broke down - they were having so much fun and begging me to jump too, so I couldn't resist.  One year after having Rylan, there I was, jumping rope.  One, two....three jumps and my bra strap snapped.  I'm not kidding.  I dashed to the classroom and had five minutes to fashion a fix with duct tape before the whistle sounded.  Fast forward six years to when my daughter just turned seven.  She received a beautiful new jump rope from a friend for her birthday, and really wanted to jump.  So we went to a park one afternoon and Dean and I turned the rope for her.  I jumped a little, just to give her some pointers, and Dean politely said that my shirt was flying up and things were falling out.  So that was the end of that.  In the back of my mind that day, I already had the big upcoming BR surgery to focus on...I knew change was coming, and that in a years' time, I would jump the hell out of that rope and not feel a hint of bounce - and no x-rated peep show to boot.

So three weeks ago, when I found my opportunity to jump, I felt absolutely elated.  I wore my iron-clad sports bra that had proved itself on many a run post BR surgery, and I was ready.  I jumped.  I jumped in front of people.  I don't know how to express just how huge that is for me, but I am trying.  For years I have tried to shield myself from others, but on that day - I was in front of people.  I jumped and I jumped and I jumped.  Inside, my heart was absolutely singing.  I was trampling all sorts of personal demons as I jumped up and down, left and right.

And then I slipped and fell.

I went from the highest high to the lowest low in seconds.  My little shovel can't dig deep enough or fast enough into my personal pit of despair.

How fucking unfair!

HOW FUCKING UNFAIR!

Years and years of pain and physical set-backs that made exercise off-limits.  Three pregnancies, plantar fasciitis, bursitis in my hips, shoulder surgery, breast reduction... lots and lots of chiropractic visits and physical therapy....and now THIS??  NO!  I was poised for the most awesome and active summer ever, and now I have a torn ACL, torn MCL, sprains, bruising and swelling... the laundry list from the MRI is so ridiculous it is laughable.  I have many months ahead of me with my knee in a brace, surgery, therapy...blah fucking blah, blah, blah.  I hate to bitch but it's the Murphy's Law(ness) of it all.  It just plain sucks.

Yeah...I have not been in a good place these past few weeks.  I felt it best to detach myself and let the emotional freight train run its course.  I'm a mess, inside and out.  The only thing to do is get back in the saddle and start over.  Again.

So in trying to find something to smile about in all of this, I thought that my downshift into a snail's pace means that I will have time to smell the roses.  All of them.  Twice over.

Elasticity

On Wednesday we had our homeschool PE class.  One mom was teaching cooperative games, and at the end I led everybody outside and we finished up with a quick 'how-to' on the game 'elastics'.  Here in the states it is known as 'Chinese Jumprope'.  I learned the game as 'elastics', when I was 10 years old, living in Canberra, Australia and attending primary school there.  I still have my original elastic band that I brought home with me at the end of that year, although it isn't as stretchy anymore.  Kinda like me.

Elastics is a fun, yet challenging game.  You make up a routine with your friends, and you have to follow it without messing up.  Messing up can include snagging the elastic band, stepping on it (or not stepping on it), skipping a step and so on...  If you make it through the entire routine, the band is moved up the leg to a higher position, and then you do it again, and again, until you mess up or can't jump that high.

As a ten year-old, I could make it up to about hip-height.  I remember the playground, my friends (who were a very eclectic, international mix, given the close proximity of our primary school to the University), the sounds, the smells... this was by far my happiest memories of Australia from that time.  I do remember one of the girls from the group - Josephine (she pronounced it yaw-seh-feen), who was Belgian and always right.  She would argue and argue if you called her out during her turn.  She annoyed me...so no happy memories of her, at that rate.

