Favoritism, Hail, Surgery and Flowers

 Favoritism

As per custom over the years, when Jordan arrives home from a stay with his mom in OK, he will eventually share some annoying and typically hurtful comment that his mom made in his presence - usually directed at either 'us' or 'me'.  This time it was about our switching to Calvert this coming school year.  We have enrolled in Colorado Calvert Academy, an online, virtual public school.  Calvert, for me, is all about the curriculum.  I have studied all of the grade levels (K-8) with a teacher's eye, lining up the scope and sequence with Colorado State Standards, and it makes me wish August were here already so we could start - that is how excited I am about it!  Calvert is not shy about letting parents know what the expectations are in the role they must play in this.  I am to expect that Jordan will have 5-6 hours of work per school day to slog through (count that as 7-8 for the distracted ADHD child), and I will need to be at his elbow for a significant part of it.  And not just Jordan, either.  There will also be Rylan and Owen to attend to.  Aaaaand to keep Colin from destroying the house in the process.  This also does not count the extras I fit in, like Nature Study, Lego League, chess club, swimming....   In Jordan's mom's eyes, this switch is because I have become lazy about homeschooling Jordan, and I want someone else to do it for me so I can spend more time with the other kids.  So I guess all of the children are getting the 'lazy treatment', because I don't show favoritism.  I. do. not. show. favoritism.  If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would in fact think quite the opposite.  My time and attention is predominantly spent with Jordan, because he is the oldest.  When you spent your entire day, day after day, surrounded by little kids, you crave any type of adult conversation you can find.  Poor Jordan has been my guinea pig.  As soon as he could sustain a conversation, we were talking.  We talk about everything under the sun - history, science, math, literature, religion, technology, child rearing, gardening.... and I think he enjoys it as much as I do, because he will recall many a conversation with me (several of which were prompted by the Core Knowledge reading for the day) and relate back to it in some way.

His mother's comments are serious button pushers for me.  I understand where they are coming from - she is no longer the principal parent, she feels threatened, she probably has a lot of anger and resentment, and I seem like the easy target.  That doesn't mean that these comments don't bother me.  They bother me a great deal.  The comments hurt my feelings and question my integrity.  Parenting a child should be a partnership, not a game of one-up-manship.  A child is a human being with feelings - not a piece of property.


Hail

We had a wicked hail storm late Tuesday night.  It went on for a very long time, and the average size was somewhere between a quarter and a golf ball.  Dean and I traveled from window to window, getting more and more excited as the hailstones grew in size.  This was the big one we have been hoping for!  The next morning revealed that the roof had taken its last stand (yay!), the window screens were shredded (yay!), the shutters on the front windows were cracked and even broken in places (meh), there are pits and dents in the garage door and trim (yay!), there are dents in the hood of the minivan (meh), the passenger side mirror is cracked (meh), and there are pits all over the fence.  We are still waiting for adjusters to look at house and car (State Farm - I am NOT impressed...), but we did have a roofer come out on Wednesday to have a look and I am pretty excited about the findings... ;)  Can't say much more than that at this point, but the house will be getting a makeover very, very soon.

Surgery

Yesterday I met with the surgeon I had picked out to do my knee surgery.  He has done the knees and shoulders of three of my relatives and several of Dean's coworkers, and they all sang very high praises.  He concurred that surgery needs to be done if I want to return to my favorite physical activities.  I guess there are people out there who elect not to do this because they don't want to go through the rehab.  An ACL replacement is not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it makes me sweat with fear thinking about it.  It is tough-going in the rehab department.  Like - really tough.  I am 42, and my age is affecting my prognosis.  I have elected to go with an autograft of my patellar tendon to replace the ACL.  This is the more difficult one to rehab - it will take longer and will be more painful.  It may mean that I can't ever quite get down on my knees again.  (thank goodness I don't have babies anymore, and don't expect my floors to look clean ever again).  I am choosing an autograft over an allograft (donation from a cadaver) because the thought of tissue rejection and infection scares me.  Plus, and I know this is weird, but the thought of someone elses' tissue in my body gives me the heebie-jeebies.  I know I would feel quite differently if the case were that I needed a new liver or something and couldn't live without a transplant, but in this case I just feel weird about it.  BUT - the fact that I am 42 means that being my own donor brings about other concerns.  My tendons are older, may not be as robust (too bad tendons aren't fatty tissue!  No problem there...), and may not give the best results. I've studied the outcomes and the percentages are not in my favor.  This is where I get scared.  What if I go through all of this and find out that my knee will still never be stable enough for skiing, hiking or running?  This instantly brings tears to my eyes.  I would be crushed.  Damn...

