Favoritism, Hail, Surgery and Flowers

 Favoritism

As per custom over the years, when Jordan arrives home from a stay with his mom in OK, he will eventually share some annoying and typically hurtful comment that his mom made in his presence - usually directed at either 'us' or 'me'.  This time it was about our switching to Calvert this coming school year.  We have enrolled in Colorado Calvert Academy, an online, virtual public school.  Calvert, for me, is all about the curriculum.  I have studied all of the grade levels (K-8) with a teacher's eye, lining up the scope and sequence with Colorado State Standards, and it makes me wish August were here already so we could start - that is how excited I am about it!  Calvert is not shy about letting parents know what the expectations are in the role they must play in this.  I am to expect that Jordan will have 5-6 hours of work per school day to slog through (count that as 7-8 for the distracted ADHD child), and I will need to be at his elbow for a significant part of it.  And not just Jordan, either.  There will also be Rylan and Owen to attend to.  Aaaaand to keep Colin from destroying the house in the process.  This also does not count the extras I fit in, like Nature Study, Lego League, chess club, swimming....   In Jordan's mom's eyes, this switch is because I have become lazy about homeschooling Jordan, and I want someone else to do it for me so I can spend more time with the other kids.  So I guess all of the children are getting the 'lazy treatment', because I don't show favoritism.  I. do. not. show. favoritism.  If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would in fact think quite the opposite.  My time and attention is predominantly spent with Jordan, because he is the oldest.  When you spent your entire day, day after day, surrounded by little kids, you crave any type of adult conversation you can find.  Poor Jordan has been my guinea pig.  As soon as he could sustain a conversation, we were talking.  We talk about everything under the sun - history, science, math, literature, religion, technology, child rearing, gardening.... and I think he enjoys it as much as I do, because he will recall many a conversation with me (several of which were prompted by the Core Knowledge reading for the day) and relate back to it in some way.

His mother's comments are serious button pushers for me.  I understand where they are coming from - she is no longer the principal parent, she feels threatened, she probably has a lot of anger and resentment, and I seem like the easy target.  That doesn't mean that these comments don't bother me.  They bother me a great deal.  The comments hurt my feelings and question my integrity.  Parenting a child should be a partnership, not a game of one-up-manship.  A child is a human being with feelings - not a piece of property.


Hail

We had a wicked hail storm late Tuesday night.  It went on for a very long time, and the average size was somewhere between a quarter and a golf ball.  Dean and I traveled from window to window, getting more and more excited as the hailstones grew in size.  This was the big one we have been hoping for!  The next morning revealed that the roof had taken its last stand (yay!), the window screens were shredded (yay!), the shutters on the front windows were cracked and even broken in places (meh), there are pits and dents in the garage door and trim (yay!), there are dents in the hood of the minivan (meh), the passenger side mirror is cracked (meh), and there are pits all over the fence.  We are still waiting for adjusters to look at house and car (State Farm - I am NOT impressed...), but we did have a roofer come out on Wednesday to have a look and I am pretty excited about the findings... ;)  Can't say much more than that at this point, but the house will be getting a makeover very, very soon.

Surgery

Yesterday I met with the surgeon I had picked out to do my knee surgery.  He has done the knees and shoulders of three of my relatives and several of Dean's coworkers, and they all sang very high praises.  He concurred that surgery needs to be done if I want to return to my favorite physical activities.  I guess there are people out there who elect not to do this because they don't want to go through the rehab.  An ACL replacement is not for the faint of heart.  In fact, it makes me sweat with fear thinking about it.  It is tough-going in the rehab department.  Like - really tough.  I am 42, and my age is affecting my prognosis.  I have elected to go with an autograft of my patellar tendon to replace the ACL.  This is the more difficult one to rehab - it will take longer and will be more painful.  It may mean that I can't ever quite get down on my knees again.  (thank goodness I don't have babies anymore, and don't expect my floors to look clean ever again).  I am choosing an autograft over an allograft (donation from a cadaver) because the thought of tissue rejection and infection scares me.  Plus, and I know this is weird, but the thought of someone elses' tissue in my body gives me the heebie-jeebies.  I know I would feel quite differently if the case were that I needed a new liver or something and couldn't live without a transplant, but in this case I just feel weird about it.  BUT - the fact that I am 42 means that being my own donor brings about other concerns.  My tendons are older, may not be as robust (too bad tendons aren't fatty tissue!  No problem there...), and may not give the best results. I've studied the outcomes and the percentages are not in my favor.  This is where I get scared.  What if I go through all of this and find out that my knee will still never be stable enough for skiing, hiking or running?  This instantly brings tears to my eyes.  I would be crushed.  Damn...

