We all work hard at this parenting gig, every single day. Some days you get it right, and some days you don't. We should all lift each other up, right? But, then...what about when it gets personal? Like when you share parenting duties between biological parents and step parents? You pour as much of your brand of love and wisdom into a child, only to send them on to the other parent(s) who *just* doesn't quite see the world the same way. I don't suffer in silence very well. When there is a wrong, I've got to talk about it, and search my feelings for how to resolve it.
Jordan just had a very difficult weekend dealing with his mom (over the phone) about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving. This is a routine that I have seen take place since the moment Jordan and his dad came into my life. The couple of weeks leading up to visitation with his mother is always fraught with tension. In Jordan's younger years, it was hyperactivity. Promises made over the phone of the junk food and good times to come made those days practically unbearable. His mind was already there, on vacation. These days, it is quite different. Instead of chomping at the bit to get there, Jordan is filled with anxiety, and dare I say...dread? I will dare to say that. I live with him. I talk with him. I see his moods change. I hear him make plans about how he will spend his time there - and they are always accompanied by the remark - "So I don't go crazy with boredom because there is nothing else to do". There is still junk food, but that lure worked on a small child. There are still good times, but that lure pretty much revolves around getting to watch things on TV that he doesn't get to here, and he sees through that now. And that is about it. There is nothing else to look forward to on this upcoming visitation. For a child with ADHD, the need for mental stimulation is crucial. It has been a constant worry in the back of my mind that if he does not receive it, he will go looking for it.
Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going. That is why we are all going. Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks. On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner. His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too. These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year. He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth. But he likes to see them - they are all fun people! The problem is with Jordan's mom. This is technically 'her time'. In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else. Did anybody mention it was a holiday? A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit? It only happens once a year? It helps families connect and bond? In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder. Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I mean Jordan's fight.
Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing. I'm a child of divorce too. Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way. We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable. So my personal experience is shading my opinion here. Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce. Get over it. You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives. You have one child, and two families. That is the reality. It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time. Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.
So let's explore that 'opinion'. It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving. Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday. Why should this year be different? So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit. He got a flat 'no'. No? Really? Why?
"(Stepdad) took the day off" - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this. Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household. No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)
I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad. Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature. And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.
After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time. It sounded something like this...
"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)
So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving. We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone... It was unbelievable. A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing. Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject. He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family. She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say. It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own. And you know how it ended? She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.
What utter bullshit. What a crappy way to treat your son. What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth. I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face. She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do. In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.
There is a silver lining here. Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years. There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child. He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother. He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age. She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan. I am super proud of him and how he handled himself. A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.
So this brings me back to where I began. I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so? Absolutely! The day I said "I do", he became mine too. I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this? Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this? It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him. He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day. The mom that is angry with everybody? Will she be depressed or manic today? This is not how to show your son love or security!! And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother. He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms. They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached. He does not feel security. Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist. A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day. A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.
One last thought. Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever. I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child. He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them. I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom. That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride. He really does knows how to handle himself. Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this? Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).
Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going. That is why we are all going. Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks. On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner. His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too. These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year. He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth. But he likes to see them - they are all fun people! The problem is with Jordan's mom. This is technically 'her time'. In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else. Did anybody mention it was a holiday? A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit? It only happens once a year? It helps families connect and bond? In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder. Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. I mean Jordan's fight.
Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing. I'm a child of divorce too. Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way. We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable. So my personal experience is shading my opinion here. Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce. Get over it. You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives. You have one child, and two families. That is the reality. It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time. Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.
So let's explore that 'opinion'. It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving. Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday. Why should this year be different? So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit. He got a flat 'no'. No? Really? Why?
"(Stepdad) took the day off" - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this. Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household. No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)
I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad. Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature. And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.
After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time. It sounded something like this...
"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)
So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving. We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone... It was unbelievable. A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing. Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject. He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family. She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say. It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own. And you know how it ended? She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.
What utter bullshit. What a crappy way to treat your son. What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth. I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face. She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do. In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.
There is a silver lining here. Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years. There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child. He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother. He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age. She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan. I am super proud of him and how he handled himself. A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.
So this brings me back to where I began. I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so? Absolutely! The day I said "I do", he became mine too. I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this? Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this? It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him. He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day. The mom that is angry with everybody? Will she be depressed or manic today? This is not how to show your son love or security!! And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother. He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms. They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached. He does not feel security. Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist. A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day. A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.
One last thought. Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever. I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child. He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them. I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom. That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride. He really does knows how to handle himself. Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this? Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).
