Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... Beautiful sunshine for now, but it will be a hot one today...

I am thinking... oh my head is full this week... I am thinking about my upcoming ACL surgery and I still can't decide if I want a donor tendon or do a patellar graft.  I am thinking about how the craziness of house repair will most likely start while I am recovering next month (joy).  I am thinking about house repair.  The insurance adjuster totalled our roof, gutters, shutters, screens, some of the windows, some of the trim work, the paint, and maybe the garage door?  Luckily the contractor we will be working with can do all of the work, but it will be a headache to coordinate it all, get the new stuff picked out, get approval from the HOA and so on and so on...  I feel an urgency to get it all done NOW, before our contractor gets booked elsewhere, and we will still be waiting as the snow falls.  Our car is scheduled to get it's body repair work done - in NOVEMBER.  It will be in the shop for 16 days!  I have never made claims before, so this is all new to me and I am just astounded at the damage estimates.  Dean, the OK native, seems nonplussed by it all.  As I walk around the neighborhood, I see more and more roofer signs every day in various yards.  This is going to be one very noisy neighborhood for the next several months.  That really bums me out because I love to have the windows open in the fall, but it will be impossible to get any schoolwork done, listening to hammering all day.  

I am thankful... That Jordan's cell phone was found.  He lost it as he was packing up at scout camp this past Saturday.  The phone wasn't even supposed to BE AT CAMP.  This is also his third phone, so he got lectured inside and out by both of us.  To top it all off, he got home on Saturday, and was leaving in less than 24 hours to fly to OK to stay for the next month.  Not an ideal situation.   Jordan called both boys he was tenting with and asked them to search through their stuff - and they did - to the extent that any 13/14 year old boy knows how to search.  It was finally found it a couple days later (AFTER Jordan had flown back to OK and AFTER Dean had driven 2+ hours back to camp to search the tent site) in, of all places, a baseball gear bag of one of the boys.  He found it while at practice.  I can imagine that his stuff in his room must be in layers, and the camping gear was thrown on top of the baseball gear and the phone slipped out of wherever it was in the camping stuff and fell into the baseball stuff.  Dean had noticed at camp that Jordan and his tent mates had the messiest tent of everybody - so it is no surprise it got lost.

I am thankful that Jordan earned his Life scout rank while at camp.  His three merit badges that he earned while there which helped him over the hurdle.  I had no idea he was on the verge of that.  A long while ago I made the conscious decision to detach myself from his scout activities and badges and so forth.  It is his journey, his work that will get him where he wants to be, and he is in charge of getting there, at his pace.

I am also very, very thankful for insurance.  State Farm really came through with fair and accurate assessments of the damage.  I wish it hadn't taken so long, but I know now that it took time to get adjusters here from out of state, given the scope of the damage across the area.

From the Learning Rooms... I got a call from our principal at Calvert yesterday, and she went over the assessment tests and discussed placement with me.  It all went as I expected - Owen in K, Rylan in 2nd, and Jordan in 8th.  Jordan's math skills are coming in at a solid 7th.  I guess I was expecting that too, it's just hard to hear, and it's a huge hit on my personal pride - because it's my fault.  We have been too busy and too distracted these past couple of years and have fallen behind, and it is precisely why I have cleared the decks in our schedule, so to speak, for this coming year, and beyond.  The boy can run circles around me doing math in his head, but when it comes to the easy stuff - the stuff that always trips you up on a test, he stumbles every time.  I was hard-pressed NOT to look over his answers before I packaged everything up and sent it off last month.  We are ready for pre-algebra, and that is where she assured me he would start.  They use Singapore at Calvert.  I'm not a fan of Singapore, but I suppose it's not fair that I say that because we've never done it before, but in looking it over, it seems, well...a bit boring and very linear?  We love using MEP, and I think MEP does a fantastic job of stretching the concept all around in different ways to drive home how to approach an equation.   I refuse to drop MEP once we start Calvert.  It will be a supplement - I just can't let it go.  Anyway, the curriculum should be arriving just about the beginning of August.  That will give me the time I need to plug away at our schedule, and do a soft start with all of them.  It will be most brutal on Jordan, who will have done next to nothing all summer, with the exception of Minecraft. (the bane of my existance).

In the kitchen... I am making rhubarb crisp this morning for breakfast.  I wound up with a ton of rhubarb when the hail destroyed my plant.  I was able to salvage quite a bit, and the plant is already making a nice comeback.

I am wearing... pjs.

I am creating... A calendar and chore chart for the kids.  I am annoyed by them asking all the time what we are doing and when, so I got a large white board calendar and color-coded dry erase markers to fill it in each month.  The smaller-sized kitchen calendar is too pretty to muck it all up with scribbles all over the place.  Plus, I want the kids to begin the habit of adding their own stuff.   For the chore chart, I am going with a piece of sheet metal in a frame, magnetic chore cards and lots of tape, so we'll see what I come up with.  Pinterest has been a great inspiration.  I promise I will post when it is done.

I am going... Physical Therapy this afternoon for me, and Rylan to the orthodontist after that.  She may be getting her lower braces on today.

I am wondering... How to manage the stress... I can only walk so far for so long.  I miss running.

