Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... An absolutely gorgeous fall morning.  The air is still and the neighborhood is quiet.  I hear the occasional crow...

I am thinking... about how the Pope moved so many people this week.  I'm not Catholic, but his words are for all of us.  I hope Congress listens.  I hope the nation listens.  I hope the world listens.

I am thankful... That the cub scout meeting that I led last week went well.  We have 10 little boys - and they are all full of life yet very sweet.  The object of the meeting was to create *something* out of recycled materials.  Boys this age are not big on crafts... (are they ever?) but I did find a cool project on Pinterest where the boys could create a wolf head, since they are wolves right now.  They were actually excited!  I have all the pieces and parts that they have constructed, now I just need to glue it all together and spray paint it.  They then can add details this coming week.

From the Learning Rooms... Rylan has finally clicked with multiplication, Owen is really getting into math as well - MEP is a very good fit for him and his problem-solving style.  Colin is spending lots of time on ABC Mouse and really enjoying it.  On Friday, I watched a fantastic online discussion given by Julie Bogart from Brave Writer on Periscope, called 'When it all goes wrong in your homeschool'.  It was just the shot in the arm I needed for positive thinking after the first month of slogging through work with the kids.  Even though this is our 8th year homeschooling, sometimes you need to hear that it will all be OK over and over and over again.  This particular discussion is no longer available on Periscope (they only remain for 24 hours), but Julie indicated that she would put it up on the Brave Writer site in the near future.

In the kitchen... I figured out a quick and easy way to create beef stew this past week.  I purchased two packages of Hormel's Beef Tips in Gravy (which would be about the same price as getting stew meat), 32 oz beef stock, bottle of beer, baby carrots, celery, onion, mushrooms and baby potatoes or sweet potatoes.  First saute the onion and mushroom in some butter or oil, and after a few minutes add in some chopped celery.  While the veggies are sauteing, I put the carrots and potatoes (cut into 1 inch chunks) into a pampered chef microwave steamer with a little bit of water, and steamed them in microwave for about 7-8 minutes.  This will cut down on the cooking time, overall.  As soon as the onions turn golden brown and most of the liquid from the mushrooms has cooked off, sprinkle a generous amount of flour over the vegetables and stir until it is mixed in well.  Then pour in a little beer to deglaze the pan, scraping all the good bits off the bottom.  Keep pouring in a little more beer, stir, and then a little more, until the entire bottle is mixed in well.  Add the beef stock, stir well.  Add in the carrots and potatoes - plus the water they steamed in!  Finally, open up the two containers of Beef Tips and scrape all of it into the pot and mix well.  Add a little pepper.  I would nix adding extra salt, there is plenty in the stock and Beef Tips.  Any part of this process can be tailored to what you have on hand veggie-wise.  You can also add some Worcestershire,  a bit of tomato paste... whatever.  When it is all mixed in, cook for about 15 minutes and it should be good to go.  I actually made it twice this week.  Dean needed to take stew with him for Fall Camporee this weekend, so I made a second batch.  It goes together from start to finish in about 30 minutes.  Yummy and kid-approved!

I am wearing... blue silk(ish) pjs from this past Mother's Day.

I am creating... Minion costumes!  Do you know how hard it is to find a large piece of egg-crate foam??  I gave up after visiting five different stores looking for a twin-size mattress foam pad, and just purchased a roll of foam from Hobby Lobby and used a 40% off one item coupon on my phone.  It's not quite as thick as what I wanted, but it will do.  Can't wait to get started. :)

I am going... On a fall hike very shortly.  There is a family fall colors hike at the cub scout camp about an hour away, so we are picking up my dad and then heading up there to join the other families from our pack, and Dean and Jordan will join us as well, since they will be ending their camporee stuff just down the road at the boy scout camp.  Should be a beautiful day!  

I am wondering... If you still get monthly cramps after a hysterectomy. (?)  Three weeks and counting...

I am reading... I visited the Pottermore site yesterday, and read the new bit on there about Harry's ancestors.  Loved it!

I am hoping... That even though I really do love the sunshine, I hope that it starts to cool off a bit and feel more like 'fall'.  I also hope that Rylan's loose tooth comes out today.  It is her first molar tooth to come loose, but it is wedged against her wire band of her braces, so she can only wiggle it in one direction.  She is complaining.  Loudly.  All the time.

I am looking forward to... This coming week.  No extra stuff on the schedule.  It is also my dad's birthday and my FIL's birthday (same day).  I am thinking about taking my dad to the Denver Botanical Gardens.

I am learning... How to shape foam with scissors this week.  Minion teeth...

I am hearing... Clone Wars on Netflix (I think they are actually really good!).

Around the house... Tons of dog hair.  Still!  I hope Abby finishes her seasonal shed soon.

I am pondering... All the advice I heard on the online discussion I mentioned earlier.  Lots of good stuff there - especially the advice that homeschoolers (the parents, really) need to offload the tendency to feel like society's perception of homeschooling rests on their shoulders.  (I do this to myself all. the. time.) Yes, it is a non-conventional educational choice that we've made, but don't feel like you have to live under the constant pressure to always perform at a higher standard in order to prove the skeptics wrong...  This includes making comments to public school parents that your homeschooling experience is above par, even when it isn't.  Even homeschoolers can have bad days (weeks)(months)(year?) and it is okay to be honest with yourself and those you converse with.  Don't put yourself in the position that you must uphold the entity of 'Homeschooling' and push yourself to emulate an impossible, and mythical standard.  Keep it real.  Embrace your messy house, your lack of exercise or balanced meals and the children that refuse to produce stellar work, and just enjoy your choice to be with your children and homeschool them.  You are so lucky to have this opportunity.  Children grow up way to fast, and you need to treasure these years, not be a slave to them.  Good advice! 

One of my favorite things... Telling my youngest, as I put him to bed, about the exciting thing that he will be doing the next day.  He is so cute when he is excited. :)

A few plans for the rest of the week... A hike today, and possibly the Botanical Gardens mid-week.  Then the usual roundup of activities: Lego robotics, ballet, jazz, violin and Nutcracker practice for Rylan, piano and cub scouts for Owen, and boy scouts for Jordan.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Rylan helped me pick out a fall wreath yesterday, for the front door.  I love fall!!

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Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... Sigh.  The neighbor and his noise.  This morning, at exactly 7:42, he started up something that sounded like a sander or a buffer.  And now, at 9:22, he is still going.  Great neighbors, with the exception of his annoying habit of using power tools early in the morning on the weekends.  Also, it is bright and sunny, with just a bit of breeze.

