Perhaps I should look to Owen for inspiration.
He is really good at sorting. He's my OCD child. He sorted out the entire contents of his Christmas stocking. He lined his socks up in a row, separated out the peppermints from the chocolates, and promptly packed away his new toothpaste and Sponge Bob body wash in his duffle bag. He was very concerned about making sure that all of his new things would make their way home from Oklahoma. He is also the boy that is adamant about fresh underwear morning and night. And sometimes even in between. He is methodical about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.
I am a Type-A borderline OCD, living a life that does not lend itself well to those tendencies.
1. I totally over-schedule myself.
2. I am mean to myself by constantly give myself negative feedback.
3. I am totally undisciplined when it comes to taking care of the household and the people who live there.
4. I have let chaos prevail for too long and the ruts down this bumpy road are very deep.
5. I have let perfectionism completely cripple my ability to get anything done.
I know I am the p**rfect candidate for Fly Lady, but I have yet to really make a go of using her system. Since I have been living in a constant state of pitting my natural tendencies toward a totally chaotic reality, it is no wonder that I have been fighting off an ever-worsening level of depression.
Why I haven't been able to turn this ship around, I do not know. Lots of thoughts have been swirling around in my head as I think about how to solve this, and it all comes back to sorting. Sorting out the priorities. Schooling and at least some semblance of order is the most important priority for me, but why am I allowing everything else in life to interfere with it? Most likely it is because it is not happening as I would envision it.
My ideal: A morning or afternoon spent investigating a subject, in a clean and organized environment. We would read a story, watch a short video, do a little experiment, write about it, and then craft something. All the while smiling and being pleasant. (Snort.)
My reality: I can't find my papers, they can't find their notebook/pencil/ruler/whiteboard. I sit down with token child and immediately the dog wants out, a poopy diaper has manifested itself, the phone rings, my husband texts me, an irate email has to be dealt with, I forgot a bill that has to be paid NOW, the karate gis need to be washed for the lesson that begins in 90 minutes, the toddler has located a sharp implement, is drawing on the walls or is clearing off every shelf of neatly folded clothes in the closet, and the XYZ needs fresh batteries. Oh - and let's not forget the 70+ decibel level of noise going on in the background of bickering kids, toys and electronic devices.
My knee-jerk reaction is to curl up and cover my ears. Which is pretty much what I have been doing for the past several months. Instead of dealing with it, or writing introspectively about it or hiring a nanny/tutor/housekeeper, I've been escaping into anything I can lay my hands on. Books, iPad games (Hay Day anyone? I'm averaging 3-4 hours a day...disgusting!) and reading about how other moms are able to get things done, and secretly hating them. It's not the life I want to live. It's not the environment I want to spend any length of time in. And I am sure that the rest of the family feels the same - we are just have a great deal of difficulty landing our finger on exactly where the problem lies - because there are issues wherever we look!
There is visual chaos - nobody puts anything away. There is crap on every single surface in this house.
There is verbal chaos - the chosen way to communicate is through yelling. (Not always in anger - it's just the only way to be heard when six voices are sounding off at once, from various locations in the house.
There is auditory chaos - music, tv and computer, (often all at the same time) is a constant. Along with endless kid squabbling. This one is especially hard for me - I crave silence.
There is scheduling chaos - too many kids, too many interests. And only one car.
There is schooling chaos. As great as I am in developing grand plans in my head, and purchasing the magic bullet curriculum, I am lousy, LOUSY I tell you!, at actually implementing, well...anything?
There is financial chaos - we are still operating on a cash-only basis (YES!), but we have come to the edge of our own little personal fiscal cliff many times in the past year because we aren't budgeting like we know we ought to or keeping tabs on our checking account. We've emptied the Emergency Fund three times - for no reason other than to buy stuff with money we shouldn't have been spending in the first place.
There is internal chaos. I am really good at bringing myself down. I constantly berate myself for being a lousy wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher, cook, housekeeper and friend. I don't get out much and I have difficulty maintaining friendships because I am lousy at it - who wants to stay friends with a boring, introverted frump? Yes, I am very, very mean to myself. (Now stop it!)
I have yet to do my New Year's retrospective post (let alone post pictures from my summer garden, the pumpkin patch, Santa visit or even get the damn Christmas cards out...), but I guess this is as good a place as any to state my intention for this year. I have no idea what I stated as my intention for last year, but I'm sure I missed the mark by a mile (see? I can't stop being mean to myself). My intention is to sort it out this year. Sort out the problems by exposing the deeper issue and dealing with it.
(Just as soon as I harvest my crops, milk the cows and fill up my boat order....)
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