The surgery has tentatively been scheduled for July 31st.  I am to work very hard on my PT for the next three weeks to see if I can really improve my range of motion and strength.  He'll reassess at that time and decide whether or not that surgery date will work.  If I am not where I should be recovery-wise, the surgery will have to be pushed back.  Talk about pressure!  If the surgery gets pushed back, life will get seriously difficult - beyond difficult - if I can't drive by September.  I already have the mindset that we are taking off the month of August from absolutely everything, so that rehab is the only focus.  Then after August, I have 2-3 months of PT, twice to three times a week to look forward too.  Damn. Damn. Damn.  It will be difficult enough to launch a whole new curriculum and homeschooling rhythm, without throwing constant therapy appointments into the mix.  AAAGGHHH!  I hate stress.  :(

Flowers

As frustrating as this week was - although the hail was actually a good thing in our eyes - it was an act of kindness that helped sooth out the worries.  After I had arrived home with my appointment with the surgeon, the kids and I grabbed our rakes and cleaned up the mess left behind from the storm.  I had left it as-is in the hopes that an insurance adjuster would be along shortly to look at all the damage, but by Friday morning it was looking trashy, so I decided it was time to clean up.  As we were doing so, a van from a local greenhouse pulled up in front of our house.  At first I thought they were asking for directions.  Then I thought that maybe they were jumping out to help (lol...).  Nope - a guy and a girl hopped out and announced that they had been instructed to drive around and give away hanging flower baskets to any takers they could find, since the greenhouse had too many.  I was dumbfounded and so, so touched.  I think this was the owner's way of reaching out to those who had storm damage and give a little bit of happiness.  I called the company right away to express my heartfelt thanks.  I've got to remember in these tough and scary weeks ahead that I need to look for the good, and be thankful for what I do have.

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Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... A slightly overcast, cool morning. Lovely!

I am thinking... About the dual weddings in our family yesterday. I attended my cousin's wedding with the three little kids yesterday afternoon. It was held at a country farm that has a wedding venue. The kids played on tractors, went on a hayride and played in a huge fort with their cousins and second cousins. A very nice afternoon/evening. Meanwhile, Dean drove to OKC on Friday, and attended his niece's wedding yesterday as well. It was also a country-themed wedding! Jordan was brought by his mom to the wedding, and both Dean and Jordan will be making the drive home on Monday. It was nice to spend some time visiting with family, and I even got up and danced the Hokey Pokey - which was the perfect song for my present condition. I've settled on a surgeon for ACL replacement, and lo and behold - come to find out he has also operated on my aunt, uncle and grandmother..multiple times!

I am thankful... That Shannon and Jamie, and Christie and Marcus each found the partner they were looking for. I am also thankful for my three nephews, who kept constant tabs on my kids and kept them out of trouble yesterday (with one minor exception when Colin almost made it up and over the fence into the goat pen before my brother spotted the little stinker...)

From the Learning Rooms... We are doing just a little bit here and there everyday since we are on summer schedule. I attended a parent orientation meeting for incoming Calvert parents last week. I met the principal and she seems like a very astute educator - I like her immensely. We looked at the online portal for parents, and the other one for students, and then at all of the extra features - like access to Discovery Education and Brain Pop (wahoo!). I submitted the placement tests for Jordan, Rylan and Owen last month, so I expect to hear any day now what level they will work at for math and reading. I can't wait to start - sometime in mid to late August.

In the kitchen... Well, we are getting by on frozen Eggo waffles and oatmeal packets this morning, so I would say the situation is pretty dire. We need to go grocery shopping badly - and that is my least favorite activity at the present moment. :(

I am wearing... pjs and a knee brace.

I am creating... A dress for Rylan! I saw a pattern for a pillowcase dress and I had to try it. It is downright shameful that I have sewed nothing for my kids save for a couple of Halloween costumes. Almost criminal...

I am going... shopping of course - but only because I have to. Otherwise I want to partake in a full day of going absolutely nowhere.

I am wondering... If the baby turtles will like frozen bloodworms. We're about to find out.

I am reading... The Happiness Project, by Gretchen Rubin. (thanks Michelle!). The perfect book for a person who is feeling stuck. Now - sound the trumpets - I finally finished Drums of Autumn, by Diana Gabaldon. The first 1/3 of the book was a real slog for me (obviously because it took me several months), but once I got past that, I was putting in a few hours every day since it was so hard to put down. Loved it. I am afraid to pick up the next one in the Outlander series just yet, I want to whittle away at the pile of books that is on my bedside table. I read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet, by Jamie Ford last week and I really liked it. It was a rough transition to go from 1770's North Carolina to 1940's Chinatown in Seattle and Japanese internment camp, but that actually helped pull me away from Jamie and Claire. I loved the story and the way the author bounced back and forth from past to present. It's horrible what both the Chinese and Japanese Americans went through, yet several families just met it with quiet acceptance because of the realities of being a nation at war. The descriptions of the occasion when the Japanese families were rounded up and put on trains sounded so alarmingly like the Jewish experience in Poland and Germany...so wrong in so many ways. The book presented the story without judgement of the actions of the United States Government -yet you could read past that and still get a real sense of the injustice of it all.

In the garden... Several tomato plants that need to go into the ground to-day!

I am hoping... this coolish weather holds for the entire day

I am looking forward to... tomorrow night when Dean and Jordan get home and to the week we have Jordan with us before they traipse off to summer camp.

