Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

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July

The calendar keeps churning away and July is almost gone!

Nine
Happy Anniversary today to my sweet husband. Nine years of crazy and fun. Emphasis on the crazy. Tonight we go out to celebrate by stuffing ourselves with various food items covered in cheese and chocolate. Just not at the same time. That would be gross.

1. We still can't agree on how to properly fold a towel.
2. He forgets to put tools away.
3. I forget the laundry.
4. He brings me Starbucks.
5. I make his coffee in the morning.
6. He uses too much cleaning spray.
7. I use too much pepper.
8. He makes the regular thoughtful gesture.
9. I dream up a never-ending stream of projects that require tools and his time.
Love ya' Honey!

Girl Scout Day Camp
Last week Rylan attended her week-long Girl Scout Day Camp. Luckily it was nice and cool most of the week - totally out of character for July - but along with that came thundershowers every afternoon, which made me a nervous wreck. With minimal help from me, Rylan got herself packed up every morning and made her own lunch and snack. At camp she fished, canoed, shot some arrows, scaled a climbing wall, sang songs, made some swaps and did a lot of crafts. I have to say something about all the craft-in-a-bag kits and especially the 'plastic cup basket weaving' project. Here is the offending object:

Sigh. A plastic cup? Really? Cue the creak of the rocking chair: "When I went to camp..." we wove actual baskets. With real grass. We spent a couple of hours working on our baskets, not the hurried pace of a new activity every 35 minutes. Camp Amakulo, I miss you. We also finger-wove yarn baskets. I kept mine for several years, but I don't know what happened to it. Rylan started her cup/yarn project at camp, and then had to stuff it into her backpack to take home and finish later. So as soon as she arrived home, she settled herself on the couch, and in quiet content, she spent the next hour 'weaving'. She remarked that it was so much easier to concentrate when there weren't sixty other girls yakking away. I agree.

Christmas in July
Just this past Saturday, Rylan attended her first dance audition. Her dance studio was holding try-outs for different parts in the Nutcracker, as rehearsals start next month. Rylan wore a number pinned to her leotard, and joined a few other girls in her age group (6-8 yr olds) for their audition. She could be placed in any number of parts - a dancing present in the party scene, or a tumbling candy cane or gingerbread. I think her tumbling experience in last years' class will help. She has a part for sure, as her dance class this year will be performing as butterflies in the Waltz of the Flowers scene. Performing in the Nutcracker isn't mandatory, but practicing the dance (different parts dictated by class level) is a part of regular dance class leading up to the performance. Dean and I will dance in the party scene again this year, but it just dawned on me that I will only have about 4 months of rehab from my surgery before it is time. I hope the healing goes well! And that I can fit into my dress. No exercise and emotional eating in the past couple of months has really put me back to almost where I started from!

The Big Squeeze
I had my mammogram and annual a couple of days ago. I have been dreading this mammogram ever since my BR surgery 9 months ago. I am not completely healed yet. My scars are tender, my breasts are tender... just imagining them being squeezed by the scanning machine has made me cringe every single day leading up to this. I'm not going to lie - it hurt. That is still no excuse not to get a mammogram, so if you haven't yet - DO IT. The tech did a total of four scans. The first one was the worst. When they place your breast on the plate, they then fine tune the position of the plate by moving it up and away from you to stretch things just a bit more. Since it is your bare skin sitting on this plate thingy, it sort of sticks there, and is pulled along as the plate moves around, and this is where most of the God-awful pain comes from - it was even that way before surgery, but this time around it pulled right along where my incision line is, and that. hurt. So after that first scan, when I could barely squeak out an "I'm OK" (which I clearly wasn't, but wanted to get the damn thing over with), she took out a large adhesive pad (picture a giant-sized mouse pad) and laid it on top of that plate thingy. What. a. difference. She told me not to tell anyone about it, since the pads cost $5 apiece. WTF!? If there is a way to make a mammogram less painful for women, I will shout it from the roof tops to all who will hear. Ask for the pad! Your skin won't stick and it adds just enough cushion during the squeeze portion of the scan that it makes it bearable. This year there was less squeezing actually than in times past. Less dense breast tissue to work through, I guess. They used to have to flatten each breast out like a dinner plate. Embarrassing AND painful! It was interesting to compare the scan from last year to this year. My breasts are totally different in the inside, and there is visible scar tissue now. This scan will now be my new baseline. I am very, very happy about my BR, and I don't regret it a second. The recovery time is much longer than I ever thought, and it really did do a number on my entire system (pain, numbness, lethargy and so forth) but it was sooo worth it.