I am thinking... About cats.  Our new cat, Riley, and our original cat, Kitty, are finally getting along.  It's been three months now.  They chase each other around, tolerate the other's presence and have even shared the same food bowl once or twice.  It is interesting to watch how they are always aware of where the other one is.  Riley regularly carries out ambush attacks on Kitty.  It is not exactly a fair fight though, since Kitty has claws and Riley does not.  During the mornings in the schoolroom, the smaller windows are open in the bay window, and each goes to her respective window to keep watch over the neighborhood.

I am thankful... for September.  I love you, September.

From the Learning Rooms... We covered early humans, nomads and early farmers last week in SOTW.  The kids made 'cave paintings' on the single paper bag I managed to find in the garage, squirreled away over the summer for this very purpose.  One morning, when just Owen was up, we sat on the couch and he combed through a DK book on prehistoric life from cover to cover.  I had found him studying the page featuring a trilobite, and he was worried about it.  "Do these still exist?"  "Will they bite you?".  I told him to think of it as a giant rolypoly and no, they don't exist anymore, but we can go see the fossil of one at the museum.  He slowly worked his way through the book, studying the pages and asking some very thoughtful questions.  It was pure Owen.  I love that kid.

In the kitchen... I am making monster cookies and cutting up watermelon and cantaloupe for a picnic later this afternoon.  The kids are in the process of making grape koolaid to pour into the popsicle molds.

I am wearing... pjs.  Pulled out the winter flannel pjs last night.  It's getting chilly at night now!

I am creating... not much at the moment.

I am going... to a picnic later today for our homeschool group.  It is our annual Not-Back-to-School picnic.  It is always a fun time.

I am wondering... What in the world to have 10 cub scouts do for a recycling activity at the meeting this coming Thursday.  I will be consulting Pinterest for ideas.  The den leader is out of town this week, so the meeting falls on my shoulders.  Heaven help me.

I am reading... The den leader scout manual for what to do for this upcoming activity/badge thingy.

I am hoping... That half of the boys will skip scouts for soccer practice.

I am looking forward to... The pack Fall Color hike next weekend.

I am learning... about hysterectomies.

I am hearing... A blend of Transformers on TV, the sander outside, and Rylan stirring koolaid in the kitchen.  The kids are explaining to me that it is an early episode, when Bumblebee still had his voice.  And that Bumblebee is Colin's favorite color - yellow.

Around the house... the usual line-up.  Laundry and dishes.

I am pondering... starting on the boys' Halloween costumes today.  Clock is ticking...

One of my favorite things... Quiet.  Which is an elusive thing these days.

A few plans for the rest of the week...  Rylan has her first consultation appointment in regards to her scoliosis.  We got the x-rays done in May, now it is time to find out what we need to do right now, if anything.  There is scout popcorn everywhere.  The boys need to sell it.  Dean and Jordan leave for Fall Camporee this upcoming weekend.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

We met up with my brother and SIL and two of their three boys and went to the circus last weekend.  The kids loved it.  Colin was the most impressed with the motorcycles in the ball cage.  Owen and Rylan liked the dogs doing stunts the best, and Jordan couldn't stop talking about the guy that shot ballons with a crossbow.  He was certain that it was faked somehow.  Nobody liked the horseback routine where they jump on the backs of the horses.  I loved the audience-participation bit where kids played a variety of silly instruments.

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Epiphany

**Note - this post was written in late May, but never posted.  (No idea why)  It expresses lots of good stuff for a homeschooling parent to ruminate on, so I thought it worthwhile to set it free...

Yesterday morning, in the midst of the chaos of baking muffins, answering email, finding clean underwear and pouring grape juice and then cleaning up spilled grape juice, I had a thought come to me.  Well, several, actually.  The thoughts were like teeny tiny droplets of water that were spread out over a leaf, and then the leaf was disturbed and all the droplets fell victim to gravity and rolled down toward the center of the leaf, gathering speed...

I had planned, so very carefully late last summer, to dump any unnecessary or unfulfilling obligations, clear the decks, free up our (my) time and let homeschooling take center stage.  I sought out an ally - Calvert, to help me do this.  I let Calvert dictate the schedule, the process, the content and so forth.  I let the teachers work with my kids, they took tests, did assignments and got grades.  It actually has been a good experience - mostly for Jordan.  It allowed him to really grow as a student this year, his writing skills, planning skills and organization skills are getting a workout, and we both feel he is ready.  He is ready to take on public high school next year, a transition that is right for him and for me.

For Rylan and Owen though, the experience has been difficult.  Rylan loves the social aspect - the twice-a-week online classes complete with chat box, but hates, HATES, H.A.T.E.S. the school work. Rylan is not the complete-a-worksheet sort of learner.  She loves projects, she loves to write, and she takes initiative  - - when she is inspired.  Otherwise, she curls up into a ball, faces the back of her chair, and all of sudden her head is simply too heavy to hold up.  Same with her pencil.  In Owen's case, he is in la la land.  He fiddles with everything within arms reach, ignores any requests that involve moving a pencil on paper, yet he has this irritating gift that he hears everything you say even though you think he took a mental vacation to who-know's-where, and can repeat it back to you, word-for-word.  Owen also has a gift of finding patterns in everything.  Math with be a breeze for this kid.  But he also finds patterns in language - surprising me at every turn.  This is also the boy who can't tell a 'b' from a 'd', or a 'p'.

Which brings me to my epiphany that I had this morning.

We are slogging through the last four weeks of school.  All three kids are finishing up projects, have tests to take and so forth.  Both Rylan and Owen take the STAR test.  They took it at the beginning of the year, then again at mid-year, and now they have to again at the end.  Since we school at home, the teachers send us a link to get into the test, and we are supposed to take it within a two week window. When we did the tests before, I followed the teacher's directions and once I was sure the test was started and they were in good shape, I left the room as I was instructed to.  I know what the STAR early literacy test is, I had my own students (back when I was teaching in public school) take it and so forth.  But here is the rub - at every opportunity, the kids were wearing headphones.  I never heard the audio that goes on during test.  This time, since I was curious and the house was unusually quiet, I unplugged the headphones during Owen's test so that I could watch and listen.  OMG.  

This.

This is why we made the decision to homeschool in the first place.  This is why I hate testing and lost my teaching job because of it.  Testing is so fucking stupid.

