I just finished reading Swapping Lives, by Jane Green. It was the book pick for this month in my Mommy Bookclub. (not our official name, I just call us that because we all initially got together (four years ago this September) on an online forum for Northern Colorado moms). Intended as a light summer read for the season, I would say that this book really stirred up some intense introspection for me - unlike any book I have read in awhile. Yet- given the gist of the story, not for the reasons you might think.
The premise of the story is that a single, thirty-five year old English journalist (Vicky), buzzing about the London social scene, craves a different life. She longs to be married to an attentive husband and have kids, a large dog and a large fancy house in the country. With no prospects on the horizon, a plan develops where she will trade places (swap lives) with another woman for a period of one month. Vicky will trade her fun-filled single life with Amber (a desperate suburban housewife), who craves to be reminded of what it is like to be single again (or at least have a break from family life), and find the answers to what she is looking for.
IMPORTANT! No - I do not wish for a break from family life. I don't wish to have my career back. And I most certainly do not wish to be single again.
My introspection comes from other food-for-thought throughout the book. Do I like having a busy suburban social life? Do I really care about clothing and accessories? Do I miss the freedom (from before kids) to go out and about with friends and do whatever?
Social life. I certainly don't have the kind of social life that is mentioned in the book. No league or charity luncheons, jewelry shows or yoga classes and shopping trips. I do have a busy life, but it is more centered around activities for the kids - with the grown-up socializing happening around the fringe. We go to the park to meet with other homeschoolers during the week, and the moms get to socialize there. Lucky for me, there is no sense of competition here. No one is checking out what anyone else is wearing, not a trace of make up is to be found, and most every one's hair is in a messy ponytail. Perfect. If there is any envy at all, it is in the food. The kid's lunches to be more precise. I envy the moms that have a vast array of fruits and vegetables all washed, diced, and ready to go. Organic everything. (Okay, I don't envy that... I have my limits. Or rather, my budget does...) But, I suppose there are lots of sideways glances going on to check out what other kiddos are having for lunch. Do I like being so busy? No. I struggle with how to fit it all in on a daily basis. The schooling portion of our day always seems to get the short end of the stick.
Clothing. Up until maybe a few months ago, I had no idea what Jimmy Choos were. Shoes that cost that as much as my monthly mortgage are not attractive to me. Chic lit that is all about fashion (clothing, shoes, handbags, etc...) is just not an enjoyable read for me because it is absolutely foreign to me. So yes, that part of this book I did not like... Some readers might think of it as a nice escape or a way to dream. For me, I grew up always being just a couple steps behind with what was in style, so clothing has never been my thing because I felt like a dork. The Sears catalogue defined my elementary years, my dad's old shirts defined Jr. High, and High school was what I could afford at the mall, given my pooled resources of what I earned and a clothing budget from my mom. My closet was not exactly brimming. As time went on, and I was on my own, I shopped Land's End and LL Bean almost exclusively. I liked the soft cottons, the beautiful simplicity, and the suggestion that I could go on a hike and shop at the farmer's market and not even have to change. In fact, a good portion of my closet still contains those pieces - a good testament to how well made they are. Nowadays, I spend most of the clothing budget on the kids. I think I may only buy one or two things for me a year - the exception being when I was pregnant - and that whole wardrobe was used three times over! I hate jean shopping the most. I have one pair - and they don't fit very well at all. Post-pregnancy has not been kind to me, and I have a very complicated shape to fit. I absolutely refuse to spend more than $50 on a pair of jeans. I also can't stand the jean styles that are in fashion right now. At least I cannot stand them on me. Also, I would need the whole ensemble to make them work - the right tops, the right shoes (the right figure), and that is where I get pissed off. Clothing should not have to be that complicated. And then there is the time it takes to find the right outfit. I don't have that time. Clothing shopping with the kids is an absolute joke. Forget trying anything on - just grab the hanger and hope it fits.
Accessories. I am a sucker for organization - so I will admit that I am a sucker for purses. I am also very, very picky. My husband made the mistake of offering to take me shopping for one as a birthday present a couple of years ago. After an hour of searching, I gave up. Everything was too big, chunky, shiny, or just plain ugly. About a year ago I came across a Miche handbag display at a local teacher's supply store (of all places). I was smitten. But I couldn't justify spending $$ on myself when we had workbooks to buy. I finally made the purchase a few months ago. I love it. And I have received so many compliments on it (which is an absolute first for me)- and I hope I have steered a few ladies towards purchasing one. They are great!! If you don't know what makes them special, it's that the outer shell is magnetic and therefore removable. So you can change the style of your purse by swapping shells in less that two seconds - without having to unload your purse.
