I had a crappy weekend.
Like, really crappy.
Events in the dramatic lives of that of our homeschool community - our email list of families we know and love, and of families we have never, ever met except through words on the computer screen - took a real nose dive early in the day on Friday. And...well, I was as deep in the fray as you can get.
Here is the gist:
Over a month ago, a lady I've never met comes up with an' issue' that is really a non-issue.
Others on the list chime in, and now they've hopped on the bandwagon too.
Really - it's a non-issue. We solved this non-issue two years ago. I remind them of this, because it is my job, as Secretary, to keep tabs on the happenings of our group.
They all proceed to ignore me.
I spend a few hours of time I don't really have to explore this non-issue further.
I share my findings, they all still ignore the facts, but they want a meeting.
I reserve a space, outline the procedures for the meeting (after researching what they are) and announce the meeting - again, not because I am a busybody, but because it is my job. This, again, takes hours of time I don't really have, but I did volunteer for this gig.
The day of the meeting, the lady who wanted the meeting alludes to the fact that she will not be attending, and asks who can be her proxy.
She gets an immediate response, but sends her stuff to someone else.
The meeting time arrives. Eleven people from our group of 120 families show up. Really.
We have great discussion for two solid hours.
We never really to do hear what this lady had to say, because of technical difficulty with a smart phone. Nobody's fault...
Not surprisingly, everybody at the meeting agrees that this really is a non-issue, and we table the discussion.
Meeting results are announced the next morning by somebody else.
The lady immediately flies off the handle, and accuses the attendees of the meeting of making rogue decisions without input, and that we voted out of fear of the issue that is a non-issue. She uses some pretty bold language to make her point.
What would you say? How would you feel?
Here are my feelings at that precise moment I read her email...
I spent HOURS of my time researching in preparation for this meeting, this meeting that this lady wanted to have, and she didn't even have the courtesy to show up, or at least offer an explanation before the fact.
A few other individuals spent hours of their time as well.
What this lady said felt exactly like a slap in the face.
This group is the most ungrateful bunch of whiners on the planet.
I have given sooo many hours of my time, on behalf of this group over the years, and it really, really sucks that so few people are willing to share to load.
This lady just hit every last nerve in precisely the right spot to provoke an immediate response from me.
So I responded. I called her on her choice of words, I reminded her that people put a lot of time into this discussion - a discussion she didn't even bother to attend - and that all who were in attendance made the kinds of decisions we did based on the information we had at that moment, and that no VOTE had been made - just an agreement to form a committee to look into this issue that is a non-issue further. I've been one of the moderators for this email group for a long time, and have handled many a blow up. I am blunt when need be, but not mean. My concern has always been that our discussions be civil, but not personal, because we are a community, first and foremost.
Her response? The most pathetic passive-aggressive response you can imagine. Complete with terminology like" I'll crawl back under the rock from whence I came". I did not attack this lady. I called her on her choice of words. I called her on her assumption that others would be doing the work.
I send a message right back - not giving her the attention her words are craving for - but letting her know that we are a community, and her opinions are of equal value to everyone else's, and if she still wants to share them, join the committee!
A friend immediately responds privately to me with kind words, as she knows exactly how sensitive I am to this kind of thing. It helped.
Another 'friend' immediately responds privately that my email was too long and attacking, that I should have let '__' respond instead, and that I should now be quiet and let others 'sweep up the mess'. My thoughts? Not fit to print here, I'm afraid.
I see two other friends in person a couple of hours after this all began. They both thought that what I said had to be said, and that I said it just fine.
And then more time passes, more emails are written on the thread (not by me), and then the paranoia sets in. I begin to second-guess myself. I begin to think that my friends are just being nice, but that they don't really know how to tell me that I am actually a real bitch when these list blow-ups happen, and that I don't really handle it well. Ever.
Yeah... deep paranoia. Now I am the one crawling into a hole. And that is where I have been all weekend, in a deep, dark hole feeling like everybody just puts up with me but doesn't actually like me very much. I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking - and the things I have come across have all spoken to me in a different way.
A blog post about what our calendar really says about us...
My calendar says that I prioritize time spent doing things for our homeschool group and our girl scout troop way too much. It also says that Rylan has too many activities - but she doesn't seem to think so.
An article detailing the experiences of Rachel Canning, an innocent woman mistaken for another Rachel Canning, an 18 yr old girl suing her parents for college tuition, in regards to strangers engaging in cyberbulling.
This quote stuck with me: "It's really shocking how bold people can be when they're behind a computer screen,"
Ouch. And the truth is - its true! When you are behind a computer screen, writing to somebody you have never had personal contact with, it IS shocking the things you can say.
I don't want to be this person anymore. I don't want to be the person that tells other adults how to behave. The type A in me will never bring other people in line to my liking, and why - oh why- does it matter so much to me in the first place? Why am I more concerned about some other lady's issues than with the fact that my six year old still struggles with identifying all the letters of the alphabet? Where the hell are my priorities? I don't know..
Here is one more thing that got me thinking. It's a song by The Alternate Routes, Nothing More. I've listened to it, over and over this past weekend. Here are some of the lyrics... It is the last line that sticks with me the most. I think it pretty much sums up my emotional well-being for the past ten years, actually.
To be humble, to be kind.
It is the giving of the peace in your mind.
To a stranger, To a friend
To give in such a way that has no end.
We are Love
We are One
We are how we treat each other when the day is done.
We are Peace
We are War
We are how we treat each other and Nothing More
To be bold, to be brave.
It is the thinking that the heart can still be saved
And the darkness can come quick
The danger's in the anger and the hanging on to it.
I am an angry person. I get angry when I want to resolve a situation that I know I can't control. I get angry when it's really sadness and fear I feel. I get angry when I don't know what my role is. I get angry when I feel apart, separate. I get angry when I feel overwhelmed. I get angry when I feel hurt, or frustrated. Anger is my go-to emotion. I guess I feel a little too comfortable there, since I spend so much time feeling this way.
Anger shortens friendships.
Anger shortens just about everything, really.
I don't want to be the person I am anymore, when the day is done. I rarely feel good about my day when it's over. I am usually listing my regrets, playing that endless negative loop in my head of what a terrible person I am.
I will be holding that first verse in my mind, repeating it over and over, in the hopes that I can remember to do better before I say or do something I will later regret - or at least wish I had handled it differently. Changing the things in my life that aren't working is one thing, but changing a major personality flaw is a whole other deal.
The first step is always admitting you have a problem.
