A reflection on Calvert

I'm free!!!

The past few weeks have been pretty hairy.  It was an absolute fight to the finish to get Calvert wrapped up for the year.  I have been keeping mum about Calvert because...well... it's complicated.  It is a sorta-like/hate relationship.  It is everything I despise about one-size-fits-all education, yet it's everything I like about keeping myself accountable and on track.  Which I did a HORRIBLE job at this year.  I can't drag three children, kicking and screaming all the way, on this road to intellectual enlightenment (ha!) if they continuously misplace their books, can never find their pencils, and not get the big picture of what this is all for in the first place.

What we did accomplish this year:

Jordan learned to take notes.  I learned that it is a good idea for me to teach the skill of note-taking.  He learned that turning in late assignments affects your grade.  I learned that I hate having to scan in assignments at 11:59 pm to make the midnight deadline.  He learned that writing isn't so bad.  In fact, Jordan realized that he loved writing.  I learned that Jordan had actually been listening to me for the past eight years every time we approached writing, composition, grammar and so forth - because his 'voice' in his writing is fantastic and he really knows how to construct a good sentence.  Sentence diagramming is difficult and makes us both tear our hair out.  (The geek in me though secretly loves it). NaNoWriMo, assigned by his Calvert teacher, was especially helpful in drawing out his writing voice.  Writing a short story was something I would never in a million years have asked him to do, and yet it was because of Calvert that we both made this discovery!   He learned algebra.  I learned that I still remember algebra. (happy dance)  Jordan learned how to type faster.  falls out of chair laughing.  He went from 25 wpm to an astounding 29 wpm! Jordan earned his 8th grade diploma, and will be moving on to public high school next year.

Rylan learned that dropping your pencil on the floor 518,397 times a day does not get you out of your schoolwork.  She learned how to spell 'people' and 'because'.  Rylan learned multiplication, just don't ask her to do it at anytime other than when she is in the mood.  Which is never.  Rylan learned to contort her body into 37 different pretzel shapes while sitting in her chair, all of which face away from the desk, and coincidentally, away from her schoolwork.  Rylan read two novels this year - and has quite the reading pile for the summer.  She also took an avid interest in ASL, after reading a short story in her reading anthology about a deaf boy going to a concert.  I may need to pursue this for her.  Rylan loved her online teacher and her classmates, so she wants to do this all over again next year.  The social bits, of course.  NOT the schoolwork.  

Owen learned to read.  This accomplishment alone is what kept me going through the darkest of schooling hours this year.  Several times in the past couple of weeks, he has read signs around town, carefully sounding things out.  This makes my heart sing.  He loves his online teacher, his class, and anything to do with math.  He has learned to like holding a pencil, and writing with it.  (just a little).  He loves to draw and paint.  He is more than willing to sit down and do schoolwork, as long as it doesn't interfere with his Minecraft or lego building time.  Which is never.  Which is why I can't ever get him to work with me for longer than 2 minutes without a fight.

This year has been full of tears, lots of yelling on everyone's parts, lots of high-fives, cajoling, swearing (under my breath), deal-making, begging, pleading, a-ha moments... unfortunately the bad is far out-weighing the good.  It's partly the program and partly me.  I've been lax, lazy, disinterested, and fighting my own battles.  The spillover has not been pretty.  Some serious soul-searching needs to take place this summer about what the next step will be.

All I know is that this is not how I envisioned how our homeschool experience would go.  Eight years into this journey, my (our) primary purpose has always been and always will be to put childhood first.  Play (and not the screen type) has as much - if not more importance in shaping a child's mind, than worksheets, descriptive paragraphs and addition problems.  I don't like the complicated, regimented, competitive and petty environment of public schools - in the younger grades, especially.  At the high school level, these social stepladders do have *some* merit, I suppose, when it comes to beginning to discover who you are and what you are made of.  I also know that these lessons don't only happen within the confines of a classroom.

