Seasons

Evidently this is not my season for writing.  A great many thoughts swirl through my head, but most are best left unsaid...  I am not tired of winter.  I love watching the snow fall outside the window.  I love the feeling of wearing multiple layers, topped off with a soft knit hat.  I love the heavy, secure thud of snow boots as I trod through the deep snow.  I do love winter.  But I struggle with SAD, so winter does not exactly love me back.  I'm back on my antidepressant.  I went off of it in October when I had my surgery, and I felt really great until about mid-December.  It's been a little rocky ever since.  A couple of posts were written, one I even posted, and then regretted about an hour later.  See?  Never write when you are emotional.  Well, yes - write for goodness sake, because that is good therapy, but just don't post it for all the world to see.  Yes, this is most definitely not my season for writing.  I'm having the greatest difficulty getting the right words onto the page, lately.

I prefer to read what will uplift me, inspire me or intrigue me.  I am sure that applies to most of us.  I haven't felt any of those things lately, so I figured it was best not to write.  I do have a few updates that I suppose would fit into the 'uplift' category, so I'll share.

* Colin is potty-trained!  We celebrated those wonderful days that stretch between Christmas and New Years - the days where you don't really need to even leave the house - with towels, wipes and Lysol at the ready as Colin prowled the house naked.  Within the day he left the training potty behind and made friends with the big potty.  He was by far the easiest child to train.  No qualms about pooping, he can hold it for a surprising amount of time and he is totally tuned into his bodily cues about when he needs to go.  We aren't ditching the diapers completely yet, we still have a ways to go before he is dry through the night.  Besides, Dean bought an entire case of diapers just days before we decided to do this, lol...  I have to say that after changing diapers every. single. day. for the past seven years and 7 months, I don't miss it a bit.

* Rylan is regularly reading to herself now.  The Mr. Putter and Tabby books are a current favorite.  It warms my heart to hear her reading out loud as I wrangle the boys through the bedtime routine.  When they are finally in bed, I enjoy my favorite time of day - reading the Little House series with Rylan.  We are currently working our way through Farmer Boy.

* I recently attended a reception at the elementary school I taught at just before I made the "transition" to homeschooling SAHM.  For those who don't know, it wasn't a transition.  I taught there for three years and always did well on my teacher evaluations, but I got into trouble in my third year when I was accused of talking to a child (which is akin to "cheating") during a high-stakes test. (I was simply encouraging the child to pick up his pencil, think about the way we had practiced in class and finish the stupid thing) The principle notified me a couple months later that he was not going to renew my contract (fired).  It was a huge blow to me.  My teaching career was essentially over.  No other school in the district would hire me because I was a third year teacher - to do so meant that I would receive tenure as well.  I also was without recommendation from my principal, because he was hell bent on hanging me from the highest tree since I had brought 'shame' to his school by having a test invalidated.  The biggest blow, however, was that my closest colleagues basically threw me under the bus and distanced themselves from me.  These fellow teachers had shocked me, with how they had behaved in regards to testing.  I'm talking about telling a student to erase their answers and do it over.  Making photocopies of previous test booklets and using them to teach from.  My integrity had been called into question, yet these "cheaters" got away with what they did because they didn't get caught.  I have struggled all these years not to walk into my ex-principals office and rat them out.  To just stand before his desk and have my say... in a rather loud and tearful manner.  I am proud to say I never did.  These fellow teachers will never know how close I came to ending their careers  - simply because I could never treat someone like the way they treated me during those final weeks of the school year.

