Since Dean and Jordan were going to be away this weekend for the scout Fall Camporee, he thought it would be the perfect time to throw me to the dogs and request that I venture to the Apple Store on Saturday to get my iPad replaced.
(If you don't know what I am talking about, get with the program and back up a post or two. I am not always going to reward the lazy readers with convenient links, you know... )
Perfect. One mom. Three little kids. Boulder. On a Saturday. At a technology store.
My Saturday started at 8:02, as I bolted upright in bed thinking that we were late for karate. We weren't. Karate starts at 8:45. It's a 20 minute drive. Plenty of time! We were 10 minutes late. Because we had to fly out of the house in a panic, I forgot everything I needed for the day. Extra clothes. Breakfast. Water. Paperwork for the Apple Store. Diapers. Y'know... all the important things.
So Owen did his class, Rylan did her class, then we flew several blocks over to get Owen to his gymnastics class. I had approximately 54 minutes to go back home, retrieve everything I forgot, make a promised stop at the Donut shop and get back in time to pick up Owen. Got the stuff, forgot the water, donut shop had a long line. We arrived in Loveland and I picked the quickest route to his gym. I needed to merge into the right lane to make a turn, and I had a mile to do so. There was a spot three car-lengths long between the car slightly ahead of me and the one slightly behind me. I turned on my blinker. No one budged. I was within a quarter of a mile at this point so I pushed the issue and merged. I didn't cut anybody off, or make any sudden moves, and I was even polite and gave the asshole behind me a courtesy wave. He returned the gesture with the middle finger.
Y'know? Shit like that just ruins my day. I hate people who do that. Especially people of the ilk that think that they retain ownership of the bufferzone of asphalt that surrounds them. Invade their preconceived space and they get bent out of shape. These are also the same people that fly off the handle if you refuse their out-of-date coupons or insist on getting the lunch special price at 9pm and think that every salesperson is out to swindle them.
Mr. Middle Finger tailed me for the next two miles. His lovely wife tossed her hair and looked indignant. I went five miles under the speed limit. I was still on time to pick up Owen.
We left the gym and I went to the one-and-only donut shop in Loveland, the Donut Haus. They were all out. The entire case was empty, except for three delicious-looking apricot pinwheels that I knew my kids would not got for. The very kind lady behind the counter said that some donuts had come out just a bit ago, and she would be happy to frost them. I left with five cake donuts with chocolate frosting and sprinkles, and four bottles of juice. Those were the most awesome donuts I have every had. They were velvety soft and dense and just plain wonderful... It also helped my mood that on the way out of the parking lot, two other cars were pulling out and I had to wait for each of them in turn. Each elderly driver left with a smile and a courtesy wave. That's how it's done people!
Boulder. I drove the back way, on the west side of Longmont, through Hygiene. It's prettier and less traffic. Unless you count bicyclists. All 98 of them that I counted in a 7 mile stretch along CR75 from Hwy 66 to the Diagonal Hwy. That's okay - I didn't mind, actually. I thought that they would be fun to count. I didn't think there would be THAT many.
The good news is is that the drive was without incident. The bad news is is that Dean sent me into Boulder on a SATURDAY. Not just any Saturday, but A GAME DAY Saturday for the CU Buffs. The outdoor mall where the Apple store is located is just a few blocks north of campus. Parking was going to be a nightmare. Especially since I did not have a stroller in hand.
I slowly cruised by the Apple store. There were at least 100 people in there. People who probably had appointments. Of which I did not. Shit. So I lucked out on an unbelievably-close parking spot, pulled out my phone and called the store. I told the computer clerk that I wanted an appointment. Great. My appointment would be in one hour, fifty minutes.
So we headed off to a McDonald's. I asked the drive-thru clerk where a nice playground/park was and she gave me directions towards a park that was just two blocks away. We drove there and luckily there was parking. There were already tailgaters setting up their Weber grills and taking up precious parking spaces for the playground area. Assholes. Next to the playground there was a fenced-in public pool and there were dogs swimming in the lap lanes. The kids thought that was hilarious. Our City pool does that too - they call it the Pooch Plunge and they hold it on the last weekend the pool is open for the year.
