Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

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The day when the child became the adult

 

 

We all work hard at this parenting gig, every single day.  Some days you get it right, and some days you don't.  We should all lift each other up, right?  But, then...what about when it gets personal?  Like when you share parenting duties between biological parents and step parents?  You pour as much of your brand of love and wisdom into a child, only to send them on to the other parent(s) who *just* doesn't quite see the world the same way.  I don't suffer in silence very well.  When there is a wrong, I've got to talk about it, and search my feelings for how to resolve it.

 

Jordan just had a very difficult weekend dealing with his mom (over the phone) about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving.  This is a routine that I have seen take place since the moment Jordan and his dad came into my life.  The couple of weeks leading up to visitation with his mother is always fraught with tension.  In Jordan's younger years, it was hyperactivity.  Promises made over the phone of the junk food and good times to come made those days practically unbearable.  His mind was already there, on vacation.  These days, it is quite different.  Instead of chomping at the bit to get there, Jordan is filled with anxiety, and dare I say...dread?  I will dare to say that.  I live with him.  I talk with him.  I see his moods change.  I hear him make plans about how he will spend his time there - and they are always accompanied by the remark - "So I don't go crazy with boredom because there is nothing else to do".  There is still junk food, but that lure worked on a small child.  There are still good times, but that lure pretty much revolves around getting to watch things on TV that he doesn't get to here, and he sees through that now.  And that is about it.  There is nothing else to look forward to on this upcoming visitation.  For a child with ADHD, the need for mental stimulation is crucial.  It has been a constant worry in the back of my mind that if he does not receive it, he will go looking for it.

Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going.  That is why we are all going.  Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks.  On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner.  His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too.  These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year.  He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth.  But he likes to see them - they are all fun people!  The problem is with Jordan's mom.  This is technically 'her time'.  In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else.  Did anybody mention it was a holiday?  A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit?  It only happens once a year?  It helps families connect and bond?  In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder.  Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I mean Jordan's fight.

Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing.  I'm a child of divorce too.  Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way.  We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable.  So my personal experience is shading my opinion here.  Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce.  Get over it.  You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives.  You have one child, and two families.  That is the reality.  It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time.  Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.

So let's explore that 'opinion'.  It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving.  Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday.  Why should this year be different?  So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit.  He got a flat 'no'.  No?  Really?  Why?

"(Stepdad) took the day off"  - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this.  Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household.  No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)

I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad.  Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature.  And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.

After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time.  It sounded something like this...

"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)

So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving.  We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone...  It was unbelievable.  A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing.  Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject.  He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family.  She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say.  It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own.  And you know how it ended?  She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.

What utter bullshit.  What a crappy way to treat your son.  What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth.  I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face.  She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do.  In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.

There is a silver lining here.  Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years.  There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child.  He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother.  He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age.  She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan.  I am super proud of him and how he handled himself.  A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.

So this brings me back to where I began.  I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so?  Absolutely!  The day I said "I do", he became mine too.  I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this?  Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this?   It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him.  He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day.  The mom that is angry with everybody?  Will she be depressed or manic today?  This is not how to show your son love or security!!  And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother.  He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms.  They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached.  He does not feel security.  Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist.  A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day.  A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.

One last thought.  Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever.  I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child.  He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them.  I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom.  That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride.  He really does knows how to handle himself.  Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this?  Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).







Back into the fold...

Jordan arrived home last week from his second round of visitation with his mom.  His plane arrived early in the evening, and it was a loud hyperfest in the back 2/3rds of the van the whole way home.  Rylan, Owen and Colin are very happy to have him back home.

We are too. 

Not sure what the emotional/behavioral damage estimate is, it was hard to tell initially, but I hope it follows the trend of past years and won't be as bad.  There will be the typical gaming deprogramming, of course, along with tapering off the need for constant stimulation from TV or computer.  It happens every year.  When he goes to visit, he constantly complains of boredom, so these are his only outlets.


I am glad Jordan is back, and in one piece to boot.  It is not a moment too soon.  This was a traumatic visit for us, waiting back here in Colorado.  First there was the EF5 tornado in Moore, on May 22nd, the day he flew out there.  Then, on May 31st, there was another tornado outbreak.



credit: NWS

Dean was at work that day, watching the weather warnings on the internet, and as things began to look pretty serious, he called Jordan to make sure that he was getting to safe place.  Jordan's mother's house is located where the green star is.  She has no storm cellar, no local shelter...nothing.  The storm trackers were predicting that the tornado was going to track eastward, along I40.  As you can see, the green star was IN THE DIRECT PATH of where the tornado was predicted to be heading.  (it did veer, inexplicably, south)  Jordan said that his mom and stepdad didn't think it was necessary to leave the house.  (!)