The surgery has tentatively been scheduled for July 31st.  I am to work very hard on my PT for the next three weeks to see if I can really improve my range of motion and strength.  He'll reassess at that time and decide whether or not that surgery date will work.  If I am not where I should be recovery-wise, the surgery will have to be pushed back.  Talk about pressure!  If the surgery gets pushed back, life will get seriously difficult - beyond difficult - if I can't drive by September.  I already have the mindset that we are taking off the month of August from absolutely everything, so that rehab is the only focus.  Then after August, I have 2-3 months of PT, twice to three times a week to look forward too.  Damn. Damn. Damn.  It will be difficult enough to launch a whole new curriculum and homeschooling rhythm, without throwing constant therapy appointments into the mix.  AAAGGHHH!  I hate stress.  :(

Flowers

As frustrating as this week was - although the hail was actually a good thing in our eyes - it was an act of kindness that helped sooth out the worries.  After I had arrived home with my appointment with the surgeon, the kids and I grabbed our rakes and cleaned up the mess left behind from the storm.  I had left it as-is in the hopes that an insurance adjuster would be along shortly to look at all the damage, but by Friday morning it was looking trashy, so I decided it was time to clean up.  As we were doing so, a van from a local greenhouse pulled up in front of our house.  At first I thought they were asking for directions.  Then I thought that maybe they were jumping out to help (lol...).  Nope - a guy and a girl hopped out and announced that they had been instructed to drive around and give away hanging flower baskets to any takers they could find, since the greenhouse had too many.  I was dumbfounded and so, so touched.  I think this was the owner's way of reaching out to those who had storm damage and give a little bit of happiness.  I called the company right away to express my heartfelt thanks.  I've got to remember in these tough and scary weeks ahead that I need to look for the good, and be thankful for what I do have.

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The day when the child became the adult

 

 

We all work hard at this parenting gig, every single day.  Some days you get it right, and some days you don't.  We should all lift each other up, right?  But, then...what about when it gets personal?  Like when you share parenting duties between biological parents and step parents?  You pour as much of your brand of love and wisdom into a child, only to send them on to the other parent(s) who *just* doesn't quite see the world the same way.  I don't suffer in silence very well.  When there is a wrong, I've got to talk about it, and search my feelings for how to resolve it.

 

Jordan just had a very difficult weekend dealing with his mom (over the phone) about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving.  This is a routine that I have seen take place since the moment Jordan and his dad came into my life.  The couple of weeks leading up to visitation with his mother is always fraught with tension.  In Jordan's younger years, it was hyperactivity.  Promises made over the phone of the junk food and good times to come made those days practically unbearable.  His mind was already there, on vacation.  These days, it is quite different.  Instead of chomping at the bit to get there, Jordan is filled with anxiety, and dare I say...dread?  I will dare to say that.  I live with him.  I talk with him.  I see his moods change.  I hear him make plans about how he will spend his time there - and they are always accompanied by the remark - "So I don't go crazy with boredom because there is nothing else to do".  There is still junk food, but that lure worked on a small child.  There are still good times, but that lure pretty much revolves around getting to watch things on TV that he doesn't get to here, and he sees through that now.  And that is about it.  There is nothing else to look forward to on this upcoming visitation.  For a child with ADHD, the need for mental stimulation is crucial.  It has been a constant worry in the back of my mind that if he does not receive it, he will go looking for it.

Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going.  That is why we are all going.  Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks.  On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner.  His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too.  These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year.  He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth.  But he likes to see them - they are all fun people!  The problem is with Jordan's mom.  This is technically 'her time'.  In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else.  Did anybody mention it was a holiday?  A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit?  It only happens once a year?  It helps families connect and bond?  In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder.  Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I mean Jordan's fight.

Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing.  I'm a child of divorce too.  Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way.  We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable.  So my personal experience is shading my opinion here.  Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce.  Get over it.  You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives.  You have one child, and two families.  That is the reality.  It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time.  Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.

So let's explore that 'opinion'.  It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving.  Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday.  Why should this year be different?  So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit.  He got a flat 'no'.  No?  Really?  Why?

"(Stepdad) took the day off"  - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this.  Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household.  No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)

I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad.  Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature.  And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.

After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time.  It sounded something like this...

"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)

So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving.  We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone...  It was unbelievable.  A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing.  Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject.  He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family.  She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say.  It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own.  And you know how it ended?  She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.

What utter bullshit.  What a crappy way to treat your son.  What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth.  I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face.  She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do.  In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.

There is a silver lining here.  Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years.  There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child.  He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother.  He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age.  She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan.  I am super proud of him and how he handled himself.  A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.

