I started out last week, on Monday morning, feeling pretty good. Then I had my therapy session. After that, not so good. The therapy session, in and of itself, went really well. I have two big issues of sadness and anger, my divorce and job loss, that I need to work through. So, last Monday's topic was job loss.
It was a timely issue for me, because another teacher in our district, a well-respected veteran teacher, is facing dismissal for allegedly cheating on CSAP. This scenario is very similar to my 'dismissal'. I can't really call my losing my job a 'dismissal', because I was on a one-year contract anyway. That's just part of the three year process of becoming a tenured teacher - you get renewed one year at a time, with your third renewal being the renewal that means you will be hired permanently, and achieve tenure, or 'relative' job security. When my third time for renewal came around, my principal told me that I was no longer a 'good fit' for his school. I am going to share with you why...
I am still leery about discussing it openly - only because I know things I wish I didn't know. Things that could cost individuals their jobs and embarrass the school (and district). It was very 'freeing' to be able to discuss it with a third party - someone who didn't know any of the people involved. I could name names. I could swear. I could be open, raw and honest. I am carrying an amazing amount of emotional burden - way more than I need to.
Here is my story:
I began teaching in my district six years ago - I had only one previous year of teaching under my belt. I began with one year in second grade and spent the final two in third grade. In the second year of teaching third grade I was accused of 'reading' a portion of the CSAP test to one of my students, and 'leading' him towards an answer. I did not. I did quietly discuss with one of my students why he was staring into space when he was supposed to be working on the test. He indicated he was frustrated with a question. I asked him to tell me what he was confused about. He read the question to me, and then realized, on his own, (during the act of reading it aloud) what he was supposed to do, and he went back to work. Except...
In the midst of this quiet 'discussion' between me and my student, my principal and the CSAP coordinator for our school walked through the classroom and witnessed me talking when I shouldn't have been. I know what the CSAP administration manual says....you are only allowed to say, "Just do your best". Student bleeding? "Just do your best". Student hyperventilating due to stress? "Just do your best." Student broke both pencil points? "Just do your best". You get the picture....Say anything else and it could be misconstrued as extra help. Later that day, the principle sent the coordinator to ferret out what I was talking to my student about. I was honest. Sometime during the next day or two I was called to a meeting with the district's assessment head-honcho and my principal. It was the most intimidating moment of my life. I was honest. The student's test was invalidated and a report would go in my personnel file. I was considered 'lucky' because every student testing in the room at the time could have been invalidated. - a huge potential black eye on the school and the district.
In the eyes of my principal, I was now a teacher with no integrity (even though I did not cheat!) Seven weeks later, when renewal time came around, I was notified that my contract would not be renewed. It came as a total surprise to me. I had just had one of the best teacher observations (ever) a couple weeks prior. He never let on that he was going to do that - he had given me the impression that we had moved on. Never mind three years' worth of above-satisfactory teacher observation reports. Never mind that all my students had shown satisfactory academic progress. It was not good enough. I had brought shame to my principal by 'allegedly' cheating, and that was enough. He would not give me a letter of recommendation, and my teaching career was effectively over.
Let's talk about this notion of integrity as it pertained to the faculty of this particular school...
Case #1 - The reason why I moved from second grade to third grade was because I was forced to. A tenured teacher wanted to switch grade levels, so I either agreed to move up to third grade so he could have my second grade position, or I had no job. A year later this teacher left our district. A couple of years later he was accused, tried and convicted of sexually assaulting a child (not a student). Nice.
Case #2 - Years ago, teacher "X" photo-copied something she shouldn't have. Teacher "Y" gave me a copy of this (ahem) material "to guide my instruction" throughout the year. Let's just say, it's illegal to make or posses a copy of said item... (an item of which several samples are released each year by the Colorado Department of Education anyway!)
Case #3 - During the same CSAP testing period of which I was accused of impropriety, Teacher "Y" shared with me that she asked a student to erase all of his answers on the page of the test he was currently working on, and do it over again because he got every question wrong. He did. That is blatant.
Teachers "X" and "Y" are still teaching. They know that I know what I know about them. I don't like knowing what I know. I feel cheated to some extent that they are still employed, yet I took the fall. I forced myself to shred the illegal copies that I had, just so I wouldn't feel compelled to use it against teachers "X" and "Y" in a moment of emotional weakness on my part. I don't want to ruin any one's careers or livelihoods, yet I can't deny that I am STILL angry enough about this whole debacle that I desire retribution for my multiple losses. That is precisely why I am in therapy... to deal with some pretty intense feelings.