Let's just let that sit for a minute.  Just imagine.  You, sitting in a safe location, 800 miles away, can see and hear the local storm trackers and weather forecasters, by streaming a live feed over the internet, sounding the warning that if those individuals in the tornado's path cannot get below ground, they had better leave if they didn't want to risk losing their life.  Your loved-one is IN that path they keep mentioning over and over again.  Keep in mind, the horrific scenes from the Moore tornado were only 9 days old.  These were seasoned forecasters - and even they were sounding a little freaked out.  That is what we can hear, that is what we tell Jordan, that is what he tells his mom - BEGGING to her that he wants to leave and go someplace safer.  You could hear the fear in his voice.  And?  She scoffs.

Scoffs.

SCOFFS!

It's been over a month, and yet I still want to reach out and strangle...someone.  This was, in it's totality, her move as if to say - "I am not going to do something, just because they (meaning Dean and me) are telling me to do it.".  That is all it was.  She was so DETERMINED to make her point and to be the one in charge, that she forgot to be the grown-up in the first place. 

The map above shows a second star, a purple one.  This is where Jordan and his mom eventually sheltered at.  After our third phone call that afternoon in the span of 20 minutes, where we went over what safety precautions he could take if they were indeed staying put, we heard back from Jordan about 10 minutes later that he and his mom were driving south to a hospital, where they figured they could wait it out in an interior corridor.  This was now a full 30 minutes from when the first warnings to GET OUT came.  (This would be the hospital that was eventually hit by the tornado)  They moved on from there, for whatever reason, and eventually ended up (at Jordan's suggestion) at a Homeland Grocery store, sheltering in a meat locker with 30 or so other people.  If that had been her move, when the warnings first came, I would be applauding her.  But not for this.  It was Jordan that got them to safety - not her.  If she had put aside her petty control issues and phoned Dean herself, and came up with an evacuation game plan WITH him, for the sake and safety of THEIR son, I would have been so grateful.

Co-parenting can be so much better than this.  But it takes a willingness to work as a team.  I am regarded as the enemy by her.  Jordan is routinely asked by her if I am treating him okay, or if I yell at him or push him around.  I have been accused of forcing Jordan to raise the kids for me - that in fact (and this is precious), the only reason I keep him at home to "homeschool" him, is so that he will take care of the kids for me.  Jordan was actually quite angered by this, and told me that he set her straight, reminding her that 'he is the big brother, and that is what older sibling do" (duh), and that he is homeschooled because he had such a rough start in public education.  The general classroom is not the best place for him with his ADHD.  Her response? "Oh..."

I've been thinking about the whole 'step-mother' short shrift for some time now...  Just like parents of every stripe out there, there are people of every sort.  Just because you are a biological parent, doesn't, by default, make you a good one - make you the better choice.  The better adult-figure in a child's life can be the neighbor down the street, the teacher, the grandparent, and yes... even step-parents.  I'm am not saying this to toot my own horn.  What I am saying is that she is trying to sell Jordan on the 'Disney' version of the mean, unfair (and ugly) stepmother, and he is not buying it.  In fact, he confided in his dad that he resents the way Disney always portrays the stepmother figure.  He says it is an unfair depiction.  I love that kid...

I do have a lot more to say on this subject, but I think I will let it wait for another time.

Moving things around...

 

 

 

 

In an effort to jolt me out of my uncharacteristic fall malaise I felt a change was necessary.  Pictured above is the school room/office as it was.  As you may remember, we made a big change earlier this year by moving the playroom out of this room and into the basement - thus moving the school stuff out of the living room and into this space.  I spent all summer culling books so that it would eventually ALL fit.  Every last schoolbook and manipulative.  I took this picture just over a month ago.   I was so pleased - and secretly proud of myself for shedding so much unnecessary stuff.  And then it hit.

 

Uugh.

 

Maybe I worked too hard?

 

I no longer had any initiative to do anything...

 

Several half-hearted schoolweeks later a change had to take place.  Maybe it's my body just knows that the seasons are changing and SAD is coming early??  So, even though the above room had been in place for a few months, I changed it back.  It was not nearly as much of an undertaking as it was to get it in there - that is the blessing of a lot less 'stuff'.  I even took the time to go through the file drawers and re alphabetize everything that got UNalphabetized during the last shuffle.  And, since I was going through the files, I even opened them to see what I could pitch, shred or finally place in the firebox - an effort that we have talked about since the day we combined households.  This task yielded some rather interesting things...

 

First.  (my husband is going to kill me)  In the TRAFFIC TICKETS folder where I keep my treasured parking violations that I have received from the Denver PD, there also happened to be a SUBSTANTIAL pile of old speeding tickets of Dean's - courtesy of the Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas and Colorado State Patrol, as well as the cities of Longmont, Loveland (CO), and Moore, Norman and The Village (OKC). 