So this brings me back to where I began.  I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so?  Absolutely!  The day I said "I do", he became mine too.  I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this?  Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this?   It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him.  He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day.  The mom that is angry with everybody?  Will she be depressed or manic today?  This is not how to show your son love or security!!  And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother.  He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms.  They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached.  He does not feel security.  Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist.  A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day.  A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.

One last thought.  Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever.  I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child.  He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them.  I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom.  That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride.  He really does knows how to handle himself.  Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this?  Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).







Back into the fold...

Jordan arrived home last week from his second round of visitation with his mom.  His plane arrived early in the evening, and it was a loud hyperfest in the back 2/3rds of the van the whole way home.  Rylan, Owen and Colin are very happy to have him back home.

We are too. 

Not sure what the emotional/behavioral damage estimate is, it was hard to tell initially, but I hope it follows the trend of past years and won't be as bad.  There will be the typical gaming deprogramming, of course, along with tapering off the need for constant stimulation from TV or computer.  It happens every year.  When he goes to visit, he constantly complains of boredom, so these are his only outlets.


I am glad Jordan is back, and in one piece to boot.  It is not a moment too soon.  This was a traumatic visit for us, waiting back here in Colorado.  First there was the EF5 tornado in Moore, on May 22nd, the day he flew out there.  Then, on May 31st, there was another tornado outbreak.



credit: NWS

Dean was at work that day, watching the weather warnings on the internet, and as things began to look pretty serious, he called Jordan to make sure that he was getting to safe place.  Jordan's mother's house is located where the green star is.  She has no storm cellar, no local shelter...nothing.  The storm trackers were predicting that the tornado was going to track eastward, along I40.  As you can see, the green star was IN THE DIRECT PATH of where the tornado was predicted to be heading.  (it did veer, inexplicably, south)  Jordan said that his mom and stepdad didn't think it was necessary to leave the house.  (!)

Let's just let that sit for a minute.  Just imagine.  You, sitting in a safe location, 800 miles away, can see and hear the local storm trackers and weather forecasters, by streaming a live feed over the internet, sounding the warning that if those individuals in the tornado's path cannot get below ground, they had better leave if they didn't want to risk losing their life.  Your loved-one is IN that path they keep mentioning over and over again.  Keep in mind, the horrific scenes from the Moore tornado were only 9 days old.  These were seasoned forecasters - and even they were sounding a little freaked out.  That is what we can hear, that is what we tell Jordan, that is what he tells his mom - BEGGING to her that he wants to leave and go someplace safer.  You could hear the fear in his voice.  And?  She scoffs.

Scoffs.

SCOFFS!

It's been over a month, and yet I still want to reach out and strangle...someone.  This was, in it's totality, her move as if to say - "I am not going to do something, just because they (meaning Dean and me) are telling me to do it.".  That is all it was.  She was so DETERMINED to make her point and to be the one in charge, that she forgot to be the grown-up in the first place. 

The map above shows a second star, a purple one.  This is where Jordan and his mom eventually sheltered at.  After our third phone call that afternoon in the span of 20 minutes, where we went over what safety precautions he could take if they were indeed staying put, we heard back from Jordan about 10 minutes later that he and his mom were driving south to a hospital, where they figured they could wait it out in an interior corridor.  This was now a full 30 minutes from when the first warnings to GET OUT came.  (This would be the hospital that was eventually hit by the tornado)  They moved on from there, for whatever reason, and eventually ended up (at Jordan's suggestion) at a Homeland Grocery store, sheltering in a meat locker with 30 or so other people.  If that had been her move, when the warnings first came, I would be applauding her.  But not for this.  It was Jordan that got them to safety - not her.  If she had put aside her petty control issues and phoned Dean herself, and came up with an evacuation game plan WITH him, for the sake and safety of THEIR son, I would have been so grateful.

Co-parenting can be so much better than this.  But it takes a willingness to work as a team.  I am regarded as the enemy by her.  Jordan is routinely asked by her if I am treating him okay, or if I yell at him or push him around.  I have been accused of forcing Jordan to raise the kids for me - that in fact (and this is precious), the only reason I keep him at home to "homeschool" him, is so that he will take care of the kids for me.  Jordan was actually quite angered by this, and told me that he set her straight, reminding her that 'he is the big brother, and that is what older sibling do" (duh), and that he is homeschooled because he had such a rough start in public education.  The general classroom is not the best place for him with his ADHD.  Her response? "Oh..."

I've been thinking about the whole 'step-mother' short shrift for some time now...  Just like parents of every stripe out there, there are people of every sort.  Just because you are a biological parent, doesn't, by default, make you a good one - make you the better choice.  The better adult-figure in a child's life can be the neighbor down the street, the teacher, the grandparent, and yes... even step-parents.  I'm am not saying this to toot my own horn.  What I am saying is that she is trying to sell Jordan on the 'Disney' version of the mean, unfair (and ugly) stepmother, and he is not buying it.  In fact, he confided in his dad that he resents the way Disney always portrays the stepmother figure.  He says it is an unfair depiction.  I love that kid...