I feel shame.
I feel an immense amount of personal shame. I feel shame that I chose to not follow the rules and lost my job because of it. I knew the moment I spoke with that child that I shouldn't have - the rules were clear, and I did not follow them. Why I chose to do so is a complicated matter. Honestly, I didn't think it through. I saw a kid struggling with his own demons (writing on demand was one of his most difficult tasks, and he could set up massive mental roadblocks), and I reacted.
I feel shame that I can no longer contribute to the financial earnings for my family.
I feel shame that I spent all of that time and energy earning my college degree, that now languishes, useless, in a dusty file cabinet.
I feel shame that I come from a tradition of teaching in my family, yet I brought no honor to my name. My grandmother expressed a great deal of disappointment (not in me per se) that I was no longer teaching. I feel like I let her down.
I feel anger.
I am angry with the system. The NCLB act was one of the worst things to do to the American educational system. I will never acknowledge that there is any merit to high-stakes testing. Research has proven over and over again that there is so much more to learning than regurgitating a canned written response on a test. As long as high stakes testing exists, no child of mine will ever attend public school.
I am angry that I had no recourse when my contract was not renewed. Despite having paid into the local, state and national teacher's union coffers for three years, there was no way I could defend myself or appeal my dismissal. I knew what I did was wrong, but I do not believe that it warranted the loss of my job - if that is the reason why I lost my job.
I am angry that my principal did not have to give me a reason for my non renewal. He left me to agonize over it for years to come... to speculate as to the 'WHY'. I don't know why I am still giving him license to make me feel miserable. I was (AM!!) a good teacher. There is nothing worse than knowing that some one looks upon you and only sees one small fraction of you instead of looking at the whole person. It is never a good feeling when some one thinks the worst of you.
I am mostly angry with myself. I knew better than to cast doubt on my integrity.. I am not that person. I don't cheat. I am smart and capable, and I play by the rules. But still... I wish I had possessed the fortitude to hand back the photocopies and say 'No thanks' (not that I used them anyway - I didn't). I wish I had stifled my urge to intervene during the test- I could have chosen many other moments to be a source of strength and guidance for that student - and countless others besides him.
I just want to be done with feeling bad about this. Teachers "X" and "Y"? I am disappointed in your decisions and conduct. I hope that you reflect on what you did from time to time and change your ways. If not, karma will take care of it for you. Mr. Principal? Your infatuation with high test scores will not make your student population smarter. Fear does not produce lasting results.
When did education become so punitive? Why do we insist on making children struggle so, building up layer upon layer of anxiety, just to improve test scores by a few percentage points? I most certainly did not react as I did because I was worried about his test score. I will acknowledge that administrative pressure was there, even before the first day of school, to always keep CSAP in the back of our minds - but I would just nod my head accordingly, and then go back to my classroom and teach my way. I never pressured my students, and I kept the pep talks to a minimum in an attempt to ease the pressure.. I only expected for them to do their best.
Learning should be for the sake of learning. Nothing else.
Showing posts with label post-partum depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label post-partum depression. Show all posts
Friday, July 8, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Finding me? No.
I am starting therapy next week. I am anxious, but I am hopeful.
You see, I am hurting. Some days it is a lot. Some days just a little. And some days I feel pretty good. But the good days don't last, and even then, the good days are always tempered. I am not a playful person. I don't radiate fun, love, or acceptance. I do experience these feelings, but they are always in the midst of a dark, choking mist, that never quite goes away.
Depression is hard stuff to shake. In the past decade, just a few bad things have happened in my life that has truly been full of really good things. But the bad often outweighs the good in my daily battle to keep perspective and keep my spirits up.
Seven years ago I got married, and then divorced (in April, people!!). I had married the person I had been in love with and living with for ten years. Two weeks after the wedding, he told me that he no longer loved me and that he wanted a divorce. He took some of his stuff and left. I looked over the pile of wedding gifts that covered the entire kitchen and living room, and felt like the biggest fool on Earth. Over the next few weeks/months, I had to pack up the rest of his stuff (because he left it and I wanted him gone). In doing so, I discovered the real explanation for his departure, in the back of his dresser drawer. A Christmas present, with a card signed, "Terri". Before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers in August, Terri was pregnant with twins. Joy.