I am reading... Still working on The Happiness Project, and then I picked up three new reads from the library: Firefly Lane and Fly Away, both by Kristin Hannah, and Margin: Restoring Emotional, Physical, Financial, and Time Reserves to Overloaded Lives, by Richard Swenson.  I've seen that title referred to in the past couple of books I've read, so I am taking a look.  Dean also ordered a book from Amazon for me - Smart but Scattered Teens, by Guare, Dawson and Guare.  Jordan is really struggling with executive function, and I need this to help me ease up on him and get off his back.  His behavior has improved tons in past few years, but it still comes down to being able to focus - and as you can imagine, schoolwork, being able to finish a task and remembering to do things are the biggest issues.  I suppose it is timely because I also discussed this very issue with his psychiatrist at our last check-up.  I wanted some advice, routines, resources..whatever,  to help Jordan get some self-management skills in place.  First, he scoffed and said that even his patients in their early 20's still struggle with that.   And then you know what he recommended??  A sticker/reward chart.  Again.  Three years later, we are having THE SAME EFF'ING CONVERSATION.  I need this book, and we need a new doc.

In the garden... Nine, rather beaten-up tomato plants that have about a 50/50 chance of making it, chives that won't quit, and a really plucky rhubarb.  And a nice selection of weeds.  Still.  I know...

I am hoping... For patience.

I am looking forward to... therapy today (ready for some new exercises) and a summer movie tomorrow with the kids, followed by swimming.

I am learning... just for kicks, I looked up how to check your Google history to look up things I've been searching for.  And here is what I've found.  I spend waaaaay to much time on the computer.  I need to set a timer for myself!

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories (I LOVE THIS ALBUM!), and the kids playing in the garage.  So far this morning Owen has shot himself in the eye with bug spray and had a shoving match with Colin.  I don't know why they like playing in the garage.  All they do is ride their bikes in circles, search for spiders and get into stuff they shouldn't.  

Around the house... lots of dust bunnies because Abby is shedding.  I will be contacting the contractor today to set up a time to look over shingle samples.  We aren't changing the color, but I suppose we need to pick something.  I really hope the HOA moves quickly on this.  I imagine their office is flooded with requests already.

I am pondering... how this will all come together, and when, and how much it will set us back, financially (the house, surgery, school)

One of my favorite things... Ice cold McAlister's Sweet Tea on a hot day

A few plans for the rest of the week... violin lesson, movie, swimming, a Luau party at our church and Rylan begins girl scout summer day camp next week.  I need to get her water shoes for the canoeing portion.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing... 

Two things: First is Jordan's first GoPro YouTube video that he edited and set to music.  He must have figured it out how to do it all on his own - now he needs to teach me!  He just uploaded it this week, within hours of arriving in OK, and after conferring with Dean over the phone about the finer details of music credit and so forth.  This is Dean and I on the Mind Eraser (if you have vertigo issues - DON'T WATCH), in May.  We got the front seat, and Dean is wearing the GoPro.  I loved the ride, but screamed the whole way - thank goodness there is awesome music for you to listen to instead.

And here is a picture Colin took of Rylan walking by the pool at swimming lessons last week:

I love the splash and the reflection...

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Favoritism, Hail, Surgery and Flowers

 Favoritism

As per custom over the years, when Jordan arrives home from a stay with his mom in OK, he will eventually share some annoying and typically hurtful comment that his mom made in his presence - usually directed at either 'us' or 'me'.  This time it was about our switching to Calvert this coming school year.  We have enrolled in Colorado Calvert Academy, an online, virtual public school.  Calvert, for me, is all about the curriculum.  I have studied all of the grade levels (K-8) with a teacher's eye, lining up the scope and sequence with Colorado State Standards, and it makes me wish August were here already so we could start - that is how excited I am about it!  Calvert is not shy about letting parents know what the expectations are in the role they must play in this.  I am to expect that Jordan will have 5-6 hours of work per school day to slog through (count that as 7-8 for the distracted ADHD child), and I will need to be at his elbow for a significant part of it.  And not just Jordan, either.  There will also be Rylan and Owen to attend to.  Aaaaand to keep Colin from destroying the house in the process.  This also does not count the extras I fit in, like Nature Study, Lego League, chess club, swimming....   In Jordan's mom's eyes, this switch is because I have become lazy about homeschooling Jordan, and I want someone else to do it for me so I can spend more time with the other kids.  So I guess all of the children are getting the 'lazy treatment', because I don't show favoritism.  I. do. not. show. favoritism.  If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would in fact think quite the opposite.  My time and attention is predominantly spent with Jordan, because he is the oldest.  When you spent your entire day, day after day, surrounded by little kids, you crave any type of adult conversation you can find.  Poor Jordan has been my guinea pig.  As soon as he could sustain a conversation, we were talking.  We talk about everything under the sun - history, science, math, literature, religion, technology, child rearing, gardening.... and I think he enjoys it as much as I do, because he will recall many a conversation with me (several of which were prompted by the Core Knowledge reading for the day) and relate back to it in some way.

His mother's comments are serious button pushers for me.  I understand where they are coming from - she is no longer the principal parent, she feels threatened, she probably has a lot of anger and resentment, and I seem like the easy target.  That doesn't mean that these comments don't bother me.  They bother me a great deal.  The comments hurt my feelings and question my integrity.  Parenting a child should be a partnership, not a game of one-up-manship.  A child is a human being with feelings - not a piece of property.


Hail

We had a wicked hail storm late Tuesday night.  It went on for a very long time, and the average size was somewhere between a quarter and a golf ball.  Dean and I traveled from window to window, getting more and more excited as the hailstones grew in size.  This was the big one we have been hoping for!  The next morning revealed that the roof had taken its last stand (yay!), the window screens were shredded (yay!), the shutters on the front windows were cracked and even broken in places (meh), there are pits and dents in the garage door and trim (yay!), there are dents in the hood of the minivan (meh), the passenger side mirror is cracked (meh), and there are pits all over the fence.  We are still waiting for adjusters to look at house and car (State Farm - I am NOT impressed...), but we did have a roofer come out on Wednesday to have a look and I am pretty excited about the findings... ;)  Can't say much more than that at this point, but the house will be getting a makeover very, very soon.