Here is why I am pissed.  All year long, in Owen's case, we have been working on learning the alphabet, phonemes, beginning sounds, ending sounds, vowel sounds, blah, blah, blah.  It is presented in the same fashion, every time.  I am supposed to present it a 'certain' way, much like reading a script.  Occasionally I would vary it if we were working on a Bob book or something, and Owen worked on Reading Eggs as well, which adds a ton of variety.   But when it comes to the test... oh the HELL NO.  Here is a sample:  The question shows three boxes, with a word in each box: 'lip', 'cat', and 'jet'.  Then there is a word printed at the top - "sit".  Then an annoying voice says, "Which word has the same middle sound as in the word "sit"?  Okay, - yes, this is a good question.  But the presentation, the multiple skills involved at decoding, phoneme matching and selecting are all really complicated to begin with - for a beginning reader.  Also, never in the lessons has isolating the middle vowel sound ever been presented in this way, so this is totally new to him.  Furthermore, the annoying voice only gives you 10 seconds to think about it and then it asks you again.  And again.  And again.  Even I was thinking hard and saying "SHUT UP!!!! LEMME THINK!!!!" inside my head.  Poor Owen.  It was the same scenario in Rylan's case, too.  And it was question after question, just like that.

I already know what their strengths and weaknesses are, I hate that I have to put them through this.  Yes, I want to see benchmarks met and check for growth, but if they can successfully do something this week that they couldn't do last week, that's good enough for me.

I've had a lot of brief conversations with other homeschooling friends lately, they know I am struggling with Calvert and ask how it is going.  I've heard lots of stories and affirmation that kids will learn, in their own time, their own way, and if we just get out of the way and stop putting limits on them, they will find the connections, and in a much more meaningful way.

Calvert did let me take a break from having to plan everything.  I didn't have to scout out the right materials for each subject, I didn't have to construct the proper pace or sequence...  In fact, Calvert allowed me to check out completely.  Which allowed me to have a complete emotional breakdown, and the stress of keeping up with mountains of worksheets led to lots of crying and thoughts that I completely suck at anything I try to put my hand to.

I reminded myself a few days ago to take myself back to when I was last truly happy in life - a happiness that you feel at your very core, a joy that can't be rattled or dampened.  I was happy when I was in flow.  I was in flow when I was planning, organizing, scouting out materials, writing, presenting.. all the things I was doing as I was in school getting my teaching degree - and I would also have to add my first year of teaching - up until that fateful month of April when my name on the classroom door changed.  Twice.

The fact that I haven't been able to stop thinking about the curriculum that I wished we could be using, or the activities I know the kids would get much more meaning from, or the fact that we are bound to the desk and can't be out exploring and doing, tells me that my heart knows where we need to be.  My heart is aching for that place of pure joy again - that place where flow was happening.  If I could just get my head to stop interfering with what my hearts wants, all would be good.

Therein lies the epiphany.  Follow your heart.  Your heart knows the path you must take.

It is also a message that has been tattooed on my ankle for the past 22 years.  Go figure...

Doing nothing about everything

I will say that life is good.  Just...good.  I've thoroughly enjoyed my summer of just 'being'.  We had the most minimal schedule - ever.  And it was good.  Actually, it was great.  It was also just about all I could handle.  Last year just sent me into an abyss that seemed to have no bottom.  I'm still working on finding the light.  I came across this quote today, and it is the first thing I have read in a long, long time that adequately explains how I feel most of the time.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

My oldest is entering high school in T-minus 36 hours, and I feel scared.  Scared that I didn't do enough, teach him enough, counsel him enough - yet I'm tired of constantly worrying about it.  I'm tired of sounding like the broken record I don't want to be.  Tired of thinking about the needs of the kids, when I should be placing some importance on my own needs.  Parenting is overwhelming to me at times - the precarious act of being scared AND tired, constantly.

It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

This is a thousand times worse when you are a stay-at-home parent and a home educator.  It's the time I spend on Pinterest finding all sorts of activities I will never actually do.  It's the evil of perfectionism.  It's my 5 year old that is still working on potty-training.  It's my 7 year old that is still learning to read.  It's my 15 year old that has horrendous table manners.  I take all of these failures very personally.  Even though they are not about me at all, and technically not my failures and the fact that the 7 year old can't read yet is actually pretty normal.  It circles back to scared and tired.  I'm scared that my 15 year old will blow it on the first day of school by spewing food on his classmates during the lunch hour and forever making the wrong impression.  But, I have a serious lack of urge to do anything about it, because, after 10 years of lecturing him on a daily basis about the basics of mealtime decency, he still doesn't 'get it'.  Same with the 5 year old that still has no clue about when to make the effort to get to the bathroom.  It's the half-finished paint job in the open floor plan livingroom/kitchen that is stalled out because all of a sudden I am unsure about the paint color.  Fuck it.  Old spaghetti sauce stains are better than the wrong color of beige, right?  

It's wanting friends but hate socialising.

Facebook is my own worst enemy.  It's the friends that post pictures of fun that doesn't include you, but if they actually had, you wouldn't really have wanted to go anyway because of a thousand different reasons that have nothing to do with not wanting to see your friends.  It's the desperate need to share a coffee with a dear friend, but fear of rejection so you don't ask.  And besides, you're too tired to go through the hassle.

It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.

I'm an introvert, so spending time alone is almost preferred.  Except when the anxiety creeps in that I'm alone too much and afraid that everyone thinks I'm standoffish.  And so then I am a failure at socializing properly, yet to work on it would require effort.

It's caring about everything, then caring about nothing.

I care that my children are fed and clothed and cared for.  Yet....there are days I don't really give a crap if they eat nothing but carrot sticks and popsicles, stay in their pjs and go to bed late.  Some days it is just too difficult to keep the plates spinning.  Ok.. Most days.

It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb.

You read about the latest atrocity dealt to innocent people by various terrorist groups.  You feel helpless, hopeless, deeply sad and distressed... and then you feel numb.  You feel the stress of doctor appointments, committee tasks, emails, deadlines, activity schedules - no more so than the average person has to deal with, but for you, it all comes too fast and furious, and you can't process it all, so you retreat to your room and take a nap.  And stay there.  The kids are yelling downstairs....  The dog is barking to be let in...  The cellphone is downstairs but you can hear the ping of text messages coming through.  And still you do not move.  

This has been my mental health struggle for the past several months.  My don't-give-a-shit days number far too many still, but there is gradual improvement.  At the end of the month I will be seeing a new counselor/psychiatrist, and I am pretty sure there will be a med tweak.  I'm currently on Prozac, but I just don't like the side-effects.  I feel 'flat', with little affect, my energy is super low and my weight is going up.  

