Do you ever wish you didn't know what you know?

I started out last week, on Monday morning, feeling pretty good.  Then I had my therapy session.  After that, not so good.  The therapy session, in and of itself, went really well.  I have two big issues of sadness and anger, my divorce and job loss, that I need to work through.  So, last Monday's topic was job loss.

It was a timely issue for me, because another teacher in our district, a well-respected veteran teacher, is facing dismissal for allegedly cheating on CSAP.  This scenario is very similar to my 'dismissal'.  I can't really call my losing my job a 'dismissal', because I was on a one-year contract anyway.  That's just part of the three year process of becoming a tenured teacher - you get renewed one year at a time, with your third renewal being the renewal that means you will be hired permanently, and achieve tenure, or 'relative' job security.  When my third time for renewal came around, my principal told me that I was no longer a 'good fit' for his school.  I am going to share with you why...

I am still leery about discussing it openly - only because I know things I wish I didn't know.  Things that could cost individuals their jobs and embarrass the school (and district).  It was very 'freeing' to be able to discuss it with a third party - someone who didn't know any of the people involved.  I could name names.  I could swear.  I could be open, raw and honest.  I am carrying an amazing amount of emotional burden  - way more than I need to.

Here is my story:
I began teaching in my district six years ago - I had only one previous year of teaching under my belt.  I began with one year in second grade and spent the final two in third grade.  In the second year of teaching third grade I was accused of 'reading' a portion of the CSAP test to one of my students, and 'leading' him towards an answer.  I did not.  I did quietly discuss with one of my students why he was staring into space when he was supposed to be working on the test.  He indicated he was frustrated with a question.  I asked him to tell me what he was confused about.  He read the question to me, and then realized, on his own, (during the act of reading it aloud) what he was supposed to do, and he went back to work.  Except...

In the midst of this quiet 'discussion' between me and my student, my principal and the CSAP coordinator for our school walked through the classroom and witnessed me talking when I shouldn't have been.  I know what the CSAP administration manual says....you are only allowed to say, "Just do your best".  Student bleeding?  "Just do your best".  Student hyperventilating due to stress?  "Just do your best."  Student broke both pencil points?  "Just do your best".  You get the picture....Say anything else and it could be misconstrued as extra help.  Later that day, the principle sent the coordinator to ferret out what I was talking to my student about.  I was honest.  Sometime during the next day or two I was called to a meeting with the district's assessment head-honcho and my principal.  It was the most intimidating moment of my life.  I was honest.  The student's test was invalidated and a report would go in my personnel file.  I was considered 'lucky' because every student testing in the room at the time could have been invalidated. - a huge potential black eye on the school and the district.

In the eyes of my principal, I was now a teacher with no integrity (even though I did not cheat!) Seven weeks later, when renewal time came around, I was notified that my contract would not be renewed.    It came as a total surprise to me.  I had just had one of the best teacher observations (ever) a couple weeks prior.  He never let on that he was going to do that - he had given me the impression that we had moved on.  Never mind three years' worth of above-satisfactory teacher observation reports.  Never mind that all my students had shown satisfactory academic progress.  It was not good enough.  I had brought shame to my principal by 'allegedly' cheating, and that was enough.  He would not give me a letter of recommendation, and my teaching career was effectively over.

Let's talk about this notion of integrity as it pertained to the faculty of this particular school...

Case #1 - The reason why I moved from second grade to third grade was because I was forced to.  A tenured teacher wanted to switch grade levels, so I either agreed to move up to third grade so he could have my second grade position, or I had no job.  A year later this teacher left our district.  A couple of years later he was accused, tried and convicted of sexually assaulting a child (not a student).  Nice.

Case #2 - Years ago, teacher "X" photo-copied something she shouldn't have.  Teacher "Y" gave me a copy of this (ahem) material "to guide my instruction" throughout the year.  Let's just say, it's illegal to make or posses a copy of said item... (an item of which several samples are released each year by the Colorado Department of Education anyway!)

