Today I write...

I haven't been in the mood the write lately.  I can't really pinpoint any particular reason why, just that I didn't feel compelled to do so - which is kind of sad, since several significant events have passed by.  I have had plenty of weighty thoughts rolling around in my head, things I wanted to document and so forth, but the act of sitting down to write about it just didn't appeal.

Things got tough beginning in December.  My aunt Susie passed away unexpectedly - shortly after Thanksgiving.  I spent most of December in a state of numb shock.  About that time, Owen began to have some significant behavioral issues.  He was going through cycles of anxiety, OCD, angry outbursts and crying episodes on an hourly basis.  It was hard to keep up and know how to comfort him and calm him down.  It is hard enough to parent as it is, so it is a thousand times more difficult when you yourself have to really focus on relating to what the child is feeling and helping from that perspective.  It is a MILLION times worse when your child is dealing with anger, anxiety and depression, and you have to go 'there' to feel the very things you know can take you over the edge again.  I'm sure it is akin to an alcoholic passing a drink to a friend and catching a whiff of it.  I find it difficult to be around anyone struggling with their own demons - I am fragile enough myself that I feel I could lose any ground I've gained - each and every inch I've crawled away from the abyss.

So today I write because Owen is gaining ground.  Each day brings its own challenges and Owen has multiple meltdowns, but he also has a very good handle on describing his feelings and has shown, periodically, some effort in trying to manage them when things get intense.  Owen has begun psychiatric testing at the university.  I am anxious to see what the results will be.  He should be finished by next week, and then we will know where to go from there.  He has been seeing a therapist for the past several weeks as well.

So today I write.  I've experienced a small victory.  Yesterday's date has been a black mark on the calendar for the past twelve years now.  Yet, for the first time, it passed by as just. another. day.  I helped each little boy write that date on top of their schoolwork yesterday, and...it was just a date.  Owen struggled with what each number meant, and Colin struggled writing the number four.  Rylan was happy because it was a 'special day'.  I turned inward and smiled a wry smile - if she only knew....  To Rylan, 'special days' are dates that have numbers that repeat, like 2/2/16 for example.  So to her, 4/4/16 was really cool because 4 x 4 = 16.  To me, it was now just another day.  We did schoolwork.  We drove to my psychiatrist's office, and I had my routine appointment while the kids had lunch with Dean.  I didn't mention the date to my doctor - because it didn't even enter my mind.  (victory!)  

Today I write...after my appointment I joined Dean and the kids for the rest of lunch, Dean returned to work and the kids and I proceeded to the community pool, which was a reward that Owen had been doggedly working to reach by earning stars for working or sharing without fuss and argument.  On the way to the pool we passed by the cemetery where several of my relatives are buried.  The kids were commenting about how 'that place' must be full of bones.  Well that didn't sit well with me, so I detoured and drove the meandering road through the cemetery to the area where the headstones bear the names of my grandparents, great grandparents and great aunt and uncle.  I told the kids, "these aren't just bones....these were people.  People who were family members and friends that meant a lot to the living.  That is why they are here.  It is a way to honor them, and remember them".  It then occurred to me that I have no idea where the final resting place of my aunt is.  She was in a casket for the funeral, but it was my understanding that she was to be cremated after wards.  It is her mother and father that are my grandparents I mentioned, so I imagine her ashes are most likely in that cemetery.  Rylan commented on how she missed aunt Susie. I miss her too.  I still can't believe that she is gone.  Her two younger sisters, my SIL and my nephews are all in Ireland this week for Spring Break.  As they post pictures on Facebook, I periodically find myself wondering why Susie is not in the picture.  Aunt Susie and the other two have been collectively known as 'the aunties' for as long as I can remember.  The three of them did everything together.  It has been very difficult for all of us to come to terms with Susie's unexpected departure, but my other aunts have taken it especially hard.  I am glad that they have this week away to breathe a little and maybe take some comfort.

Today I write because spring is here and it is time for renewal.  I feel better emotionally than I have in a long, long time.  I know now that Owen has the resources and the help he needs.  I am proud of the way the family supported each other as we dealt with the stages of grief, and with the mundane task of dispersing a lifetime of possessions.  As I type this, I look out my window and see a metal decorative spinner, rotating gently in the morning breeze.  And I think of Susie, knowing that she once enjoyed looking at it as well.

Favoritism, Hail, Surgery and Flowers

 Favoritism

As per custom over the years, when Jordan arrives home from a stay with his mom in OK, he will eventually share some annoying and typically hurtful comment that his mom made in his presence - usually directed at either 'us' or 'me'.  This time it was about our switching to Calvert this coming school year.  We have enrolled in Colorado Calvert Academy, an online, virtual public school.  Calvert, for me, is all about the curriculum.  I have studied all of the grade levels (K-8) with a teacher's eye, lining up the scope and sequence with Colorado State Standards, and it makes me wish August were here already so we could start - that is how excited I am about it!  Calvert is not shy about letting parents know what the expectations are in the role they must play in this.  I am to expect that Jordan will have 5-6 hours of work per school day to slog through (count that as 7-8 for the distracted ADHD child), and I will need to be at his elbow for a significant part of it.  And not just Jordan, either.  There will also be Rylan and Owen to attend to.  Aaaaand to keep Colin from destroying the house in the process.  This also does not count the extras I fit in, like Nature Study, Lego League, chess club, swimming....   In Jordan's mom's eyes, this switch is because I have become lazy about homeschooling Jordan, and I want someone else to do it for me so I can spend more time with the other kids.  So I guess all of the children are getting the 'lazy treatment', because I don't show favoritism.  I. do. not. show. favoritism.  If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would in fact think quite the opposite.  My time and attention is predominantly spent with Jordan, because he is the oldest.  When you spent your entire day, day after day, surrounded by little kids, you crave any type of adult conversation you can find.  Poor Jordan has been my guinea pig.  As soon as he could sustain a conversation, we were talking.  We talk about everything under the sun - history, science, math, literature, religion, technology, child rearing, gardening.... and I think he enjoys it as much as I do, because he will recall many a conversation with me (several of which were prompted by the Core Knowledge reading for the day) and relate back to it in some way.

His mother's comments are serious button pushers for me.  I understand where they are coming from - she is no longer the principal parent, she feels threatened, she probably has a lot of anger and resentment, and I seem like the easy target.  That doesn't mean that these comments don't bother me.  They bother me a great deal.  The comments hurt my feelings and question my integrity.  Parenting a child should be a partnership, not a game of one-up-manship.  A child is a human being with feelings - not a piece of property.


