Do you ever wish you didn't know what you know?

I started out last week, on Monday morning, feeling pretty good.  Then I had my therapy session.  After that, not so good.  The therapy session, in and of itself, went really well.  I have two big issues of sadness and anger, my divorce and job loss, that I need to work through.  So, last Monday's topic was job loss.

It was a timely issue for me, because another teacher in our district, a well-respected veteran teacher, is facing dismissal for allegedly cheating on CSAP.  This scenario is very similar to my 'dismissal'.  I can't really call my losing my job a 'dismissal', because I was on a one-year contract anyway.  That's just part of the three year process of becoming a tenured teacher - you get renewed one year at a time, with your third renewal being the renewal that means you will be hired permanently, and achieve tenure, or 'relative' job security.  When my third time for renewal came around, my principal told me that I was no longer a 'good fit' for his school.  I am going to share with you why...

I am still leery about discussing it openly - only because I know things I wish I didn't know.  Things that could cost individuals their jobs and embarrass the school (and district).  It was very 'freeing' to be able to discuss it with a third party - someone who didn't know any of the people involved.  I could name names.  I could swear.  I could be open, raw and honest.  I am carrying an amazing amount of emotional burden  - way more than I need to.

Here is my story:
I began teaching in my district six years ago - I had only one previous year of teaching under my belt.  I began with one year in second grade and spent the final two in third grade.  In the second year of teaching third grade I was accused of 'reading' a portion of the CSAP test to one of my students, and 'leading' him towards an answer.  I did not.  I did quietly discuss with one of my students why he was staring into space when he was supposed to be working on the test.  He indicated he was frustrated with a question.  I asked him to tell me what he was confused about.  He read the question to me, and then realized, on his own, (during the act of reading it aloud) what he was supposed to do, and he went back to work.  Except...

In the midst of this quiet 'discussion' between me and my student, my principal and the CSAP coordinator for our school walked through the classroom and witnessed me talking when I shouldn't have been.  I know what the CSAP administration manual says....you are only allowed to say, "Just do your best".  Student bleeding?  "Just do your best".  Student hyperventilating due to stress?  "Just do your best."  Student broke both pencil points?  "Just do your best".  You get the picture....Say anything else and it could be misconstrued as extra help.  Later that day, the principle sent the coordinator to ferret out what I was talking to my student about.  I was honest.  Sometime during the next day or two I was called to a meeting with the district's assessment head-honcho and my principal.  It was the most intimidating moment of my life.  I was honest.  The student's test was invalidated and a report would go in my personnel file.  I was considered 'lucky' because every student testing in the room at the time could have been invalidated. - a huge potential black eye on the school and the district.

In the eyes of my principal, I was now a teacher with no integrity (even though I did not cheat!) Seven weeks later, when renewal time came around, I was notified that my contract would not be renewed.    It came as a total surprise to me.  I had just had one of the best teacher observations (ever) a couple weeks prior.  He never let on that he was going to do that - he had given me the impression that we had moved on.  Never mind three years' worth of above-satisfactory teacher observation reports.  Never mind that all my students had shown satisfactory academic progress.  It was not good enough.  I had brought shame to my principal by 'allegedly' cheating, and that was enough.  He would not give me a letter of recommendation, and my teaching career was effectively over.

Let's talk about this notion of integrity as it pertained to the faculty of this particular school...

Case #1 - The reason why I moved from second grade to third grade was because I was forced to.  A tenured teacher wanted to switch grade levels, so I either agreed to move up to third grade so he could have my second grade position, or I had no job.  A year later this teacher left our district.  A couple of years later he was accused, tried and convicted of sexually assaulting a child (not a student).  Nice.

Case #2 - Years ago, teacher "X" photo-copied something she shouldn't have.  Teacher "Y" gave me a copy of this (ahem) material "to guide my instruction" throughout the year.  Let's just say, it's illegal to make or posses a copy of said item... (an item of which several samples are released each year by the Colorado Department of Education anyway!)

Case #3 - During the same CSAP testing period of which I was accused of impropriety, Teacher "Y" shared with me that she asked a student to erase all of his answers on the page of the test he was currently working on, and do it over again because he got every question wrong.  He did.  That is blatant.