ACL Reconstruction
I saw my orthopedic surgeon last week so that he could confirm that I am ready for my surgery next week. I have decided to go the autograft route, where I donate a portion of my own patellar tendon to the cause. I am feeling pretty good at this point. I can go without my brace and walk mostly w/o a limp, I can walk more than a mile at a time now, I can do stairs, squats and ride my bike. I even got down on both knees to dig through a bin last night. This all sounds good, but it is all done with a degree of instability that I can 'feel' in my joint. I always feel like my knee will give way at any moment. Occasionally my knee does pop backward or to the medial side, and Holy Hannah does that hurt. I also 'hear' and 'feel' the sound of the 'pop' as it happened at the time of injury, as my mind replays it for me in an endless loop at inappropriate times - like when I am trying to go to sleep or reading a book. Evil.

This will make for 3 surgeries in 14 months. I was most worked up about the BR surgery of course, because it would change my appearance and it meant major scarring and chances of infection. My shoulder surgery would grant almost instant pain relief - and it did. :) My knee though.. this is the surgery I am dreading. Knee pain stays with you. Every shift of your body, no matter how subtle, hurts. Maybe not so much now, but it was that way for that first month after injury, and I imagine it will be that way again after surgery. I am dreading that pain again, and I am dreading my impending loss of mobility. I can't keep up with the kids, the house, the everything...

IKEA
I dragged my husband to IKEA last weekend. We went with the intent of getting some tables and chairs to use in our schoolroom. I had the hair-brained idea that even though I am just days away from major surgery, this is the perfect time to completely gut a room, repaint, redo the lighting and do some decorating. I blame it on the 'nesting' instinct - similar to what you do right before baby. The painting was done last weekend, and we purchased two tables, 8 table legs, 4 swivel chairs, a new lighting system and some other odds and ends. Everything has been put together and in place, and it works beautifully for us. I just have to wrap up painting an old bookshelf and the art work, and then I will show and tell!

The Alphabet
I am in the finishing stages of a huge art project that I have wanted to create for several years. You will see when it is all done. For now - I present the letter "W".

The roof over our heads
We've picked the shingle color, we've obtained permission from the HOA, we've cashed the insurance check and made the down-payment with the roofing contractor. Now I am just waiting for the call from the contractor with the date when the roofers will arrive and complete the job. The call was supposed to come this week, and it is already Thursday. He's got 'til noon, then I am calling him. Don't mess with an overly-stressed lady who is frantically trying to get her ducks in a row! And we still need to talk to the windows guy, the painter guy....

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Stepping out on date night with four left feet

 

 

It's not that I woke up one morning and decided that from now on I would look for every opportunity to step outside my comfort zone - let alone drag my husband with me.  However, on that day in August, when an email from my daughter's dance studio arrived with a request for adult volunteers to dance as party scene parents in the Nutcracker, my mind started racing.  Could I?  Should I?  We?  Would Dean be willing to do it with me?  Can he dance?  I don't know?!?!?  How is it that I have no idea if my husband can dance or not??

 

The sad fact is, since the moment we met, we have never danced.  Not once.  Not at our wedding, or at a club, or at someone else's wedding, not even in the living room.  We may have swayed to-and-fro a bit in the hospital room, but I was in active labor so I may have been hallucinating.  We made it official on the evening of November 1st, when Dean took my hand and we twirled on a bonafide dance floor for the very first time.  And then I started a count late, he stepped out with the wrong foot, and we fumbled for the other's hand as we each turned in the wrong direction.  We were dancing!