Now, for the good news, I bought myself a new FitBit for my birthday last week, and I love how it motivates me.  I know that getting back into a regular exercise routine will help me in numerous ways - as long as the fear of failure doesn't get in the way.  I also made the decision to take homeschooling by the horns again - on my own, without Calvert.  I feel like this is a risky move - given my don't-give-a-shit attitude of late, but I can't take any more pressure like I had to put up with last year.

A reflection on Calvert

I'm free!!!

The past few weeks have been pretty hairy.  It was an absolute fight to the finish to get Calvert wrapped up for the year.  I have been keeping mum about Calvert because...well... it's complicated.  It is a sorta-like/hate relationship.  It is everything I despise about one-size-fits-all education, yet it's everything I like about keeping myself accountable and on track.  Which I did a HORRIBLE job at this year.  I can't drag three children, kicking and screaming all the way, on this road to intellectual enlightenment (ha!) if they continuously misplace their books, can never find their pencils, and not get the big picture of what this is all for in the first place.

What we did accomplish this year:

Jordan learned to take notes.  I learned that it is a good idea for me to teach the skill of note-taking.  He learned that turning in late assignments affects your grade.  I learned that I hate having to scan in assignments at 11:59 pm to make the midnight deadline.  He learned that writing isn't so bad.  In fact, Jordan realized that he loved writing.  I learned that Jordan had actually been listening to me for the past eight years every time we approached writing, composition, grammar and so forth - because his 'voice' in his writing is fantastic and he really knows how to construct a good sentence.  Sentence diagramming is difficult and makes us both tear our hair out.  (The geek in me though secretly loves it). NaNoWriMo, assigned by his Calvert teacher, was especially helpful in drawing out his writing voice.  Writing a short story was something I would never in a million years have asked him to do, and yet it was because of Calvert that we both made this discovery!   He learned algebra.  I learned that I still remember algebra. (happy dance)  Jordan learned how to type faster.  falls out of chair laughing.  He went from 25 wpm to an astounding 29 wpm! Jordan earned his 8th grade diploma, and will be moving on to public high school next year.

Rylan learned that dropping your pencil on the floor 518,397 times a day does not get you out of your schoolwork.  She learned how to spell 'people' and 'because'.  Rylan learned multiplication, just don't ask her to do it at anytime other than when she is in the mood.  Which is never.  Rylan learned to contort her body into 37 different pretzel shapes while sitting in her chair, all of which face away from the desk, and coincidentally, away from her schoolwork.  Rylan read two novels this year - and has quite the reading pile for the summer.  She also took an avid interest in ASL, after reading a short story in her reading anthology about a deaf boy going to a concert.  I may need to pursue this for her.  Rylan loved her online teacher and her classmates, so she wants to do this all over again next year.  The social bits, of course.  NOT the schoolwork.  

Owen learned to read.  This accomplishment alone is what kept me going through the darkest of schooling hours this year.  Several times in the past couple of weeks, he has read signs around town, carefully sounding things out.  This makes my heart sing.  He loves his online teacher, his class, and anything to do with math.  He has learned to like holding a pencil, and writing with it.  (just a little).  He loves to draw and paint.  He is more than willing to sit down and do schoolwork, as long as it doesn't interfere with his Minecraft or lego building time.  Which is never.  Which is why I can't ever get him to work with me for longer than 2 minutes without a fight.

This year has been full of tears, lots of yelling on everyone's parts, lots of high-fives, cajoling, swearing (under my breath), deal-making, begging, pleading, a-ha moments... unfortunately the bad is far out-weighing the good.  It's partly the program and partly me.  I've been lax, lazy, disinterested, and fighting my own battles.  The spillover has not been pretty.  Some serious soul-searching needs to take place this summer about what the next step will be.

All I know is that this is not how I envisioned how our homeschool experience would go.  Eight years into this journey, my (our) primary purpose has always been and always will be to put childhood first.  Play (and not the screen type) has as much - if not more importance in shaping a child's mind, than worksheets, descriptive paragraphs and addition problems.  I don't like the complicated, regimented, competitive and petty environment of public schools - in the younger grades, especially.  At the high school level, these social stepladders do have *some* merit, I suppose, when it comes to beginning to discover who you are and what you are made of.  I also know that these lessons don't only happen within the confines of a classroom.

The work Calvert requires of the kids is not inspiring, with the exception of Jordan's reading curriculum.  Hands down, that was fabulous stuff that has helped us cover so much literary knowledge this year.  Otherwise, the caliber of the rest of the curriculum is... meh.  I am pretty disappointed, actually.  It was actually painful to shelve all of our tried-and-true stuff last year when it came time to unbox the Calvert books after they arrived.  Throughout the entire school year I constantly found myself referring back to our other curriculum for this and that, because it was just so much better.  I am confident in Jordan's abilities because of what we used in the past.  Jordan has been the model student all these years, as we have traveled this homeschooling route.  He's done the work when asked and without question, and performs very well when the time comes to assess his knowledge and skills.  The younger three kids have so many issues I don't even know where to begin.  In reflecting on their behavior this past year, a lot of it comes down to a sense of entitlement that they have.  They feel that they are entitled to their free time, so schoolwork has become a secondary, painful experience for them - and having very boring, worksheet-style learning as the primary source of instruction is NOT helping that situation.

So I have a lot of thinking to do.  I'm doing some major decompressing at the moment, which is good for me.  Our calendar is completely blank, with the exception of a weekly violin lessons and the occasional field trip.  I'm not even having the kids do swim lessons.  I can tell I am feeling more than a little shell-shocked from the stress of this school year.  This is a huge sign for me that maaaaaybe Calvert isn't the best fit for us.

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

To read more entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

So I guess the holidays are here...

I am beginning to really resent our slave-like Calvert school schedule.  It is ridiculous that I constantly have my eyeballs glued to a planner, yet it never dawns on me what day it really is.  To me, it's just Lesson Day 62, and Jordan is currently slogging though Day 32, Rylan Day 46, and Owen Day 53.  I live and breathe the mantra, How much can we get done today in the never-ending effort to get caught up, instead of noticing that fall has happened, Halloween has happened, Thanksgiving has happened, and HELLO? Christmas is just around the corner??  This curriculum is robbing us of quite a lot.  :(

Fall has happened.