Anyway, so I led the kids outside to the grassy field because I figured it was a softer landing if anyone tripped and fell, and for me, it was easier on the joints to jump on the grass versus the gym floor.  I launched into my explanation of the game, even going so far as to say you can jump with shoes on, but I prefer barefoot because you're less likely to snag the elastic on your shoe and get called out.  So I called Jordan and another boy over and had them stretch the elastic between them, at ankle height, and demonstrated a routine.  It was the routine that I played in Australia, revised in the parts where my memory gets fuzzy.

So, begin by standing with both feet to the left side of the bands, with the bands at ankle height.

00 |  |

0|0   |   Hop and straddle the left side

|   0|0   Hop and straddle the right side

| 00 |    Hop to the center (both feet)

0 | | 0   Hop and move both feet to the outside so that you straddle both bands

0\\0    Twist the bands between your ankles as you make a quarter-turn to the left

00 | |   Hop out to the left side of the bands, back to where you started from.

3| |    Turn a quarter-turn to the right to face the left band, nudge your toes underneath it

\

|3|   Hop over the right band, carrying the left band over it with the top of your feet

/

/\   

00    Turn a quarter-turn back to the left, and you are now standing in a diamond shape.

\/

0 | | 0  In one hop, you jump high and turn a 180 to face the opposite direction in mid-air, and come down straddling both bands.

.....and that's where I fell.  I hit the ground in a wide straddle, but my bare feet on damp grass meant that my right foot slipped back and to the side, but knee stayed put.  An audible 'POP!' sound was plainly heard by everybody, and I dropped down onto my backside.

It's embarrassing to fall in front of people, but our group is a different breed.  Within two minutes, one mom was pulling out some arnica gel (which I totally believe kept the swelling to a minimum), one ran to get a bag of ice, and another was comforting me.  She herself had badly sprained her ankle a few weeks ago.  I dragged myself backwards so that I could sit in the shade and then wondered what to do.  Could I drive?  How the hell am I going to get to the car?  No way would I allow anyone to carry me.  Providence meant that an older girl attending PE that day was on crutches herself, after cutting the bottom of her foot only a few days before.  Her mom said that I could use the crutches - they had more at home.  Wow.

We watched the kids jump for awhile, and then I was at my pain limit, I needed to get them home and get myself to Urgent Care.  The rest of the day was long, painful and tedious.  I had a long drive to an adjacent town to pick up my new CPAP machine.  Urgent Care took almost two hours.  The doctor did unspeakably painful things to my knee, slapped a brace on it and sent me home.  He told me to make an appointment with a orthopedist.  I had to drive back and forth to Loveland, twice, to get Rylan to dance pictures.  All the while I tried not to throw up, which I desperately wanted to do.

Three days later I am able to hobble around without the crutches, but driving is excruciating.  I see the ortho guy on Monday.  I suspect a torn MCL.  I can stand to put a little weight on my foot now, but the knee is constantly slipping sideways out of joint, causing involuntary gasps and yells due to pain.  I don't think that is normal.  I get to look forward to a summer of rehab.  Again.  This is how I spent last summer - rehabbing my shoulder. This summer was supposed to be lots of walking, running, and hiking.  Several 5K's were on my to-do list - including one today.  I am pretty bummed, but trying to keep it in perspective.  At least the injury is something I can recover from.  It is so small-potatoes compared to what many people in conflict areas are dealing with on a daily basis.  I guess with rehab I once again get to focus on me.  Getting around for a couple days on crutches just reinforced for me that my upperbody strength is pretty much nonexistent.  

Funny thing about the examination room...we were in this same exact spot with Colin almost two months ago, when he broke his leg. 

The night I didn't exactly sleep like a baby..

CPAP mask I used last night

Last night was the night I packed up a small bag, went to the sleep clinic and spent the night while being monitored using a CPAP.  To sum it up..a CPAP is definitely in my near-future, and forever in my happily ever after.

I had been looking forward to this night away, for all the obvious reasons - no small children milling about or a cat sleeping stretched out across my neck, clawing me if I moved even a fraction on an inch and disturbed her.  