Teachers "X" and "Y" are still teaching.  They know that I know what I know about them.  I don't like knowing what I know.  I feel cheated to some extent that they are still employed, yet I took the fall.  I forced myself to shred the illegal copies that I had, just so I wouldn't feel compelled to use it against teachers "X" and "Y" in a moment of emotional weakness on my part.  I don't want to ruin any one's careers or livelihoods, yet I can't deny that I am STILL angry enough about this whole debacle that I desire retribution for my multiple losses.  That is precisely why I am in therapy... to deal with some pretty intense feelings.

I feel shame.

I feel an immense amount of personal shame.  I feel shame that I chose to not follow the rules and lost my job because of it.  I knew the moment I spoke with that child that I shouldn't have - the rules were clear, and I did not follow them.  Why I chose to do so is a complicated matter.  Honestly, I didn't think it through.  I saw a kid struggling with his own demons (writing on demand was one of his most difficult tasks, and he could set up massive mental roadblocks), and I reacted. 

I feel shame that I can no longer contribute to the financial earnings for my family.

I feel shame that I spent all of that time and energy earning my college degree, that now languishes, useless, in a dusty file cabinet.

I feel shame that I come from a tradition of teaching in my family, yet I brought no honor to my name.  My grandmother expressed a great deal of disappointment (not in me per se) that I was no longer teaching.  I feel like I let her down.

I feel anger.

I am angry with the system.  The NCLB act was one of the worst things to do to the American educational system.  I will never acknowledge that there is any merit to high-stakes testing.  Research has proven over and over again that there is so much more to learning than regurgitating a canned written response on a test.  As long as high stakes testing exists, no child of mine will ever attend public school.

I am angry that I had no recourse when my contract was not renewed.  Despite having paid into the local, state and national teacher's union coffers for three years, there was no way I could defend myself or appeal my dismissal. I knew what I did was wrong, but I do not believe that it warranted the loss of my job - if that is the reason why I lost my job.

I am angry that my principal did not have to give me a reason for my non renewal.  He left me to agonize over it for years to come... to speculate as to the 'WHY'.  I don't know why I am still giving him license to make me feel miserable.  I was (AM!!) a good teacher.  There is nothing worse than knowing that some one looks upon you and only sees one small fraction of you instead of looking at the whole person.  It is never a good feeling when some one thinks the worst of you.

I am mostly angry with myself.  I knew better than to cast doubt on my integrity..  I am not that person.  I don't cheat.  I am smart and capable, and I play by the rules.  But still...  I wish I had possessed the fortitude to hand back the photocopies and say 'No thanks' (not that I used them anyway - I didn't).  I wish I had stifled my urge to intervene during the test- I could have chosen many other moments to be a source of strength and guidance for that student - and countless others besides him.

I just want to be done with feeling bad about this.  Teachers "X" and "Y"?  I am disappointed in your decisions and conduct.  I hope that you reflect on what you did from time to time and change your ways.  If not, karma will take care of it for you.  Mr. Principal?  Your infatuation with high test scores will not make your student population smarter.  Fear does not produce lasting results.

When did education become so punitive?  Why do we insist on making children struggle so, building up layer upon layer of anxiety, just to improve test scores by a few percentage points?   I most certainly did not react as I did because I was worried about his test score.  I will acknowledge that administrative pressure was there, even before the first day of school, to always keep CSAP in the back of our minds - but I would just nod my head accordingly, and then go back to my classroom and teach my way.  I never pressured my students, and I kept the pep talks to a minimum in an attempt to ease the pressure..  I only expected for them to do their best.

Learning should be for the sake of learning.  Nothing else.

Wordless Wednesday

Friday Fun - 'Farm Friday'

It's Farm Friday at Jedel Graff family farm.  They invite kids of all ages to come out to the farm on the last Friday of every month to get a good dose of farm life.  You can spend your time cavorting with hens, goats, ponies, horses and a cat or two.  This was our first visit to the farm, and we had a very fine time, indeed.  A couple of comments, though.  There has been some miscommunication about a few things.  It is held on the last Friday of the month... not the third.  I think, initially, that when the info was sent out about this event a few months ago, it had been stated that it was the third Friday of every month.  I can tell from the Facebook activity that there are still a lot of folks that think that (as in, there were a lot of posts last week on the 17th).  It was also stated that there would be pony rides available.  When we arrived today, we were told that due to insurance reasons, they could no longer do that.  (Stupid bureaucracy!).  I wish I had known that before I told my kids they could ride ponies.  Lastly, the price per child is now $2.00 (at least today it was..??).  I was under the impression that it was $5.00 per child.  I came with a $20 (no change) expecting to pay for three kids plus extra for pony rides.  I gladly paid my $20 today because it goes to support a wonderful family farm - but hey, $$ is tight and I don't like spending extra money unnecessarily.  So - all that being said - I think some clarification on their site would be helpful.   I hope this clears it up for any of my friends who might attend in the future!