We did enjoy the fall - in a very limited way.  A few leaf walks, a visit to an apple orchard, a hike, the pumpkin patch, Trick-or-Treating on Halloween, leaf raking...  It was all crammed in and between everything else that makes the fall crazy - scout popcorn, scouting for food, Fall Camporee, (all compounded by adding Owen to the family scouting roster), Nutcracker practices, Lego...  I don't like leaving seasonal and family rituals out of the schedule and then fitting them in where we can.  There is no downtime, no spontaneity, and by Thanksgiving we are exhausted.

Thanksgiving has happened.

Thanksgiving was supposed to be spent at home in CO this year, but a schedule switch had to be made in order to accommodate a family trip to CA over New Years, so we went to OKC for Thanksgiving instead of Christmas, so that we wouldn't have two big trips just days apart.  It actually worked out really well.  We had a very good week in OKC, beginning with a family get-together the evening we arrived, which was great since that gave us a chance to see everyone - including our newest grandniece, now 9 months old.  Since this year is the 'off year', in which all the families would be spending the holiday with their inlaws, we knew that our Thanksgiving would be just our family and Dean's folks.  Eight of us.  Can I just say how wonderful that was?  Don't get me wrong - I love the whole family get-togethers and all, but for this wallflower, a small, intimate dinner with 'just us', was wonderful.  In addition, this was not Jordan's scheduled holiday visitation with his mom, so he got to spend the week with us  - and more importantly his grandparents, although we did agree that he could spend the night on Thanksgiving and most of Friday with his mom.  He flies out to OKC in just a few more days, and will spend two weeks with her during Christmas.

Back to the actual event - there was no stress in cooking, no stress in traveling anywhere, no stress of a houseful of people, no stress in clean up.. there was just no stress at all!  I didn't know what to do with myself in a nonstressed state.  So I knitted.  That stressed me out, so I felt better.  My MIL handled the turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole and mashed potatoes, and I made the rolls, sweet potatoes and gravy.  This was the first time - EVER - that Jordan had the quintessential childhood experience of waking up to the smell of roasting turkey.  For 14 years that child has had to wait for that... a shame!  I have only roasted a turkey once, (last Christmas??) and that was during the day, and I can't remember if he was here or not - he may have been with his mom, who doesn't cook.  Every other holiday in which turkey is involved, the roasting happened at a house he was traveling to, so he never experience that wonderful smell that weaves its way into your dreams and wakes you up at 5:30 a.m. with a growling stomach!  So glad he was with us.

Christmas is happening.

It is now the 10th, and all we have managed to do is drag the tree up from the basement last night, and untangle the lights.  That's it.  Oh, and I put up the advent calendar.  And purchased a poinsettia and a wreath for the door.  I love, love to decorate, yet there is just no time! :(  I am in the process of clearing out about 500 curriculum books (no joke!) from the office shelves to put up my Santa and Nativity displays.  That is the safest spot for them, so every year the books have to be moved temporarily - which, as you can imagine, is a huge chore.  Especially when you have a bum knee.

I haven't even thought about Christmas presents.  At all.

We are leaving for CA in about two weeks.  I haven't thought about that either.  Other than to think about temporary pet placement.

All that is on my mind (apart from stupid schoolwork) is the Nutcracker.  After this weekend, it will be over.  This is Rylan's third year performing in her dance academy's production, and it is the fourth year they have been putting it on.  It is a 'smaller' performance overall when compared to others - the music has been edited for length, the set is more scaled back and it is performed in a high school auditorium, but it does seem to get bigger in scope every year.  This year Rylan is dancing as a Gingerbread and as a butterfly during the Waltz of the Flowers.  Dean and I are once again performing in the party scene.  We are the 'parents' of four, including two very naughty boys, so we get to do a lot of 'scolding' during the party.  Good times.  No different from our daily life.  I spent a very stressful week last week altering my dress so that it looked more 'festive' and period-appropriate.  I will post pictures eventually.  I'm not happy with it, but it will have to do.  We performed last Friday at a different high school for some elementary kiddos, and then we perform twice this coming Saturday.  It will be a long nine hours at the theater.  Last year I was freaked out by it all.  This year I am surprisingly calm.

The CSB

I'm afraid I don't exactly *love* Calvert anymore.  It's been a such a tough beginning (this trimester), as we have pushed on and forward, yet falling ultimately further behind.  I know that things will drastically improve in December when several hours in our schedule will free up, and that is the hope that I am hanging on to - with all I've got.  I feel like a doofus for saying in the past that I wanted to be accountable to somebody, because that would help us stay on a schedule.  Our insane schedule has driven me to drinking (coffee - and tons of it) and constantly updating vast spreadsheets I've made of assignments, due dates, pacing schedule and so forth.

1. I now officially hate being accountable to somebody.  I feel guilty if we take a half hour to ourselves and go to a park, or if I have to run an errand.  We're so behind it feels like every hour has potential to get just 'a little bit more' done, so we have minimal contact with the outside world (doing stuff that is fun, and stuff that we want to do).  I hate to admit that this accountability has been good for us, because we have accomplished more schoolwork already than we accomplished all of last year.  I just don't like losing so much of our freedom.  The freedom to make your own schedule is a big part of what homeschooling is all about.

2.  I am no longer okay with somebody else picking out our curriculum.  In the past week it was suggested in Owen's Kindergarten curriculum that I reread a story about a walk a child takes with fuzzy farm animals no less than 10 times.  10 TIMES.  It was to be reread during each lesson - and discussed ad nauseam - for 5 lessons in a row.  Yes, each rereading used a different approach or covered a different aspect of the story (predicting, color of animals, fur/feathers/scales, sentence structure, blah blah blah)  Owen was ready to poke his eyes out with his big yellow pencil.  Rylan just completed the most horrific math chapter on bar modeling.  She is a whiz with three digit addition with carrying, three digit subtraction with borrowing - done the traditional way, and then they throw this crap at her.  I HATE SINGAPORE. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.  I've been standing before my schoolbook cases - now covered in dust - looking longingly at the awesome curriculum we had to shelve when Calvert came along.  History of Us, Story of the World, R.E.A.L. Science 4 Kids, Shurley English, All About Spelling, Meet the Masters, Wordly Wise 3000.... so sad.  so so sad.  There just isn't time, and it breaks my heart, because this was good stuff.  I've got to find a way to work it in, or substitute things, or...something.  Something!