This reception to was mark the 50th anniversary of the school.  My mom taught at this school for over 20 years, so I have a lot of history with this school, in addition to just teaching there.  I have not been back since my last teaching day seven years ago.  The evil principal left at the end of last year to take a position overseas.  I would have never had set foot in that school otherwise.  I had to steel myself before I walked in.  I would be nice.  I would hold my head high.  I did nothing 'wrong', so why should I feel guilty??  There were a surprising amount of my former colleagues that asked where I was teaching 'now'.  They obviously didn't know the details.  Those who did were polite and genuinely happy and surprised to see me.  The guilty ones avoided me.  I'm glad that I went, I wish that I could just lay this demon the rest and be done with it...but it still stings, as you can undoubtedly tell.  Nobody likes being branded a cheater when it just simply isn't true.  I think it has bored it's way into my psyche and I just have to work all the more harder to feel confident about my teaching skills and good about myself in general. 

One last thing about the reception... I did get to visit, briefly, with the teacher that I student taught under as I was working on my degree.  She is a first-class teacher.  Mrs. C's methodology is like no other - she has high expectations of her students, she is thorough, she is prepared and takes the utmost care to maximize the time spent in the classroom.  I learned so much from her, all those years ago.  I was on my way out when I ran into her, and she gave me a big hug.  She asked about the kids, and we talked 'shop'.  I mentioned my misgivings about homeschooling Owen and Colin, given their oppositional character of late, and she launched into a lengthy explanation about teaching to a child's strengths, and isn't that the beauty of homeschooling?  You already know your children so well.. and in the end - homeschooling isn't for everyone, and they may benefit from being in the classroom.  I felt like I was instantly pulled back in time and we were once again in her classroom, having those long conversations after the school day.  I was glad it ended on that note.  I am a teacher.  I always will be.  I may not earn a paycheck anymore, but my rewards are different.  Rylan can read, sew, and cook, Jordan can work algebraic equations, Owen can paint and Colin is learning his letters because I taught them how.  I hope that I can teach them how to have confidence too.  That deriving one's self-worth from the opinion of others is not the way to go...

And I will leave it here.. busy days are ahead of us.  Colin is turning FOUR tomorrow.  I just can't believe how fast time is going by.  I need to take a crash-course in badminton because that is the topic in tomorrow's homeschool PE class, and it is my turn to lead.  We have our girl scout cookie booth this coming weekend and I need to prepare for that.  And the Olympics are starting in a couple of days, huh?  I guess I need to work in some school stuff about that too.  Right now it is snowing out, it is time to start lessons and then have a nice lunch of hot tomato soup and grilled cheese sandwiches.  I do love winter.  :)

2013 In Review

Here is a link to the awesome list of questions that inspired this post.

1.      What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?

* Knitting.  I've knitted three scarves in the past, but this time around I am knitting a hat.  So far I have learned how to purl, knit in the round and cable.  The hat isn't completed yet, but I am getting close.
* I danced on stage with my husband in the Nutcracker.  We were part of the party scene.  I have never danced in a performance before, other than in dance recitals when I was a kid.  It was the highlight of my year.  :)
*Visited my dad's childhood home.  My dad's first few years were spent in Crawford, Nebraska.  We had a family weekend over Labor Day where we all gathered at Fort Robinson, NE, which is just a couple miles away from Crawford.
*Saw the peloton of pro bicyclists go by as they raced into our city in the second-to-last stage of the USA Pro Challenge this past August.  That was very cool!

 

2.      Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I never did officially write anything down, but here is what I was thinking as the new year (2013)rolled in...
* I needed to take care of my shoulder.  The pain was increasing and affecting my daily life in every way.  I began physical therapy in early March, and progressed through the hoops of nerve study, MRI, surgery in May, and then more physical therapy.  By August I was officially pain free.
* I wanted a breast reduction.  It was something that I have wanted to do for years.  This year I got serious.  It was part of the reason why I was having issues with my shoulder, anyway.  I'd done years of chiropractic, massage, physical therapy, pain meds...  Nothing was going to ease the discomfort of carrying those things around but to surgically reduce their size.  I fought the insurance company for three months before I finally got it approved.  Surgery was in October, and I have to say this is the single-most BEST thing I have ever done for myself.  I am still very emotional about it - I am so incredibly happy with the results and the way I physically feel, now.
* Lose some weight.  This went hand-in-hand with the other two.  I will continue to have issues with joint and back pain until I get the weight off.  I lost 20 pounds between July and October.  Despite curtailing my exercise while I recovered from the breast reduction and all the culinary goodies that come with the holidays, I have maintained that loss so far.  Very proud of that.  :)