I do have a lot more to say on this subject, but I think I will let it wait for another time.

Free ranging at an airport

I, for the most part, embrace the concept of free range parenting. There are some things, however, that I have not been able to let go. I don't let my kids play at the park alone. I don't let them play in the front yard alone, or bike up and down the street alone - except for Jordan. Our specific neighborhood plays a big role in that decision. We live on the corner of a busy 4-way stop. A lot of drivers just blow through the intersection. We have the unfortunate circumstance of having many budding teenage drivers for neighbors. They just speed past the stop sign and barrel on down the street to their house. It is just not safe to let the kids out.

I don't hover at the edge of playground equipment, or make a big fuss over banged-up appendages. I let the 13 year old babysit. He and a friend were dropped off at a FunPlex recently, to hang by themselves for a couple of hours. So we are pretty adamant about giving frequent doses of responsibility to the kids as they age. Rylan and Owen regularly practice knife skills in the kitchen. Colin practices knife skills on the furniture. Rylan is learning how to use the stove, and Jordan has been using the stove and oven for a long time now. He does frequently need to be reminded to turn things OFF, though.

But the true test of Free Range came a couple of weeks ago. Jordan has been making solo plane trips from Denver to Oklahoma City since he was about 8 years old. In all that time, there has never been a mishap. In the past year, we have been working on increasing his independence with regards to these trips to the airport. The last time he flew home, he navigated from the gate he arrived at to the concourse train, and then on to the arrivals area in the main concourse, all on his own. I met him there, at arrivals, with the aid of a cell phone call to guide us to a meeting spot. He was ecstatic about doing it on his own.

Jordan just left for his summer visitation with his mom in Oklahoma on May 22nd. We were already running 15 minutes behind when we arrived at the airport, and then we encountered long lines at check-in. I asked Jordan if he wanted to go to the gate by himself. He said he wanted company - that he likes it when we send him off. Fair enough, but getting passes for all three kids and myself was going to add to the wait. Then we had long security lines. We got on the concourse train, and we began making plans. Jordan had exactly nine minutes to get to the gate. He was going to make a mad dash for the gate the second the train arrived. I would follow with the kids. Of course his gate was at the FAR end of the concourse. The train stopped and Jordan bolted out the door and up the escalator faster than I have ever seen him move. (He's going to come to regret that I saw that...). He was nowhere to be seen by the time we got to the gate. I called his cell just to make sure he was actually on the plane. I asked him to ask the person sitting next to him if he was on the plane to Oklahoma. The adjacent gate was boarding as well, and they were going to Florida. Just making sure!

We stayed at the gate and watched all of the departure preparations. We watched the plane take off. Owen cried when the plane banked and flew beyond our view. Then my cell beeped with a text message. Dean was letting me know that large thunderstorms were approaching OKC, and tornadoes were predicted. Great. I had just put Jordan on a plane to send him straight into a huge storm. Over the course of the next hour the storm grew, and Jordan's plane was diverted. The storm spawned an EF-5 tornado, and it decimated the southern side of Moore (several miles south of Jordan's mom's house), claiming several victims.

Now, we knew that morning of his flight that storms were a possibility. There had been bad storms in the OKC area the night before. When we packed up his backpack, I made sure he had plenty of snacks and some extra money, 'just in case'. "In case of what?", Jordan asked me. The chances of his plane being diverted was pretty high, and who knows where he would end up? Jordan looked a little nervous at the thought. The plan had been to get to the airport and eat lunch on the concourse, just before he boarded his flight at 12:30 pm. The long lines dashed all hopes of eating. So, when I heard that his plane was diverted to Amarillo, I felt terrible, knowing he was hungry and stuck on a plane. A bag of mini-Oreos wasn't going to go far... Then we got word that he was flying on to Dallas, where he would have a two hour layover and then a board a different plane.

This was good news to me, since that meant he could get something to eat. Jordan told his dad he would walk around and find something good. We were satisfied that he was totally capable of handling himself and being safe. But the other parent in this picture, Jordan's mother, was not satisfied. She was completely freaked out. She told Jordan that he would NOT be wandering the airport to get something to eat. (Yeah, good luck with that..). She called him multiple times, just to see that he was alright. Dean texted him once. I texted him once, after one hour of the layover had passed, ("Everything good?"), and then I called him once, when I knew it was time for him to be at the gate. I called for two reasons. One, I knew that it was evening, and his meds would be wearing off. My concern was that he would be so involved with a game on his iPod, that he might lose track of time. Two, he has the tendency to rush when he is stressed, and I wanted to make sure he took his time and had the correct flight and gate. When he answered, he was totally aware of what time it was, AND he was at the correct gate. Awesome job, Jordan! He did sound harried, though, because of the endless calls and texts from his mom. I wish she could understand that he is a capable young man, and to trust him more.