I am pretty sure I will not pull the plug here mid-year, but I am undecided if we will continue with Calvert next year.  I constantly sit and fantasize about how I would take what I have learned about scheduling and pacing, and make it work with the curriculum that I want to use.  The other factor is that the kids do love their online class time - and there is no way to replicate that.  What to do, what to do, what to do...  uugh.  Sometimes I don't like being in charge.  Here we are at that stupid crossroads again - what if I make the wrong decision?  What if they fall even further behind?  Am I ruining them by keeping them home?

Homeschooling is not for the faint of heart.  You've got to be strong in your convictions because you will tested.  Constantly.  I am strong in that I want them home.  I could never surrender those Aha! moments of first words, first writing, first reading to another teacher.  Never.  I would never surrender them willingly to the social ladder of the classroom, the chaos of the lunchroom and playground, or the unrelenting schedule of homework, book reports, school functions and so forth.  I want them home so that their day can go at a reasonable pace, so that they can get adequate amounts of sunshine, playtime and downtime, so that they can go long in math and short in writing, or switch it if the mood arises, so that we can Google that question, YouTube that demonstration or build that next creation.  This I am strong in.

Where I am weak is how to go about it.  There is no ONE way - yes, I know that.  But our way over the past few years hasn't worked very well.  I'm weak in the execution of it all.  I'm weak in multi-tasking, delegating, time management - and with four kids that is a big liability.  My weak side has been winning lately.  First, I sabotaged our schedule by allowing Jordan and Rylan to do an activity that was clearly in conflict with school.  It has created a huge, huge problem, in fact.  I didn't factor in the time expense, the $$ cost to participate, the shuttling kids back and forth, the group snack headache and $$$$...  These are all things that I loathe about activities like this.  For Jordan, the reward does not even come close to the pain.  In fact, there has been damage done to relationships because he is so unhappy with his group.  For Rylan, the reward has been mostly worth it.  She has learned some new skills, made a new friend and looks forward to participating.  I am just too quick to agree to things.  I really need to sit down and work out the cost analysis before saying 'yes'.  I am also not managing our time very well.  Hours slip by without much to show for it, as I spend the time doing silly things like looking for lost items, going back to the store for forgotten things, shuttling kids back and forth to stuff, and making spreadsheets about how I should be spending my time.

All of this weakness has led to some not-so-good-things.  First of all, more than once I have woken in a cold sweat - certain that I forgot to pick up a kid from somewhere.  I have even got up, and gone to the kids' rooms to do a headcount to make sure everyone was accounted for.  There is just way too much picking up/dropping off going on, and every day is a different routine.  I check the calendar about 20 times a day because I am constantly afraid I am forgetting to do something or that I am late for something.  Panic attacks.  Daily, if not hourly panic attacks.  I panic about the schedule, the schoolwork, the house repairs, the towering stack of unopened mail (what is in there?), my knee rehab, two upcoming road trips... my heart races, my chest hurts and I think I am having a heart attack multiple times a day.  No joke.  There is also the crushing depression.  It's back, and with a vengeance.  I can't get anything done.  I am so overwhelmed, I can't care about the unopened mail, the unbalanced checkbook, the unfinished compositions, the dirty house, the child that is still having multiple 'accidents' a day, or even writing on here very much.  I don't have a clue about where to start.  I went to my doctor a few weeks back to ask for help, and I am back on an antidepressant.  This time I am trying out Prozac.  It is too low of a dose in my opinion, but it is a step in the right direction, and we'll up the dose next refill.  There has been some improvement, but the panic attacks have not stopped.  :(  I also think about where I was a year ago, vs. now.  I've gained nearly all of my weight back, due to lack of exercise because of my knee, and way more comfort/stress eating than I care to admit.  I know that the daily walking/running I was doing last year played a big part in keeping the depression at bay, and that I am soooo close to getting the all-clear to start walking daily, at least.

I think that this fall has just been particularly hard.  It's been a whole slew of a lot of little things that added all together made up the perfect clusterfuck stress bomb.  Let's just call that the CSB.  The new school 'thing', the hailstorm and the subsequent house and car repairs and the constant - daily! - meetings and phone calls with insurance agents, contractors, subs, shopping excursions and actual repair work, the knee surgery/rehab and the 30+ doctor appointments I've had since July, the insane activity schedule and so on, and so on, and so on...  I can't wait for December.  Even though Nutcracker craziness will be a part of the first half of December, that's okay.  We've actually really been enjoying that, for some reason that escapes me right now.

First impressions of the Calvert Curriculum

I will let my extended absence from my blog speak first and foremost as to how the whole ‘Calvert thing’ is going.  I have no time anymore, it seems.  I knew it going in that it would be a tough transition from how we used to do things, but I think there have also been some unintended consequences as well as some positive results as well.  Here are my impressions so far..

Attendance

Colorado Calvert is officially an online public school, so they have to take attendance.  For a homeschooler, the Colorado State Statute requires a minimum of 174 days, at 4 hours per day, for a total of 694 school hours per school year.  The state, of course, never checks that you actually met this.  The way a public school takes attendance is by counting heads every single school day.  (a fellow homeschooling friend jokes that she take attendance by noting if any of her boys have gone missing, lol...)  The way Calvert handles attendance is to require that the student do something called a checkpoint.  A checkpoint is a short 1-5 question review that covers the material taught in a particular subject that day.  In Jordan's case, a typical day means he has a checkpoint in each category that he worked on in that day's lesson: math, grammar, composition, reading comprehension, history, science.  As long as Jordan completes at least one checkpoint on a given day, he is marked 'present'.  The checkpoints are time-stamped.  We can do school on any day of the week, even on holidays, and if he completes a checkpoint that day, it is considered a day spent in school.  This is where online school gets brownie points for being flexible.  So far, attendance, with the exception of October Count has not been an issue for us, and it's that 'thing' I needed to hold my hand to the fire and keep me accountable, and hold my kids accountable too.