For next year...
* lose another 20 lbs
* save up enough $$ to take a family vacation next New Years to see my nephew march in the Rose Parade and go to Disneyland.
* spend more time with my extended family
* grow more than just weeds and basil in my garden
* actually DO those annual 694 hours of instruction time per child that I promise the state I will do.
* read 10 books.  I have no problem with reading or even the desire to read.  It's more about taking the time to actually do so.

3.      Did anyone close to you give birth?
My niece by marriage gave birth to a baby girl, EmmaRae, on July 31st.  I got to see and hold her for the first time during our Thanksgiving visit.  Such a sweet, beautiful baby girl.  How I miss holding babies and smelling their scent and listening to their sounds.  Sad sigh.

4.      Did anyone close to you die?
My uncle Buzz passed away in early December, shortly before 2013 began.  It has been a long year of 'firsts' where we did things as a family that were marked by his absence.  I visited his grave for the first time yesterday, as Rylan and I were driving to Boulder on an errand.  It was a spur of the moment decision.  We had not been invited to the burial, but my mom had shared with me whereabouts in the small cemetery his grave was located, so with just a few minutes' searching we found it.  There were three different Christmas arrangements there, by his headstone.  He is missed a great deal.
In February my great-aunt Bernice passed away.  She had been suffering for several years with Alzheimer's.  She was a grand lady that loved to collect antiques.  I remember going to her house, just down the street from my grandma's, to have tea, and then take a tour of her latest finds.  She walked everywhere and was busy, busy, busy.  She reminded me so much of my grandpa Orin (her older brother).  She had a sharp mind and wit.. it was so sad when the signs of Alzheimer's began to take hold.

5.      What countries did you visit?
Maybe I should change this to say 'counties' so that I can actually write something here.

6.      What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
A more peaceful household.  Some days the chaos of the kids is just overwhelming.

7.      What dates from 2013 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
May 22nd: shoulder surgery
Oct 10th: breast reduction surgery
Dec 31st: running the Resolution Run 5K - a goal of mine since July

8.      What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Losing the weight and regaining control of my health.  Wow.  Hard to put in to words how big this was.

9.      What was your biggest failure?
Getting control of the finances, record-keeping, bill paying... I have a continual pile of receipts that just will. never. end.
 

10.   Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got the flu in March, which really sucked, but otherwise it was a very fortunate year.

11.   What was the best thing you bought?
Hmmm. My Fitbit!  That little device was a catalyst for a lot of beneficial changes.

But honorable mention goes to the Keurig.  :)

12.   What was the best thing you received?
A beautiful red mug with white and gold snowflakes from my husband.  A total just-because surprise and very touching.  :)
 

13.   Where did most of your money go?
Projects around the house.  We replaced the old mish-mash of laminate and carpeting on the main floor with some beautiful Pergo flooring, along with new tile around the fireplace and paint for the walls.  The rest of it went towards running gear, tools and curriculum.

14.   What did you get really excited about?
My surgery.  It changed everything.

15.   What song will always remind you of 2013?
Blurred Lines.  I know, I know.  Quit yer bitching.  I loved that song.  It began my walking playlist for months.  I think too much has been read into the lyrics.  It has a great beat!  Nuff' said.

16.   Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? B) thinner or fatter? C) richer or poorer?
a) happier - much happier!     b) thinner - yay!    c) I wouldn't say 'richer' per se, but we have improved the quality of some things in our life.

