Today just sucked. I am in no way, shape or form able to handle grief at the moment. I have done my best to shy away from email, Facebook and even the blog just to help keep my emotional stability from crumbling. Until today. No matter how hard you try to avoid the daily news, it will eventually find you. And some other parent's sad reality makes you feel instantly vulnerable. I just have to remember (to paraphrase an insightful comment on a friend's Facebook post earlier today) that the trauma is their reality, not yours. As hard as it is to witness another parent's anguish, we should not allow events like that to cloud our own lives with fear and anger.
My worst fear is random violence.
The 'what if's' keep me awake at night...every night.
I don't like crowds, I don't like big places, and I don't like small, cramped places either...with only one visible exit. I have to actively avoid the media-hype about events such as the school shooting today (well, it's after midnight, but I'm still up, so it's still technically 'today'), just so that I don't come down with a severe case of never-leave-the-house-againitis. Everybody looks somewhat suspicious to me.
I went on Facebook tonight because I needed to check on a couple of things. I was not going to scan my feed, because I knew it would just be a lengthy commentary on sadness. But -
The first thing in my feed was this...
"In the wake of the unimaginable tragedy today in Connecticut, I hope this image can help bring some tiny ounce of comfort to those affected. It's called "Security". The only consolation at this point for those children is that they are now safe in his arms, Secure in His love. Its times like now when that assurance Jesus Christ offers really matters."
The second was this...
|"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." -- Mister Rogers|
The third thing was this...a picture posted by my cousin, Rob.
|My Uncle 'Buzz' and Aunt Janet|
Uncle Buzz passed away on 12/3/12
This is when I officially lost it. I was rocking Colin to sleep, and trying to sob as quietly as possible. I've cried a few tears over the past several days, but it is disquieting to cry in front of the kids... and so you stuff your grief way down and get on with the lessons, errands, dishes and laundry of the day. The tears have subsided for now, but I think I just need to go on a media blackout for awhile... it hurts too much.
I am not particularly religious, but the image of an innocent child being welcomed into the comforting arms of Jesus... well... it's powerful. Those final moments of those poor children's lives were undeniably horrific. It helps ease my grief to think that they are safe and at peace - wherever their souls may be. Damn it... they were just babies!!!