Of course every child is different, but we strongly believe that it is age appropriate for a 13 year old to be able to successfully navigate an airport for a couple of hours, in an emergency situation. We have been working on independence skills just for this very scenario. He is not afraid to approach an adult with questions or to ask for help. He knows how to judge a person to know whether they are safe to approach in the first place. He had money, and he knows how to use it, sparingly. He had a phone, in case of emergency. He knows how to problem solve. He's experienced independence in smaller doses in an effort to bolster his self-confidence. That is what raising children is about. You want confident, good decision-makers that can handle themselves accordingly when things don't go as planned - because you won't always be there to hold their hand.

Was I worried? I suppose, a little. I was worried that he would waste his money on candy. That was my main worry. I wasn't worried about abductions, child predators, drug dealers, getting lost, getting mugged...nope. I totally put that stuff out of my mind. I was worried about candy, of all things! And I was worried that he might be tempted to turn off his phone, if his mom irritated him enough. It's happened before.

Jordan has had plenty of practice with decision-making in the past. Some were good, some were head-smackingly awful. (what-were-you-thinking!?!?!?). Luckily, most of the price tags for those mini-lessons in life were small. We want to keep it that way.

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"What if" Scenarios...

What if...

You took your children out for lunch.  Your stepson will be leaving in a week to go spend his customary six weeks with his mom and stepdad, so you practice the art of conversation while eating by asking him what kinds of activities are planned for while he is there. 

"None". 

"You aren't going to go anywhere?"

"Well, no, I don't think so.  Well, I don't really know."

"Will you go back to that Lake that you visited last summer?"

(note - we had next to no information about this lake he had gone to last summer.  He couldn't tell us the name of the place, what it looked like, how long it took to get there... even who he was with.  Just a fountain of information isn't he??)

"Maybe.  I don't know.  I hope not because I don't really like that place.  It's all dirty and stuff.  I found a whole bunch of garbage there."

-Pause- 

(Breathe)

"What do you mean by, 'garbage'?"

"Well, in this barbed wire fence area, underneath the edge of the road, there were all these bleach bottles.  A whole pile of them!  Why would there be so many bleach bottles?"

**YES INDEED!  WHY???**

(breathe in, breathe out.  repeat.)

"You didn't touch them did you?"

"No!!  But why were they there?"

"Did you tell your mom?"

"Yeah, she just said it was some garbage.  Somebody must have been cleaning something."

"Jordan, have you ever heard of Crystal Meth?"

"No.  Is that some kind of rock?"

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So what would you do?  What would you say?  If you don't know why I am so upset by this, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.  But just this one time.  (I will not, however, be giving it to Jordan's mom, WHO SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

This scene took place in eastern Oklahoma, at Lake Eufaula. (We just found that out last night)  In the United States, in rural areas all over the country (but concentrated in the South), people are constructing Meth labs.  They use old trailers, houses, even apartments to conduct their dirty work.  A wide variety of toxic chemicals are needed to make Methamphetamine - bleach is one of them.  You need a lot of it.  This creates a lot of waste that you need to get rid of, and because the sheer volume and unique contents of the garbage, it is a calling card that you are cooking meth.  So what to do?  Drive out on some rural road and dump it.  It is not just plain 'ol garbage though.  It is contaminated.  It is freakin' toxic!  When you see clean-up operations on the news, the authorities are wearing Haz Mat suits. 

(breathe)

So now you know what Crystal Meth is - and how to recognize the toxic waste that the whole operation leaves behind.  Jordan knows this too....now.

But wait!  Our scenario gets worse!

Jordan was brought to this **lovely** place by his mom and stepdad.  This is supposed to be a really nice lake.  Huge in fact.  The stepdad's family (a sister, I think) had just purchased some land **For real cheap!! What a deal!!**  (THREE GUESSES AS TO WHY IT WAS SO #$%@! CHEAP!) at the lake.  That is why they were there - to see the place and have a family gathering/picnic kind of deal.  Land that has a toxic meth dump site on it.  Land on which the previous owner had a trailer that was trashed while he was in the hospital.  He sold it soon after.  To step dad's relatives.  Gee.  I wonder why the trailer was trashed?  You don't really have to bit hit over the head here, to connect the dots.