Now, on to the photos!

I have to add a comment here.  This is not my child (pictured above)- he is just another little boy visiting the farm.  All of my kids commented about playing in the mud.  Rylan did not want to get her shirt dirty.  Surprisingly, Jordan didn't want to get dirty either.  This may be why.....

This was last July.  I didn't take it.....very well.

Meanwhile... back on the farm....



"I solemnly swear, I am up to no good"

 



AHEM!!  (boys...)

 

I just loved being there today.  This is a wonderful family that has provided our community with a great opportunity to get up close and personal with farm life.  I loved the pace of the afternoon the most.  I just followed the kids around as they moved about the farm, taking pictures.  It was soooooo nice not to be on a time-table this afternoon!

My 'white trash' moments will become treasures. In time...

Baby in the pool with just a swim diaper on? 

Yeah.... he's with me.

Three year old wading in the baby pool, fully clothed?

Yeah.... he's with me too.

Same three year old running around a swim meet with just a diaper on?

Um.  Yeah.  He's still with me.  But not for long.

Five year old in the baby pool, fully clothed as well?

YES.  She's with me too.  I'm so proud of our classy kids.

How to come prepared for a swim meet.

1. Don't bring small children.  But if you must, do so at your own risk.
2. Bring extra changes of clothes for every child.  Especially the child that will have explosive diarrhea in his diaper ten minutes after you arrive.  And not tell you about it.  Until the lovely brown streaks show up on his pants that alert you that 'something' is leaking.
3. Don't change a child into his swim suit (because his shorts are now messy) and expect him to listen to you when you tell him NOT to get into the pool.  He won't.
4. Bring tons of extra swim diapers.
5. Bring at least five extra beach towels.
6. Bring extra-large sunglasses so that 'maybe' you won't be recognized.
7. Bring the camera.  You want to document this.  Really.
8. Don't forget WHY you are at a swim meet.  You will have a child in the pool, swimming in a race, at least every 20 minutes.
9. You can forget bringing a book, magazine, iPod and cell phone.  Unless of course you don't mind if one of your small children falls into the pool and drowns while you are distracted.
10. Bring lots and lots and lots of snacks.
11. Bring lots and lots and lots of waterbottles.  Because one of your children will think of them as squirt guns, and will use up all of the water - leaving none for anyone else to drink.  Thirsty, hot children are cranky children.
12. Did I say DON'T bring small children?

The Grind Continues...

Well, back to running a full household.  Lots in store for this week.  Jordan has his first swim meet this coming Wednesday.  We saw his swim coach this morning, and she told him he will be swimming the 50 free, 50 backstroke and the 50 breast stroke.  Lucky thing is, all swim practice and swim lessons were cancelled for today because it is too cold and (somewhat) rainy.  Bad thing is, I found out after I made the drive at 6:45 am, with a very sleepy 11 year old, to get there.

Owen was to begin swim lessons this morning as well.  It will be his first time.  I'm glad he doesn't have to get in the water this morning, though.  I don't want his first lesson to be memorable for all the wrong reasons.  It also doesn't help that he is so stubborn.  If it isn't something he wants to do, there is NO convincing him otherwise.  I will admit that this particular character trait of his has me awake at night.  What is going to happen when I begin formal lessons with him in a year or two?  I do remember having the same worries about Rylan - not for the stubbornness, but for her....flakiness?  She will begin 'something' and then promptly abandon it the second it gets a little difficult - no matter the subject matter.  I have to constantly encourage her to keep her resolve up so we can complete whatever it is.