17.    What do you wish you’d done more of?
Schoolwork.  Travel.  Camping.  Nature Study.

18.   What do you wish you’d done less of?
Fretting about things I had no control over.

19   How did you spend Christmas?
We stayed at home this year.  We visited Santa a couple days before, shopped for gifts at the last minute...  We went to services on Christmas Eve with my dad and brother and nephews, and then they all came over after for a spaghetti dinner.  My nephews were sweet in saying that they loved the food and just hanging out with all of us together.  After they left we bundled up and headed out to look at Christmas lights.  We had a nice Christmas morning opening gifts, ate chocolate waffles for breakfast, and a turkey dinner at my mom's that afternoon.  We did puzzles, movies, popcorn, hot cocoa and left overs for the remainder of the day.

20.   What was your favorite TV program?
The Middle and The Biggest Loser.

21.   What were your favorite books of the year?
Hyperbole and a Half: unfortunate situations, flawed coping mechanisms, mayhem, and other things that happened, by Allie Brosh. 

Absolutely hilarious and way too close to home, all at the same time.

22.   What was your favorite music from this year?
Everything on my walking/running playlist

23.   What were your favorite films of the year?
Hunger Games: Catching Fire and Frozen.

24.   What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 42.  We spent the day hiking and then a nice dinner at my mom's.

25.   What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
It has been such an amazing year of transformation, I really can't think of what to say here.  Maybe if there was less arguing amongst the kids. 

26.   What political issue stirred you the most?
I am deeply concerned about what Common Core is doing to our nation's teachers and children, and what the Koch Brothers are up to.  The implications are scary, and the thought of politicians and businessmen driving our nation's education policy and instruction just completely pisses me off.

27.   What kept you sane?
Exercise.

28.   Who did you meet this year?
I met... some new doctors and nurses -all great at what they do!
 

29.   Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.

Your mental and physical health is the only thing that you have direct control over.  Do it.  Today.

30.  Best song lyric for the year?

"I went from zero, to my own hero"
-"Roar" by Katy Perry
 

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

 

Outside my window... A new window location to look out of today! Even though it faces the street, the front window is my favorite spot. It has the best sunlight and view. It is sunny, and the streets and sidewalks are mostly clear of the snow from last week. There is still about 2-3 inches of crusty snow on the grass.

I am thinking... It's been a tough week emotionally. A person in my life let me down in a big way, and then turned around and made an even bigger demand on me and my time. I am already so busy, and this situation just...sucks. I am such a doormat. I love it when I can help others, but I think certain types of people sense that, and they just capitalize on that. I've really got to learn how to say "no" and put my time and my family first.

I am thankful... That we have a warm home, loving grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and that getting together for family fun is such a natural and easy thing for us. It really takes the stress out of the holidays in these parts.

From the Learning Rooms... pathetically little. We even missed out on the Hour of Code this past week because I am so lame and so busy. We will definitely get to it this week.

In the kitchen... I did manage to make two different batches of Christmas cookies this past week. I love to bake. I love friends that bake even more. Amanda - your cookies are evil. In a super delicious way. I'm not sure if I should thank you. But I will. And then I will reluctantly run another lap around the block to make up for liking your cookies so much.

I am wearing... pjs on a Sunday morning cannot be beat!

I am creating... shhhhh... I am attempting to make individual teepee hideouts for the little kids. Dean is cutting the pvc poles, and I am making the covering out of tanned buffalo hides. Okay, okay... bedsheets and fabric yardage that used to cover the walls in my classroom. Glad to finally use all of those yards of fabric for something!! Many thanks to friend Dennise for the inspiration. And the hundreds of pins out there devoted to said subject. With any luck, we'll have a teepee village surrounding the Christmas Tree on Christmas morning - complete with wild Indians, I'm sure.

Link to pic and how-to..