Hail

We had a wicked hail storm late Tuesday night.  It went on for a very long time, and the average size was somewhere between a quarter and a golf ball.  Dean and I traveled from window to window, getting more and more excited as the hailstones grew in size.  This was the big one we have been hoping for!  The next morning revealed that the roof had taken its last stand (yay!), the window screens were shredded (yay!), the shutters on the front windows were cracked and even broken in places (meh), there are pits and dents in the garage door and trim (yay!), there are dents in the hood of the minivan (meh), the passenger side mirror is cracked (meh), and there are pits all over the fence.  We are still waiting for adjusters to look at house and car (State Farm - I am NOT impressed...), but we did have a roofer come out on Wednesday to have a look and I am pretty excited about the findings... ;)  Can't say much more than that at this point, but the house will be getting a makeover very, very soon.

Surgery

Yesterday I met with the surgeon I had picked out to do my knee surgery.  He has done the knees and shoulders of three of my relatives and several of Dean's coworkers, and they all sang very high praises.  He concurred that surgery needs to be done if I want to return to my favorite physical activities.  I guess there are people out there who elect not to do this because they don't want to go through the rehab.  An ACL replacement is not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it makes me sweat with fear thinking about it.  It is tough-going in the rehab department.  Like - really tough.  I am 42, and my age is affecting my prognosis.  I have elected to go with an autograft of my patellar tendon to replace the ACL.  This is the more difficult one to rehab - it will take longer and will be more painful.  It may mean that I can't ever quite get down on my knees again.  (thank goodness I don't have babies anymore, and don't expect my floors to look clean ever again).  I am choosing an autograft over an allograft (donation from a cadaver) because the thought of tissue rejection and infection scares me.  Plus, and I know this is weird, but the thought of someone elses' tissue in my body gives me the heebie-jeebies.  I know I would feel quite differently if the case were that I needed a new liver or something and couldn't live without a transplant, but in this case I just feel weird about it.  BUT - the fact that I am 42 means that being my own donor brings about other concerns.  My tendons are older, may not be as robust (too bad tendons aren't fatty tissue!  No problem there...), and may not give the best results. I've studied the outcomes and the percentages are not in my favor.  This is where I get scared.  What if I go through all of this and find out that my knee will still never be stable enough for skiing, hiking or running?  This instantly brings tears to my eyes.  I would be crushed.  Damn...

The surgery has tentatively been scheduled for July 31st.  I am to work very hard on my PT for the next three weeks to see if I can really improve my range of motion and strength.  He'll reassess at that time and decide whether or not that surgery date will work.  If I am not where I should be recovery-wise, the surgery will have to be pushed back.  Talk about pressure!  If the surgery gets pushed back, life will get seriously difficult - beyond difficult - if I can't drive by September.  I already have the mindset that we are taking off the month of August from absolutely everything, so that rehab is the only focus.  Then after August, I have 2-3 months of PT, twice to three times a week to look forward too.  Damn. Damn. Damn.  It will be difficult enough to launch a whole new curriculum and homeschooling rhythm, without throwing constant therapy appointments into the mix.  AAAGGHHH!  I hate stress.  :(

Flowers

As frustrating as this week was - although the hail was actually a good thing in our eyes - it was an act of kindness that helped sooth out the worries.  After I had arrived home with my appointment with the surgeon, the kids and I grabbed our rakes and cleaned up the mess left behind from the storm.  I had left it as-is in the hopes that an insurance adjuster would be along shortly to look at all the damage, but by Friday morning it was looking trashy, so I decided it was time to clean up.  As we were doing so, a van from a local greenhouse pulled up in front of our house.  At first I thought they were asking for directions.  Then I thought that maybe they were jumping out to help (lol...).  Nope - a guy and a girl hopped out and announced that they had been instructed to drive around and give away hanging flower baskets to any takers they could find, since the greenhouse had too many.  I was dumbfounded and so, so touched.  I think this was the owner's way of reaching out to those who had storm damage and give a little bit of happiness.  I called the company right away to express my heartfelt thanks.  I've got to remember in these tough and scary weeks ahead that I need to look for the good, and be thankful for what I do have.

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Moms' Night Out: A movie review

This past Saturday afternoon I joined a few of my homeschooling mom friends for a couple hours of fun and freedom to take in the movie 'Moms' Night Out'. I had seen the preview at the beginning of the month, and I was really looking forward to it because it looked like it was pretty funny, but not in a silly farce type of way. Luckily I went into the movie not knowing about the mixed reception it was getting in social media, because..

 

I LOVED it!

 

Social media and all the men (!) and women waving their feminist flags can shut the hell up, because this movie nailed it. What is 'it'? Why, it's the inner thoughts and life experiences of the stay-at-home-mom, or SAHM. The raw truth of how much it can suck yet be wonderful all at the same time hurt me in a way that is hard to describe, but it was a good kind of hurt. For once, up there on the big screen, was a woman who was so like me inside her head that it was pretty damn scary. Like, really scary.

I love my life. I really do. But the hard days can sometimes be too much. The child who you thought was potty trained has six separate accidents. And that's just in the morning. The child who insists on pouring his own cup of juice from the full gallon of apple juice. And misses. The dentist appointments, the realization of forgotten ballet shoes upon arrival at class, the child who refuses to go to bed, or get out of bed, pick up their wet towels, charge their phones, finish their math assignment, feed the cat, scrape up the mystery sticky stuff of the table or pick up their socks...from the middle of the backyard. The days when you can't find anything because there is just so much crap, everywhere. The laundry, the dishes, the unopened mail, the schoolwork, the ......just...everything....everything is behind, everything is in need of cleaning, feeding, or some sort of repair. And you have no idea where to start. Not a clue. It's two hours past bedtime and you have no strength left for the the fight. You just want to sink to the floor of a dark closet and cry into your bowl of ice cream. The ice cream you keep on hand for this very purpose, the ice cream that you hide in the back corner of the freezer, hidden inside some nondescript Tupperware. All you ever want is to just get slightly ahead. To be in the anticipatory stage instead of the reactionary. To be ahead - for just once. Just once.

This movie may have hit a nerve for some, but for those of us who are SAHMs - and we come in all sorts of varieties - this movie was a first in calling attention to our fears and needs, and elevating the role we play. We are important and we matter. Sure, we arrived at this station via different routes - some by choice and some not so much - but we are here, so let's support one another. Our job is not for the faint of heart.