Case #3 - During the same CSAP testing period of which I was accused of impropriety, Teacher "Y" shared with me that she asked a student to erase all of his answers on the page of the test he was currently working on, and do it over again because he got every question wrong.  He did.  That is blatant.

Teachers "X" and "Y" are still teaching.  They know that I know what I know about them.  I don't like knowing what I know.  I feel cheated to some extent that they are still employed, yet I took the fall.  I forced myself to shred the illegal copies that I had, just so I wouldn't feel compelled to use it against teachers "X" and "Y" in a moment of emotional weakness on my part.  I don't want to ruin any one's careers or livelihoods, yet I can't deny that I am STILL angry enough about this whole debacle that I desire retribution for my multiple losses.  That is precisely why I am in therapy... to deal with some pretty intense feelings.

I feel shame.

I feel an immense amount of personal shame.  I feel shame that I chose to not follow the rules and lost my job because of it.  I knew the moment I spoke with that child that I shouldn't have - the rules were clear, and I did not follow them.  Why I chose to do so is a complicated matter.  Honestly, I didn't think it through.  I saw a kid struggling with his own demons (writing on demand was one of his most difficult tasks, and he could set up massive mental roadblocks), and I reacted. 

I feel shame that I can no longer contribute to the financial earnings for my family.

I feel shame that I spent all of that time and energy earning my college degree, that now languishes, useless, in a dusty file cabinet.

I feel shame that I come from a tradition of teaching in my family, yet I brought no honor to my name.  My grandmother expressed a great deal of disappointment (not in me per se) that I was no longer teaching.  I feel like I let her down.

I feel anger.

I am angry with the system.  The NCLB act was one of the worst things to do to the American educational system.  I will never acknowledge that there is any merit to high-stakes testing.  Research has proven over and over again that there is so much more to learning than regurgitating a canned written response on a test.  As long as high stakes testing exists, no child of mine will ever attend public school.

I am angry that I had no recourse when my contract was not renewed.  Despite having paid into the local, state and national teacher's union coffers for three years, there was no way I could defend myself or appeal my dismissal. I knew what I did was wrong, but I do not believe that it warranted the loss of my job - if that is the reason why I lost my job.

I am angry that my principal did not have to give me a reason for my non renewal.  He left me to agonize over it for years to come... to speculate as to the 'WHY'.  I don't know why I am still giving him license to make me feel miserable.  I was (AM!!) a good teacher.  There is nothing worse than knowing that some one looks upon you and only sees one small fraction of you instead of looking at the whole person.  It is never a good feeling when some one thinks the worst of you.

I am mostly angry with myself.  I knew better than to cast doubt on my integrity..  I am not that person.  I don't cheat.  I am smart and capable, and I play by the rules.  But still...  I wish I had possessed the fortitude to hand back the photocopies and say 'No thanks' (not that I used them anyway - I didn't).  I wish I had stifled my urge to intervene during the test- I could have chosen many other moments to be a source of strength and guidance for that student - and countless others besides him.

I just want to be done with feeling bad about this.  Teachers "X" and "Y"?  I am disappointed in your decisions and conduct.  I hope that you reflect on what you did from time to time and change your ways.  If not, karma will take care of it for you.  Mr. Principal?  Your infatuation with high test scores will not make your student population smarter.  Fear does not produce lasting results.

When did education become so punitive?  Why do we insist on making children struggle so, building up layer upon layer of anxiety, just to improve test scores by a few percentage points?   I most certainly did not react as I did because I was worried about his test score.  I will acknowledge that administrative pressure was there, even before the first day of school, to always keep CSAP in the back of our minds - but I would just nod my head accordingly, and then go back to my classroom and teach my way.  I never pressured my students, and I kept the pep talks to a minimum in an attempt to ease the pressure..  I only expected for them to do their best.

Learning should be for the sake of learning.  Nothing else.