We set up our blanket (I set up our blanket, the kids were already playing), and I sat down to enjoy (?) my 1,025 calorie lunch. Twenty seconds later Rylan appears and shares that she has to go to the bathroom. A lady near us tells us that there is a port-a-potty on the far side of the park (near the pool), and she'll watch our stuff. Nice lady. She had kids with her too. I like moms like that - they know what it's like...
We get back to the blanket, eat some more and I watch Owen climbing a rocket and Colin playing on some tube/slide thing. Two girls come over to our blanket and checkout the Happy Meal boxes (which are advertising the characters for Hotel Transylvania) and are chatting with Rylan about the actresses that voiced different characters. I look up to check on Owen and Colin. Owen hasn't moved, and Colin is.... ?....?....?
I have never lost a kid before. Never. Sure, they've rounded the grocery aisle too soon, or darted into the stacks in the Library, but I have never lost a kid. Colin was nowhere to be found. The playground was situated next to the pool, and there was a joint parking lot in the front, bounded by a busy four-lane street. Behind us was grassy hills and fields, and opposite of the parking lot was a tree-lined alleyway that led to another busy street. Then the ice cream truck showed up. Rylan was distracted by the music, and it also got Owen's attention so he climbed out of the contained-space of the rocket. I had no choice but to send Rylan in one direction around the pool, and I would go in the other, and Owen was to STAY PUT (or so help me!). I rounded the back side of the pool along the alley, and there were several picnickers and tailgaters. No one had seen a 2 year old wander by. I rounded the next side of the pool Great! Homeless people! Peeing in bushes no less! I tossed off some unpleasantries over my shoulder and rounded the front of the pool. No Rylan. No Colin. But look! There is Owen, talking to the ice cream lady! She hadn't seen Rylan. I rounded the corner (with Owen in tow) and was back on the playground. A guy that was sitting near us when I sounded the alarm was flagging me down from the other side of the play area and pointed toward the alleyway. There was Rylan, a Parks employee and.. Colin! sigh.
That was the longest 6, 7? minutes of my life. Colin will be the one that will test every last nerve I have. We finished our lunch at it was time to head back to the store for my appointment. Owen now had a suspicious brown stain on his behind. There was also a suspicious smell. This is where I lost my almost-nonexistent coping skills. I made him get in the car anyway. Poopy pants and all. I had an appointment, damn it - and his poopy pants problem was not going to make me late! (This boy has been potty-trained since January, yet we have had several 'incidents' lately - all while being out and about).
This time I found a crappy parking spot. Out in the far reaches of a parking lot behind the mall. I had 9 minutes to get to my appointment. I stripped Owen down and did the best clean-up job I could, using up most of my supply of wipes. Luckily there was an extra pair of shorts to be had, but no underwear. We went to the store. I worked my way through the Apple-loving hoards and was matched up with an employee about five minutes later. I told him what I was there for (Dean had struck a deal with a manager to get a replacement iPad WITH AppleCare+ for the $299 price tag (saving $100 and now we would have coverage if there were to be another dropping incident, of which no doubt there will be...). He agreed and the exchange process began. So did another suspicious smell - coming from another rear end. This time it belonged to Colin. And I did not bring in the diaper backpack because I know they do not offer a public bathroom in this store.
So I stood apart from Colin and hoped that he wouldn't attract too much attention... and then Owen pipes up - 'I gotta go potty!'.
Why? Why me? Why, when I am without the other parent or older child, does everything have to go wrong? A very nice employee says that they do have a bathroom that elderly and desperate children *can* use, so I take Colin along as well so that he doesn't go missing again. I leave Rylan with the demo-iPads. We are ushered through a bank vault-like door and escorted to the bathroom. We are accompanied by the employee the entire time.
