"The 'Stuff' in the Stuffing" Therapy Session 3: Filters and the Art of Listening

Filters

Do you have someone in your life where, no matter how you phrase it or explain it, they will always hear 'B', when you've said 'A'?  Perhaps you have a filter too?  A friend might be mentioning how she bought a new sundress because she lost a few pounds, but all you hear is, "You could have a new sundress too, if you would lose some weight!".   Your mom comes over to visit and says, "Wow, the kids have sure been having fun around here!", and all you hear is, "When are you going to clean this place up?".

Filters can be so frustrating because they totally skew the message you want to convey.  It is even more difficult when the conversation is not in person.  It is difficult to clarify your point, and you are not sure what filters you are up against.

I know I have a lot of filters...

1. Weight

2. The house is a mess

3. I am always late and forgetting something

4. I feel frumpy

5. I am a SAHM and do not earn a paycheck

That last one is especially painful.  My husband will occasionally make a remark about something to do with bringing home a paycheck - and is totally innocent in doing so - and all I will hear is that I don't contribute.  That is me feeding a negative message to myself - because of the non wage-earner status I have placed on myself.

Art of Listening

A few months ago the leadership disagreement led me to request a mediation meeting with the council.  Two women from the council sat down with us and allowed us to discuss one side and then the other - all within the respectful guidelines of a productive meeting.  Sounds good in theory, but I came away from that meeting thinking, "Why do I feel like nobody is really listening?".   All these months later, I still feel that way.  So what makes for good listening?

I don't equate good listening with getting my way.  This isn't about winning/losing an argument.  The act of letting each side be heard is only the beginning.  Being allowed to present evidence, clarify feelings, and motives should promote better understanding between the two sides.  Unless, in fact, there are insurmountable filters involved.  It helps to have your point repeated back to you, and vice versa - and above all - EMPATHY.  An empathetic listener can sooth ruffled feathers like nobody's business.

I use the technique all of the time with my kids.  "I know you want your brother's train - it's a lot of fun, isn't it?  But your brother is using it - how about the green train instead?"  I owe my thanks to Dr. Laura Markham over at Aha! Parenting for teaching me this skill.  I wish I could remember that it would work just as well on an adult.  Adults are faced with harsh disagreements all the time, and would probably LOVE to feel like someone actually listened to their problems and empathized with them once in awhile.  What a different place this world would be!