We listened to Jordan talking on the phone with his mother last night to try to at least glean a few more details.  To sum it up, she thinks that we are accusing stepdad's family of cooking and dealing meth.  She is fuming mad, and asks Jordan over and over again if that is what we are saying.  That is, of course, NOT what we are saying.  She is totally missing the point.

Here is the important information that she is NOT processing:

1)  Her son, while in her care, discovered a potentially dangerous (if not deadly) pile of trash, and she did not tell us. (What was his degree of exposure?)  Or him, for that matter.

2)  He did the right thing by telling her right away what he had found.

3)  She did the wrong thing by either a) being truly ignorant and not recognizing the danger OR b) being completely negligent in making this an educational opportunity to discuss what it was that he actually found and to discuss the wide variety of dangers posed by Crystal Meth.  I think I will go with 'b'.

4) That her son is curious - and if they go back there this summer (which they might), he will look for more - just to see if he can find it.  Despite being warned of the dangers, he will go looking.  That is just who he is...

Step parenting is so hard.  I am so glad that there is this physical distance in place here, because I can imagine I would be standing on her front lawn with a bull horn quite frequently.  The nine weeks throughout the year that Jordan spends there are difficult for us to bear.  We constantly fear for what he is inadvertently being exposed to.  He has to stay in a rough neighborhood.  He has no playmates there (that is actually a good thing), but he does have one that lives near his maternal grandparents, who he plays with a couple of times a week.  We have never met this boy, so we don't know what he is like.  Jordan is not always a good judge of character.  He also lacks common sense and falls prey to pressure way to easily.  Given these circumstances, we know that it is just a matter of time of 'when' Jordan will be offered drugs.  Not 'if', but 'when'.  All we can do is educate him, educate him, educate him and hope for the best.  What Jordan does have going for him is that eventually he always tells the truth.  If he sees something odd, he will ask about it.  It may take a full year (as with the case of the bleach bottles) but he will eventually tell you.  He knows right from wrong.  He is not openly defiant.  But he is eleven... and he doesn't always stop to think before he acts.  His impulsivity could very well be his downfall.

I have no idea of the readership of this blog.  I may have touched off a firestorm here (and caused my inlaws to permanently hate me), but you know what?  I don't care - Jordan is partially my responsibility and I have to say something when his safety is jeopardized.  They don't live this life day-after-day (and see how messed up he is after a visit), and I can't hold my frustrations in any more.  I'm in therapy remember??  It isn't healthy to keep stuffing it down and hope that it will get better over time.  I am Jordan's stepmom.  I promised to love him and devote myself to his well-being the day (tomorrow!) I married his daddy.  She won't ever change.  She is who she is, and Jordan loves her and that is what is important.  All I can do is be the best mom I can be when he is here, parent my ass off, and hope that it is enough to keep him going when he is not here.

Meet the Family: Jordan

Parked along the sea wall in Galveston, TX. Oct 2010
I look at this picture any time I need a laugh - Jordan's expression says it all...

Jordan is my eleven year old stepson.  He moved out to Colorado with his daddy, Dean, when Dean's company transferred him.  Dean has had sole custody of Jordan since he was two.  I first met Jordan when he was just a couple of months shy of his fifth birthday.

Jordan's number-one strength is that he is adaptable.  A lot of serious life events have happened in his eleven years so far... a divorce, a move, a new preschool, a new step mom and a move, a new elementary school, a new sister, transition to homeschooling, a new brother, another new brother and perhaps the most upsetting of all was his mother's diagnosis of stage 4 colorectal cancer 14 months ago.  Through it all, Jordan has managed to weather it all fairly well.

Jordan has several unique gifts (although sometimes they are a burden as well).  Jordan has ADHD.  The symptoms are manageable for the most part.  His ability to focus on ONE thing is compromised, he is impulsive, jittery, outspoken and interrupts constantly.  Kindergarten was a nightmare!  His classroom was situated just one room away from mine, and the way our school was configured (no hallway), I would have to walk through his room with my class to travel elsewhere in the school.  I hardly ever saw him in there.  Where was he??  Well, for the most part, he was spending time in the 'refocus room', where students who are misbehaving are sent to stare at the wall  pull it together.  He was sent every day, several times a day.  First grade was not much better.  We had high hopes at the beginning of that school year.... he would have a veteran teacher, be in a class of just 14 students, and had an intervention plan written out where he could go to the Moderate Needs room when he needed time to focus - away from the hub-bub of the regular classroom.  As it turned out - the 'veteran' teacher (who should have been able to redirect him when he needed it) sent him to Moderate Needs for most of the day, every day.  He got to participate in very short-lived doses of all the super fun things that first-graders do.  By the end of the year he was miserable.  To top it off, he was witnessing some off-the-charts behavior from his fellow students in the Moderate Needs room.  Students who were there for emotional/behavioral stuff... if you catch my drift.  After receiving some particularly graphic drawings from a psychotic disturbed little boy, Jordan was beginning to dread going to school.  When the year was over, we decided that both of us were officially 'done' with public school.