Only two Dr. appts this week - counseling for me this morning and for Jordan tomorrow.  These dang Dr. appts.  They just always seem to throw the day's schedule in for a loop.  I try to work them in in such a way as to butt up against something else, which helps the flow.  My appt this morning is within walking distance, so Dean stays with the kids, feeds them breakfast, and takes off for work as soon as I get home.  We don't have anywhere else to be today, so it works out that he has the van for the rest of the day.  Tomorrow's appt. for Jordan is in Loveland, just a couple of miles away from the karate studio.  We go to his appt, and we hang out in the van watching a video or playing while Jordan is inside.  Then we eat the lunch I packed up earlier, drive over to the studio and Jordan and Rylan do their karate lesson while the little boys and I talk a walk around the neighborhood and visit a playround nearby.  It works out better this way than to have a gap in between things - that just drags it out even longer.  I still wish I could hold fast to my resolve to only have Dr. appts during the last week of the month, when we are taking a break from lessons.  It's the therapy appts that are the major culprit - they have to be every week or every other week... Jordan's is every three weeks now - which is a major blessing!

Well - I'm off to my therapy session - which I think is a great way to start off the week!

I have survived...

I have survived my week of quasi-single parenthood.  Last Sunday Dean and Jordan left for boy scout camp.  They returned late this morning, bearing gifts of laundry and dusty camping gear.

Here was my week...

I DID enjoy a three hour blitz of The Closer (all-time favorite TV show) courtesy of the DVR on Sunday afternoon.  Why?  Because ALL THREE little ones took a three hour nap!!  Totally unheard of in this household.  And NO, I did not drug them.

I DIDN'T do any work towards getting any receipts entered into Microsoft Money.  I am currently working on entering May of 2010.  Every evening I would tell myself that I would start after the kids were in bed, and then I would promptly fall asleep myself.

I DID change approximately 70 diapers.

I DIDN'T make the kids brush their teeth every night.  Forgot.

I DID do two loads of laundry.  When I should have done about eight.  I'll be paying for that this weekend.

I DIDN'T find Jordan's library book that has been missing since April.  I will be purchasing a very expensive book this afternoon.

I DID manage to get Rylan to 4 swimming lessons, 1 cooking lesson, 2 karate lessons, and 1 pool party.

I DIDN'T get to one swimming lesson because of a Dr. appt for me, and 1 karate lesson because Colin fell fast asleep 10 minutes before we were ready to go.

I DID get 20 tomato plants in the garden.  Finally.

I DIDN'T forget to take out the trash on Monday.  The garbage collectors were very nice as they waited for me to drag out the trash can from the garage, after they had already passed my house.

I DID go to Mommy Bookclub on Thursday.  It was nice to get out with some friends.  I wish that we could have had a more in-depth discussion of the book, but the restaurant was a bit noisy.  Can't complain though - good food, good drinks (maybe too good ?? :), and good atmosphere.

I DIDN'T have to get up in the middle of the night to comfort the little ones during a series of thunderstorms that passed through early (2:30 am) Friday morning.  For that I am very thankful.

I DID finish my bookclub book on Monday, and even completed a blog entry about it.  It only took me three days of continued effort to get it written and polished.

I DIDN'T spend a lot of time on Facebook or keeping up with my favorite blogs.  In what little free time I had I spent reading my next book, Shelters of Stone, instead.

I DID walk with the boys in a double-stroller this morning during Rylan's karate lesson.  It was very nice indeed.  We went down to the Loveland Civic Center and walked around the lagoon and admired the different fountains.  Owen liked the whale fluke the best.

I DIDN'T get the cleaning projects finished like I had planned to.  Several days of fatigue continued to hamper my efforts.  Although I did manage to finally address the two bags of "stuff" that was cleaned out of the Subaru when we sold it and left it with the mechanic.  It's nice to have the counter space back.

I DID get my annual pelvic exam done.  I scheduled my first-ever mammogram for next month.  Early menopause was also discussed.  Uugh.  I also got a blood draw done to see what (if anything) is going on with my thyroid.  I have a list of supplements to purchase (Vitamin B complex, Fish oil, Vitamin D, GABA and 5HTP) to take to help me combat the fatigue, mood swings and stress I have been dealing with lately.

I DIDN'T get enough sleep.

I DID get the kids outside for plenty of sunshine and play every day.

A tough week, but very little drama and it really did fly by.  I am glad the big boys are home.  :)

Want greener grass? Use fertilizer.



I just finished reading Swapping Lives, by Jane Green.  It was the book pick for this month in my Mommy Bookclub.  (not our official name, I just call us that because we all initially got together (four years ago this September) on an online forum for Northern Colorado moms).  Intended as a light summer read for the season, I would say that this book really stirred up some intense introspection for me - unlike any book I have read in awhile.  Yet- given the gist of the story, not for the reasons you might think.