Surgery

Yesterday I met with the surgeon I had picked out to do my knee surgery.  He has done the knees and shoulders of three of my relatives and several of Dean's coworkers, and they all sang very high praises.  He concurred that surgery needs to be done if I want to return to my favorite physical activities.  I guess there are people out there who elect not to do this because they don't want to go through the rehab.  An ACL replacement is not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it makes me sweat with fear thinking about it.  It is tough-going in the rehab department.  Like - really tough.  I am 42, and my age is affecting my prognosis.  I have elected to go with an autograft of my patellar tendon to replace the ACL.  This is the more difficult one to rehab - it will take longer and will be more painful.  It may mean that I can't ever quite get down on my knees again.  (thank goodness I don't have babies anymore, and don't expect my floors to look clean ever again).  I am choosing an autograft over an allograft (donation from a cadaver) because the thought of tissue rejection and infection scares me.  Plus, and I know this is weird, but the thought of someone elses' tissue in my body gives me the heebie-jeebies.  I know I would feel quite differently if the case were that I needed a new liver or something and couldn't live without a transplant, but in this case I just feel weird about it.  BUT - the fact that I am 42 means that being my own donor brings about other concerns.  My tendons are older, may not be as robust (too bad tendons aren't fatty tissue!  No problem there...), and may not give the best results. I've studied the outcomes and the percentages are not in my favor.  This is where I get scared.  What if I go through all of this and find out that my knee will still never be stable enough for skiing, hiking or running?  This instantly brings tears to my eyes.  I would be crushed.  Damn...

The surgery has tentatively been scheduled for July 31st.  I am to work very hard on my PT for the next three weeks to see if I can really improve my range of motion and strength.  He'll reassess at that time and decide whether or not that surgery date will work.  If I am not where I should be recovery-wise, the surgery will have to be pushed back.  Talk about pressure!  If the surgery gets pushed back, life will get seriously difficult - beyond difficult - if I can't drive by September.  I already have the mindset that we are taking off the month of August from absolutely everything, so that rehab is the only focus.  Then after August, I have 2-3 months of PT, twice to three times a week to look forward too.  Damn. Damn. Damn.  It will be difficult enough to launch a whole new curriculum and homeschooling rhythm, without throwing constant therapy appointments into the mix.  AAAGGHHH!  I hate stress.  :(

Flowers

As frustrating as this week was - although the hail was actually a good thing in our eyes - it was an act of kindness that helped sooth out the worries.  After I had arrived home with my appointment with the surgeon, the kids and I grabbed our rakes and cleaned up the mess left behind from the storm.  I had left it as-is in the hopes that an insurance adjuster would be along shortly to look at all the damage, but by Friday morning it was looking trashy, so I decided it was time to clean up.  As we were doing so, a van from a local greenhouse pulled up in front of our house.  At first I thought they were asking for directions.  Then I thought that maybe they were jumping out to help (lol...).  Nope - a guy and a girl hopped out and announced that they had been instructed to drive around and give away hanging flower baskets to any takers they could find, since the greenhouse had too many.  I was dumbfounded and so, so touched.  I think this was the owner's way of reaching out to those who had storm damage and give a little bit of happiness.  I called the company right away to express my heartfelt thanks.  I've got to remember in these tough and scary weeks ahead that I need to look for the good, and be thankful for what I do have.

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The week without screens...

Last Monday morning I abruptly announced that we would not be using screens for the entire week.  I collected the iDevices, stashed away all the remotes, warned Jordan that texting was not allowed (but allowed him to keep his phone on the kitchen counter) and made everybody sign a pledge.  I set some rules - the only screen time would be on the computer, doing school-related work.  (About 20% for the little kids, and 50% for Jordan), and Jordan could check his email three times a day.

Then, as the first half-hour passed by and wild-eyed kids- who were showing serious signs of withdrawal -roamed the house with dazed expressions, I sat everybody down and explained that we were doing this for our own good.  The devices were ruining school time.  They weren't playing together hardly at all anymore.  We needed to break some bad habits, and hours  - HOURS - spent TV watching weren't helping either.

Rylan seemed to suffer the least.  She is plenty happy with paints and paper, markers and paper, colored pencils and paper, stencils and paper, stickers and paper...  Just give the girl some paper.

Colin was in serious need of diversion.  He wandered aimlessly, and messed with everything he could think of.  He is used to having some loooong iPad sessions with videos he can watch from PBS Kids, or Reading Eggs or the kids' games.

Owen asked every half-day when they could have screens back.  He was sweet about it, but he just seemed 'lost' without my iPad and his Minecraft game.

Jordan took it the worst.  He took to sneaking "I AM SO BORED!" texts to his dad.  He got a reprieve from the no-screens rule on his birthday (the 9th), to play around with his new go-pro video thingy, he got to watch 'The Hobbit' that night with his dad after the other kids went to bed, and he got some gaming time with a friend that came over the next day/eve for birthday fun.  Despite that, he was by far the loudest complainer.  I caught him playing on the computer - using gaming headphones - early on Sunday morning (Mother's Day), when I came down to make some coffee.  He earned an extra SF day for that.  He also sat down multiple times all week, to "check his email', and was caught doing something else.  He claimed he was showing Rylan the website of the restaurant we were going to on his birthday.  coughbullshitcough.  Our whole family has been there multiple times.  His claims for needing 'to check something' were just getting ridiculous.  As far as teenage angst goes, his drama hit a high note yesterday when we informed him he had two extra days coming to him.  Tears.  Oh the tears!  His issues with screen time clearly dictate that he has an addiction problem.  It is to the exclusion of all else.  We could never follow the unschool route with him because he would never ever leave the gaming aside to fit in some learning.  I have some very real fears about how he will handle his addictive behavior in the future.  With him I know that he will always need something to occupy his time.  His ADHD makes it impossible for him to feel comfortable in an environment that is lacking outside stimuli.  I do know this, and I know that not all electronics are bad, but Jordan goes way beyond healthy levels of screen time on a daily basis.  Almost 85% of his interactions with friends occur over the computer.  That's just sad.