October Count

October Count is the God-forsaken day that the bean-counters in the Ed. Dept. devised to tie actual attendance to per-pupil funding.  If the child is present on that day, the school will get funding for that pupil for the year – something in the range of $7-8 K.  October Count for most public schoolers is on Oct. 1^st.  Parents get a slew of letters and emails in the weeks before reminding parents that only death should prevent their child from attending school that day.  Otherwise, they had better damn well show up.  I received much the same communication (in a much nicer tone), but because Calvert is an online school, their October Count window was from September 24^th to October 8^th.  I was in charge of making sure that each of my children completed a checkpoint, watched a video, attended class on class days, played a game and did an enrichment activity BY NOON, every. damn. day.  Only problem is, we unfortunately have scheduled activities most every morning that require us to be out of the house, so getting stuff done in time has taken just about every last ounce of sanity I had left.    I had never intended for these activities to be on the schedule in the first place, when I first signed up for Calvert.  I had made a strict personal rule: NOTHING ON THE ACTIVITY SCHEDULE BEFORE 3 PM.  I had visions of unrestricted mornings that required no rushing, yelling, searching for clean underwear or breakfast-in-a-baggie in the car just to get to some class or group activity on time.  That madness was reserved for kids that went to public school!  Well, that was the grand plan before I blew out my knee (which requires multiple daytime physical therapy sessions) and before I received a Lego practice schedule that meets for 4x a week in the mornings, (it used to be late afternoons).  L  It has been pretty ugly around here getting this October count requirement met.  Early mornings make for cranky kids.  Tight schedules to get kids where they need to be make for cranky moms.  The kids were doing checkpoints on half-finished lessons because it was 11:59 a.m. and we HAD to.  That is no way to get an education!  It’s not Calvert’s fault.  It’s the bureaucratic we-need-data bullshit I ran screaming away from 8 years ago.  Anyway – it is past October 8^th and I am celebrating.

Lessons

Each Calvert 'Lesson' equals a full day of school.  Each child's teaching manual contains a list of the subjects and activities to do for that day's lesson.  In Jordan's case, he has a list that rotates just a bit, adding in computer on this day, or switching back and forth between history and geography... so every lesson is not exactly the same lineup of stuff to do - which he and I both like.  I like that he can at least get part-way through a lesson, complete a couple of checkpoints to get his attendance logged for the day, and then we just pick right back up where he left off on the next day.  The only issue with this is that he is really supposed to be doing an entire lesson in one day.  We have a pacing guide that we are supposed to follow.  We are now significantly behind, but Jordan has made great personal strides in the past week or so, and is now getting through about 80-90% of a lesson in a day.  He’s almost there!  

Rylan has the same lesson line-up, except there is one major annoyance.  Her checkpoints, with the exception of math, have all been combined into one big one.  So even if we manage to do 5 of the 7 things she was supposed to cover, we can't do the checkpoint yet because we didn't finish.  So that day's attendance is screwed, unless we flub her answers and get to those activities we missed on the next day.  But, again, we are really supposed to do it all in one day.  It is Rylan's schedule that I am most concerned about because she is by far the busiest kid with her insane activity schedule.

Owen’s lessons are the easiest, but I have zero time to do any of the enrichment activities with him – which are the activities that make Kindergarten so awesome in the first place!  I don’t know how families with multiple kids in this program do it, I really don’t.  I am exhausted.  Each kid needs one-on-one, which means - after bouncing back and forth all day, about a 12 hour school day for me.  (not them..me.)  This includes taking what work we can in the car to fill whatever length of time we will be gone and so forth.  Every minute of every school day, somebody is working on something with me, unless I have made the blessed escape to physical therapy.  So far, this really sucks.

Math

Okay, no offense to any of you Singapore fans out there, but Calvert uses Singapore and we all hate it.  We have used MEP up till now, with Teaching Textbooks and Khan Academy as a resource.  Who ever heard of a 14 year old begging to do math 'the way we used to'?  I have!  I have no idea if I can pull some strings or not, but we can't do a whole year of this.  Singapore does such an awful job of presenting material (a short, difficult-to-understand paragraph) followed by a mind-numbing amount of repetition that calls for no variation or creativity....  MEP WE MISS YOU!  I am vowing right now that we are picking up with MEP again and carrying onward in our own way.  I can't do this to my kids.  Singapore will kill math for them, and I have been fighting like mad to keep the wonder and magic of math alive as they progress.

Reading

In Jordan's case, I am thrilled with the Language Arts component that Calvert offers.  He is learning so much with each lesson (which illuminates for me all the stuff I wasn't covering, but should have).  Jordan read Jack London's To Build a Fire during the first week. You know?  Of all the literature I read in Jr. High and High School, it was THAT short story that I remember.  Any time I tromped through the snow, I would think back to that story.  Jordan has a special appreciation for it since he has done the Klondike scout campout every year, and can personally identify with dealing with intense cold.  He is recognizing that literature does not take hold of you, unless you can make a personal connection with it.  He has also read a slew of short stories by various authors such as Edgar Allen Poe, Ray Bradbury and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.  He’s checked out a couple Sherlock Holmes mysteries at the library because he really likes that literary style in particular.  Bless him.

In Rylan's case, she uses a standard classroom reader.  I do like the activities associated with it, and there is some writing involved, which makes me happy.  The rest of her work is pretty standard, and sort of uninspiring, if you ask me.

With Owen, I am reading stories or poems to him and then we discuss them.  He is learning  his letters and sounds...finally.  This is all stuff he has been working on with Reading Eggs for the past year, but only now has he been willing to sit down and actually move a pencil around on paper.  Ever since we finally broke through that barrier, he is now a willing participant in coloring, writing, cutting and pasting.  He is a whiz with shapes and counting.

The Assignments

Not only do the kids do a checkpoint for their subjects, they also have work to turn in.  Each week the teachers post a list of assignments (that are a part of the regular lessons anyway) that are due.  I have to scan them, save them to a separate file folder for each kid, and then submit them.  The first couple of weeks were tough, because it was almost 20 files.  Now it is about 8-10 that I send in on a weekly basis.

The Teachers

I love Rylan’s and Owen’s teachers.  They are real pros at this, and have easily made a connection with the kids through the online classes.  Each kiddo has class twice a week – one is math and the other is language arts.  Owen’s class is about 20 minutes long.  He puts on headphones and talks part of the time.  His teacher has the ability to turn on each student’s mic as she chooses – that way they are not all talking at once and producing feedback.  So every now and then I will hear his voice pipe up with an answer to a question she asked.  It is the same way with Rylan’s classes.  Her classes last about 30 – 45 minutes.  Owen’s class is also interactive, so he can use the mouse to do different things on a work surface on the screen, when it is his turn.  I think that is really cool.  Jordan’s classes last about an hour, and they don’t chat via headphones, except in his small-group math enrichment class.  Jordan’s teacher is new this year and I can see that she is learning the ropes just as we are.  She is a very nice lady, but a bit reserved and hard to read.  Jordan likes her well enough, but there is not a personal connection yet.