I am going... To Bed Bath & Beyond today to start the long and expensive journey of getting new window coverings for just about every window in the house. So long and so expensive, that they will have to be done one at a time. So we get to enjoy another long year of the house looking unfinished and unkempt. Today's window is the front office room that I am currently in. It is the most visible of the windows, and I would really like some privacy. A fabric shade was here before, but kitty shredded it to pieces because the bird feeder was positioned on the other side of the window. Despite repeated attempts to stalk and pounce on unsuspecting birds, she never got a clue that it just wasn't going to work out for her. Too many concussions from hitting the window, I suppose.

I am wondering... I've asked this before, and it is on my mind ever-so-much this week. If there was one responsibility in your life that you could let go of, what would it be? What would you just love to walk away from?

 

I am reading... Nothing much of consequence...there is just too much to do in a day. :(


I am hoping... For lots of sunshine this week. I need to run!

 

I am looking forward to... We are getting our girl scout troop together this week for an ornament co-op. I love this event!

 

I am learning... I think I am going to be learning about code, as I work through it with Rylan. Jordan can handle it on his own.

 

I am hearing... Felix Da Housecat, Radio.

Around the house... Painting. Lots and lots of painting. Dean finished the floors last weekend, and we could FINALLY put away the drills, saws, hammers, scraps of wood and so forth that have decorated our counters for the past eight months or so. That is a long, long time to live with dust and debris.  Now we can have paint cans, rollers in ziplock bags, brushes and paint trays instead. Much better. ;)

 

I am pondering... Hmm. Paint color I guess. I am really happy with the deep wall color I chose - called Pecan Sandie by Behr. It reminds me of creamy coffee. I am not happy with the medium hue I chose - off of the same pain chip. It has a definite lilac tinge to it that I do not like. I am debating just doing the whole lower level in Pecan Sandie. I really liked having dimension on some of the walls though, and having focal walls be the deep color. Hmmm. Decisions, decisions. Thank goodness it's not life or death around here.

One of my favorite things... Is an OCD fix! Here is a good one! Off to buy some filing folders!

 

A few plans for the rest of the week... the normal activity schedule, bake some cookies for a bake sale fundraiser for a very sick scout in Jordan's troop [cancer... :( ], ornaments with the girl scouts, homeschool gym class, and a doctor appointment. A very low-key week indeed - just what I needed. :) I guess I should add decorate the tree, set up my Santa collection, and painting. Lots of painting.

 

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

My kids and my nephews (the three older boys) decorated gingerbread houses last night.  Drew (on the far left), and Colin (on the far right), may be cousins, but they are totally copycat versions of each other.  They even fake 'smile' the same.  Drew calls Colin his 'mini-me'.  SO true.  so true...

 

 

To read more entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

 

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Thanksgiving, by the numbers...

1 - The number of times we ate at Ted's Cafe. We love this place. I entered 1000 cal. on MyFitnessPal and called it good. They serve a warm creamy queso dip, fresh, thick tortillas, chips & salsa to your table within a couple minutes of you sitting down. That queso dip is calling my naaame...

2 - The number of times I called my friend Shawn for emergency knitting help. I have now conquered the purl stitch and knitting in the round. I may finish my hat before the next century.

3 - The number of stores we shopped at on Black Friday. I usually have a rule that this day is a NOshopping day. but... when you run out of diapers, even a moral stance has to give way. So, in the late, late afternoon in the hopes of avoiding crowds, we dropped by Target to pick up some diapers, we went to Bed, Bath & Beyond to get my MIL a nice trashcan for the kitchen because paper bags on the floor were not cutting it, and I got these babies (see below) because it was so beyond time to replace them, and there was a New Balance store not far away, AND, well, it was Black Friday, no? I got them for 10% off!

3.5 - The number of hours we spent at Jasmine Moran Children's Museum. This was our second visit, and we really love this place. There was lots of new stuff to see and do. My favorite was the air tubes that you could watch large pompoms or scarves travel through.. Here are a few pics of the kids...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 - The number of times we visited Braum's for ice cream and food. If you don't live in the KS/OK/TX region you may not know what this place is, but their ice cream is* magical*. This was definitely the week to not think about calories. I need to stop writing about food.