I did get that night away, tucked away in a silent dark room...all to myself.  I got to watch a little TV before falling asleep and read a couple more pages in my novel.  I also got to do it while hooked up to a monitoring system, along with a video and auditory monitor.  Let's just hope I didn't do anything embarrassing in my sleep.

I did not sleep well.  My head is still congested, so it was hard to breathe through the nasal tube that blows a steady stream of air into my nose.  I often felt like I was struggling for air in the early part of the night.  The technician said that he steadily increased the pressure throughout the night.  I struggle to breathe with a 4, and an 8-9 is just right.  I felt like I was breathing through SCUBA all night.  My throat hurts a bit and feels raw.  It took me forever to get comfortable, but once I did, I did sleep hard and dreamed quite a bit.  That almost never happens.  

We looked at my readouts this morning, after the test was over, and all concerns were eliminated when I used the CPAP.  No snoring, no dips in my oxygen levels, my REM cycles were good and my pulse remained constant, and no gaps in my breathing.  Yep.. a CPAP will make my life a whole lot better.  I know I will get used to the machine, and it was pretty quiet to begin with, which is a very good thing.  Time to clear some space on my bedside table!

The week where we cancelled just about everything...

We got sick last week.  All of us.  We dropped like flies, one by one.  Rylan started it, on Mother's Day.  The following day was her birthday.  Instead of celebrating with a family dinner and blowing out 8 candles on her birthday cake, we cancelled everything and she fell asleep in my lap, feverish and miserable.  Colin and Owen followed suit the next day - after I dragged everybody but the fever girl to the dentist.  Do you know how hard it is to reschedule four simultaneous dental appointments?  I'm sure the dental hygienists loved me.  We skipped Park Day.  We missed tumbling.  And the saddest of all, we stayed home instead of driving to Boulder and watching my nephew - the first of the great grandkid generation - cross the stage and accept his high school diploma.  My mom took several short bits of video and so we got to see things as they happened, which was nice.

Rylan on her birthday afternoon.  She isn't feeling too hot..  :(

Jordan was next.  Jordan is leaving for a scuba diving trip in just two short weeks - the last thing he needed was a head cold, considering he had burst his eardrum on Christmas Eve during the last cold, but germs don't seem to care about plans like that.  Rylan finally ate a single bite of birthday cake on Wednesday night.  She had skipped scouts that day - more due to her brothers than to her, but she did go to her ballet class late that afternoon.

Dean came down with it and stayed home from work on Thursday and Friday, running the occasional temp.  We skipped a morning of play and work time we had planned to spend with the other girl scout leader and her three girls, and rested the rest of the day.  Friday seemed to be a good day for the kids, so we left Dean at home to fend for his sick self, and we took off for Colorado Springs to take part in a field trip to the Air Force Academy for Jordan.  Even though we don't officially start up with Colorado Calvert Academy until the fall semester begins, Jordan was invited to go on this field trip with other Calvert eighth graders for a tour of the campus.  I'm glad everyone was feeling good enough that we could go.  I gave a Jordan a don't-you-dare-cough-on-anyone lecture and we left him with a fellow homeschool friend and her mom (they are the ones that introduced us to Calvert) and wandered around the area for a couple of hours to kill time.  I took the kids by a B-52 that is on permanent display, and then that was about all there was to see on the Academy grounds, so we drove to the east, into the Black Forest, an area that was devastated by wild fire not quite even a year ago yet.  It was certainly a sight to see.  I was curious to see if La Foret, the UCC church camp that I attended in my youth was still standing, and to my relief it was.  The kids and I drove onto the grounds, and circled just a bit.  It looked very familiar, and I wish I could have wandered around on foot, but I didn't feel comfortable asking.  We drove back down the road to a parking lot we had seen for a recreation area, and got out to walk a trail through the blackened forest for a bit.  I'm glad no one else was around because I'm sure it would have been a sad scene to listen to three kids hack and cough and wheeze as they ran back and forth along the trail.