It is interesting that the 'inappropriate' behaviors that Jordan exhibits in the classroom are what makes homeschooling such a successful option for him.  He is curious, inventive, and he will doggedly pursue his interests.  That being said, we would not be able to make homeschooling work for us if we didn't actively work to suppress his symptoms to a manageable degree.  I was all for using drugs in Kindergarten and first grade (just to make his teachers happy), and then I backed off.  I thought that a change in environment (learning in the home) and dietary changes would be enough.  I do believe his diet plays a part in it.  For almost two years now we have been tinkering with dosages and different meds to find the perfect balance.  We avoid artificial food coloring - Yellow #5 seems to be particularly problematic.  Give him some orange soda and he will go completely nuts.  Well, after the better part of a year, I realized that the combination of his behaviors and my frustration level with him was damaging our personal relationship.  I have always chosen to deal with him with a heavy hand, mostly because he can come across as completely obnoxious if he isn't on his meds, and I am super-sensitive to how he behaves in public.  I have this hang-up that my children's behavior is a personal reflection on me and how well I am doing my job as a parent.  A completely selfish and controlling aspect of my personality.  that's why I am in therapy, people!!  Yet, I am sure, that others would interpret his behavior as just your average kid.  I think that you don't really 'know' what it is like until you live with the behavior, day in and day out, weeks, months, and years on end.  So be nice and don't judge me.  :)  In the past six years, the symptoms have dramatically improved.  I do look forward to the day when he has enough self-awareness that he can manage the behaviors on his own.  Do the drugs interfere with his creativity?  Nope.  We have a good combo (20mg of Vyvanse for the day and .5 mg Risperidone and 3mg of Melatonin at night) that helps take the edge off of his inattentiveness and helps him to filter out the plethora of stimuli that comes his way each day.  Does it make him a zombie or change his personality???  Not a bit.

If I were suddenly in the throes of divorce and lost custody, I would live where my kids live.  I could not imagine living without them or not being an intimate part of their lives.  But life happens, and that is not always possible.  In Jordan's case, his mother lives in OKC, where all of Dean's family resides as well.  Her parents live there, and since she is an only child, they depend on her as they advance in years.  Picking up and leaving is not an option.  Jordan goes on visitation with his mother (and stepfather) three times a year - rotating holidays (Thanksgiving or Christmas), Spring Break, and six weeks in summer.  The visits go fairly well, but there is always a very rough 'reentry' period of time after an extended visit.  Life there is, umm..., much different then it is here.  To help bridge the cultural gap, I constantly strive to help Jordan 'connect' with his mom.  She calls every day, which is a very good thing.  The conversations though, are typically short.  You can tell that both parties are asking the same, tired questions.  I feel like an intruder, but I try and guide Jordan to tell her the more interesting aspects of his day (which he typically forgets) and to have deeper conversations with her.  I want him to get to 'know' her, and more importantly, for her to get to 'know' him.  She needs to know that he likes going to museums.  He likes to read.  He likes watching interesting science/history/geography stuff on TV like NOVA Science Now, Mythbusters, Nature, anything on Nat Geo, and so forth.  Follow your children's interests and you can form a real bond and have fun at the same time.  In this case, it will be difficult.  Even I could hear the disdain in her voice through the phone the other day when he told her he was watching NOVA.  "You watch that?"  (face palm)  I have my work cut out for me.

Jordan is smart.  He learns best by doing.  He pulls down the microscope at least once a day to look at something he found outside.  He will make five new friends within minutes of arriving at a playground.  He is funny.  He must have at least a handful of Lego pieces with him at all times.  His hands can be busy with the most complicated of things, yet he will listen to and repeat back all that you say to him.  (that can be infuriating when you think he isn't listening...)  He constantly wants to be a part of whatever you are doing - cooking especially.  He loves to make funny movies with his siblings on his camera.  He loves Sponge Bob.  And he has a crush on a girl (Naomi) in his karate class.  He is affectionate.  He insists on hugging every family member at bed time.  He helps around the house or with his siblings without complaint.  He is my right hand, and I couldn't do what I do without him.  I just need to tell him that more often.  And be less strict.  really, I'm trying!

Mommy's dissin' Santa Claus

Okay - this missive has been brewin' for awhile, and I don't care who I piss off by getting this off my chest. The last straw was added to the pile today, and my steam vents need to let off some pressure....