 

 

TWENTY TICKETS

 

 

I did not know this about my husband.  I knew he had a (ahem) speeding problem, but I didn't know it was to the tune of this many tickets.  Luckily for me he is a packrat that never throws away a piece of paper - or I would have never found out.  To his defense, they were not ALL speeding tickets.  A couple were warnings.  :)  And let it be known now.... my husband will never, NEVER be allowed to purchase a sports car. Again.

 

Second.  I came across the application for a marriage license that my former husband and I filled out on March 16th, 2004.  It was exactly a year to the day before I went out on my first date with my now-husband, Dean.  Weird. 

 

Third.  When placing all of the passports, birth certificates, marriage licenses/certificates and divorce decrees in the firebox (I find it kinda funny that we each have a previous set of these), I placed Dean's and my marriage certificate on top of my old one.  Dean asked, "Do they have to touch??"  So I bundled the old one with the divorce decree that goes with it and buried it at the bottom of the box, where it belongs.

 

Fourth.  My old dog, Yuki, passed away six years ago.  Yet I still had every single vet bill, rabies vaccine certificate and license information.  I'm not sure why I held on to them, but I was definitely ready to part with them.  I kept her certificate of completion for her dog obedience course - because it is just absolutely laughable.  For all who knew this loveable, yet very naughty husky, you will get the irony.

 

Fifth.  I went through all of my teaching evaluations.  That was a mistake.  I spent a couple of hours trying to rid myself of a very foul mood after that.  My evaluations were very good - and one of them was even stellar.  That one, in particular, came just three weeks before my jackass of a Principal informed me that he would not renew my teaching certificate.  I again, felt the overwhelming urge to blow the whistle on the CSAP cheats that *still* teach at his school.  And then I got over it.

 

Sixth.  I spent a good deal of time thinking about why we hang on to the stuff that we do.  I think that, for the most part, we hang on to it to remember a different time in our lives.  But if the time period wasn't a particulary pleasant one, why do we keep the stuff?  I have do not need a reminder in order to not repeat an unpleasant experience.  I think that sometimes we do it just to torture ourselves.  If we rake ourselves over the coals enough times, than we have done adequate penance for whatever transgressions we made.  But what if you didn't do anything wrong?  I do not want to keep my former teaching contracts, evaluations, student teaching paperwork, or the paperwork from the 18 different workshops I attended.  I don't ever plan to teach again... but I can't bring myself to get rid of it yet.  It's like I haven't done *enough* time yet.  I just keep saying "What if I need this again??".  WHY would I ever need to PROVE that I took a course on Empowering Writers by Barbara Miraconda to anyone?  The homeschool police? (that don't exist).

 

 

I forgot what I was even trying to say in this post...  Moving things around?  I guess I was gearing towards perspective.  My perspective is off.  Life has become an endless stream of activity times to remember and childhood mayhem to suppress.  I am trying to shake things up to gain my perspective back.  Unfortunately, sifting through a three foot long stretch of file folders didn't do much for me but harden my resolve to not ever return to public education, let my husband drive, or hang on to frequent-flyer miles that were racked up over a decade ago. 

 

 

I think my next effort will be geared towards getting outside and enjoying the fall weather.  I have a feeling that the schoolwork will be at a minimum again...

 

 



 



Telling off the Universe...

I met an old acquaintance at a coffee shop last night for the purpose of swapping stories about our common experience of loss.  Our dads, who are old colleagues, realized that their daughters had similar stories and should really get together.  My story: eight years ago my ex husband (after eleven years of being together) abruptly left me after only 16 days of marriage.  Her story: last year her live-in boyfriend of eleven years abruptly left her after she pressured him to make a decision - she wanted marriage and a family.  (she is 36).  She is still struggling the with heartache and trying to move on.

Well.... it's not that easy moving on.  I'm eight years into my journey and I can tell you it is not easy.  Having a wonderful husband and four children to love have most certainly helped, but it is still not easy.  Furthermore, not everyone can 'move on' in the same manner.  Each perceived situation is different.  I was dealing with intense feelings of betrayal and humiliation.  My friend feels lost and confused.  Neither of us ever received adequate explanation of why the relationship ended.  One moment he was there, and the next moment he was gone.

For me, the best coping mechanism I could come up with in the immediate days afterward was the idea that he was dead - because that is what it felt like.  One day he was in my world, and the next he wasn't.  It didn't help matters that this person who I loved was actually still walking in this world, but since he was not communicating with me, it felt very much like he was gone...never to return.  Then the odd thought came to me.. what happens to the love?  I loved this person!  I had just married him three weeks prior!  What happens now?