We return to the sales floor and we wait, and we wait and we wait. I'm not sure what the guy is doing with my old iPad - I was assuming that he was transferring data from one device to the other, since my dear husband TOLD me that is what they would do. In the meantime, Colin is now running figure-eights around the demo tables, crawling on the floor, screeching... and stinking up a storm. In one respect it is down-right embarrassing. In another, you are certain that an out-of-control kid is your fastest ticket out of the there... So. I let it continue. Also because there is no hope of containing him anyway.
The sales guy comes out and shows me the new iPad and then double-checks with me that I have, in fact, backed up my iPad to the computer. I have no idea. I know that I, personally, have not. I was still busy trying to configure it and get actual stuff ON IT. So, the only other option is to try to save it 'to the cloud'. I've never done that. I don't even understand that. But, hey! We have to do it because the 'exchange' has been made and the only way I can leave the store is with the new iPad, leaving the old one behind.
So, we go with the iCloud option. It takes 22 minutes. I have a stinky, obnoxious child running circles around me, and I am busy frantically snapping photos with my iPhone of my notes and sticky notes so that if I lose them, I can rewrite them.
Finally, after 1 hour and 2 minutes of insane noise, commotion and utter confusion, we can leave. I didn't lose anybody, and I had a brand new iPad with a perfect screen. We get out of the store and Owen runs in one direction, Colin runs in the other, and Rylan lags behind. It is that way the whole way to the car. I'm herding cats. We are nearing a frozen yogurt place when Owen belts out that he needs to go potty again. Several outdoor tables full of people snicker. We go in and use the bathroom. Colin drops his binkie on the bathroom floor multiple times, runs his hands over EVERY porcelain surface to be found and so on. I've decided I need to pack a can of Lysol with me.
Because we've used their bathroom, and the kids are loudly requesting ice cream, I agree to buy ONE bowl and split it. The store is called Spooners. It is all self-serve. You chose your frozen yogurt and then you have a choice of about 40 different toppings. The toppings are in containers like they have at the grocery store - you turn the dial and stuff comes flooding out. Owen is messing with dials over here, Colin is doing the same over there, and stuff is spilling all over the floor.
I've lost it by that point. I yank them away from the toppings repeatedly, plopping them down hard at our table - only to turn around and they are at it again. I manage to get a simple bowl of frozen yogurt and M&Ms and pay - even after several customers cut in front of me. The entire bowl is gone within three minutes - which is good. The yogurt tasted terrible, though. Yuck. My mom calls. I relate my terrible day and as I am doing so, Colin and Owen are at it again. This time they are jumping up and down on some leather couches that are in a separate seating area. I yank each of them off. Hard. Like dislocate-your-shoulder hard. I am sure there are some disapproving stares from other customers that were snickering at the boys' antics. I don't care. Choke on your f'n granola, Boulderites. I've had enough.
Even though it is illegal, I put my headphones in for the drive home - some soft classical music. I cannot take Toy Story for the 127th time. We have a nice, uneventful drive home. I drop off our girl scout fall sales order form at the leader's house in Loveland, and I feel relief that we don't have to worry about sales anymore. Rylan did a very good job and is pleased with meeting her goal.
We get home, I tell the kids that I love them dearly but I don't want to see or hear them for at least a couple hours. I set to work setting up the iPad all over again. The whole back-it-up-to-the-cloud thing? Didn't work. Evidently my husband *did* back it up to the computer, so my notes and photos were intact. None of my apps were on the computer. They were found under the purchased section, so I could easily do that part - but it was like starting over. The Gardens of Time game that I have playing like a fiend for the past few weeks is completely gone. (My husband is cheering right now, I'm sure). To put this in perspective - all you Farmville addicts? Imagine your entire farm being deleted. Your neighbors, your bonuses., your levels... gone.
I want my Saturday back. I want to do it over again.
I would stay home.
Do some laundry.... go for a walk.
I would also of had the time to actually call my dad and wish him a Happy 70th Birthday.
And then call my FIL and wish him a Happy Birthday as well.
So. It is now Sunday. I guess I will just make the best of it. There is a fall festival event happening at Walker Ranch today - it's been on our calendar for two months now. It's just north of Boulder.
We won't be going.
I'm going to wash the whites instead.
It's safer.