It is my sincere hope that none of you can relate to the kind of pain that this particular scenario can bring. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Well, okay, one person. My former sister-in-law because she told me I deserved it because I was so stupid for not seeing it coming. You can't even fathom the kind of pain and humiliation this kind of experience brings about. To have to explain to everyone that just attended your wedding that you are now getting a divorce? Nu-huh. You can't. Here's the kicker: He left me. I still loved him. He was my life for almost eleven years - you can't just extinguish you feelings overnight. In this instance, divorce was worse than death. In death, if the person that you loved in life is now gone, that's it. They're gone. You can even rest-assured that they are gone from your life because death made it so. With divorce it's different (at least in my case). The person I loved, who I considered my best friend was gone. He still walked this Earth. He went about his day, but without me, because he didn't want me to be a part of his life. It is so difficult to reconcile your feelings - you are angry as hell, but what about the feelings of love? They die a slow, tortuous death. Every photo ever taken during the time you were together bears some sort of memory. Every song. Every restaurant you ever went to. Every concert/sporting event/party/holiday something-or-other/birthday/anniversary/funeral/birth. Every *thing* holds a memory. I've spent the last seven years sifting through memories. It's difficult when you remain in the same town as when you were with this person. Let alone the same house. Over the years, the *stuff* has made it's way somewhere...else.
Wedding dress? At the local consignment shop for the last two years. Maybe they forgot about me.
Photos? Most have been hacked up. I can't quite bring myself to do them all - because the other people in the photos were friends, too.
Cards? Gone. Made a good fire.
Wedding video? I haven't watched it in six years. Yet I can't destroy it. Again - there are family members in it - especially my grandma, who just passed away.
Furniture? Most of it is gone. What remains was mine before we even got together.
Clothing? This didn't hit me until last summer. I went on a tizzy in the closet and removed everything that I still had. Besides - if it was six years old, it was outdated anyway!
Paperwork. Next January I get to shred 2004. Can't wait.
It's all of the other, intangible stuff that is hard. I drive past a certain place, and (totally unbidden) a memory comes flooding back. Sometimes it is there and then gone. Other times, for whatever reason, it puts me in a complete funk. This is why I need help. It is not about missing him. That was over a long time ago - before I met Dean. It is more about the pain that is conjured up. The giant soccer-ball-to-the-gut feeling that has never quite gone away. The feeling that my fragile world, at any moment, will crumble apart. If you have ever been hit with bad news that was completely unexpected, then you know what I mean. There is a certain part of you that will always live in fear - that the horrible feeling of being blindsided will happen again. There is also the question of forgiveness. I have yet to forgive. I don't know if I ever can. I can forgive the action he took in leaving. He knew what he wanted, and what he didn't want. Good for him. He just made a very poor choice in how he went about it - and that part I can't forgive. And then, the most difficult part. Forgetting. There is a giant boot print on my heart. How do you forget when someone just tosses you aside? Somehow, you don't let yourself forget, because self-preservation gets in the way. You say to yourself, "Always remember the pain! Don't make the same mistake again!".
Now we get to the good stuff. I met with a wonderful lady in the months after the divorce. She is the minister of the Unity Church here. She had lived with an alcoholic husband for years before she eventually got divorced. She knew the struggles I was having with co-dependency (he was an alcoholic). We met countless times, to help me through my stuff. It felt good to talk. I read books. I felt like I was making progress. Months went by and I felt too lonely to let any more time go by, so I decided to do something about it. Miraculously, within days of my joining the online dating site eHarmony, Dean's profile was sent my way. When you consider the emotional hell I had just been through, finding Dean, meeting him, dating him and marrying him was easy. I never questioned the process. I never questioned if he was right for me. I just knew. Call it a gift from the Universe, and I was due something good for once. We have experienced quite a bit in six years. Coming together as a family and adding three more children. Travel. Funerals. Health scares. Job loss. I have never been happier with who I have had by my side through it all. The trouble is this cloud of fear and sadness that won't go away. It permeates everything. It taints every memory. I live in fear that the other shoe is always hovering above me, waiting to drop. That is no way to live - and it's not fair to those I love.