The Fieldtrips

We have had two ‘fieldtrips’ so far.  The first was a school picnic that met the Friday before the first day of school.  The kids got to meet their teachers face-to-face for the first time, and meet any other students that came.  We had a good time.  Owen’s teacher gave him a pencil and a lucky penny, and you would have thought he had won the lottery.  Rylan’s teacher has a very lively personality and she took to her immediately.  Jordan joined a game of soccer with the older kids, within five minutes of arriving.

Our second ‘fieldtrip’ was a gathering at a library about a month after school started.  The kids split off into two groups – older and younger, and did literary activities for a couple of hours with their teachers.  They had a fun time and could now connect better with classmates since they had seen them online a few times.  Jordan made quite the connection with a girl, actually.  They now exchange multiple texts every day.  Unfortunately (for Jordan, not for us) she lives over an hour away.  They have been trying to figure out a way to meet up ever since the library gathering.  We’re suggesting the families meeting up for dinner or ice cream at some half-way point.  We’ll see…

The Backlash

Unfortunately, a stinging remark or two about making Calvert our chosen way to homeschool has been directed my way, and left their mark as I have incredibly thin skin when it comes to that type of thing.  Well, any type of criticism, really.  It’s bad enough that I already question absolutely everything I do as the right thing to do every second of the day.  There are definitely opinionated camps as what is the correct path to follow in regards to how organized you should be.  Homeschooling is starting to feel as lonely as ever.  I’m worried about my mental health with the amount of stress I am under to get the work done, and how the schedule leaves zero time to fit in anything that could be considered down time with the kids – like a play date or a nature walk.

So that is Calvert for us at this point in time…I’ll reassess in a few more weeks.  By that point both Lego and my physical therapy will be done, so we will have gained back some crucial daytime hours that are so negatively affecting us right now.  

The New School Room

The school room is finally finished and ready for sharing!

After negotiating with Dean for some more space, we decided to clear the front room to make a dedicated room for homeschool. (Surprisingly, even after 7 years of homeschooling, we never had a dedicated space to work in. We would either cram around a desk in the office, or the kitchen table, or spread out in the living room... it was never ideal.) Our supplies and books were never all together in the same place. The piano got moved to the living room (sorta sad about that because now that room looks and feels cramped), and Dean and Jordan's maker space was taken down and may be set up again in the basement. It was a problem anyway because the little boys would not leave the tools alone. With the room clear, in the two weeks before my knee surgery I painted the walls like a mad woman, completed an art project, we made a trip to Ikea and we hung up new window treatments. I am so excited with the results!! I have dreamed of this room for years...

Here is the before. This was a golden yellow paint. I loved this color... In the mornings, when the sunrise would light up this side of the house, it would just glow - not in an irritating way..more like a soft glow, like warm baked bread. I remember picking out this paint. I was newly single, and picking out some chairs at LazyBoy. This yellow was used in the showroom in a little family room setting, and I just knew I had to have it. I got the paint (Benjamin Moore), and painted some rooms this color, and chose a softer yellow for other walls. Over the years, it got a bit dingy. Well, a lot dingy. I had also unfortunately used a flat paint, so I couldn't scrub pencil, marker, greasy hand prints or anything else off of it. By painting day, I was overjoyed to see it go. I was also excited that the very ugly brass light fixture that illuminated *nothing* was on its way out the door as well.

Here is the after...

I have True Confessions of a Homeschooler to thank for the inspiration for the desk. Had our bank account been able to take the full hit, we would have done the four separate drawer units as well, but....in using it for the past few weeks as it is right now, I like the airiness of it just being the table, alone. We made the trip to Ikea in late July, making a day of it. We purchased the following items:

2 Linnmon table tops, in white, with soft green trim around the edges
8 Adils table legs, in silver
3 Jules Jr chairs, two in white, one in pink ;)
1 Vilgot Swivel chair, in black, for Jordan
1 KNAPPA pendant lamp, 2 spotlights and the Sanda track

I love the black chair as it is super-comfy. I am buying another one for me, in fact, tomorrow, as we will be driving right by Ikea on our way to a school picnic. The one in the pic is Jordan's, the other three are for the little kids. The table tops are terrific. In the past few weeks they have been subjected to pencil, crayon, acrylic paint, ModPodge, Elmer's Glue and cat puke. It all cleaned up beautifully. Mr. Clean's Magic Eraser is your best friend.

We love the new light. I affectionately call it the Giant Cauliflower. It took some considerable dexterity to put it together, but it puts out a ton of soft light on the work surface below. Here is a pic I took at night... The light looks like it is glaringly bright, but that is just the way the picture turned out - but look at how well it illuminates the entire table! The table measures 5' x 5', so it is a pretty big surface.

This is my pride and joy. I first encountered an alphabet wall very similar to this in our pediatrician's office about three years ago.  Ever since I saw it, I wanted to make one for our home, but there was never the appropriate wall space for it. It does take a serious amount of wall space. When this room came to fruition, I thought it would be the perfect place for it. Most of the letters came from Hobby Lobby, the rest from Michael's, and the plate from Target. It took about three solid days of shopping, designing, painting and so forth to finish it. Some letters were as-is, but most of them were embellished in some way. It was hard to get a good shot of the wall from straight-on because of Giant Cauliflower, but here it is. I think my favorite is the letter "B". It is a fancy box from Michael's that is in the shape of a Book, with Butterflies on it. I painted a wooden letter B, in Black, and glued it on. :)

Alphabet Wall Art

This bookcase was built many years ago, and had been banished to the garage a couple years back. I painted it with a fresh coat of white paint, and it lives to see another day! The math manipulatives, which have  lived forever in two large wicker baskets, are now properly sorted and easy to find in their new containers, from the Container Store. LOVE that place, and they were a nice price, too! The shelf next to it holds three stacks of Calvert teaching manuals, one for each kiddo. The other four shelves hold each kid's pile of school stuff.

And that's it! School is in session, and so far, so good. We had a lot of discussion about personal work habits before pulling this room together. Having one giant table won't work for everybody, as some kids need their space. We addressed the needs and concerns for each kiddo.  No, we don't all sit around this table and slog away in our work for hours and hours until it's done. I think over the past week we maybe spent a grand total of 1 hour all sitting at the same space.  During the day the kids come and go as they rotate turns working with me, and it's nice to have such a large table surface to push some work to the side, and pull another pile closer and spread out. Calvert is especially manual-heavy, so I may be managing four different books at one time - plus the kid's stuff!

Many, many thanks to my husband for putting the tables and chairs together and installing the new lights.  The kids helped with the chairs, each getting a turn putting their own chair together.  I feel very, very fortunate to have this space for us to work in. :)

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