5 - The number of items we carried into the hotel the night we left. (We split the drive over two days on the way out, because we couldn't leave until early evening). Dean was quick to remind me of this fact several times over the span of our visit - and related this fact to anybody who was willing to listen. There is some history behind this, because this has been a HUGE point of contention between us since the get-go. I was always of the frame of mind that each child had their own packed duffle bag of clothes/toiletries/books and so forth. Every time we stayed at a hotel, in went everybody's individual bag. That meant 4 duffle bags, 2 suitcases, 3-4 bags of electronics and paperwork that couldn't be left in the car, the little cooler and food bin (especially if it was a summer road trip), baby stuff (at various times over the course of the years), individual blankets and pillows for the kids and so forth. We usually filled an entire luggage cart from top to bottom. Dean was in the frame of mind that we should pack one 'hotel' bag. Into this bag would go an outfit for each person for the next day, and any diapers/toiletries we would need. I always said 'no', because invariably somebody would mess up their clothes at breakfast, we would run short on diapers, or forget something. This year I relented. I finally felt that the kids were old enough that we didn't need to factor in 'what-if'. So, when we rolled into Hays, KS at 12:35 a.m., we carried in one duffle bag, 2 electronics backpacks (don't want to leave it in the car overnight), 1 paperwork bag and my purse. Dean has won the argument, hands down. Now I just have to live with his gloating for the rest of my life.

6 - The number of Christmas placemats my SIL Joyce made for our family. LOVE THEM!

6 - The average number of hours it takes to drive through Kansas via I-70 - I-35. I like Kansas for the simple reason that it is good for prolonged conversations, listening to podcasts of Wait, Wait and This American Life, and knitting. Well - attempts at knitting.

6.5 - The number of miles I ran! :) Two runs - the first was mind-blowingly awesome. The second one hurt a little bit in the feet, and I felt a bit sore and stiff everywhere else. (I ran Monday and Wednesday). My shoes are sooo old, and the lining of the heel cup in one has completely rubbed away and I've patched it with duct tape more times than I can count since July, and I need to tape my heel so that I don't get a blister, and I forgot to pack tape, and there you go. Time for new shoes. (See #3)

8 - The number of snack bags I made for the car trip. We haven't been on a road trip since last Christmas, so since the littles are a year older, things get easier. The morning of the day we left, I made the snack bags - two per kid, one for the way there, one for the way back. Each bag had some vanilla wafers, pretzels, cheese crackers, wheat thins, starbursts, M&M's, Mike n' Ike's, Jolly Ranchers and fruit snacks. It worked like a charm - no repeatedly asking for food, and they were told, once it's gone, it's gone. Every bad had some left. Many, many thanks to my friend Amanda, for the idea. :) oh - and only one bag got dumped out - in the garage, at home, as we were unpacking.

$27.50 - The price of two adult movie tickets to see Catching Fire. Absolutely worth it. The movie was just as I imagined things in my head - especially the arena. On a side note, I had to bunch up some torn napkin and put it in my ears because the volume level was deafening. From the moment the first preview began, I was covering my ears. It is just me? Am I getting too old and sensitive? Jeez! TURN IT DOWN! Other than that, the movie was great.

30 - the number of family members that ate a large meal together on Thanksgiving. It was a very good day - nothing felt rushed, the food turned out perfectly (every family brought something) and my children did not act like buffoons or break anything, so that is always a plus. I made a spicy cranberry sauce appetizer (you eat it with cream cheese and crackers), a hot spinach and artichoke dip on toasted baguettes appetizer, 6 dozen rolls, hot cider, and helped with a few other things here and there. I came armed with my recipes and trusty bread machine.