I have felt like a shell of my former self for quite some time. I set out to reassess myself, after the divorce. I sort of did. I wrote a list about what I wanted. I decided the kind of life I wanted to live, and the type of person I wanted in my life. Most of it has happened. I just know that something is 'off' - a piece of 'me' is still missing.
That is what the therapy is for. It is time for outside help, and one should never be afraid to ask for it.
You see, I am hurting. Some days it is a lot. Some days just a little. And some days I feel pretty good. But the good days don't last, and even then, the good days are always tempered. I am not a playful person. I don't radiate fun, love, or acceptance. I do experience these feelings, but they are always in the midst of a dark, choking mist, that never quite goes away.
Depression is hard stuff to shake. In the past decade, just a few bad things have happened in my life that has truly been full of really good things. But the bad often outweighs the good in my daily battle to keep perspective and keep my spirits up.
Seven years ago I got married, and then divorced (in April, people!!). I had married the person I had been in love with and living with for ten years. Two weeks after the wedding, he told me that he no longer loved me and that he wanted a divorce. He took some of his stuff and left. I looked over the pile of wedding gifts that covered the entire kitchen and living room, and felt like the biggest fool on Earth. Over the next few weeks/months, I had to pack up the rest of his stuff (because he left it and I wanted him gone). In doing so, I discovered the real explanation for his departure, in the back of his dresser drawer. A Christmas present, with a card signed, "Terri". Before the ink was even dry on the divorce papers in August, Terri was pregnant with twins. Joy.
It is my sincere hope that none of you can relate to the kind of pain that this particular scenario can bring. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Well, okay, one person. My former sister-in-law because she told me I deserved it because I was so stupid for not seeing it coming. You can't even fathom the kind of pain and humiliation this kind of experience brings about. To have to explain to everyone that just attended your wedding that you are now getting a divorce? Nu-huh. You can't. Here's the kicker: He left me. I still loved him. He was my life for almost eleven years - you can't just extinguish you feelings overnight. In this instance, divorce was worse than death. In death, if the person that you loved in life is now gone, that's it. They're gone. You can even rest-assured that they are gone from your life because death made it so. With divorce it's different (at least in my case). The person I loved, who I considered my best friend was gone. He still walked this Earth. He went about his day, but without me, because he didn't want me to be a part of his life. It is so difficult to reconcile your feelings - you are angry as hell, but what about the feelings of love? They die a slow, tortuous death. Every photo ever taken during the time you were together bears some sort of memory. Every song. Every restaurant you ever went to. Every concert/sporting event/party/holiday something-or-other/birthday/anniversary/funeral/birth. Every *thing* holds a memory. I've spent the last seven years sifting through memories. It's difficult when you remain in the same town as when you were with this person. Let alone the same house. Over the years, the *stuff* has made it's way somewhere...else.
Wedding dress? At the local consignment shop for the last two years. Maybe they forgot about me.
Photos? Most have been hacked up. I can't quite bring myself to do them all - because the other people in the photos were friends, too.
Cards? Gone. Made a good fire.
Wedding video? I haven't watched it in six years. Yet I can't destroy it. Again - there are family members in it - especially my grandma, who just passed away.
Furniture? Most of it is gone. What remains was mine before we even got together.
Clothing? This didn't hit me until last summer. I went on a tizzy in the closet and removed everything that I still had. Besides - if it was six years old, it was outdated anyway!
Paperwork. Next January I get to shred 2004. Can't wait.
It's all of the other, intangible stuff that is hard. I drive past a certain place, and (totally unbidden) a memory comes flooding back. Sometimes it is there and then gone. Other times, for whatever reason, it puts me in a complete funk. This is why I need help. It is not about missing him. That was over a long time ago - before I met Dean. It is more about the pain that is conjured up. The giant soccer-ball-to-the-gut feeling that has never quite gone away. The feeling that my fragile world, at any moment, will crumble apart. If you have ever been hit with bad news that was completely unexpected, then you know what I mean. There is a certain part of you that will always live in fear - that the horrible feeling of being blindsided will happen again. There is also the question of forgiveness. I have yet to forgive. I don't know if I ever can. I can forgive the action he took in leaving. He knew what he wanted, and what he didn't want. Good for him. He just made a very poor choice in how he went about it - and that part I can't forgive. And then, the most difficult part. Forgetting. There is a giant boot print on my heart. How do you forget when someone just tosses you aside? Somehow, you don't let yourself forget, because self-preservation gets in the way. You say to yourself, "Always remember the pain! Don't make the same mistake again!".