We went back to pick up Jordan and then made a bee-line back up the interstate to none other than IKEA!  I just about peed my pants when we passed it on the way down.  It has been open for what...three years now?  And I haven't been there yet.  So I WENT.  :)  The place is huge, confusing, and I have a few unkind things to say to the men (obviously) who designed the layout, even though I know the effed-up plan is all in an effort to control 'flow'... but if you are someone like me, who leaves her wallet in the car and only figures that out while trying to pay for food in the cafeteria, it is damned near impossible to make a dash for the parking garage in any kind of quick manner.  I am proud to say that we spent a whopping $17.  We came home with a new wastebasket for the office, and plastic snack cups, bowls and plates.  My husband got off very easy.  This time...

Saturday morning I woke up and well...wanted to die.  It may have been a cold for the rest of the family, but for me late Friday evening into Saturday morning felt like the flu.  Everything hurt.  I could even feel my insides hurting.  I don't think that another single ounce of snot could have been packed into my sinuses.   Despite feeling like curling into the fetal position, Dean and I dressed up, traveled across town and spent a scant 15 minutes congratulating a young man (who will forever be a sweet little toddler in my mind's-eye), on his high school graduation.  Austen was a wee 5 months when I first started nannying for him and his older sisters, and the next seven years I spent with them were very happy ones - gosh I love their family.  They were kind enough to host our wedding in their gorgeous backyard almost nine years ago, and so it was nice to be at their home again, for one last time.  They are empty-nesters come this fall, so they are putting their home on the market this summer.  I remember when it was built.  I dragged the Austen and his sisters over there when they were pouring the concrete and each of them placed their hand prints on the front sidewalk.

The garden area where we got married nine years ago

Straight from the party, with enough Sudafed in my system to trigger alarm bells at a Walgreens, Dean dropped me off to see a movie with friends.  I hope they forgive me for showing up sick.  Even though I felt like absolute crap, after a week of sick kids and all the *super fun* we were having, I really needed to get out.  I loved the movie - as you may have read - and I think I need to see it again, because I was kind of in a drugged-out haze at the time.

Dean picked me afterwards, with all the kids in tow, and we -as promised to our birthday girl - set out to start our quest to build a turtle enclosure that will sit on top of our present fish tank.  All week, between episodes of dealing with sneezy, wheezy and snotty kids, we had been doing research on how to go about this.  It has been a crash-course in all things turtle - habitat, keeping, species...blah, blah, blah.  Rylan has settled on a Southern Painted turtle, which is one that swims and basks - hence the need for a basking area above the water.  I'll go into more detail in another post.  What it meant on this day was three hours of going from store to store to store gathering the different items we needed.  Turtles are a real pain in the ass, if you ask me.  I wish she had asked for a kitten.

On Sunday we went to my nephew's graduation party.  He had his ceremony on Tuesday, and now it was time to party.  We all went, I greeted people with a safety sick perimeter around me and we didn't stay too long.  It was nice to see some of my SIL's family that came and family friends, I wish I had felt better.

And that was our week.  It was a week I had been looking forward to - a birthday and two graduations, and to miss some of it was very frustrating.  There is also that strange freedom you feel though, as you cancel things right and left... that you get to stay home and do nothing because nobody feels like doing anything anyway... and suddenly you feel a lot more relaxed and at peace.  Note to self though - I need to have a batch of chicken noodle soup, frozen and ready to go for the next time.


 

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... A nice mild morning, with a few clouds here and there. The sunlight is illuminating the bright green leaflets of the ash tree in the front yard - it just started leafing out a couple of days ago. Birds are twittering all around the neighborhood, and the occasional puff of a breeze is carrying a multitude of different floral scents: honeysuckle, crabapple, currant, red cherry and Daphne. It's heady stuff, but makes a walk through the neighborhood a real joy right now. I love the jasminey smell of Snow Crabapples. A man just walked by with his dog, talking loudly on his headset thingy, and the neighbor just fired up the engine and is heading to work. I have no idea what he does -it is an ongoing mystery. We just see a different brand new car in their driveway every few weeks, it seems. Maybe he is a car salesman...we just don't see dealer tags on the cars. weird. Let's sniff the jasmine again....ahhhhh.