As for other accessories - scarves, jewelry, belts.... um.... I never wear them? The kids would pull at the jewelry, and everything else just gets in the way.
Dinner parties, play dates and luncheons. We have attended just a handful of dinner parties in the time that we have been married. Having infants will do that to you. Going to dinner at a friend's house, who has small children as well, is the ideal scenario. It gets easier and easier as the children are getting older. I just wish we could do it more often! Play dates happen on occasion. In homeschooling circles - everyone else is doing the same thing (lessons), so sometimes getting kids together is tricky. It is also hard because we have four kids. Sometimes it is just Jordan, or Jordan and Rylan, but involving all four in a play date is a challenge. Parks are ideal for this reason. I know there is a lot going on socially in my circle of friends, (because Facebook tells me so...), but our dance card remains empty. This is largely my fault.
1. I am very shy and am terrible about calling up a friend to invite her and/or her kids to do something.
2. When a friend suggest that we need to get together for a play date, I fail to follow through. See number one for reason why.
3. I've been a yo-yo sickie for the past three months.
4. I have a hard time achieving balance in life - and schooling/housekeeping pressures prevent me from taking the social stuff more seriously.
5. We do get invited to a few things, but our busy schedule means that there is almost always a conflict. Once you say 'no', a second invite isn't always forth-coming.
So - back to my thoughts on the book. I liked that each woman experienced small epiphanies that their 'life' that they left behind for the sake of the experiment was, indeed, the one they wanted after all. The suburban mom felt that the most poignant self-realization was that she was no longer in control of her life. Her household help knew more about the day-to-day activities of the household than she did. She let the social-climbers of the community dictate what she cared about. I can identify with that. I often feel like I am not in control of my life - and am living in a way I don't really want to live. Running from one activity to the next (this June schedule is a perfect example of that), that I don't get to spend enough time with the kids (which I KNOW sounds ridiculous coming from a SAHM), and the unpredictability of each day frustrates all of us. It makes me really sad when I get to the end of the day, and I realize that I never sat down to just read a story to Rylan or Owen, that I never got down on the floor to play with Colin, or took the time to go down to the local pond with Jordan so that he could fish. And again, there is my failure to achieve balance. All I think about is the kids - I don't take the time to take care of me, or dedicate time to just 'be' with Dean. I've shelved a lot of my wants and needs for the sake of theirs. My 'homework' from my therapy session is to find a way to do this. No idea how, at the moment. Get back to me in a couple of years. Do I feel loss because I don't have a career anymore? No. That I am sure of. I do take the time to get books from the library that interest me - books that cover different aspects of the human condition (you can see this reflected in the books that I have completed so far this year) - and a lot of ideas are percolating in my head. I have always loved the social sciences - they were my favorite college classes. The suburban mom who gets the chance to go back to work and actually 'do' something? To feel part of the team? Yeah, I can identify with that. There is a bit of wistfulness there, but not much. My day will come, after the kids move on to their next phase in life. In the meantime, I get to fine tune what it is I actually want to do - plus the job market will change so much between now and then, anyway.
Did I always want to be a mom of four? A stay-at-home-mom? Homeschooling? uuummmm.... No.
Funny enough, when I was in my early twenties, I thought it would be exciting to move to a big city, and live in a high-rise apartment and have an office job. The access to shopping, cultural activities, restaurants... that could be really cool! But. I am an introvert at heart, and that whole scheme would never work for me. I would hate it.
My life (as it is now) didn't just happen. Choices, circumstances, events beyond my control all worked to shape it into what it is today. I love what my life has become, though. Even though (at times) I feel like we must resemble a herd of elephants on stampede whenever we enter a store, even though I constantly feel buried under piles of laundry, dirty dishes and unopened mail, I never pause to think that the grass might be greener somewhere else. If you want it to be greener where you are presently at - just fertilize it with the good stuff. Begin by taking the time to list what you appreciate about your present situation, what you need to change in order to make it better, and then follow through. Greener grass will most surely follow.