My friend brought up the same question as well.  She is currently fighting her way out of that black hole of loss.  She loves him, and doesn't know how to stop - even after a years' time.  Oh my goodness my heart just aches for her... because I lived this journey too.  After months of living in that swirling vortex of "What now?", I found out the truth: he had left me for someone else - someone he had been with months before we got married.  Now I had the reason I was looking for to stop loving him.  It was such a relief to be able to cut that cord and offer myself the opportunity for a new life, and a new identity.

"L" is such a beautiful person - and she has done a lot of wonderful things in her life.  She is an operating room nurse and frequently takes part in mercy medical operations.  She uses her vacation time to travel to third world countries to offer her services.  Last year she went to Haiti (and came home with a horrible lung infection) and Sierra Leone.  I told her that I envied her in a way.  She was now single, and would have the opportunity to travel and maybe make a new life for herself abroad.  She told me she envied me: I had found love again and was a mother to four kids.  I suppose the grass is always greener someplace else.  It's not that I regret my life AT ALL - but I am sure, as many women can attest to, that once you are tied down with the burdens and responsibility of family, the looming desire for escape always haunts you.  Whether it be at the bottom of a wine glass, the spa, MNO, the weekend get-away or (gasp) the milkman.  For me, all I need is an hour or two of intelligent conversation to recharge my batteries.  Thank goodness for that.

After three hours of sifting through our thoughts and feelings we both walked away feeling like a burden had been lifted.  She is the first person I have been able to talk to - in all these eight years - about some of the deepest, darkest feelings I experienced, and still deal with from time-to-time.  It is nice to have someone who truly understands what it feels like (apart from my mother).  I was supposed to be there for her, but it ended up that we were there for each other.

On the way home, I had several thoughts swirling around in my head.

1.  I still have a lot of healing to do.  I operate in the fear mode on a daily basis.  My biggest fear is that I will lose again.  I feel paranoid at times - like I don't deserve this happiness and that 'life' will come along at any moment and take it all away from me.  I'm afraid to get too close to people, because I will just get hurt again (and gosh this keeps happening!!).  I'm afraid to share because of what people will think of me.  It's nice to have the anonymity of the web.  I try not to think of the handful of people I know who read this blog (hello to my four or five fans out there... well, you're family.  You have to like me.)  I try instead to think of the potential reader who maybe has a similar story to tell.  Who needs to hear that she is not alone.  Who needs to hear how someone else is trying to cope.  That is how I try to convert my fear into love.

2.  Love is neither created or destroyed.  In answer to the question: "What happens to the love?", I think that it just changes form - similar to the concept of energy.  Love is energy.  The love you have for your child drives you to feed him, hug him, chase after him when he runs into the street, ache for him when he hurts and search endlessly for ways to make him happy.  When you experience loss - either through death or divorce, that love just changes form.  You channel that energy in another direction.  You establish a memorial fund, you take on a new vocation, you devote that loving attention on yourself instead, for a time.  I think that was how I found my release.  I took that energy and I used it on myself.  I painted walls.  I bought new furniture.  I lost weight.  I read books.  I went for hikes.  I spent time with friends.   I kept busy juggling three jobs.

3.  I am a lucky, lucky girl to have been able to cross to the other side.  I am lucky to have Dean, Jordan, Rylan, Owen and Colin in my life.  And I am lucky that I had such wonderful family to lean on for support through all these years.

I know that "L"s journey is going to be a long and painful one.  But her spirit will be strengthened by it, in time.  And at some point, joy will return to her life.  I know my spirit is strong and I 'feel' strong, but I also feel like life for me will be forever tarnished in a way that is difficult to describe.  It is there that the fear resides.  I have to acknowledge it every day and do my best to squash it.

Years ago, when I was living alone after the divorce, I would go out into the backyard late, late at night, and 'tell off' the Universe.

"You aren't going to beat me!"

"Years ago you sent a really, really crappy person into my life to teach me the lessons I needed to learn in this lifetime.  Um....thanks?  Can the lesson be over now?"

"I deserve to be happy!!!!  Please?  Just a little?"

"Why!!!  What is the fucking point of loving someone if they are just going to hurt you?!?"

"Are you listening?"

My neighbors probably thought I was some crazy woman telling off her aspen trees, night after night.  Then again, they were crazy eBay hoarders who had a permanent dumpster in their driveway.

but.

The Universe listened.  Damn the Universe and it's smug knowitty-all-ness.  Now I have to make amends every night to the Universe and acknowledge that everything happens for a reason, and you shouldn't really question it, and thank you for sending Dean into my life, and thank you for loving me and giving me the capacity to love others, despite all of the other crap you've made me put up with.

Oh.  And thank you for chocolate...good stuff.

And for coffee.  Of which I have had entirely too much of this week.