I am learning... I wish I could say I'm learning to take it easy - but I'm not.

I am hearing... Shawn the Sheep Season 4, the kids making 'sandwiches' out of each other with the couch cushions, and the panicked announcement that there is a wasp on the living room window. 'Scuse me a sec...

Around the house... a recently-deceased wasp, a fruitless search for Rylan's pink swim goggles, and a dog water dish that just got dumped over. (great - clean floors, check!)

I am pondering... how much time I want to devote to sewing today (yay!) vs. bills and balancing accounts. (boo!)

One of my favorite things... a wedding... :)

A few plans for the rest of the week... Jordan has an orthodontist appointment this week. We are now 18 months over the original treatment time estimate, and I have yet to meet his orthodontist. I'm raisin' a little hell this week, I think. I see the physical therapist this week, and I will be making the appointment to see the surgeon. Colin and Owen will be starting their second session of swimming lessons this week. Rylan was signed up, but there are not enough kids to make the class a 'go'. We're both pretty bummed. She just got bumped up to Level 5, and was really excited. I think we may do a few private lessons in the meantime - I hate for the good momentum to stop. Owen's lessons went great last week - he has moved up to Level 3. Colin refused to get in the pool twice last week - once because we were seeing a summer movie afterwards, and he was afraid he would miss it if he did his lesson, and the other because I brought the 'wrong' swimsuit. %*#^%*&!

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

The cat has taken a recent interest in the comfy dog bed, and Abby isn't quite sure what to do about it...

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Bouncing back...

One of the kids' favorite TV shows is America's Funniest Videos.  It was my favorite when I was growing up as well.  I've noticed that a certain (disturbing) video seems to get a lot of air time, and never grows old.  It's the video of a well-endowed woman trotting on a horse, with her boobs flopping up and down from chin to belly button.  The video clip makes me cringe, every time.  I am embarrassed for her - how awful that a less-than-flattering image of her becomes a regular video clip for all of America to laugh at on a weekly basis.  I hurt physically for her - I've been there, and it is painful.  I am disgusted at who we all are as a people, that we still engage in the monstrous behavior of poking fun at the physical attributes of certain people.

I hate the 'bounce'.  For YEARS I have refused to do stuff that would cause it - running, jumping, dancing...it would just draw sideways glances from some, to outright rude stares from others.  Jumping was the worst.  I loved jump rope games at recess as a kid, but as the years passed and the chance came around again for me to jump - as a teacher on recess duty, I always told the girls 'no' - I'll turn the rope, but no jumping for me.  I eventually gave in and did it once.  My resolve broke down - they were having so much fun and begging me to jump too, so I couldn't resist.  One year after having Rylan, there I was, jumping rope.  One, two....three jumps and my bra strap snapped.  I'm not kidding.  I dashed to the classroom and had five minutes to fashion a fix with duct tape before the whistle sounded.  Fast forward six years to when my daughter just turned seven.  She received a beautiful new jump rope from a friend for her birthday, and really wanted to jump.  So we went to a park one afternoon and Dean and I turned the rope for her.  I jumped a little, just to give her some pointers, and Dean politely said that my shirt was flying up and things were falling out.  So that was the end of that.  In the back of my mind that day, I already had the big upcoming BR surgery to focus on...I knew change was coming, and that in a years' time, I would jump the hell out of that rope and not feel a hint of bounce - and no x-rated peep show to boot.

So three weeks ago, when I found my opportunity to jump, I felt absolutely elated.  I wore my iron-clad sports bra that had proved itself on many a run post BR surgery, and I was ready.  I jumped.  I jumped in front of people.  I don't know how to express just how huge that is for me, but I am trying.  For years I have tried to shield myself from others, but on that day - I was in front of people.  I jumped and I jumped and I jumped.  Inside, my heart was absolutely singing.  I was trampling all sorts of personal demons as I jumped up and down, left and right.

And then I slipped and fell.

I went from the highest high to the lowest low in seconds.  My little shovel can't dig deep enough or fast enough into my personal pit of despair.

How fucking unfair!

HOW FUCKING UNFAIR!

Years and years of pain and physical set-backs that made exercise off-limits.  Three pregnancies, plantar fasciitis, bursitis in my hips, shoulder surgery, breast reduction... lots and lots of chiropractic visits and physical therapy....and now THIS??  NO!  I was poised for the most awesome and active summer ever, and now I have a torn ACL, torn MCL, sprains, bruising and swelling... the laundry list from the MRI is so ridiculous it is laughable.  I have many months ahead of me with my knee in a brace, surgery, therapy...blah fucking blah, blah, blah.  I hate to bitch but it's the Murphy's Law(ness) of it all.  It just plain sucks.

Yeah...I have not been in a good place these past few weeks.  I felt it best to detach myself and let the emotional freight train run its course.  I'm a mess, inside and out.  The only thing to do is get back in the saddle and start over.  Again.

So in trying to find something to smile about in all of this, I thought that my downshift into a snail's pace means that I will have time to smell the roses.  All of them.  Twice over.