Now we get to the good stuff. I met with a wonderful lady in the months after the divorce. She is the minister of the Unity Church here. She had lived with an alcoholic husband for years before she eventually got divorced. She knew the struggles I was having with co-dependency (he was an alcoholic). We met countless times, to help me through my stuff. It felt good to talk. I read books. I felt like I was making progress. Months went by and I felt too lonely to let any more time go by, so I decided to do something about it. Miraculously, within days of my joining the online dating site eHarmony, Dean's profile was sent my way. When you consider the emotional hell I had just been through, finding Dean, meeting him, dating him and marrying him was easy. I never questioned the process. I never questioned if he was right for me. I just knew. Call it a gift from the Universe, and I was due something good for once. We have experienced quite a bit in six years. Coming together as a family and adding three more children. Travel. Funerals. Health scares. Job loss. I have never been happier with who I have had by my side through it all. The trouble is this cloud of fear and sadness that won't go away. It permeates everything. It taints every memory. I live in fear that the other shoe is always hovering above me, waiting to drop. That is no way to live - and it's not fair to those I love.
I have felt like a shell of my former self for quite some time. I set out to reassess myself, after the divorce. I sort of did. I wrote a list about what I wanted. I decided the kind of life I wanted to live, and the type of person I wanted in my life. Most of it has happened. I just know that something is 'off' - a piece of 'me' is still missing.
That is what the therapy is for. It is time for outside help, and one should never be afraid to ask for it.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Rehash, Review and Redo...
I just couldn't come back here to complete even a single thought for over a year! Life is no fun when it is that chaotic. Colin's blessed arrival after such a traumatic beginning to my pregnancy with him brought some relief, but I have yet to recover physically and emotionally... I am tired. In my bones, in my mind... and sometimes in my heart. At the end of each day I either go to bed with the attitude of "Thank god this day is over...." or "Tomorrow maybe things will go better..." Rarely it is with a "Can't wait for tomorrow!!". I think I just need a serious amount of rest and rejuvination.
Parenting four is rather difficult. Managing such a wide age range leaves me feeling like I am not addressing everyone's needs like I should. I am constantly disappointing other family members by being late to practically everything. I feel the disapproving looks of others who visit our messy house. I have not been able to progress beyond the bare-minimum-survival mode that you go into when a newborn comes home. This is sounding depressing and pissy doesn't it?? I am coming off of a pretty bad trip to OKC and I know it is still affecting my mood. Nothing in particular about the trip was bad - we enjoyed visiting with family and friends. There were no direct incidents to speak of... it was just an general over-all feeling that I got. I feel like our kids just go nuts with behavioral issues whenever we are away from home. We enter a restaurant/home and three little tornados break free and wreak total havoc. I know I am exaggerating, and that my perception is way more acute than the average bystander, but I feel like we are totally out of control when we are on the go. It is impossible to impose any kind of schedule, so naps and meals happen more by accident than design. We also had a ridiculus amount of holiday shopping to do, so we spent waaay to much time in the car. The drive back to Colorado was just as bad. There is nothing like 6 loud, screaming voices in one little mini-van, all trying to be heard at once. That is when I feel the worst. I sit back and think to myself - "This is absolute craziness?!!?" I make it a general rule to avoid families that behave like that!
Bouncing back from a change in family dynamics is a constant process. Especially when it is a new baby. They constantly change the rules as they grow. Just as you get some semblance of a routine down - they develop new capabilities and the game instantly changes. Colin's progression of growth of course has been bittersweet because he is the baby (the last baby), and so each new change makes me feel sad. My post-partum emotional turbulence has been at its most extreme with this third and final pregnancy. There were some dark, dark days in the early months after he was born. Not the do-your-child-harm kind of darkness, but more of a do-myself-harm kind of darkness. It never got to the point where I was thinking seriously of doing anything, it was more of a constant emotional battery that I would put myself through. I was continually feeding myself self-hate messages of failure on a daily, if not hourly basis. I've improved some, but I still go through bouts of 'I am not the mother/wife/daughter that I can and should be'. way of thinking. It is at its worst when I am just flat-out tired and stressed.