I am thinking... about the wonderful dance show that Rylan and I went to last night. The dance academy where she takes lessons has an audition-only performance dance team, in addition to the wide variety of classes they offer. They have groups that perform hip-hop, jazz, contemporary, tap and dance theatre. Last night they put on a show that showcased all of the dance performances that they have used in competition during this past season. There are 86 dancers in this group, ages 4-18, and there were 43 (!) different dance performances for the show. The show moved at a steady pace, with no announcing, just dance after dance, and we saw some really amazing stuff. The most moving (for me anyway) was the solo dance that a 10 (?) yr old girl (she played one of my 'daughters' during the party scene in the Nutcracker), performed. It was a contemporary piece, and she really nailed it. I think I like contemporary best because it is just so open to interpretation, and a dancer can really pour their soul into it. How a child, so young, can be so gifted in that regard is just beyond me - but I enjoyed it immensely. Rylan had three friends from her jazz and tumbling classes that performed in a jazz piece (which was the real reason we were attending) and she looked wistful. I felt a little bad because I was wondering if she felt like she was on the outside of an exclusive club she didn't even know existed until a few weeks ago. We talked about it on the way home. I told her that being on this team meant that number one, you had to audition to get in, and number two, it meant a lot more practice and numerous performances. She considered it, and then decided that didn't really sound like fun. She loves dance, but the passion is just not there. That's okay. She has her whole lifetime to discover what her passion really is.

I am thankful... That Rylan doesn't have that kind of competitive streak in her when it comes to dance. Those types of girls drive me crazy. Their mothers even more so. The audience behaved pretty respectably,with families only whooping and hollering for their kid after each performance....except for one mom. Her daughter - age 6, maybe - got set on the stage for her solo (there were only 10 solos), and seconds before the music started, her mom, camera video rolling, yelled out - "You got this, baby!!". uugh.

I am also thankful that Colin is recovering well from his broken leg, now that the cast is off. He is still walking around on his tip-toes on that leg and favoring it quite a bit. We are working with him to stretch his leg every night. He is back to riding his little blue Strider bike instead of his pedal bike, but I can only imagine how uncomfortable that might feel to pedal a bike right now..ouch. He got on a trampoline yesterday at a party a Rylan's violin teacher's house, and he bounced for a little bit but greatly favored his leg. He got off with a grimace - it must have hurt.

From the Learning Rooms... We are just steadily plodding along here. Jordan went to a friend's house last week to listen in on a Calvert Academy online class session. He will have 2-3 weekly sessions himself next year, when we start with Calvert in the fall. He got a nice feel for it and said that he liked it. We have a field trip with the Calvert group in a couple more weeks when Jordan gets to go on a tour of the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs. I look forward to meeting some of the families.

In the kitchen... This morning it will be yummy blueberry pancakes. Only one kid is up right now. Dean and Jordan are up at Spring Camporee, so they won't be home for a few more hours.

I am wearing... comfy clothes - t-shirt and yoga pants!

I am creating... I am making a discussion list for Dean and I to use late this afternoon when we go out for coffee. I have some pretty good ideas from a book I am reading (see below) to help him sort out some priorities for him in regards to his scoutmaster role in Jordan's boy scout troop. He is struggling with intense overload lately, and he completely stressed out. Parent emails are driving him absolutely insane, and he spends an average of 1-2 hours every work day (when he should be working ?!?) trying to put out fires, answering dumb questions, or asking a person for the umpteenth time to do the job they volunteered to do. He does delegate, but eventually all queries come back to him. He is behind at work, and by virtue of his employment being in the tech industry, I am always afraid that poor performance will mean his number will be up the next time layoffs come around. What really pisses me off is that this is a volunteer position that seems almost like a second full-time gig.