 

I want to say a heartfelt thank you to the creative (homeschooled!) minds who put this movie and its message together...it was the laugh, the cry, the pat on the back that I needed.

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The week without screens...

Last Monday morning I abruptly announced that we would not be using screens for the entire week.  I collected the iDevices, stashed away all the remotes, warned Jordan that texting was not allowed (but allowed him to keep his phone on the kitchen counter) and made everybody sign a pledge.  I set some rules - the only screen time would be on the computer, doing school-related work.  (About 20% for the little kids, and 50% for Jordan), and Jordan could check his email three times a day.

Then, as the first half-hour passed by and wild-eyed kids- who were showing serious signs of withdrawal -roamed the house with dazed expressions, I sat everybody down and explained that we were doing this for our own good.  The devices were ruining school time.  They weren't playing together hardly at all anymore.  We needed to break some bad habits, and hours  - HOURS - spent TV watching weren't helping either.

Rylan seemed to suffer the least.  She is plenty happy with paints and paper, markers and paper, colored pencils and paper, stencils and paper, stickers and paper...  Just give the girl some paper.

Colin was in serious need of diversion.  He wandered aimlessly, and messed with everything he could think of.  He is used to having some loooong iPad sessions with videos he can watch from PBS Kids, or Reading Eggs or the kids' games.

Owen asked every half-day when they could have screens back.  He was sweet about it, but he just seemed 'lost' without my iPad and his Minecraft game.

Jordan took it the worst.  He took to sneaking "I AM SO BORED!" texts to his dad.  He got a reprieve from the no-screens rule on his birthday (the 9th), to play around with his new go-pro video thingy, he got to watch 'The Hobbit' that night with his dad after the other kids went to bed, and he got some gaming time with a friend that came over the next day/eve for birthday fun.  Despite that, he was by far the loudest complainer.  I caught him playing on the computer - using gaming headphones - early on Sunday morning (Mother's Day), when I came down to make some coffee.  He earned an extra SF day for that.  He also sat down multiple times all week, to "check his email', and was caught doing something else.  He claimed he was showing Rylan the website of the restaurant we were going to on his birthday.  coughbullshitcough.  Our whole family has been there multiple times.  His claims for needing 'to check something' were just getting ridiculous.  As far as teenage angst goes, his drama hit a high note yesterday when we informed him he had two extra days coming to him.  Tears.  Oh the tears!  His issues with screen time clearly dictate that he has an addiction problem.  It is to the exclusion of all else.  We could never follow the unschool route with him because he would never ever leave the gaming aside to fit in some learning.  I have some very real fears about how he will handle his addictive behavior in the future.  With him I know that he will always need something to occupy his time.  His ADHD makes it impossible for him to feel comfortable in an environment that is lacking outside stimuli.  I do know this, and I know that not all electronics are bad, but Jordan goes way beyond healthy levels of screen time on a daily basis.  Almost 85% of his interactions with friends occur over the computer.  That's just sad.

So the week wore on... they discovered Battleship, and Owen, our ever-resistant learner, learned some more letters and how to read coordinates on a grid.  Jordan plowed through the rest of Divergent, and got the next book in the trilogy - Insurgent, at the library on Wednesday, even though I knew he was getting it for his birthday from his friend on Saturday.  He finished it on Friday.  I don't think he absorbed hardly any of it though, so it is good that he owns his own copy of each book in the trilogy now.  The kids started playing again. They invented new things to do.  We cleaned and sorted the boys' bedroom.  Conversations in the car were happening again because they were now aware of stuff outside the car.  Before - even if it was a quick trip to the grocery store down the street, there was the immediate request to turn on the movie in the car.  yeah - this week was sorely needed.

Now, as for me?  Yes, I stayed off my one game that I have- Hay Day.  That was actually easy.  I stayed away from FB - with two exceptions - one was to share that Rylan and I are fundraising - for a 5K that I am running and a mile fun run that she is running - at the end of the month for the local pet shelter.  The other was to post about Jordan's birthday.  I didn't even post to my mom yesterday for Mother's Day.  (sorry mom).  So now I have a lot of catching up to do.  It was actually easy to stay away from FB.  So much of it is toxic these days.  I stayed away from the blog.  I stayed away from Flipboard (that is where my real addiction lies) and I stayed away from mindless surfing.

What I could not stay away from was email.  Damn email.  I hate email.  I had to make all of the final arrangements for Rylan's birthday party just this previous Saturday, arrange our last board meeting for the year (and bring an end to my duties - yay!), arrange the last meetings of the year for girl scouts (and bring an end to my duties - yay!), purchase the tickets for Jordan's birthday day at Elitch's, arrange Rylan's birthday gift surprise, google half a hundred things that I needed to know.... I spent a ridiculous amount on the computer this past week.  What a huge time suck.  

What I also noticed was how much I relied on the TV and iPad to occupy the kids and keep them out of my hair while I did stuff.  I am totally at fault for how much they were watching... :(

A very nice lesson for us all.  And the good thing - nobody has asked for any TV yet this morning...

The day when the child became the adult

 

 

We all work hard at this parenting gig, every single day.  Some days you get it right, and some days you don't.  We should all lift each other up, right?  But, then...what about when it gets personal?  Like when you share parenting duties between biological parents and step parents?  You pour as much of your brand of love and wisdom into a child, only to send them on to the other parent(s) who *just* doesn't quite see the world the same way.  I don't suffer in silence very well.  When there is a wrong, I've got to talk about it, and search my feelings for how to resolve it.

 

Jordan just had a very difficult weekend dealing with his mom (over the phone) about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving.  This is a routine that I have seen take place since the moment Jordan and his dad came into my life.  The couple of weeks leading up to visitation with his mother is always fraught with tension.  In Jordan's younger years, it was hyperactivity.  Promises made over the phone of the junk food and good times to come made those days practically unbearable.  His mind was already there, on vacation.  These days, it is quite different.  Instead of chomping at the bit to get there, Jordan is filled with anxiety, and dare I say...dread?  I will dare to say that.  I live with him.  I talk with him.  I see his moods change.  I hear him make plans about how he will spend his time there - and they are always accompanied by the remark - "So I don't go crazy with boredom because there is nothing else to do".  There is still junk food, but that lure worked on a small child.  There are still good times, but that lure pretty much revolves around getting to watch things on TV that he doesn't get to here, and he sees through that now.  And that is about it.  There is nothing else to look forward to on this upcoming visitation.  For a child with ADHD, the need for mental stimulation is crucial.  It has been a constant worry in the back of my mind that if he does not receive it, he will go looking for it.

Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going.  That is why we are all going.  Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks.  On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner.  His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too.  These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year.  He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth.  But he likes to see them - they are all fun people!  The problem is with Jordan's mom.  This is technically 'her time'.  In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else.  Did anybody mention it was a holiday?  A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit?  It only happens once a year?  It helps families connect and bond?  In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder.  Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I mean Jordan's fight.

Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing.  I'm a child of divorce too.  Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way.  We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable.  So my personal experience is shading my opinion here.  Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce.  Get over it.  You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives.  You have one child, and two families.  That is the reality.  It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time.  Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.

So let's explore that 'opinion'.  It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving.  Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday.  Why should this year be different?  So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit.  He got a flat 'no'.  No?  Really?  Why?

"(Stepdad) took the day off"  - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this.  Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household.  No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)

I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad.  Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature.  And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.

After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time.  It sounded something like this...

"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)

So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving.  We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone...  It was unbelievable.  A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing.  Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject.  He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family.  She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say.  It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own.  And you know how it ended?  She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.

What utter bullshit.  What a crappy way to treat your son.  What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth.  I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face.  She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do.  In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.

There is a silver lining here.  Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years.  There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child.  He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother.  He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age.  She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan.  I am super proud of him and how he handled himself.  A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.

So this brings me back to where I began.  I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so?  Absolutely!  The day I said "I do", he became mine too.  I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this?  Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this?   It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him.  He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day.  The mom that is angry with everybody?  Will she be depressed or manic today?  This is not how to show your son love or security!!  And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother.  He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms.  They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached.  He does not feel security.  Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist.  A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day.  A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.

One last thought.  Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever.  I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child.  He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them.  I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom.  That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride.  He really does knows how to handle himself.  Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this?  Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).







Simplicity Parenting: Filtering

 

 



Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and more Secure Kids
by Kim John Payne, M.Ed.



 

 

The Stress Bath

 

 

So... you're sitting in the parent's waiting area while you wait for your child to do their weekly XYZ class.  Or you are at the park.  Or you are at the library story time.  You are feeling good...happy with the world, even!  Then THAT parent shows up... you know the one...  The one who loves to rant and rave and worry about the current sensational news stories.  The one that is certain that all things plastic, Monsanto, Red dye #40 and non-gluten/dairy/sugar-free will kill you.  The one that is certain that she gets the raw deal.  The one that is the constant victim.  The constant complainer.  The one with the child that could do better in the world if they weren't unfairly victimized either.  You like this person well enough, but you consistently find that after you spend just five minutes listening to her, you feel depressed, worried and guilty.  You, my friend, have just been drenched in a Stress Bath. 

 

I came across this term, 'stress bath', in a chapter (see book above) that Dr. Payne wrote, about filtering out the adult world.  I love this term - he hit it right on the money.  That is exactly what it feels like.  You feel like you have been completely covered in doom and gloom.  It's icky.  You literally want to listen to a Raffi CD on endless repeat and shower yourself in glitter to take the edge off.  So much for enjoying yourself at any point in time for the rest of the day... now you are too worried about all the evils that are lurking anywhere and everywhere.

 

And it's not just the face-to-face conversations.  It's the friend that sends you every email attachment that describes every danger you may not be aware off.  It is your Facebook feed.  It is the variety of news apps, magazine articles, 20/20 episodes, the nightly news... we're all going to suffer some horrible malady unless we do "this" or "that".  Seriously.  Go to your Facebook feed and count up the negative postings vs. the positive ones for the past 24 hours.  Who wins?  The only negatives that don't really 'count' are the ones in which a friend shares a personal story of loss or sadness (not a story about a stranger that is supposed to tug at your heart...)  I think personal stories are important - that is how we maintain connections.

 

I am so totally guilty of posting the negatives.  Around election time, I was in a backlash 'zone' with the astounding number of vitriolic conservative postings that were filling my feed.  I got wise and just bounced a few of the offending 'friends' from my feed.  And there they remain...  Sometime after the beginning of this year I made a concerted effort to keep things on the positive side.  I've slipped many a time, but I am aware of the friends that do the same, and I am grateful for their little rays of sunshine that light up my feed here and there.  And then last night happened...  A few more 'friends' got bounced.  Something about the eve of Patriot Day made the Obama haters circle in a feeder frenzy on Facebook.  Implicating Obama with Bin Laden and 9-11?  Buh-bye.  Obama is going to destroy the nation by weighing his options with what to do with Syria?  Out you go.  I save my sanity and my mood by filtering out the vitriol.  I totally get that I need to embrace everyone's opinion and that there is real value in that...but the posts that insult our president just because it is some sort of bizarre form of entertainment..?  You aren't expressing anything other than you would rather 'share' than spend a couple more seconds rethinking about the message you are sending.

 

But I digress...This post is about filtering the messages we are exposing our kids to day after day - and very apropos on this day of remembrance of 9/11.  Children Learn What They Live.  If you spew forth constant negativity and victimization stories, your children will do the same.  If you are listening to or watching something in front of your kids, they are listening to.  I am an NPR junkie, but when I step back and listen to it from the young child's perspective, maybe they shouldn't be hearing about the horrors of what is happening in Syria.  Or in the House of Representatives.  Or on the streets of Boston.  That's when I turn it off.  And then there's TV - seeing the twin towers in flames, people screaming in the streets and so forth.  Older teens, who should know the history - yes, they should be keenly aware of worldly events.  But not young children.  They can't process it.  They see pictures of the terrorists, and learn to fear - even hate, without the distinction that not all the individuals that populate that part of the world are like that.  The constant barrage of fear, hate, fear, hate, fear, hate on any of the national news channels (seriously - spend just 5 minutes on FOX news - if you can stand it) equates the mother of all stress baths.  Do you know what that does to your psyche?  Let alone your children's psyche?