91 - The number of tickets we earned by playing skeeball, plastic 10-pin bowling and rifle shooting when we took the kids to GattiTown for pizza and fun. The kids took their first-ever ride on Go Karts (the entire place is indoors). Rylan got to drive herself, I rode with Colin, and Owen rode with Dean. The kids spent their tickets on a plastic ball for Owen, a paper fan for Rylan, and a plastic kazoo for Colin. Nothing lasted longer than a couple of hours - except for the heartburn.

 

 

 

 

 

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The day when the child became the adult

 

 

We all work hard at this parenting gig, every single day.  Some days you get it right, and some days you don't.  We should all lift each other up, right?  But, then...what about when it gets personal?  Like when you share parenting duties between biological parents and step parents?  You pour as much of your brand of love and wisdom into a child, only to send them on to the other parent(s) who *just* doesn't quite see the world the same way.  I don't suffer in silence very well.  When there is a wrong, I've got to talk about it, and search my feelings for how to resolve it.

 

Jordan just had a very difficult weekend dealing with his mom (over the phone) about upcoming plans for Thanksgiving.  This is a routine that I have seen take place since the moment Jordan and his dad came into my life.  The couple of weeks leading up to visitation with his mother is always fraught with tension.  In Jordan's younger years, it was hyperactivity.  Promises made over the phone of the junk food and good times to come made those days practically unbearable.  His mind was already there, on vacation.  These days, it is quite different.  Instead of chomping at the bit to get there, Jordan is filled with anxiety, and dare I say...dread?  I will dare to say that.  I live with him.  I talk with him.  I see his moods change.  I hear him make plans about how he will spend his time there - and they are always accompanied by the remark - "So I don't go crazy with boredom because there is nothing else to do".  There is still junk food, but that lure worked on a small child.  There are still good times, but that lure pretty much revolves around getting to watch things on TV that he doesn't get to here, and he sees through that now.  And that is about it.  There is nothing else to look forward to on this upcoming visitation.  For a child with ADHD, the need for mental stimulation is crucial.  It has been a constant worry in the back of my mind that if he does not receive it, he will go looking for it.

Back to the difficult weekend.. So this is, of course, a visitation centered around a holiday - that is why he is going.  That is why we are all going.  Jordan spends his week with his mom, and we stay on the other side of OKC with Dean's folks.  On Thanksgiving Day, Dean's two sisters, their husbands and their married children with little ones will be coming for dinner.  His two step sisters and their families will be coming to the house too.  These are all people that - if he is lucky - Jordan gets to see once, maybe twice a year.  He forgets their names...he forgets who belongs with who, and so forth.  But he likes to see them - they are all fun people!  The problem is with Jordan's mom.  This is technically 'her time'.  In her mind, Jordan is there to see her, not everybody else.  Did anybody mention it was a holiday?  A holiday that typically involves every last little cousin gathering at one location to eat and visit?  It only happens once a year?  It helps families connect and bond?  In the end she will begrudgingly allow him to come and visit for a couple of hours, but it seems that as the years roll by, the fight becomes harder and harder.  Most important to share here - by 'fight' I don't mean our fight to get permission for Jordan to come spend time with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.  I mean Jordan's fight.

Look, I get the whole "it's my time" thing.  I'm a child of divorce too.  Every year the holidays were worked out a little differently, but both of my parents made sure that we got to see extended family in an equitable way.  We were lucky because almost our entire family lived within a four hour radius at the time, so it was doable.  So my personal experience is shading my opinion here.  Sharing is hard, but hey - that is a hard, sad fact of divorce.  Get over it.  You will be sharing in every event of your child's life for the rest of your lives.  You have one child, and two families.  That is the reality.  It is also reality that as the child gets older, they will have an OPINION about where they would prefer to spend their time.  Don't get on the wrong side of that opinion, or you will wind up spending the holidays all by yourself.