So the week wore on... they discovered Battleship, and Owen, our ever-resistant learner, learned some more letters and how to read coordinates on a grid.  Jordan plowed through the rest of Divergent, and got the next book in the trilogy - Insurgent, at the library on Wednesday, even though I knew he was getting it for his birthday from his friend on Saturday.  He finished it on Friday.  I don't think he absorbed hardly any of it though, so it is good that he owns his own copy of each book in the trilogy now.  The kids started playing again. They invented new things to do.  We cleaned and sorted the boys' bedroom.  Conversations in the car were happening again because they were now aware of stuff outside the car.  Before - even if it was a quick trip to the grocery store down the street, there was the immediate request to turn on the movie in the car.  yeah - this week was sorely needed.

Now, as for me?  Yes, I stayed off my one game that I have- Hay Day.  That was actually easy.  I stayed away from FB - with two exceptions - one was to share that Rylan and I are fundraising - for a 5K that I am running and a mile fun run that she is running - at the end of the month for the local pet shelter.  The other was to post about Jordan's birthday.  I didn't even post to my mom yesterday for Mother's Day.  (sorry mom).  So now I have a lot of catching up to do.  It was actually easy to stay away from FB.  So much of it is toxic these days.  I stayed away from the blog.  I stayed away from Flipboard (that is where my real addiction lies) and I stayed away from mindless surfing.

What I could not stay away from was email.  Damn email.  I hate email.  I had to make all of the final arrangements for Rylan's birthday party just this previous Saturday, arrange our last board meeting for the year (and bring an end to my duties - yay!), arrange the last meetings of the year for girl scouts (and bring an end to my duties - yay!), purchase the tickets for Jordan's birthday day at Elitch's, arrange Rylan's birthday gift surprise, google half a hundred things that I needed to know.... I spent a ridiculous amount on the computer this past week.  What a huge time suck.  

What I also noticed was how much I relied on the TV and iPad to occupy the kids and keep them out of my hair while I did stuff.  I am totally at fault for how much they were watching... :(

A very nice lesson for us all.  And the good thing - nobody has asked for any TV yet this morning...

The day when the child became the adult

 

 

We all work hard at this parenting gig, every single day.  Some days you get it right, and some days you don't.  We should all lift each other up, right?  But, then...what about when it gets personal?  Like when you share parenting duties between biological parents and step parents?  You pour as much of your brand of love and wisdom into a child, only to send them on to the other parent(s) who *just* doesn't quite see the world the same way.  I don't suffer in silence very well.  When there is a wrong, I've got to talk about it, and search my feelings for how to resolve it.

 

Jordan just had a very difficult weekend dealing with his mom (over the phone) about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving.  This is a routine that I have seen take place since the moment Jordan and his dad came into my life.  The couple of weeks leading up to visitation with his mother is always fraught with tension.  In Jordan's younger years, it was hyperactivity.  Promises made over the phone of the junk food and good times to come made those days practically unbearable.  His mind was already there, on vacation.  These days, it is quite different.  Instead of chomping at the bit to get there, Jordan is filled with anxiety, and dare I say...dread?  I will dare to say that.  I live with him.  I talk with him.  I see his moods change.  I hear him make plans about how he will spend his time there - and they are always accompanied by the remark - "So I don't go crazy with boredom because there is nothing else to do".  There is still junk food, but that lure worked on a small child.  There are still good times, but that lure pretty much revolves around getting to watch things on TV that he doesn't get to here, and he sees through that now.  And that is about it.  There is nothing else to look forward to on this upcoming visitation.  For a child with ADHD, the need for mental stimulation is crucial.  It has been a constant worry in the back of my mind that if he does not receive it, he will go looking for it.

Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going.  That is why we are all going.  Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks.  On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner.  His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too.  These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year.  He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth.  But he likes to see them - they are all fun people!  The problem is with Jordan's mom.  This is technically 'her time'.  In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else.  Did anybody mention it was a holiday?  A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit?  It only happens once a year?  It helps families connect and bond?  In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder.  Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I mean Jordan's fight.

Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing.  I'm a child of divorce too.  Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way.  We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable.  So my personal experience is shading my opinion here.  Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce.  Get over it.  You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives.  You have one child, and two families.  That is the reality.  It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time.  Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.

So let's explore that 'opinion'.  It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving.  Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday.  Why should this year be different?  So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit.  He got a flat 'no'.  No?  Really?  Why?

"(Stepdad) took the day off"  - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this.  Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household.  No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)

I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad.  Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature.  And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.

After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time.  It sounded something like this...

"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)

So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving.  We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone...  It was unbelievable.  A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing.  Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject.  He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family.  She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say.  It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own.  And you know how it ended?  She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.

What utter bullshit.  What a crappy way to treat your son.  What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth.  I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face.  She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do.  In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.

There is a silver lining here.  Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years.  There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child.  He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother.  He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age.  She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan.  I am super proud of him and how he handled himself.  A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.

So this brings me back to where I began.  I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so?  Absolutely!  The day I said "I do", he became mine too.  I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this?  Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this?   It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him.  He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day.  The mom that is angry with everybody?  Will she be depressed or manic today?  This is not how to show your son love or security!!  And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother.  He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms.  They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached.  He does not feel security.  Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist.  A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day.  A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.