The work Calvert requires of the kids is not inspiring, with the exception of Jordan's reading curriculum.  Hands down, that was fabulous stuff that has helped us cover so much literary knowledge this year.  Otherwise, the caliber of the rest of the curriculum is... meh.  I am pretty disappointed, actually.  It was actually painful to shelve all of our tried-and-true stuff last year when it came time to unbox the Calvert books after they arrived.  Throughout the entire school year I constantly found myself referring back to our other curriculum for this and that, because it was just so much better.  I am confident in Jordan's abilities because of what we used in the past.  Jordan has been the model student all these years, as we have traveled this homeschooling route.  He's done the work when asked and without question, and performs very well when the time comes to assess his knowledge and skills.  The younger three kids have so many issues I don't even know where to begin.  In reflecting on their behavior this past year, a lot of it comes down to a sense of entitlement that they have.  They feel that they are entitled to their free time, so schoolwork has become a secondary, painful experience for them - and having very boring, worksheet-style learning as the primary source of instruction is NOT helping that situation.

So I have a lot of thinking to do.  I'm doing some major decompressing at the moment, which is good for me.  Our calendar is completely blank, with the exception of a weekly violin lessons and the occasional field trip.  I'm not even having the kids do swim lessons.  I can tell I am feeling more than a little shell-shocked from the stress of this school year.  This is a huge sign for me that maaaaaybe Calvert isn't the best fit for us.

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

To read more entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

A Boy Turns 5...

I never did post about your birthday last year..  I was so excited for that birthday because you were turning four.  Four is my most absolute favorite age.  Fours are curious, increasingly independent, creative, caring and their verbal skills grow by leaps and bounds.  And you did all of those things! and more....  Last year nearly killed me - about a thousand times over.  It nearly killed you, as well.  If anything, it is amazing that you were lucky enough to reach five.  ;)  Your never-ending, almost suicidal curiosity put my graying-hair into overdrive.  Your never-ending potty-training, mess-making, getting-into-things-you-shouldn't put me back on anti-depressants.  That's okay.  We'll get there buddy.  Let's be glad that you don't go to preschool, where the potty training would present a serious problem.  Your difficulty in this department gives me a clue as to just how BUSY your mind is.

Five will be a year of huge growth for you.  You are building with Legos like a champ.  You love to draw, you love to count and you repeat the things Owen is working on with his schoolwork.  I think that once you and I are ready to start formal school work later this year, you will do really well.

I love your love of life.  You are the epitome of 'gusto'.  You rode your first roller coasters a few weeks ago (Space Mountain was your favorite) when we visited Lego Land and Disneyland, and you LOVED it.  You loved the ocean, but oddly enough, only your toes got wet - as that was enough for you.  You watched the Star Wars trilogy (eps. 4,5 and 6) for the first time during the trip to CA and back, and you were hooked.  Star Wars-themed play has been a daily event ever since.  In a few weeks you will go skiing for the first time.  I will stay home with Owen, but I will worry about you every second.  I know you are breakable - you broke your leg last year.  As long as I live I will always think of you as vulnerable...fragile.  You are a big, strong boy with a big heart, but I can't shake that urge to be overprotective.  You insist on climbing tall trees, jumping down from high places, swimming in deep water, and constantly elude my radar and ride in the car without fastening your carseat belts.  Mayhem is your middle name.

This year will be another wild ride, I'm sure...

update: I've now posted a post-dated blog post about Colin's 4th.  I was riddled with guilt over that draft that has been sitting in my blog queue for a year now.

Driving Home

We drove home over yesterday and today.  Colin, Rylan and I aren't feeling too swift and I think we are all a little worn out from the fun.  The drive was uneventful and full of beautiful scenery - after we reached Utah.  I can't say much that is nice about the scenery in California.  The mountains are scrubby and plain, and the high desert is sort of plain as well.  The Joshua trees are pretty, though.  We spent the night in Cedar City again, and then made the drive over the mountains to get home.  Colorado has had a rough few days of bone-chilling cold, so I am glad we were in California for the duration!

Dean and I finished all of Serial, and then combed the internet looking for any updates.  The open ending was frustrating, but I was already prepared for that since it was splashed all over social media.  I think Jay had a hand in it, and that Adnan had more to do with it than he is saying.  It will be interesting to see what the Innocence Project turns up.