Do yourself a favor and switch it off - especially today.  Go for a walk, breathe deep and focus on the good - and don't forget to involve your children too.  Cultivate the more positive friendships in your life.  Listen to the news if you must - but when you are alone, or switch it off the second it takes a turn.  Get off Facebook - or at least weed out the friends who aren't very friendly after all.  Filter the messages that come to your eyes and ears - and your children's as well.  You will feel the difference.  Dr. Payne related a story in which the parents did that very thing - they turned if off.  And in a matter of days, their young son stopped having trouble at school, grew less and less agitated and stopped having nightmares.  You have to remember that even though you and your child listen to the same story on the news, you are processing it with different filters and prior experiences.



Simplicity Parenting: thoughts about scheduling

 

Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and more Secure Kids
by Kim John Payne, M.Ed.

 

 

I have just finished reading Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, M.Ed.  It has been a long, long time since a book has given me such excellent food for thought...and I highly, highly recommend that every parent read it and reflect on their own relationships with their kids, their stuff, their activities and so forth...   The author has an excellent website and blog.  Here is a link for blog posts dedicated to the subject of scheduling, and how to simplify the process.

 

Scheduling has been on my mind lately, as you will notice from the Crazy Busy posting a few days ago.  I read through the whole scheduling chapter in Simplicity Parenting, TWICE, yesterday, because I needed to know how to get off the CraZy Train.  Do I just jump?  Hang on the back and drag my feet for awhile?  Toss my luggage off, a few pieces at a time?  None of those sound appetizing...yet jumping provides the quickest, surest exit.

 

 

There were several important aspects to consider with scheduling, and one that I didn't really consider deeply until this book, was the point of taking a child's temperament in hand when devising a schedule that works for everybody.  Some children can do okay with really active days, others need a calm day beforehand, or afterwards or both.  Some children can handle only one thing per day or per week.  It just gets more complicated when you have multiple children and multiple temperaments.

 

The massive physical exodus from front yards and local parks have left children no place to congregate other than gymnastics class on Wednesday afternoons at 4pm., Library Story Time on Tuesday mornings at 10:30 am., Little League on Friday afternoons at 5pm, and Scout meetings on Monday evenings at 7pm., and about 50 billion different combinations of like activities.  The more, the better, for socialization and future preparedness, right?

 

One thing that the author touched on (and looks like has been expanded on in another book), is youth sports.  Kids begin classes, leagues, clinics, whathaveyou at increasingly young ages.  Because of this, kids typically peak out on interest at about age 11.  Beyond that age, the rate of dropping chosen sport increases with age.  By the age of 17, 90% of youth have quit.  At the age when they should be getting really REALLY good - maybe parlaying their skill into a college scholarship, they are quitting.   They have suffered repetitive stress injuries, they are burnt out and the fun is gone.

 

This is a bitter pill to swallow.  Rylan began karate when she was 4 1/2.  I confess that I was sitting there, right along with all of the other parents, gushing at how cute she looked in her little white gi, and feeling proud that our daughter yelled the loudest.  Honestly.  What 4 1/2 yr. old needs to know karate?  Oh yes  - they learn discipline.  They learn patience.  They learn a physical skill that will serve them well.  I've heard it, I've believed it, and it sounds great...on the surface.  But.  There are better places and more meaningful ways that a child can learn discipline and patience.  I don't think a 4 1/2 yr. old is really into thinking about the most effective way to disable a grown person.  There is huge discrepancy between a balance of emotional/physical maturity when karate would serve a person well, and when kids are actually allowed onto a mat and invited to start 'training'.  Don't get me wrong, there are all sorts of merits that I can attribute to karate, and it would be a great place for a teen to spend their time and energy in a positive and productive manner.  But I don't think it serves a younger child as well.  In the 2 1/2 years that Rylan has been doing karate, all I can say is that, yes, it boosted her self-confidence.  To the tune of $1,800 and 320 hours of time spent in that pursuit.  And that's just Rylan.  I need to hang on to my lunch, so I don't think I will run Jordan's numbers...  :(

 

The same net results could be said about soccer, baseball, peewee football, gymnastics... Doctors are reporting repetitive stress injuries in young players that were unheard of a decade ago.  Kids (and parents) push it to the extreme.  It is a society thing.  A parent living-out their-dream-through-their-children thing.  It is pressure to succeed.  Be the best, get the edge.  It leads to year-round practice and competition.  Summer and weekend clinics.  The kids never. get. a. break., and what do they really get out of it in the end?  They learn to be a team player??  By their rules or someone else's?  By engaging in play with other children they could get the same results, in a much more meaningful way.  They devise the game, they negotiate the rules, and adjust as they go.  And play is free! (minus the snacks and occasional Band-Aid)

 

So I am taking all of this in, and churning it around in my head.  I am good with letting karate go.  Totally good with that.  It frees the kids to have more uninterrupted time to do something they feel really passionate about, to explore a new interest, or to do absolutely nothing and revel in that freedom from constant go-go-go.

 

I am not sure how to reconcile with dance.  I love dance, and I love that Rylan loves dance.  This coming year may test her devotion to it.  She wants jazz.  And tumbling.  I am pushing for ballet.  And I am sad that she doesn't want to include tap.  I love tap.  I know that I am projecting my passions on her, but I also know that of all of the forms of dance, ballet is the foundation and it will serve her well - and she needs to understand that. So, if she and I both get our way, we are now looking at three separate classes.  I don't believe in age limits when it comes to dance.  This is where I diverge from the advice Dr. Payne espouses of avoiding the young age at which a child engages in a specific sport.  I think that it is perfectly acceptable for a four year old to do a once-a-week ballet class.  (or tap, tumbling, gymnastics, etc...)  Admit it, there is nothing cuter that a little girl in a tutu!

 

But how much is too much?  I am very afraid that three dance classes is too much for our seven yr. old. (PLUS girl scouts AND violin...)  That is three roundtrips to Loveland.  That is three hours (plus drive time) that I have to somehow occupy the time with one teenager and two precocious little boys.  That is three different outfits that I need to keep track of, washed and ready to go.  And what IF Jordan decides that he doesn't really want to quit karate??  That's five classes a week, right there, plus regular gi washing for a stinky teenage boy.  And then there is Owen, who is campaigning hard for gymnastics.  That would mean another round trip to Loveland.  That is now NINE trips in one week's time.  I've not only NOT left the CraZy Train, I've just dumped a shit ton of coal into the fire box and slammed the door!!!!

 

Maybe I need to reread this chapter for a third time, because I obviously haven't got the message about how to simplify our schedule.  I think there was a specific word  that he used.... hmm.  What was it??? 

 

 

Oh yeah...... "No."