One last thought.  Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever.  I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child.  He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them.  I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom.  That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride.  He really does knows how to handle himself.  Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this?  Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).







Back into the fold...

Jordan arrived home last week from his second round of visitation with his mom.  His plane arrived early in the evening, and it was a loud hyperfest in the back 2/3rds of the van the whole way home.  Rylan, Owen and Colin are very happy to have him back home.

We are too. 

Not sure what the emotional/behavioral damage estimate is, it was hard to tell initially, but I hope it follows the trend of past years and won't be as bad.  There will be the typical gaming deprogramming, of course, along with tapering off the need for constant stimulation from TV or computer.  It happens every year.  When he goes to visit, he constantly complains of boredom, so these are his only outlets.


I am glad Jordan is back, and in one piece to boot.  It is not a moment too soon.  This was a traumatic visit for us, waiting back here in Colorado.  First there was the EF5 tornado in Moore, on May 22nd, the day he flew out there.  Then, on May 31st, there was another tornado outbreak.



credit: NWS

Dean was at work that day, watching the weather warnings on the internet, and as things began to look pretty serious, he called Jordan to make sure that he was getting to safe place.  Jordan's mother's house is located where the green star is.  She has no storm cellar, no local shelter...nothing.  The storm trackers were predicting that the tornado was going to track eastward, along I40.  As you can see, the green star was IN THE DIRECT PATH of where the tornado was predicted to be heading.  (it did veer, inexplicably, south)  Jordan said that his mom and stepdad didn't think it was necessary to leave the house.  (!)

Let's just let that sit for a minute.  Just imagine.  You, sitting in a safe location, 800 miles away, can see and hear the local storm trackers and weather forecasters, by streaming a live feed over the internet, sounding the warning that if those individuals in the tornado's path cannot get below ground, they had better leave if they didn't want to risk losing their life.  Your loved-one is IN that path they keep mentioning over and over again.  Keep in mind, the horrific scenes from the Moore tornado were only 9 days old.  These were seasoned forecasters - and even they were sounding a little freaked out.  That is what we can hear, that is what we tell Jordan, that is what he tells his mom - BEGGING to her that he wants to leave and go someplace safer.  You could hear the fear in his voice.  And?  She scoffs.

Scoffs.

SCOFFS!

It's been over a month, and yet I still want to reach out and strangle...someone.  This was, in it's totality, her move as if to say - "I am not going to do something, just because they (meaning Dean and me) are telling me to do it.".  That is all it was.  She was so DETERMINED to make her point and to be the one in charge, that she forgot to be the grown-up in the first place. 

The map above shows a second star, a purple one.  This is where Jordan and his mom eventually sheltered at.  After our third phone call that afternoon in the span of 20 minutes, where we went over what safety precautions he could take if they were indeed staying put, we heard back from Jordan about 10 minutes later that he and his mom were driving south to a hospital, where they figured they could wait it out in an interior corridor.  This was now a full 30 minutes from when the first warnings to GET OUT came.  (This would be the hospital that was eventually hit by the tornado)  They moved on from there, for whatever reason, and eventually ended up (at Jordan's suggestion) at a Homeland Grocery store, sheltering in a meat locker with 30 or so other people.  If that had been her move, when the warnings first came, I would be applauding her.  But not for this.  It was Jordan that got them to safety - not her.  If she had put aside her petty control issues and phoned Dean herself, and came up with an evacuation game plan WITH him, for the sake and safety of THEIR son, I would have been so grateful.

Co-parenting can be so much better than this.  But it takes a willingness to work as a team.  I am regarded as the enemy by her.  Jordan is routinely asked by her if I am treating him okay, or if I yell at him or push him around.  I have been accused of forcing Jordan to raise the kids for me - that in fact (and this is precious), the only reason I keep him at home to "homeschool" him, is so that he will take care of the kids for me.  Jordan was actually quite angered by this, and told me that he set her straight, reminding her that 'he is the big brother, and that is what older sibling do" (duh), and that he is homeschooled because he had such a rough start in public education.  The general classroom is not the best place for him with his ADHD.  Her response? "Oh..."

I've been thinking about the whole 'step-mother' short shrift for some time now...  Just like parents of every stripe out there, there are people of every sort.  Just because you are a biological parent, doesn't, by default, make you a good one - make you the better choice.  The better adult-figure in a child's life can be the neighbor down the street, the teacher, the grandparent, and yes... even step-parents.  I'm am not saying this to toot my own horn.  What I am saying is that she is trying to sell Jordan on the 'Disney' version of the mean, unfair (and ugly) stepmother, and he is not buying it.  In fact, he confided in his dad that he resents the way Disney always portrays the stepmother figure.  He says it is an unfair depiction.  I love that kid...

I do have a lot more to say on this subject, but I think I will let it wait for another time.

You say Tomato, I say Pomodoro

I give myself one Pomodoro to get this blog post written...

(yeah, right... now try to convince the perfectionist within....)

This is a follow up to yesterday's musing about Rylan and ADHD.  Okay 'musing' sounds a little lighthearted... how about doomsday prophecy? 

My mother presented Dean and I with the most awesome gift of *time* (ie. - a date!) last night, so we headed out for a quick dinner.  It is so nice to be able to have serious parenting conversations without kids around...

(instead of hearing, "Whatcha talkin' about?" 38 times in a five-minute time span.)

It's also polite to actually include the other parent in conversations that you have with yourself (and your 3 or 4 adoring fans) about your children and any medical diagnosis that you may bestow upon them.

