Simplicity Parenting: Filtering

 

 



Simplicity Parenting: Using the Extraordinary Power of Less to Raise Calmer, Happier, and more Secure Kids
by Kim John Payne, M.Ed.



 

 

The Stress Bath

 

 

So... you're sitting in the parent's waiting area while you wait for your child to do their weekly XYZ class.  Or you are at the park.  Or you are at the library story time.  You are feeling good...happy with the world, even!  Then THAT parent shows up... you know the one...  The one who loves to rant and rave and worry about the current sensational news stories.  The one that is certain that all things plastic, Monsanto, Red dye #40 and non-gluten/dairy/sugar-free will kill you.  The one that is certain that she gets the raw deal.  The one that is the constant victim.  The constant complainer.  The one with the child that could do better in the world if they weren't unfairly victimized either.  You like this person well enough, but you consistently find that after you spend just five minutes listening to her, you feel depressed, worried and guilty.  You, my friend, have just been drenched in a Stress Bath. 

 

I came across this term, 'stress bath', in a chapter (see book above) that Dr. Payne wrote, about filtering out the adult world.  I love this term - he hit it right on the money.  That is exactly what it feels like.  You feel like you have been completely covered in doom and gloom.  It's icky.  You literally want to listen to a Raffi CD on endless repeat and shower yourself in glitter to take the edge off.  So much for enjoying yourself at any point in time for the rest of the day... now you are too worried about all the evils that are lurking anywhere and everywhere.

 

And it's not just the face-to-face conversations.  It's the friend that sends you every email attachment that describes every danger you may not be aware off.  It is your Facebook feed.  It is the variety of news apps, magazine articles, 20/20 episodes, the nightly news... we're all going to suffer some horrible malady unless we do "this" or "that".  Seriously.  Go to your Facebook feed and count up the negative postings vs. the positive ones for the past 24 hours.  Who wins?  The only negatives that don't really 'count' are the ones in which a friend shares a personal story of loss or sadness (not a story about a stranger that is supposed to tug at your heart...)  I think personal stories are important - that is how we maintain connections.

 

I am so totally guilty of posting the negatives.  Around election time, I was in a backlash 'zone' with the astounding number of vitriolic conservative postings that were filling my feed.  I got wise and just bounced a few of the offending 'friends' from my feed.  And there they remain...  Sometime after the beginning of this year I made a concerted effort to keep things on the positive side.  I've slipped many a time, but I am aware of the friends that do the same, and I am grateful for their little rays of sunshine that light up my feed here and there.  And then last night happened...  A few more 'friends' got bounced.  Something about the eve of Patriot Day made the Obama haters circle in a feeder frenzy on Facebook.  Implicating Obama with Bin Laden and 9-11?  Buh-bye.  Obama is going to destroy the nation by weighing his options with what to do with Syria?  Out you go.  I save my sanity and my mood by filtering out the vitriol.  I totally get that I need to embrace everyone's opinion and that there is real value in that...but the posts that insult our president just because it is some sort of bizarre form of entertainment..?  You aren't expressing anything other than you would rather 'share' than spend a couple more seconds rethinking about the message you are sending.

 

But I digress...This post is about filtering the messages we are exposing our kids to day after day - and very apropos on this day of remembrance of 9/11.  Children Learn What They Live.  If you spew forth constant negativity and victimization stories, your children will do the same.  If you are listening to or watching something in front of your kids, they are listening to.  I am an NPR junkie, but when I step back and listen to it from the young child's perspective, maybe they shouldn't be hearing about the horrors of what is happening in Syria.  Or in the House of Representatives.  Or on the streets of Boston.  That's when I turn it off.  And then there's TV - seeing the twin towers in flames, people screaming in the streets and so forth.  Older teens, who should know the history - yes, they should be keenly aware of worldly events.  But not young children.  They can't process it.  They see pictures of the terrorists, and learn to fear - even hate, without the distinction that not all the individuals that populate that part of the world are like that.  The constant barrage of fear, hate, fear, hate, fear, hate on any of the national news channels (seriously - spend just 5 minutes on FOX news - if you can stand it) equates the mother of all stress baths.  Do you know what that does to your psyche?  Let alone your children's psyche?

Do yourself a favor and switch it off - especially today.  Go for a walk, breathe deep and focus on the good - and don't forget to involve your children too.  Cultivate the more positive friendships in your life.  Listen to the news if you must - but when you are alone, or switch it off the second it takes a turn.  Get off Facebook - or at least weed out the friends who aren't very friendly after all.  Filter the messages that come to your eyes and ears - and your children's as well.  You will feel the difference.  Dr. Payne related a story in which the parents did that very thing - they turned if off.  And in a matter of days, their young son stopped having trouble at school, grew less and less agitated and stopped having nightmares.  You have to remember that even though you and your child listen to the same story on the news, you are processing it with different filters and prior experiences.