2010 was a very good year for us, so I am thankful for that. Otherwise, I think my emotional downward spiral could have been worse. Of course there was the arrival of Colin on February 5th. He is such an easy-going baby. We needed that after the sheer hell that Owen put us through during his infancy. Dean's work continued to stay secure which in turn makes the family feel financially secure. We focused on having fun together as a family. We took a ski trip in mid-April, and Rylan learned to ski. We took a long road trip in the fall through the states of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Arkansas and Oklahoma. It was actually a good road trip and we great fun visiting the beach, New Orleans and points along the Mississippi River. Then Colin got mobile, and road trips are no longer fun. I don't think we are going to plan on doing one this coming year. Maybe just something close, within the state of Colorado. We also got the kids enrolled in Ken-po Karate this November. Jordan and Rylan have earned their white belts so far. I have zero familiarity with Karate, but I am really happy that the kids are taking to it so well. I think the mind-and-body link of Karate will serve them well throughout their lives.
The toughest defeat this year has been how much schooling has been side-lined. I lay out plans and have the best intentions, but all is lost within a very short time. The enemy seems to be a lack of a predictable schedule for the better part of a year. That is such a mainstay to surviving in a household with two individuals with ADHD. Jordan has made minimal progress with regulating himself - he is less apt to completely lose self-control has he could do in the past, but there is next to no change in his ability to remember to stick to a process. We continue to have to give single-step directions because he can't manage anything beyond that. Even with daily checklists posted in a prominent place for him to follow through with - he does not refer to them. Ever. Niether do I - which is why the failure is mostly mine, not his. At the beginning of the school year, I had made the decision to go to a year-round schedule. Three weeks on, one week off. Of course the 6 week OK summer visit totally messes up that plan, but I did it anyway. The idea was to schedule all appts during that week that we had off, because appts. always mess up the day. It worked for the first two weeks. Then we lost it... Jordan started seeing a psychiatrist, got on a very good medication routine, but it required several appts in Loveland. Then we got him into counseling. In Loveland. Colin had SEVERAL Dr. appts due to failure-to-thrive issues. Then we started Karate - 5X/Week trips to Loveland. The last time we had a 'normal' school day was October. Maybe we should move to Loveland?? My last move was to change up a little how we go about schooling in order to minimize gaps in conceptual knowledge. Bring in a little Core Knowledge, take on the next chunk of history in CTM...a fair chunk of $$$ was plopped down to purchase what we needed, yet it remains untouched. Again - failure.....
So there is the rehash, review and redo. I promised myself that I would get the following items accomplished this year (2010)
* create a family closet (a post explaining the process is forth-coming) DONE
* create a master 52 week cleaning schedule (completed through week 13)
* create a master 52 week recipe/menu/shopping list plan (completed 2 weeks worth)
* create a master daily schedule for each child so that I can make sure I am meeting the daily minimum of their educational needs. This is constantly a work in progress. I abandoned the daily schedule that I had created in the past for Jordan because he could never complete it. There was too much and he just couldn't stay on task. Now that we have reached an optimal balance of medication and counseling, I think we can revise this and make it work.
That is the motto for the upcoming year: Revise and make it work.
Happy New Year!
Parenting four is rather difficult. Managing such a wide age range leaves me feeling like I am not addressing everyone's needs like I should. I am constantly disappointing other family members by being late to practically everything. I feel the disapproving looks of others who visit our messy house. I have not been able to progress beyond the bare-minimum-survival mode that you go into when a newborn comes home. This is sounding depressing and pissy doesn't it?? I am coming off of a pretty bad trip to OKC and I know it is still affecting my mood. Nothing in particular about the trip was bad - we enjoyed visiting with family and friends. There were no direct incidents to speak of... it was just an general over-all feeling that I got. I feel like our kids just go nuts with behavioral issues whenever we are away from home. We enter a restaurant/home and three little tornados break free and wreak total havoc. I know I am exaggerating, and that my perception is way more acute than the average bystander, but I feel like we are totally out of control when we are on the go. It is impossible to impose any kind of schedule, so naps and meals happen more by accident than design. We also had a ridiculus amount of holiday shopping to do, so we spent waaay to much time in the car. The drive back to Colorado was just as bad. There is nothing like 6 loud, screaming voices in one little mini-van, all trying to be heard at once. That is when I feel the worst. I sit back and think to myself - "This is absolute craziness?!!?" I make it a general rule to avoid families that behave like that!