I am going... Whew - busy week ahead! It's birthday season again - Jordan on the 9th and Rylan on the 12th. I am getting my first salon haircut in years on Tuesday. Yay me! While my mom babysits the little guys on Friday (Jordan's birthday), Dean and I are taking the older two to an amusement park that has a private day just for homeschoolers. The last two years it rained on this particular day, so I am crossing my fingers. This is the second time it has coincided with Jordan's birthday, so that makes it extra cool. On Saturday Rylan is having her birthday party at a local pottery studio, and Jordan will be playing laser tag with a good friend later that afternoon. And Sunday is my favorite day of the year. :) Mother's Day!

I am wondering... If Rylan will like riding on rollercoasters...

I am reading... I've got two going right now - Shed Your Stuff, Change Your Life, by Julie Morgenstern, and Parenting Beyond Belief, edited by Dale McGowan. I am enjoying both immensely and learning a lot. There is good advice in the Morgenstern book about how to line out job or volunteer duties and separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak.

In the garden... The lettuce is growing. As are the weeds and grass. I need to get busy.

I am hoping... That this nice, mild weather continues all week.

I am looking forward to... birthdays!

I am learning... all about sleep apnea. I have it. I did an at-home sleep study (all the insurance company would spring for, at the time) last Tuesday night, and saw the results the next day. I stopped breathing multiple times during the night, and my brain was poking me awake on average every 2 minutes. Needless to say, I never wake up feeling rested. Ever. My pulse ox runs at about 90, dipping down to 86 every time I stop breathing. The results are being sent to my doctor and insurance company, in the hopes that I will be approved for a full-on sleep study - an overnight at the testing facility, so they can see what the brain is doing as well. When your body stops breathing and then you snort and gasp after several seconds (my longest period without breathing was 17 seconds), your brain releases adrenaline and pumps up the blood sugar in a flight response. This prolonged increase in the blood stream is hard on your heart and your liver. My blood pressure has seen a very slight, but steady increase over the past year. Dean has reported that my snoring is pretty bad, that I repeatedly stop breathing throughout the night, I wake up with a headache most mornings (due to the pumped up adrenaline in the system), and I never feel rested. I also feel sleepy throughout the day, drive while drowsy and have poor concentration. All bad things. A CPAP machine is definitely in my future. But so is feeling rested, better sleep for Dean, better concentration, better mood, and maybe an end to my depression???? yay!

I am hearing... Shawn the Sheep. A Sunday morning kid favorite.

Around the house... The dirty, smelly camping gear will be arriving shortly. :(

I am pondering... how to work in a walk this morning. Being home alone with the little kids presents a problem that I can't just leave the house and walk for 45 minutes on my own. The solution has been to walk in the gigantic church parking lot behind the house and let the little kids roam all over on their bikes while I walk laps. Kinda hard to pull that off on a Sunday morning. I could drive a short distance to a walking trail, but there is always the danger of rattlesnakes, and kids who take off on their bikes - out of earshot.

One of my favorite things... The birdies. And the scent of jasmine.

A few plans for the rest of the week... My haircut is something I am really looking forward to. Not a big change - I don't think. Sometimes all reason escapes me the second I sit in that chair... I've got the birthday cake requests in - Jordan as always wants Blackout Cake, and Rylan wants a 2-layer chocolate cake, with marshmallow frosting, strawberries on top and a Barbie stuck in it. okay.... we'll have to negotiate on the Barbie. For her party I am going to special-order cupcakes at bakery close by. Most of her friends have the tough lot in life of food allergies to contend with, so I want to make sure I have a treat to offer that they can have.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Colin took this picture from his car seat when we took our road trip last week.  I think this was on the stretch of highway between Steamboat Springs and Craig.

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