Dean actually has a lot to say on this subject - as well he should, since he is 50% responsible for the genetic crapshoot that eventually became our beloved child.  His genes won this round though, in the ADD department.  As he said last night, to look on the bright side, we've got the advantage that we have lots of experience on how to live with ADD/ADHD.  True.  So, let's talk about what that experience has taught us, and where to go from here.  Most of the conversation from here on out are Dean's thoughts as they came at me rapid fire on the drive home from the restaurant...  I invited him to write a guest post and he declined.  He said he was just 'in the moment', and by the next morning (right now) he would be on some other tangent.  So true.  So ADD.  :)

1.  Going for the diagnosis.  Most parents don't realize there is a problem until the child enters school.  (Timmy has always been an 'active' child... just wait until he is required to sit at a desk for six hours a day!)  It is true that the average age that a child is diagnosed is getting younger and younger.  How do you separate the normal immature, childish exuberance of a six year old from a serious psychological issue?  The most qualified medical professional to make the call is a child psychiatrist.  Don't take this issue to the pediatrician (like we did with Jordan).  There is just too much at stake, and if you are going to take a serious step and use medication, it's best to work with someone who really knows all of the different manifestations of ADD/ADHD, and the best meds to regulate them.

Paperwork.  The psychiatrist will ask for documentation - from teachers, family members, counselors...  One of the best things you can do is keep a symptom journal.  (Something I am going to start immediately).  Write down the behaviors you see, the times that they occur, the environment that they occurred in, etc... Also comment on diet and sleep.

2.  Regulate the environmental distractions.  This is so hard for me, and also why we don't send the kids to public school.  Since the presence of the two younger children are distracting to both Jordan and Rylan when they are doing schoolwork, I have to keep them separated as much as possible.  This year that will be even more difficult, when I also need to squeeze in preschool work time with Owen.  Colin is by far the biggest concern.  He is the younger version of Jordan - he is the extrovert, and hates to be alone.

No tv during school time, and music sometimes helps, and other times it is a hindrance.  Soft piano or jazz seems to work best.  If using music with lyrics, make it something the child knows well.  If it is new, it will activate the portion of the brain that reacts to any 'new' stimulus in the environment (SQUIRREL!!), and distract from the work at hand.  Dean, Jordan and Rylan all have a severe 'squirrel response'.

This also means that for this coming year (although we school year-round so it feels silly to say that) we need to set up more permanent separate work environments for both Jordan and Rylan.  We'll have to set up a desk in our bedroom for Jordan, and Rylan already has a nice little table and chairs in her room.  This doesn't mean that I send them up to their rooms with stacks of workbooks and tell them I'll see them in a few hours.  It just means that when we reach an independent work item, they have a quiet, distraction-free zone to work in.

3.  The Pomodoro Technique.  (go ahead and follow the link now, so that you know what I am talking about...)  I came across this a couple of years ago and showed it to Dean.  He now employs it regularly at work to help him stay focused, and he reports that it is pretty effective.  I use a modified technique at home, part of the Fly Lady system, just in a shorter time increment.  If I ever experience the miracle of a 25 consecutive minute stretch of uninterrupted work time, people would lay down their weapons and their Bibles and there would be World Peace.

So how do you use this technique with kids?  Dean's idea was to send the child, with their ability-appropriate assignment, off to their workspace to get it done.  Give them a goal.  For Jordan, it would be 'finish these two pages (within a particular time frame), then come find me so we can go over it'.  For Rylan, it would be more like 'do these two problems', then come find me.  Then we can check off their work. 

4.  Reminder lists/schedule.  The older two already have a laminated day-of-the-week card that lists out all of their commission-related chores (tied to their weekly allowance) and daily schoolwork, with places to designate if they did it, and how long they spent.  These cards let me tally their commissions earned, and the actual time spent on schoolwork.  One of these days I'll get around to actually posting more in detail about it.  (Soon!  I promise!)  But here is a photo of one of these cards from this past week so you know what I am talking about..

It is important to give the ADD/ADHD child a way to document their work (successes).  Number one, they often hear more negative messages than positive ones about their (in)ability to stay on task and get something done.  They need a way to measure progress.  How will a child ever learn to self-manage if they don't have any sort of benchmark system?  The child can see that they got two problems done... and it took them six minutes of work time.  Next time around (knowing that they are capable) they can make it a goal to get three problems done within that time...or whatever.

It is also important to help an ADD/ADHD child manage time.  They can't self-regulate, and schedules help immensely.  A list to refer to - no matter how detailed - will help them feel less scattered and overwhelmed.  It also helps the child that always wants to know "What's next?"  Keeping a family calendar will also settle the question, "What are we doing today?", without you having to answer it on an hourly basis.  They can SEE the answer for themselves.

5.  Predictable routine.  This is the hardest one for me.  My daily energy and mood is so up and down that I can't keep things consistant.  And then you throw five other personalities into the mix and then all bets are off.  We try.  We really, really try.  But so far we have totally missed the mark on this one.  At least we know what to strive for - but meal times, bed times, school times, nap times, chore times and shopping times all vary...on a daily basis.  Right now we are a spur-of-the-moment kind of family, and this really does not work well for us... Sigh.

 

Okay, I have now gone through three Pomodoros... the last two of which were interrupted by small children requesting juice, something to eat, and something interesting to watch on tv.  Something NOT Olympics related. 

See what I am up against?

The trouble with distraction...

I totally suffer with distraction.  Too much input, too many irons in the fire, too many areas of interest, too many children....  Blogging about daily life is hard when you are distracted.  Because stuff comes up, you wander down this rabbit trail and then that one, and then you forget to actually document the life you are living!

Case in point...