 

 

 

 



The Crazy Busy Train

I think, that even though we are only midway through this year, this year will be known as a transformative year in our family...

I'll start with me...

My major gripe for the past couple of years is that we have become waaay to busy.  I don't push activities on the kids, so I guess it is more of a gullible thing - I'm a "YES!" mom.  You want to try dance?  Yes!  Gymnastics?  Yes!  Art class?  Yes!  I am prone to fall for the power of suggestion.. If something comes through our homeschool group list that sounds interesting, I ask the kids, and naturally they want to try it.  School began to take a backseat.  Life began to take a backseat.  We were just driving to one 'experience' after another.  All experiences the kids wanted to do, of course, and all experiences of merit, but absolutely nothing was taking priority...other than to try and make it semi-on time and have plenty of snacks in the car.

I am on activity overload.  So... now I am working hard to reverse course.  I am subtracting and adding things, with simplification as the focus.  I am not sitting in the board of our homeschool group anymore, so I'm not dealing with membership squabbles...  I quit a month ago, and it has been soooo nice.  I am not chained to my computer or iPhone anymore!  I agreed to step back into a leadership position with our girl scout troop, but I am sharing the workload with another mom, who has great ideas and a fantastic positive energy.  I will be guiding the Brownies, and she will be guiding the Daisies.  I will have about 6-7 girls, and she will have 5-6.  We had such a fabulous year this past year that I really don't see any additional stress coming from this - maybe just on the front end, as we get our upcoming year planned out.

My only other major stressor right now is doctor appointment overload.  I will be doing two physical therapy appointments a week (for my shoulder) through to the end of July, along with 1-2 other progress checkups with the doctor.  I am trying my hardest not to overdo it at home...but I am hoping that if I work diligently with my shoulder exercises, that I may be able to knock off the last week of therapy, by 'passing' early.  We'll see.   I have a long way to go.  I am still working on range of motion - we haven't even addressed the ability to push and pull and work with any kind of weight yet.   Now that is just me and my appointments.  We have also had the yearly appointment schtuff for the kids these past couple of months.  All four went to the dentist (no cavities!), all but Rylan had their annual physical, three went to the eye doctor - Jordan goes next month (yay - no glasses....yet!), the dermatologist(3x), the orthodontist, the psychiatrist, blood draw for Jordan, and a repeat hearing test for Owen.  This is when having four kids SUCKS.  Thank goodness for insurance, and THANK GOODNESS everybody is healthy.  I can't discount that.. that means everything.  I've counted them up - between all of us we have had 28 doctor appointments in the past 8 weeks.  Sigh.

I can't just blow off the need for doctor appointments - they are a necessary evil.  But with my unruly crew, each appointment stresses me out.  They mess with stuff, fight, ask for candy at the front desk, and test the acoustics of every room they enter.  At least with the dentist, I can get them all seen at the same time, and they can all give each other moral support from adjacent dental exam chairs, lol...  and they have an awesome play area for the kids to blow off steam before and after the appointment.  We actually like going to the dentist.  I was able to combine Owen's and Colin's annual physicals this year, so that was one less trip.  It was cute, they sat side-by-side, and the doctor would tap the knee on one, and then the other.  Look in the mouth of one, and then the other.  Since Colin is refusing to do most things lately, this actually worked out great.  He liked having Owen by his side, for once.  He didn't even try to shove him off the table.

So.  How do you get off the Crazy Busy Train?  I am taking a lot of advice to heart from a book that I am currently reading, Simplicity Parenting, by Kim John Payne, M.Ed.  It has a strong Waldorf approach, but it completely makes sense.  It addresses simplifying a child's environment, rhythm, schedule and filtering out the adult world.  These are all things our family desperately needs.  We have too much stuff on the calendar, in the closets, on the floor, in our heads and weighing on our hearts.

Jordan...

Even before I began reading this book and contemplating some changes that we could make, Jordan addressed this issue head-on last month, the week of his birthday.  He had a meltdown.  Not an angry episode...just a 'TOO MUCH!!!' sort of thing.  He actually broke down and cried on the way to karate.  He did NOT want to go.  He was ready to quit, for a whole host of completely valid reasons.  He hated that we always had to drop what we were doing and leave to go to karate.  (he goes 5x a week).  He felt like karate was mostly work, and not really fun anymore.  (Nobody gave him the impression that earning a Black Belt was going to be all fun and games...).  I think some of this was a classic teenage hormone stress response, because he did feel better about it a couple days later...  After I made him explain to the sensai that he was quitting.  As of right now, he is on the fence about whether or not he will go back.  Right now he says he is "on a break".  We all know how that goes...

Rylan...

Funny enough, Rylan had her own karate-related breakdown last week.  She had the tears, the drama, and same explanation.  Too much stuff to do, and she didn't enjoy karate anymore.  This saves us a combined $200 a month, 150 miles per week of driving (plus gas), and $90 dollars every 9 weeks for testing fees.  Plus, we gain back 11 hours of time that we desperately need to give back to schooling - plus the before-and-after time that we lose to getting ready to leave and getting back into school mode.  So how can I complain???  I feel terrible about it anyway.  I like the instructors and the relationships the kids and I have made with them over the past 2 1/2 years.  I like that the kids were challenged mentally and physically (plus, it counted for P.E. time!!!), and how much it improved their confidence.  Karate is absolutely a worthwhile endeavor (albeit an expensive one), and I was proud that our kids were doing it.  Dean is thrilled.  He has always thought that they were a 'belt-mill', and there may be a shred of truth to that, but when I see Jordan, at the hint of any kind of physical threat, go instinctively into guardian stance, I know it was worth it.

Owen...

Owen started gymnastics last Sept., along with karate.  He earned his white belt, and then promptly quit.  He didn't like it at all.  I had quietly let gymnastics go as we had continued the karate Sept and Oct, because karate was 'free' (multiple sibling discount), and gymnastics wasn't.  It took Owen a few months to figure out that he hadn't been to gymnastics in awhile... (he's quick, isn't he??).  So, after a very effective badgering campaign, he started up again in January.  It lasted five weeks.  He left class early two times in row, in tears, for some perceived infraction on the part of who-knows-what...  Now he is at it again, asking - on an almost daily basis, when he can go back to gymnastics.  What do I do?  I want him to have 'something', but he doesn't have a terrific track record of sticking with anything..

Dean...