Jordan is my 9 year old stepson. He lives here, with us, but visits his mother three times a year - 6 weeks in summer, alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, and 1 week for Spring Break. We are currently in the middle of his annual summer visit with mom. Mom lives in another state and we have differing ideas about what it means to be a responsible parent.

In the weeks leading up to each and every visit, she compiles a list of his favorite foods so that she can shop before he arrives. As sweet and endearing as this ritual is, this list is composed primarily of every kind of junk food there is and is her way to pull her child close to her by giving him all that he wants.

We have, over the years, gained the impression that Jordan does not have much to do when he visits his mom. There are a few visits here and there with other family members, but the vast majority of his time is spent watching TV or playing video games. He comes home in a very addicted state. It takes weeks to get him back to the point where he is not asking every 10 minutes - "Can I watch a movie? Can I play the Wii?"

Every visit (Summer is the worst), we go through a process of getting him back on track - sort of like cleaning up after a messy party. Well, this summer has gone unexpectedly south in a very short amount of time. About a week ago, during his daily phonecall, Jordan revealed (privately so that his mom wouldn't hear) that his mom had told him that Santa did not exist. Just came right out and told him - out of the blue. It is the middle of summer (!!) and for no apparent reason she brought it up. She effectively ended not only his belief in Santa, but also the Easter Bunny, the toothfairy and anything else that held a shred of childhood magic. Yes, Jordan is 9 - but a young nine. No, he was not without a little doubt, but he still believed, none the less. And we were happy to let him continue - knowing full well that pretty soon, in the next year or so, he would inadvertantly figure it out on his own. We did not expect his mom to come out of left field and just end it. And to make matters worse, she told him that he had better not tell his dad that it was she who told him 'the truth'. How unfair is that? Now that puts Jordan in a tough spot - if she finds out we know, she'll know he told us despite her warning and that will become a trust issue between them. Again - how unfair to put him in that position. How unfair to put us in that position! We should be able to express our disappointment and defend Jordan's right to a naturally progressing childhood - one that reveals the mysterious world of 'adulthood' at a more appropriate age. I am so upset that still - after a weeks time - I could spit. How unfair! She not only ruined it for him (for only personal gain, no less - it's our guess that she just doesn't want to have to keep up the charade anymore) but it ruins it for our kids as well. Jordan cannot keep a secret to save his life - I predict our kids will know years before they should.

But no - this was not the last straw. That came today. Jordan went to see a PG13 movie today, with his grandma. Jordan had requested this particular movie (and most likely knew full well what the rating was...) and asked his grandma to take him to see it. His grandma had the good sense to question the movie's rating, and called to check with his mom before she took him to the movie. His mom ok'ed it. His mom knows that we don't allow him to watch PG13 movies yet. For the very reason - HE IS ONLY NINE!!! Let a kid be a kid, for goodness sake! Why can't kids just be left alone to enjoy what little childhood they get? Why does the media have to push bad language and suggestive adult 'stuff'onto kids? Why can't his mother be more thoughtful and senstive to the nature of him still being a child? She all of a sudden wants him to bypass childhood and be a teenager. I believe that she does these things on purpose because she has issues with which parent has the control. We don't want this to be a control issue - we just try to parent rationally, and she wants to parent emotionally. (If she goes after Jordan's emotional needs by giving him what he wants - more freedom w/o direction - she wins, right?) It would be overstepping our bounds to expect that she and her husband parent as exactly as we do, but one would think that our expectation that Jordan be spared from witnessing things on screen that he doesn't really need to see or hear just yet would be respected.

I believe in the spirit of Santa! I believe that there is a time and a place to leave certain elements of childhood behind - and it must be childled, and in the child's best interest. Children have a way of knowing a parent's motive, even if the parent thinks they have concealed it. Jordan knows that (while with his mom) he is eating, watching, saying, and doing things that he should not. The fact that one parent lets him do it and the other doesn't is also apparent to him. One day he will come to realize this distinct difference. I hope he has the fortitude to ask - "Why didn't you care enough to set some limits?".

It is hard being the step parent. I am very caught in the middle as well. I am not his mother, yet I take up the parenting role every day. I set limits and I enforce them. I make sure that he is fed well, body and mind, and that each day is a new opportunity to take the reins and learn something new. I don't profess to be the very best mom, or step mom there is, but I try hard, each and every day, to let him (and my other children) know that I take parenting very seriously. You don't always get a second chance to learn some hard lessons. Lessons like looking both ways before crossing the street, falling in with the wrong group of friends, and using drugs and alcohol. If you don't set limits for the easy stuff, how can you expect them to listen and take you seriously when it comes to the hard stuff?