The premise of the story is that a single, thirty-five year old English journalist (Vicky), buzzing about the London social scene, craves a different life.  She longs to be married to an attentive husband and have kids, a large dog and a large fancy house in the country.  With no prospects on the horizon, a plan develops where she will trade places (swap lives) with another woman for a period of one month.  Vicky will trade her fun-filled single life with Amber (a desperate suburban housewife), who craves to be reminded of what it is like to be single again (or at least have a break from family life), and find the answers to what she is looking for.

IMPORTANT!  No - I do not wish for a break from family life.  I don't wish to have my career back.  And I most certainly do not wish to be single again.

My introspection comes from other food-for-thought throughout the book.  Do I like having a busy suburban social life?  Do I really care about clothing and accessories?  Do I miss the freedom (from before kids) to go out and about with friends and do whatever?

Social life.  I certainly don't have the kind of social life that is mentioned in the book.  No league or charity luncheons, jewelry shows or yoga classes and shopping trips.  I do have a busy life, but it is more centered around activities for the kids - with the grown-up socializing happening around the fringe.  We go to the park to meet with other homeschoolers during the week, and the moms get to socialize there.  Lucky for me, there is no sense of competition here.  No one is checking out what anyone else is wearing, not a trace of make up is to be found, and most every one's hair is in a messy ponytail.  Perfect.  If there is any envy at all, it is in the food.  The kid's lunches to be more precise.  I envy the moms that have a vast array of fruits and vegetables all washed, diced, and ready to go.  Organic everything. (Okay, I don't envy that... I have my limits.  Or rather, my budget does...)  But, I suppose there are lots of sideways glances going on to check out what other kiddos are having for lunch.  Do I like being so busy?  No.  I struggle with how to fit it all in on a daily basis.  The schooling portion of our day always seems to get the short end of the stick.

Clothing.  Up until maybe a few months ago, I had no idea what Jimmy Choos were.  Shoes that cost that as much as my monthly mortgage are not attractive to me.   Chic lit that is all about fashion (clothing, shoes, handbags, etc...) is just not an enjoyable read for me because it is absolutely foreign to me.  So yes, that part of this book I did not like...  Some readers might think of it as a nice escape or a way to dream.  For me, I grew up always being just a couple steps behind with what was in style, so clothing has never been my thing because I felt like a dork.  The Sears catalogue defined my elementary years, my dad's old shirts defined Jr. High, and High school was what I could afford at the mall, given my pooled resources of what I earned and a clothing budget from my mom.  My closet was not exactly brimming.  As time went on, and I was on my own, I shopped Land's End and LL Bean almost exclusively.  I liked the soft cottons, the beautiful simplicity, and the suggestion that I could go on a hike and shop at the farmer's market and not even have to change.  In fact, a good portion of my closet still contains those pieces - a good testament to how well made they are.  Nowadays, I spend most of the clothing budget on the kids.  I think I may only buy one or two things for me a year - the exception being when I was pregnant - and that whole wardrobe was used three times over!  I hate jean shopping the most.  I have one pair - and they don't fit very well at all.  Post-pregnancy has not been kind to me, and I have a very complicated shape to fit.  I absolutely refuse to spend more than $50 on a pair of jeans.  I also can't stand the jean styles that are in fashion right now.  At least I cannot stand them on me.  Also, I would need the whole ensemble to make them work - the right tops, the right shoes (the right figure), and that is where I get pissed off.  Clothing should not have to be that complicated.  And then there is the time it takes to find the right outfit.  I don't have that time.  Clothing shopping with the kids is an absolute joke.  Forget trying anything on - just grab the hanger and hope it fits. 

Accessories.  I am a sucker for organization - so I will admit that I am a sucker for purses.  I am also very, very picky.  My husband made the mistake of offering to take me shopping for one as a birthday present a couple of years ago.  After an hour of searching, I gave up.  Everything was too big, chunky, shiny, or just plain ugly.  About a year ago I came across a Miche handbag display at a local teacher's supply store (of all places).  I was smitten.  But I couldn't justify spending $$ on myself when we had workbooks to buy.  I finally made the purchase a few months ago.  I love it.  And I have received so many compliments on it (which is an absolute first for me)- and I hope I have steered a few ladies towards purchasing one.  They are great!!  If you don't know what makes them special, it's that the outer shell is magnetic and therefore removable.  So you can change the style of your purse by swapping shells in less that two seconds - without having to unload your purse.