Don't get me started.  Dean took over the Troop Master position in Oct/Nov, and it was a huge undertaking.  There are 50 some scouts in the troop, and a lot of them are on the younger side.  In the past month or so, the stress has been ratcheted up unbelievably high, as he organized the troop tribute to the previous Troop Master as part of his Wood Badge ticket, and then there was summer camp.  For the second year in a row, summer camp has been derailed by a forest fire forcing the evacuation of the chosen summer camp location.  The day before departure (this past Sunday, Father's Day), many adults were scrambling to assemble new contact information, merit badge schedules and equipment lists as they prepared to go to a secondary camp location.  For a month now, we have had to tip-toe around the premises as Dean tried his best to keep up with work requirements, house stuff and scouts.  It hasn't been fun.  For any of us.  I will be so glad when this week is over and the boys are back from camp, and I can have my husband back.  Sorry troop 191, but some of you needy helicopter parents can just shove off - we have a family that desperately needs some no-stress family time!

Free ranging at an airport

I, for the most part, embrace the concept of free range parenting. There are some things, however, that I have not been able to let go. I don't let my kids play at the park alone. I don't let them play in the front yard alone, or bike up and down the street alone - except for Jordan. Our specific neighborhood plays a big role in that decision. We live on the corner of a busy 4-way stop. A lot of drivers just blow through the intersection. We have the unfortunate circumstance of having many budding teenage drivers for neighbors. They just speed past the stop sign and barrel on down the street to their house. It is just not safe to let the kids out.

I don't hover at the edge of playground equipment, or make a big fuss over banged-up appendages. I let the 13 year old babysit. He and a friend were dropped off at a FunPlex recently, to hang by themselves for a couple of hours. So we are pretty adamant about giving frequent doses of responsibility to the kids as they age. Rylan and Owen regularly practice knife skills in the kitchen. Colin practices knife skills on the furniture. Rylan is learning how to use the stove, and Jordan has been using the stove and oven for a long time now. He does frequently need to be reminded to turn things OFF, though.

But the true test of Free Range came a couple of weeks ago. Jordan has been making solo plane trips from Denver to Oklahoma City since he was about 8 years old. In all that time, there has never been a mishap. In the past year, we have been working on increasing his independence with regards to these trips to the airport. The last time he flew home, he navigated from the gate he arrived at to the concourse train, and then on to the arrivals area in the main concourse, all on his own. I met him there, at arrivals, with the aid of a cell phone call to guide us to a meeting spot. He was ecstatic about doing it on his own.

Jordan just left for his summer visitation with his mom in Oklahoma on May 22nd. We were already running 15 minutes behind when we arrived at the airport, and then we encountered long lines at check-in. I asked Jordan if he wanted to go to the gate by himself. He said he wanted company - that he likes it when we send him off. Fair enough, but getting passes for all three kids and myself was going to add to the wait. Then we had long security lines. We got on the concourse train, and we began making plans. Jordan had exactly nine minutes to get to the gate. He was going to make a mad dash for the gate the second the train arrived. I would follow with the kids. Of course his gate was at the FAR end of the concourse. The train stopped and Jordan bolted out the door and up the escalator faster than I have ever seen him move. (He's going to come to regret that I saw that...). He was nowhere to be seen by the time we got to the gate. I called his cell just to make sure he was actually on the plane. I asked him to ask the person sitting next to him if he was on the plane to Oklahoma. The adjacent gate was boarding as well, and they were going to Florida. Just making sure!

We stayed at the gate and watched all of the departure preparations. We watched the plane take off. Owen cried when the plane banked and flew beyond our view. Then my cell beeped with a text message. Dean was letting me know that large thunderstorms were approaching OKC, and tornadoes were predicted. Great. I had just put Jordan on a plane to send him straight into a huge storm. Over the course of the next hour the storm grew, and Jordan's plane was diverted. The storm spawned an EF-5 tornado, and it decimated the southern side of Moore (several miles south of Jordan's mom's house), claiming several victims.

Now, we knew that morning of his flight that storms were a possibility. There had been bad storms in the OKC area the night before. When we packed up his backpack, I made sure he had plenty of snacks and some extra money, 'just in case'. "In case of what?", Jordan asked me. The chances of his plane being diverted was pretty high, and who knows where he would end up? Jordan looked a little nervous at the thought. The plan had been to get to the airport and eat lunch on the concourse, just before he boarded his flight at 12:30 pm. The long lines dashed all hopes of eating. So, when I heard that his plane was diverted to Amarillo, I felt terrible, knowing he was hungry and stuck on a plane. A bag of mini-Oreos wasn't going to go far... Then we got word that he was flying on to Dallas, where he would have a two hour layover and then a board a different plane.

This was good news to me, since that meant he could get something to eat. Jordan told his dad he would walk around and find something good. We were satisfied that he was totally capable of handling himself and being safe. But the other parent in this picture, Jordan's mother, was not satisfied. She was completely freaked out. She told Jordan that he would NOT be wandering the airport to get something to eat. (Yeah, good luck with that..). She called him multiple times, just to see that he was alright. Dean texted him once. I texted him once, after one hour of the layover had passed, ("Everything good?"), and then I called him once, when I knew it was time for him to be at the gate. I called for two reasons. One, I knew that it was evening, and his meds would be wearing off. My concern was that he would be so involved with a game on his iPod, that he might lose track of time. Two, he has the tendency to rush when he is stressed, and I wanted to make sure he took his time and had the correct flight and gate. When he answered, he was totally aware of what time it was, AND he was at the correct gate. Awesome job, Jordan! He did sound harried, though, because of the endless calls and texts from his mom. I wish she could understand that he is a capable young man, and to trust him more.

Of course every child is different, but we strongly believe that it is age appropriate for a 13 year old to be able to successfully navigate an airport for a couple of hours, in an emergency situation. We have been working on independence skills just for this very scenario. He is not afraid to approach an adult with questions or to ask for help. He knows how to judge a person to know whether they are safe to approach in the first place. He had money, and he knows how to use it, sparingly. He had a phone, in case of emergency. He knows how to problem solve. He's experienced independence in smaller doses in an effort to bolster his self-confidence. That is what raising children is about. You want confident, good decision-makers that can handle themselves accordingly when things don't go as planned - because you won't always be there to hold their hand.

Was I worried? I suppose, a little. I was worried that he would waste his money on candy. That was my main worry. I wasn't worried about abductions, child predators, drug dealers, getting lost, getting mugged...nope. I totally put that stuff out of my mind. I was worried about candy, of all things! And I was worried that he might be tempted to turn off his phone, if his mom irritated him enough. It's happened before.

