Happy Pills

Hooray for drugs!  Why the hell did I wait so long??

My annual exam and mammogram was this past week.  Once again I complained to my OBGYN that I am having horrible mood swings associated with my period and trouble coping with all that I have on my plate.  Last year she mentioned an antidepressant and I opted for therapy instead.  Which lasted three sessions and then morphed into some serious keyboard time on the blog.  A year has come and gone, and while it is true that some things are better, the mood swings are as bad as ever and I am still not coping.  Not in the least.  So she mentioned going on Zoloft and I could not drive to the pharmacy fast enough. 

I am now on day four.  I am feeling pretty good.  Really damn good.  Like shit-just-rolls-off-my-back kind of good.  I've been on my own with the kids this weekend while Dean and Jordan are on a campout, and even that has gone well.  I usually have a teary episode (or two) where I feel overwhelmed, but not so this weekend.  I even smiled and joked with the kids - which doesn't happen often.  I just may have my smile back, people.  If you know me and my past, that is saying something.  A serious amount of something.

Another test came today by way of a comment I received out there in social-media ville. It made me instantly feel like I was a four year old child and someone was towering above me shaking their finger at me.  And it hurt my feelings.  It's a little thing.  But it hurt.  Normally I would stew about it for hours, even days.  I would feel embarrassed and not venture out into social media, period.   I would withdraw, and emotionally castigate myself and feel stupid and awkward and all of that.  And I would snarl at my kids and possibly my husband and then toss down a bowl of ice cream.

I am pleased to report I did none of that.  It rolled off my back and I let it go at the time.  I didn't stew, but I knew I would want to write about it here.  Writing helps.  The drugs mellow out the lows (no highs around here) and greatly diminish my anger response, so that when it does come time to respond/process, I can do so at a much calmer state.  Hallelujah!

As for the depression side of things, it has definitely helped with the feelings of overwhelmedness.  I am a recovering perfectionist.  I hate clutter and mess, and when it is just a little bit, I am obsessive-compulsive about keeping an area 'clean'.  But there seems to be this tipping point - and when the clutter reaches a critical mass, I can no longer cope.  I know it's there, I just choose to no longer see it.  And pray that no one comes over.  And slowly, area by area, the house just descends into complete chaos.  That's when you see me huddled in a corner, teeth chattering, mumbling to myself.  It's a family issue.  I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know how to begin to address it.  (I know... go shine my sink....blah, blah, blah)  The meds will keep me from retreating to the corner, and also help me to keep a more positive perspective as we work through this as a family. 

So a few words of encouragement for those of you out there teetering on the edge.  Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for help.  Don't be afraid of a stigma or a perceived weakness.

My name is Kirsten and I have chronic depression and anger-management issues.

I take the anti-depressant Zoloft.  And it is helping me find my way back to joy.