We're glad to be home, but so glad that we had the opportunity to finally vacation with our family!

Disneyland

Today was the day I had been looking forward to for the past several months.  I have been anticipating taking the little kids to Disneyland for a long, long time.  We took Jordan when he was 6 years old and Rylan was a mere 11 weeks old, so it has been a long time!  It took nearly an hour and a half before we even entered the park.  The parking was ridiculous, the lines were ridiculous and the crowds were unbelievable.  The grand spending total for a day at Disney including parking, 6 tickets, two meals, four hats and one toy each was around $1200.  Ouch.  Thank you to grandma Judy for the Christmas money for the tickets, and thank you to the aunties and Aunt Karen and Uncle Steve for the gift money for the toys.  The kids had a blast picking out their stuff!

It was a little difficult negotiating which rides to ride and so forth with such a diverse age group in our family, but with the smart move by getting fast passes, and some trickery to get Owen onto rides, we made it work.  Poor Owen.  He gets easily rattled by watching rides.  It was to our advantage that a lot of the rides were sort of hidden from view, so we could easily fool him into thinking it wasn't so bad.  His imagination gets the best of him.  Here he is on the platform on the Matterhorn after he rode it.  He loved it, of course, but for the entire hour we were waiting in line, we kept telling him that people were screaming because they were afraid of getting wet, not because the ride was scary.  The only scary part of the ride was the Yeti.

We waited an hour to get on It's a Small World, and it was worth it, since it was decorated differently for the holidays.  Here is a group shot of almost everyone on our boat as we head into the ride.  Dean and my brother were in search of the last round of fast passes for the day.

Another round of trickery was involved to get Owen onto Splash Mountain.  He was fooled until the very end, when we went up, up, up before we went down, down, down.  He was seated right in front of me, and as we made the climb up, I could here him say, "I have a bad feeling about this!!".  It was all good in the end.  Here is screen shot of the other boat of family: Drew, Rylan, Jordan, Connor, my brother Kirk and SIL Michelle.  I love Rylan's expression...lol.

We wandered over to Tomorrowland and gave Space Mountain a try.  Go figure, the scariest way to ride a roller coaster - in complete darkness - thrilled Owen to pieces!  He said over and over, "It's like we're in space!!!!"  I'm so glad they all rode it and loved it.  We ended the night with a few more rides and then a parting picture in front of the castle.  The kids lasted all day with minimal meltdowns, which was amazing.  So glad we all had the chance to spend the day together and share in the fun!

New Year's Day and Huntington Beach. (Again!)

It's later on New Year's Day and we drove back from Pasadena to the hotel.  We split off from the rest of the family and decided that we needed some more time at the beach.  We first stopped at a great seafood restaurant and then went back to the same beach we were at yesterday.  The kids brought their suits this time, and braved the chilly surf.  Jordan held Rylan in the bigger waves and she loved it.

The rest of the family eventually joined us and we watched the sun set on a wonderful New Year's Day.  I think every first day of the year should be spent at the beach - it is a great way to begin!!

Tournament of Roses Parade

Good Morning and Happy New Year from Pasadena, California!  We went to bed early last night - celebrating NYE at 9 pm, in anticipation of getting up at 4 am this morning.  We made the drive to Pasadena, snagged some Starbucks and made our way to our special parking area that was right behind our grandstands.  It is a warm and sunny morning and there is excitement in the air in anticipation of the parade.  The streets are full of people and dozens of dirty tortillas.  I'm not sure what that is about, but it looks like they had quite the party last night.

 
The parade began with a group that danced and sang, and then these guys were doing flips on moving trampolines.  It was neat to see it later on TV and see how they began the parade by emerging from the crowd.

This was my favorite float - how beautiful!!

It's the cast from Loveboat!!

Here is my nephew's band - Legacy Lightning Marching Band from Broomfield, CO.  They looked and sounded great!

It was a fun parade, and the floats were amazing.  There was an opportunity for us to get tickets to see the floats up close, but we opted not to.  I think the kids were a little fried by the end of the parade.  Anyway, it was a great family experience. :)