The second Saturday in July was the most recent round of belt promotions for the kids.  Jordan didn't participate because he missed a significant portion of that 9-week cycle due to visitation with his mom and summer camp, so we just opted to skip it (and save a little money, to boot).  I try to remark on the things the kids are up to, but I realized I've missed a promotion here and there - and I didn't even attend the last one - my mom took her.  But this one, for Rylan, was a little different, and definitely requires some introspection.

My goodness.  This little girl's form has grown by leaps and bounds!  I am so very, very proud of her.  She even gets to sport her favorite color, purple, for the next 9-week cycle.  The testing went great.  She was able to do her forms correctly, she answered questions correctly, and she watched and responded to her instructors.  That, right there, is what is significant to this conversation. 

You see, just as I snapped this last picture of Mr. Schuett, lead instructor and owner, tying on her belt, he looked her in the eye and said to her that during this next cycle she needed to work hard and do a better job of paying attention during class.

Ouch.  On many different levels.

1.  Mr. Schuett was spot on.  He, as well as all of the other instructors, have high expectations - and that is what I love so very much about this academy.  He has mentioned, on previous occasions, that Rylan is highly distracted and he is concerned.

2.  I kinda wish he hadn't said it in such a public way, but Rylan is, sadly, a little oblivious when it comes down to it.  The timing did actually lend itself to him congratulating her as he presented her belt, but letting her know that there is definite room for improvement.

3.  It hurts me deeply to acknowledge that we are, once again, navigating this difficult road (ADHD) with another child.  But there is bitter truth in what he had to say.  She is unable to attend to what the group is doing in a satisfactory way, and she needs to be made aware of it.

4.  It didn't help matters that in a few weeks after this her swim instructors said the same thing to me during her lessons.

I'm not crazy about other people covertly labeling my child, but on the other hand I know that these observations are being made by adults who are have spent a significant amount of time with all sorts of kids, and they know when there is a problem.  I'm guilty of it as well - I can remember making 'suggestions' to some of my students' parents as well.  I guess it just hurts when an outsider confirms what you have been long-suspecting.

I am not sure how we will progress with this.  When Jordan hit 5 1/2, he was on meds.  Rylan is 6, and I keep holding out hope that her case is not as extreme.  But the symptoms are all there...

1.  interrupting everyone and everything
2.  inability to attend to any one activity for even just a few minutes
3.  extreme need to be physically active - especially at the end of the day
4.  tremendous range of emotions in a short span of time - anger being the most extreme
5.  staring into space, looking out the window - even in the midst of fun activity
6.  inability to stay with a story, game, show, event for its duration
7.  handwriting is a chore - although she enjoys writing/drawing/painting for fun
8.  wide range of interests, but engagement is fleeting - to the extreme

I know there are those who would say that my list represents any ol' average six year old.  Not so.  Not until you actually live with a child who has ADHD, and try to work with one will you understand the complexity and frustration that develops in your relationship with that child.

I did shun meds for a short time, and tried working with diet (Feingold) and environment, but it wasn't enough.  Our personal relationship (mine and Jordan's) was suffering greatly, and it was jeopardizing our ability to continue on the homeschooling journey, so we returned to medication, and it has greatly improved things.  I am now concerned that the same is happening with Rylan.  She is more negative than positive when it comes to doing schoolwork.  She is more concerned about what hoops she has to jump through to just get it over with, rather than really absorbing or enjoying any of what we are doing.  And yes, I am constantly changing my game, my approach and even my expectations, and I am exhausted by the process.

This is, again, when I hate being a grownup who must make a judgement call with regards to someone's well-being.  What if I make a bad decision???  And what will it look like if I approach Jordan's doctor with my concerns about Rylan?  I don't want to be a mom who thinks there is something wrong with all of her children and wants medication to 'fix it'.

Well, if we have anything going for us... it's that Rylan does, in fact, like stickers....

Stickers? Are you SERIOUS?

We're in the midst of appointment week.  (What, again?  Weren't we just here??)  Yesterday was our busiest day.  Jordan saw his psychiatrist and counselor in the morning, then karate, and then the older three got flu shots in the afternoon.  I made them all get the shot instead of the nose mist - for two reasons: A) the amount of paperwork was silly - checklists to fill out for each child   B) Owen can't have the mist because he has RSV and is prone to pneumonia, so he had to get a shot anyway.  We were in and out of that appointment in 17 minutes - which I think beats last year's record - I remember even posting a comment about it on Facebook.

Anyway...

I am getting increasingly frustrated with both the psychiatrist and counselor.  Jordan sees the psychiatrist, 'Dr. S' sort of sporadically.  Sometimes it's monthly, but when things are going well, it spreads out to two or three months.  Things have not been going well lately.  Dr. S prescribes all of the behavior modification meds that Jordan takes.  Each visit he talks with me (and Jordan) about Jordan's behavior, does a weight check and routinely orders a blood draw just to make sure that everything is copacetic.  Each morning Jordan takes 20 mg of Vyvanse as soon as he wakes up.  The first behavioral transgression (ie - he does something obnoxious) typically happens within 2 minutes of him leaving his bedroom, so yes - I, in a not-so-nice voice, tell him to go take his pill.  The pill is a twelve-hour slow release, and then he takes 0.5 mg of Risperidone and 2 mg of Melatonin about an hour before bedtime.  Both meds are to help him sleep and even out the highs and lows.  Before we tried the evening meds, Jordan would routinely stay awake until midnight, and not sleep well at all.