As for other accessories - scarves, jewelry, belts.... um.... I never wear them?  The kids would pull at the jewelry, and everything else just gets in the way.

Dinner parties, play dates and luncheons.  We have attended just a handful of dinner parties in the time that we have been married.  Having infants will do that to you.  Going to dinner at a friend's house, who has small children as well, is the ideal scenario.  It gets easier and easier as the children are getting older.  I just wish we could do it more often!  Play dates happen on occasion.  In homeschooling circles - everyone else is doing the same thing (lessons), so sometimes getting kids together is tricky.  It is also hard because we have four kids.  Sometimes it is just Jordan, or Jordan and Rylan, but involving all four in a play date is a challenge.  Parks are ideal for this reason.  I know there is a lot going on socially in my circle of friends, (because Facebook tells me so...), but our dance card remains empty.  This is largely my fault. 

1.  I am very shy and am terrible about calling up a friend to invite her and/or her kids to do something.
2.  When a friend suggest that we need to get together for a play date, I fail to follow through.  See number one for reason why.
3.  I've been a yo-yo sickie for the past three months.
4.  I have a hard time achieving balance in life - and schooling/housekeeping pressures prevent me from taking the social stuff more seriously.
5.  We do get invited to a few things, but our busy schedule means that there is almost always a conflict.  Once you say 'no', a second invite isn't always forth-coming.

So - back to my thoughts on the book.  I liked that each woman experienced small epiphanies that their 'life' that they left behind for the sake of the experiment was, indeed, the one they wanted after all.  The suburban mom felt that the most poignant self-realization was that she was no longer in control of her life.  Her household help knew more about the day-to-day activities of the household than she did.  She let the social-climbers of the community dictate what she cared about.  I can identify with that.  I often feel like I am not in control of my life - and am living in a way I don't really want to live.  Running from one activity to the next (this June schedule is a perfect example of that), that I don't get to spend enough time with the kids (which I KNOW sounds ridiculous coming from a SAHM), and the unpredictability of each day frustrates all of us.  It makes me really sad when I get to the end of the day, and I realize that I never sat down to just read a story to Rylan or Owen, that I never got down on the floor to play with Colin, or took the time to go down to the local pond with Jordan so that he could fish.  And again, there is my failure to achieve balance.  All I think about is the kids - I don't take the time to take care of me, or dedicate time to just 'be' with Dean.  I've shelved a lot of my wants and needs for the sake of theirs.  My 'homework' from my therapy session is to find a way to do this.  No idea how, at the moment.  Get back to me in a couple of years.  Do I feel loss because I don't have a career anymore?  No.  That I am sure of.  I do take the time to get books from the library that interest me - books that cover different aspects of the human condition (you can see this reflected in the books that I have completed so far this year) - and a lot of ideas are percolating in my head.  I have always loved the social sciences - they were my favorite college classes.  The suburban mom who gets the chance to go back to work and actually 'do' something?  To feel part of the team?  Yeah, I can identify with that. There is a bit of wistfulness there, but not much.  My day will come, after the kids move on to their next phase in life.  In the meantime, I get to fine tune what it is I actually want to do - plus the job market will change so much between now and then, anyway.

Did I always want to be a mom of four?  A stay-at-home-mom?  Homeschooling?  uuummmm.... No.

Funny enough, when I was in my early twenties, I thought it would be exciting to move to a big city, and live in a high-rise apartment and have an office job.  The access to shopping, cultural activities, restaurants... that could be really cool!  But.  I am an introvert at heart, and that whole scheme would never work for me.  I would hate it.

My life (as it is now) didn't just happen.  Choices, circumstances, events beyond my control all worked to shape it into what it is today.  I love what my life has become, though.  Even though (at times) I feel like we must resemble a herd of elephants on stampede whenever we enter a store, even though I constantly feel buried under piles of laundry, dirty dishes and unopened mail, I never pause to think that the grass might be greener somewhere else.  If you want it to be greener where you are presently at - just fertilize it with the good stuff.  Begin by taking the time to list what you appreciate about your present situation, what you need to change in order to make it better, and then follow through.  Greener grass will most surely follow.