"Every time your child says something unkind...to a family member, he is sent
outside to hammer a nail into a post. Every time a kind word is said, have the
child remove a nail. The nail will be somewhat rusty, and will of course leave
a hole in the post. Remind your child that although kind words are nice, the damage
will remain, and it is a wise choice to control what you say".
-Creative Correction by Lisa Welchel
I really used to enjoy going to Park Day. That changed one day last September, when a particularly nasty-tempered girl told Rylan that she had big ears. (I love my daughter to death, and yes, she does have ears that stick out quite a bit, but still...) Rylan was crushed. She's five, and that was the first time anyone ever pointed it out to her - let alone SCREAM it in her face. The mother of that little girl never made her daughter aware of the amount of hurt she caused or even offered an apology for the incident. She tried to have a "feelings" discussion with her daughter... and her daughter was in the middle of a blind rage. (That's when you mutter to yourself, "No wonder that girl is homeschooled!") We left shortly after that.
A month or two later a little boy was unapologetic as he revealed to Rylan that the Tooth Fairy does not exist. Rylan hasn't even had the pleasure of losing a tooth yet, and she is already full of doubt. We have yet to go back to a Park Day at this point. We kind of make the most of Park Day in our own way... By playing at a park on the other side of town.
I bring this up now, for two reasons.
1. Enough time has passed that I can now relate the story without using an obscene number of expletives, aimed at people I know and that know me.
2. Rylan, in the midst of a play session with her Barbies this afternoon, suddenly stopped and loudly exclaimed, "Uuugh! I wish I could get that ugly girl out of my head that told me I had big ears!" "Do I have big ears??"
-sigh-
I wish I could get that ugly girl out of your head too, Rylan. I wish I could fill in those nail holes so that it was like they didn't even exist. But. That is life. People will say mean things. And even though the people who love you will say kind things to take away the pain, the holes will still be there. Some critics say that homeschooled children are at a loss as to how to take the playground taunting that all the other kids get used to, and that they are missing out on honing such interpersonal skills as:
* engaging in snappy comebacks - and becoming just as ugly as your aggressor
* getting a thick skin (yet silently hating yourself and requiring lots of expensive therapy in later years)
* starting rumors meant to hurt the other person
* taking names of which mutual friends you can bring to your side
* starting whisper campaigns - the more subversive the better
Get over it you say... "Not everyone is nice." (You can say that again...)
Well society?... you suck. It shouldn't have to be this way.
So therein lies the beauty of homeschooling... we don't have to play with the same mean kids who menace the all other kids on the playground, day after day. We can pick up our toys and go home. We have (for the most part) the ability to selectively choose our playmates.
To make a successful go of it in our society, you owe it to yourself to surround yourself with those who make you feel happy, productive, creative... and well, even loved, for that matter. So that is what I am teaching my kids. You don't have to 'learn how to take it' when others treat you badly - because you don't have to.
And as a gentle reminder to all - take the time to choose your words carefully - they really do leave a lasting impression, and can hurt the ones you love the most.
