"The 'Stuff' in the Stuffing" Therapy Session 2: The Victim Mentality and Control

The stuffing's coming out...

 

There are people in this world that will always hold on to a victim's mentality as a way to explain away their failures, or to gain sympathy in a play for greater control.  'Victims' are quick to blame others when things go wrong.  I confess that I have difficulty getting along with the 'victims' in this world.  I am very much of the mindset that you don't let life 'happen' to you, and you don't wait around for others to fix it for you.  If you do, then your unhappiness is your own fault.  It only takes a few minutes of conversation for me to figure out if I am dealing with a victim, and then I spend the rest of the time trying to figure out how to distance myself.

Control is an elusive thing for those that think that life is unfair, because they so often let others call the shots in the first place.  But if given the opportunity to be in charge in some small degree, it is especially important to predefine with that type of person where the control lies and define roles.  In my case the problems arose immediately and then from there it was a constant tug of war.  I never agreed that my control was up for the taking in the first place, but as the rope was yanked and pulled harder and harder, I let go because the stress was too much and it was clearly not worth it.  In letting go, I think I also made it clear that the control issue does not lie with me. I have spent hours over the past year wondering whether or not I am indeed the one with the problem. I care deeply about the trust that had been implied when I took a leadership position. With that trust came the promise that I would keep things safe, organized, fun and educational for the girls and communicate effectively with the parents. When I saw a breakdown of that trust because of the actions of another, I stepped in and did my best to rectify the situation. Is that controlling? Even when it was my job in the first place?

Shared leadership among women can be so contentious, yet it can also be very supportive and affirming.  I've been a part of many teams over the years, and the ones that get the nod are those that take the pains to line out the role of each member and stick with the plan - with no one individual demanding more or doing less that the rest.

If I am to take anything away from this, it is that it is imperative to know who you are working worth.  Really know them.  And to never take organization and planning for granted - it is best to be clear from the beginning who does what - and to write it down.

"The 'Stuff' in the Stuffing" Therapy Session 1: Introduction

All this week I am going to write a series of posts that are centered around all of the tough emotional things that I have been stuffing down over the past year.  I've been stuffing because there really was no way to release it - and I'll explain why.  And why here, on my blog?  I've found that writing is the best form of therapy for me.  I also know that some of the best ideas on handling interpersonal relationships has come from other blogs - reading about how other moms handled issues with their kids, husbands, family members and other moms.  So, I thought I would bring my troubles to the table and that hopefully someone out there understands what I have been through and what I am struggling with.

I would have said a lot of this a long time ago, if it weren't for the fact that the individual who was the primary catalyst for all of this strife makes it a point to read my blog every day - sometimes to the point where it feels like she is stalking me.  Comments are sometimes submitted just minutes after I post.  She has also cut and pasted some of my work on to her blog - right down to the formatting.  (Didn't think I would notice?  Basic blog etiquette - don't copy unless you have permission and link back to the source.  Also, I included an extra daybook question of my own in that list that Simple Woman doesn't have.  That same question is on your list...) 

I have curtailed my thoughts and censored my feelings because I had no other choice - I still had to maintain a civil working relationship with her.  The end of our active season of scouting came with the last day of camp this past Friday, and I could finally stop having to pretend that I could tolerate this horribly dysfunctional situation.  I got home and there was the email from her - chock full of each and every element of my frustration over this past year.  I felt the seams rip.  My stuffing was coming out sideways!  I am done.  Finito.

I will now have my say.