Bouncing back from a change in family dynamics is a constant process. Especially when it is a new baby. They constantly change the rules as they grow. Just as you get some semblance of a routine down - they develop new capabilities and the game instantly changes. Colin's progression of growth of course has been bittersweet because he is the baby (the last baby), and so each new change makes me feel sad. My post-partum emotional turbulence has been at its most extreme with this third and final pregnancy. There were some dark, dark days in the early months after he was born. Not the do-your-child-harm kind of darkness, but more of a do-myself-harm kind of darkness. It never got to the point where I was thinking seriously of doing anything, it was more of a constant emotional battery that I would put myself through. I was continually feeding myself self-hate messages of failure on a daily, if not hourly basis. I've improved some, but I still go through bouts of 'I am not the mother/wife/daughter that I can and should be'. way of thinking. It is at its worst when I am just flat-out tired and stressed.
2010 was a very good year for us, so I am thankful for that. Otherwise, I think my emotional downward spiral could have been worse. Of course there was the arrival of Colin on February 5th. He is such an easy-going baby. We needed that after the sheer hell that Owen put us through during his infancy. Dean's work continued to stay secure which in turn makes the family feel financially secure. We focused on having fun together as a family. We took a ski trip in mid-April, and Rylan learned to ski. We took a long road trip in the fall through the states of Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama, Florida, Arkansas and Oklahoma. It was actually a good road trip and we great fun visiting the beach, New Orleans and points along the Mississippi River. Then Colin got mobile, and road trips are no longer fun. I don't think we are going to plan on doing one this coming year. Maybe just something close, within the state of Colorado. We also got the kids enrolled in Ken-po Karate this November. Jordan and Rylan have earned their white belts so far. I have zero familiarity with Karate, but I am really happy that the kids are taking to it so well. I think the mind-and-body link of Karate will serve them well throughout their lives.
The toughest defeat this year has been how much schooling has been side-lined. I lay out plans and have the best intentions, but all is lost within a very short time. The enemy seems to be a lack of a predictable schedule for the better part of a year. That is such a mainstay to surviving in a household with two individuals with ADHD. Jordan has made minimal progress with regulating himself - he is less apt to completely lose self-control has he could do in the past, but there is next to no change in his ability to remember to stick to a process. We continue to have to give single-step directions because he can't manage anything beyond that. Even with daily checklists posted in a prominent place for him to follow through with - he does not refer to them. Ever. Niether do I - which is why the failure is mostly mine, not his. At the beginning of the school year, I had made the decision to go to a year-round schedule. Three weeks on, one week off. Of course the 6 week OK summer visit totally messes up that plan, but I did it anyway. The idea was to schedule all appts during that week that we had off, because appts. always mess up the day. It worked for the first two weeks. Then we lost it... Jordan started seeing a psychiatrist, got on a very good medication routine, but it required several appts in Loveland. Then we got him into counseling. In Loveland. Colin had SEVERAL Dr. appts due to failure-to-thrive issues. Then we started Karate - 5X/Week trips to Loveland. The last time we had a 'normal' school day was October. Maybe we should move to Loveland?? My last move was to change up a little how we go about schooling in order to minimize gaps in conceptual knowledge. Bring in a little Core Knowledge, take on the next chunk of history in CTM...a fair chunk of $$$ was plopped down to purchase what we needed, yet it remains untouched. Again - failure.....
So there is the rehash, review and redo. I promised myself that I would get the following items accomplished this year (2010)
* create a family closet (a post explaining the process is forth-coming) DONE
* create a master 52 week cleaning schedule (completed through week 13)
* create a master 52 week recipe/menu/shopping list plan (completed 2 weeks worth)
* create a master daily schedule for each child so that I can make sure I am meeting the daily minimum of their educational needs. This is constantly a work in progress. I abandoned the daily schedule that I had created in the past for Jordan because he could never complete it. There was too much and he just couldn't stay on task. Now that we have reached an optimal balance of medication and counseling, I think we can revise this and make it work.
That is the motto for the upcoming year: Revise and make it work.
Happy New Year!
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