 

We had a great time.  It felt like a date night! We chatted, we laughed...  This plays directly into sage marriage advice - find and use opportunities to try new things together, as it will provide ways to learn and grow as a couple.  It is hard to put what I feel into words, but I feel so blessed - a thousand times over - that Dean was willing to step outside of his own comfort zone to do this with me.  Sure my stomach is in knots with anxiety over doing this, but this is such a rare opportunity that we get to dance together in the Nutcracker of all things...  It is exciting to be in rehearsal and to be a part of something bigger once again.  I also realize that this may be a long-time gig.  Willing and able adult volunteers are hard to find - and they know where we live.

 

 

 

In sickness and in health...

 

Happy 8th Anniversary to us! We are feeling very blessed this year, as we toast the past wonderful eight years of friendship, parenthood, chaos, silliness and love.

We have decided to celebrate this year by gifting ourselves with a pair of Fitbit Flex bracelets. If you don't have one, Get One! Trouble is, they are a hot commodity right now, so good luck. Last Friday we bought ours at Best Buy, two out of three that could be found in all of the state of Colorado. Online retailers are back ordered. We were really, really lucky. These bracelets are. awesome. Click on the link to find out more about them, but for a quick overview, these bracelets track your every move all throughout the day. No need to wear your pedometer or other gadgetry. The FitBit will track the intensity of your movements, your calories burned, how much sleep you got and the quality of sleep by noting how many times you were restless, it is waterproof (like in the shower, not the pool) and it is compatible with MyFitnessPal. You can use MFP for tracking your food diary, and MFP will analyze and log the data it constantly receives from your FitBit. I am a data freak, so I LOVE this! Since Saturday I've logged 31.62 miles (walking).

This is a great way to partner up with my husband and cheer each other as we get healthier together - that way we can do our part in keeping the sickness part of the deal out of the equation as much as possible.

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The State of the Union

A wedding anniversary is the celebration

of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity.

The order varies for any given year.

~Paul Sweeney

A couple of years ago my friend, Lorin, shared with me an annual ritual that she and her husband have, called the 'State of the Union'.  It is a frank discussion between marriage partners (over copious amounts of food and wine) about the state of the marriage.  It is a way to safely express concerns, air grievances, strategize and set goals for the coming year - all for the sake of keeping the lines of communication open and honest.  I loved the idea, but just never got around to sharing it with Dean and working it in to our already busy lives.  But 'busy' means that touchy emotions can get buried... which is dangerous.

This past week we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary while we were on vacation in OKC.  It actually worked out to our advantage - the grandparents were all too happy to babysit, and we could enjoy an upscale dining experience and have some time to actually talk, instead of refereeing the little people and dodging three different pairs of legs as they wildly kicked at each other under the table.

So, with two lovely glasses of chilled Reilsing in hand, we toasted to our happiness and began our first 'State of the Union'.  The topics which you can choose to discuss are only limited by your imagination, but for this time around we worked off of the list that Lorin emailed me...

* division of labor

* parenting

* homeschool

* sex

* finances

* work

* time alone

* travel

* friends

* church

* website/blog/home business

* family (like inlaws)

* home projects

* goals

It was so nice to have a framework for discussion!  Luckily, for us, the potential hot-button issues (division of labor/parenting/finances) had already been hashed out previously (thank you Financial Peace University!!) and have been in 'maintainence mode' for a while.  We only got halfway through our discussion before dinner and dessert were over - we saved the rest until the drive home (a fine way to pass the time in Kansas).

I think that one of the most important aspects of a union is to acknowledge that you are marriage partners first, and parents second.  It is hard to remember that, sometimes, in the midst of chores, schooling and doctor appointments.