I am almost over the worst of the flu/bronchitis. The cough has changed from wet to dry. It's the annoying dry cough that sends me over the edge into choking fits and sometimes I have to throw up. The kind of cough that prevents me from going anywhere because it is too embarrassing and risky. I'm tired, but will have fits of energy followed by a bout of dizzy lightheadedness. If a room is too hot and stuffy I want to lay down because it hurts to breathe.
My bad thoughts aren't about being sick, though (although I am still upset at how much an illness sets the entire family back). It's the damn springtime. Every year the same thing.... Springtime should be a great time. The sunshine, the birdsong, the budding plants...blah, blah, blah. For me it just brings about a sadness that is a monster to deal with. Every season it gets better for sure, but it still rears it's ugly head. This year it arrived in JANUARY. February was actually decent - it was busy with birthdays and Valentine's Day... but March and April are by far the worst. Every cell in my body associates this time of year with sad feelings - it is like it permeates me.
I no longer directly relate the springtime to thoughts about why I hate the month of April. It's been eight years, now, so please don't think I am still harping on that. But it is a general feeling of sadness that I just can't shake. It's a deep-rooted disappointment in myself and the feeling that I have let everybody down. It's a feeling like I haven't a friend in the world. It's silly, I know, but it's there. I am quick to cry, quick to anger and I yell. A lot. I hate myself and the way I behave this time of year.
I do try to mitigate the ups and downs. I avoid the news as much as I can. Sad stories and hardships send me over the edge. The recent news story of the father in Afghanistan who just lost eleven members of his family because of the American serviceman who gunned them down - a father himself, on his fourth tour of duty? That whole situation just stinks. I'm sad for everyone. I listen to a story like that and I am sad for days. I just read on a friend's blog that she has stage 3 breast cancer. I'm devastated for her - yet I can't even bring myself to write her just yet. I'm too sad. So I have to avoid the news (which is hard because I am an NPR junkie), I have to avoid reading blogs that are about personal stuff - even good news for other friends affects me - then I am even more prone to think that something is wrong with me.
I've decided that I should avoid making any long-term decisions during the months of Jan-April - simply because I'm under too much self-imposed emotional strain. I've been known to say "I quit!!" More than once, during this time period. Handling my emotions has been such a battle for the past eight years. My husband is a saint for weathering it, year after year. Awareness of the problem is, of course, the first step. The next step is to do my best to spare the rest of the world of my sporadic bouts of manical behavior. I've done a terrible job of that so far this year. Terrible. So, the best thing for me to do is closely monitor my emotions, and write only on the good days, and avoid the computer on the bad ones - hence, radio silence.
Silence can also mean that I am busy. Or that Colin will not give me a moment's peace to sit and write. Or (is it really possible??), that I have nothing interesting to say at the moment.
Nah....