At boy scout summer camp this past June, Jordan brought his meds with him, and had to hand them over to the camp office for the week.  It was his responsibility to remember to go and take his meds each day.  He was able to do this just fine.  We liked that he was taking responsibility like that, so we continued with that routine when he got home.  He remembers about 60% of the time.  We use a day-of-the-week pill case, so that way he doesn't get confused about whether he already took his meds or not.  Jordan's attention span is such that if I ask him to take his meds in the morning, he will get distracted by 10 different things on the way up to the medication closet.  Half the time he forgets what he was supposed to do, and just gets in the shower instead.  So I have to make a concerted effort to watch him take it.

Our visit with Dr. S last month did not go well.  It was our first visit since early summer - when things were going well.  On the way to our 10:40 am appt., Jordan was being especially antsy in the car.  Uh-oh.  "Jordan, did you take your meds?".  "Uh.... no?"  Damn it.   Then again, I like it when his Drs. can see him in all his glory - then they know what we are up against.  each.  and.  every.  day.  Dr. S asked (again - can't he write it down??) when does Jordan typically take his meds.  I told him the same thing I always tell him - 8 am, unless he forgets to take it.  Dr. S asked what I meant by he forgets to take it.  I told him it was Jordan's responsibility to remember to take it - I just remind him when I realize he is bouncing off the walls and hasn't taken it.  Dr. S's face actually turned red.  Red!  He was livid that we would do that.  He said, "If my name is on that bottle - it is the parents responsibility to give it to him.".  Well.  okay.... geesh.

Then he brought up stickers.  We could do a sticker chart.  If Jordan remembers by a certain time that he needs to take his meds, then he gets a sticker.  Otherwise, at the appointed time, I am to give him his pill.  Really?  A sticker?  The boy is eleven, for Pete's sake.  E*L*E*V*E*N.  He doesn't 'do' stickers.  In fact - he never has liked stickers.  I don't know if he had a bad run-in with a WalMart greeter as a small child or what - but he does not 'do' stickers.  And we've covered this with Dr. S before.  Several times.  So, as I was saying, last month's appointment did not go well.  I brought Colin into Dr. S's personal office (two smaller rooms w/in the clinic - one room is the room with the chairs that the patients and family members sit in to chat, and the other room is where Dr. S's desk is).  Colin was everyplace, and that 20 minute appointment seemed to go on forever.  Dr. S has two small children of his own, yet even though I had to leave my chair 20 times to go retrieve Colin from his office (I eventually just stayed standing), he never once thought to close the office door to solve the problem.  He just sat there, clearly looking annoyed with me.  The man has children.  Yet he has no idea what 'having children' means.  People like that REALLY irritate me.  He should know.  I know plenty of moms (and a few dads) that just intuitively know how to help you when your children are giving you a hard time.  They plant their bodies in a certain position so that a toddler can't escape a certain area.  They lend a helpful hand, a tissue, a cracker... whatever is deemed necessary at the time.  This man clearly has no experience with this.

He validated my theory about his inexperience during this most recent appointment.  By stating, again, that a sticker chart would be helpful for Jordan.  (Again - doesn't this man realize that Jordan is eleven??)  I was asking for some concrete things to try with Jordan during those difficult evening hours between 5-9 pm, when the meds have worn off.  He came up with stickers.  I bet that during his clinical study years, he missed the class that offered concrete exercises to try with kids, yet attended the one on stickers.  Because that seems to be the only trick up his sleeve.  Stickers.  I even left the kids in the car, watching a movie, so that I could be fully present to discuss the issue and get something other than the suggestion of stickers.  He is still clearly annoyed with me and thinks that maybe my expectations for good behavior are a bit too high.

(What is it with people telling me to lower my expectations lately...?)

Here is my rant.  I am sick and tired of spending lots of time, energy and money (thank goodness for insurance) to go see these "professionals" who don't truly understand what it is like to live 24/7 with a child that has ADHD.  And not just the doctors... most everyone does not truly understand how mentally exhausting it is. Oh I know, I know.. harness the mental creativity and redirect it.  "ADHD is a gift."  Some days I truly feel cursed.  I go to the Dr.s not just for the drugs (because I concluded long ago that I could not go through another day of out-of-control spastic behavior, and take care of three other demanding children as well), but for the advice and counsel on how to help Jordan - yet there is none of that forthcoming!  The counselor offers no concrete suggestions for Jordan on how he can help himself when it comes to making and keeping friends.  The psychiatrist can offer no help or advice on steps Jordan can take to begin work on self-regulation other than a childish sticker chart.  I asked Dr. S for advice on a very specific thing: steps that Jordan could take during his weekly boy scout meeting (it occurs in the evening - not his best time of day) to help him minimize distractions and he suggested moving the meeting to a Saturday afternoon.  You've got to be kidding me!  Yes - I am just going to call up the entire troop and request that the 40 or so troop members switch things up so that Jordan's needs are met.  I can't even begin to wrap my head around the ridiculousness of this suggestion and that he actually posed it as a serious consideration.  He doesn't think Jordan is capable of any attempts to self-regulate yet.  Bullshit.  Children are capable if you give them a chance.  He has proven that he can memorize boy scout stuff- protocols for this and that and the other.  He can certainly memorize a protocol for what he needs to do to be able to get through a boy scout meeting with minimal distraction and goofing off.

See?  It's easy...





1. Sit at least 1 foot away from his nearest neighbor (he has issues with invading personal space)

2. Don't touch or talk to your neighbor.

3. Hold an appropriate 'fiddle' object - like a single Lego - it keeps his hands busy and his mind focused

4. Don't blurt out - keep comments to self and watch, wait and listen until it is time to talk

5. Keep repeating your question in your mind until it is okay to ask it.

6. Form pictures in your mind about what the Scout Master is talking about to help you stay focused.

Wow.  I am way better than a licensed professional.