Jordan has had plenty of practice with decision-making in the past. Some were good, some were head-smackingly awful. (what-were-you-thinking!?!?!?). Luckily, most of the price tags for those mini-lessons in life were small. We want to keep it that way.

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You say Tomato, I say Pomodoro

I give myself one Pomodoro to get this blog post written...

(yeah, right... now try to convince the perfectionist within....)

This is a follow up to yesterday's musing about Rylan and ADHD.  Okay 'musing' sounds a little lighthearted... how about doomsday prophecy? 

My mother presented Dean and I with the most awesome gift of *time* (ie. - a date!) last night, so we headed out for a quick dinner.  It is so nice to be able to have serious parenting conversations without kids around...

(instead of hearing, "Whatcha talkin' about?" 38 times in a five-minute time span.)

It's also polite to actually include the other parent in conversations that you have with yourself (and your 3 or 4 adoring fans) about your children and any medical diagnosis that you may bestow upon them.

Dean actually has a lot to say on this subject - as well he should, since he is 50% responsible for the genetic crapshoot that eventually became our beloved child.  His genes won this round though, in the ADD department.  As he said last night, to look on the bright side, we've got the advantage that we have lots of experience on how to live with ADD/ADHD.  True.  So, let's talk about what that experience has taught us, and where to go from here.  Most of the conversation from here on out are Dean's thoughts as they came at me rapid fire on the drive home from the restaurant...  I invited him to write a guest post and he declined.  He said he was just 'in the moment', and by the next morning (right now) he would be on some other tangent.  So true.  So ADD.  :)

1.  Going for the diagnosis.  Most parents don't realize there is a problem until the child enters school.  (Timmy has always been an 'active' child... just wait until he is required to sit at a desk for six hours a day!)  It is true that the average age that a child is diagnosed is getting younger and younger.  How do you separate the normal immature, childish exuberance of a six year old from a serious psychological issue?  The most qualified medical professional to make the call is a child psychiatrist.  Don't take this issue to the pediatrician (like we did with Jordan).  There is just too much at stake, and if you are going to take a serious step and use medication, it's best to work with someone who really knows all of the different manifestations of ADD/ADHD, and the best meds to regulate them.

Paperwork.  The psychiatrist will ask for documentation - from teachers, family members, counselors...  One of the best things you can do is keep a symptom journal.  (Something I am going to start immediately).  Write down the behaviors you see, the times that they occur, the environment that they occurred in, etc... Also comment on diet and sleep.

2.  Regulate the environmental distractions.  This is so hard for me, and also why we don't send the kids to public school.  Since the presence of the two younger children are distracting to both Jordan and Rylan when they are doing schoolwork, I have to keep them separated as much as possible.  This year that will be even more difficult, when I also need to squeeze in preschool work time with Owen.  Colin is by far the biggest concern.  He is the younger version of Jordan - he is the extrovert, and hates to be alone.

No tv during school time, and music sometimes helps, and other times it is a hindrance.  Soft piano or jazz seems to work best.  If using music with lyrics, make it something the child knows well.  If it is new, it will activate the portion of the brain that reacts to any 'new' stimulus in the environment (SQUIRREL!!), and distract from the work at hand.  Dean, Jordan and Rylan all have a severe 'squirrel response'.

This also means that for this coming year (although we school year-round so it feels silly to say that) we need to set up more permanent separate work environments for both Jordan and Rylan.  We'll have to set up a desk in our bedroom for Jordan, and Rylan already has a nice little table and chairs in her room.  This doesn't mean that I send them up to their rooms with stacks of workbooks and tell them I'll see them in a few hours.  It just means that when we reach an independent work item, they have a quiet, distraction-free zone to work in.

3.  The Pomodoro Technique.  (go ahead and follow the link now, so that you know what I am talking about...)  I came across this a couple of years ago and showed it to Dean.  He now employs it regularly at work to help him stay focused, and he reports that it is pretty effective.  I use a modified technique at home, part of the Fly Lady system, just in a shorter time increment.  If I ever experience the miracle of a 25 consecutive minute stretch of uninterrupted work time, people would lay down their weapons and their Bibles and there would be World Peace.

So how do you use this technique with kids?  Dean's idea was to send the child, with their ability-appropriate assignment, off to their workspace to get it done.  Give them a goal.  For Jordan, it would be 'finish these two pages (within a particular time frame), then come find me so we can go over it'.  For Rylan, it would be more like 'do these two problems', then come find me.  Then we can check off their work. 

4.  Reminder lists/schedule.  The older two already have a laminated day-of-the-week card that lists out all of their commission-related chores (tied to their weekly allowance) and daily schoolwork, with places to designate if they did it, and how long they spent.  These cards let me tally their commissions earned, and the actual time spent on schoolwork.  One of these days I'll get around to actually posting more in detail about it.  (Soon!  I promise!)  But here is a photo of one of these cards from this past week so you know what I am talking about..

It is important to give the ADD/ADHD child a way to document their work (successes).  Number one, they often hear more negative messages than positive ones about their (in)ability to stay on task and get something done.  They need a way to measure progress.  How will a child ever learn to self-manage if they don't have any sort of benchmark system?  The child can see that they got two problems done... and it took them six minutes of work time.  Next time around (knowing that they are capable) they can make it a goal to get three problems done within that time...or whatever.

It is also important to help an ADD/ADHD child manage time.  They can't self-regulate, and schedules help immensely.  A list to refer to - no matter how detailed - will help them feel less scattered and overwhelmed.  It also helps the child that always wants to know "What's next?"  Keeping a family calendar will also settle the question, "What are we doing today?", without you having to answer it on an hourly basis.  They can SEE the answer for themselves.

5.  Predictable routine.  This is the hardest one for me.  My daily energy and mood is so up and down that I can't keep things consistant.  And then you throw five other personalities into the mix and then all bets are off.  We try.  We really, really try.  But so far we have totally missed the mark on this one.  At least we know what to strive for - but meal times, bed times, school times, nap times, chore times and shopping times all vary...on a daily basis.  Right now we are a spur-of-the-moment kind of family, and this really does not work well for us... Sigh.

 

Okay, I have now gone through three Pomodoros... the last two of which were interrupted by small children requesting juice, something to eat, and something interesting to watch on tv.  Something NOT Olympics related. 

See what I am up against?