So let's explore that 'opinion'.  It is Jordan's opinion (YES, Jordan's - not ours that is being pushed onto him), that he would like to see his dad's extended family for a couple of hours on Thanksgiving.  Let me mention here that this has been the routine since the divorce - every alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, we bring Jordan to OKC (and get our visit in too), and during that time Jordan has visited his dad's family for a bit on said holiday.  Why should this year be different?  So, this past weekend, Jordan shared this with his mom that he would like to see his dad's family, and the preferable time for that visit.  He got a flat 'no'.  No?  Really?  Why?

"(Stepdad) took the day off"  - (that's great... He doesn't see him otherwise??)
"We are going to visit your (other) grandparents" - (They have never done this.  Year after year I have been blown away by the very sad fact that holidays aren't too special in this particular household.  No big (or small) family dinners with the other grandparents, no special cooking, no rituals or traditions...)
"Why do you want to go?" - (Jordan has to explain why he would like to visit his family???)
"Who is putting you up to this??" - (apparently Jordan is unable to form his own opinions)

I could go on and on about the insanity of this current state of affairs, so I'll spare you.. but I will sum it up with this: I don't know what life experience led up to this woman's view of 'family' and all that it entails, but it makes me very sad.  Jordan is growing increasingly frustrated with his mother's overwhelming negativity and unyielding nature.  And that frustration is tainting his feelings towards her and his desire to spend less time there.

After Jordan got off the phone (in tears), yes, I will admit he got a little coaching from us on how to handle it next time.  It sounded something like this...

"If you want to see your extended family, you need to state it - firmly"
"You need to be ready to give a list of several good reasons"
"Don't let her change the subject in an attempt to derail your request"
"It's your holiday too, so you need to express what you want to do"
"Stress the point that it is only a couple of hours - that is a reasonable amount of time"
"Tell her this is not you rejecting spending time with her" (of course, that is how she interprets this)

So, the next evening when she called again, he immediately brought up the subject of Thanksgiving.  We motioned for him to stay within earshot - we were there for him, and it always goes bad when she gets him alone...  It was unbelievable.  A 15 minute long conversation, with raised voices and lots of arguing.  Again and again Jordan requested that she stop changing the subject.  He kept a level head, and kept stating his reasons (in a non-confrontational way) for why he wanted just a couple of hours on Thanksgiving to see his dad's family.  She was constantly asking if we put him up to it, and if we were telling him what to say.  It is as if she can't believe that he could possibly be capable of this opinion on his own.  And you know how it ended?  She laughed it off and said that SHE WAS JUST TOYING WITH HIM and that she was planning on allowing him to go all along.

What utter bullshit.  What a crappy way to treat your son.  What is even more sad - I don't believe that's the truth.  I think that she thought she could totally railroad him, was not expecting the fight, and lied to save face.  She absolutely resents anybody telling her what to do.  In this case, Jordan was telling her what he wanted to do - and since he is an extension of her, this was telling her what to do as well.

There is a silver lining here.  Recent events have revealed that Jordan is actually quite wise beyond his years.  There has been a complete role-reversal of parent vs. child.  He is the mature one, scolding and lecturing the badly-behaving immature mother.  He is all of 13, but we think that he has now surpassed her in emotional age.  She was acting like a child - all the way to the very end when she just blew the whole confrontation off as a joke on Jordan.  I am super proud of him and how he handled himself.  A big key to getting him through these next few years has been discovered - he sees his mother for who she is, and he knows how to deal with her.

So this brings me back to where I began.  I've just totally laid into another mom and criticized her ability to parent - do I have ground to do so?  Absolutely!  The day I said "I do", he became mine too.  I may be writing from the perspective of the stepmom - but does that make me count any less in this?  Guess who has to help pick up the pieces every time she behaves like this?   It hurts me so, so much, to witness what his mother's emotional instability does to him.  He never knows 'who' he will be speaking to on any given day.  The mom that is angry with everybody?  Will she be depressed or manic today?  This is not how to show your son love or security!!  And what's worse...he knows it and it has crippled his relationship with his mother.  He does not receive love in recognizable, acceptable forms.  They come in a twisted fashion, with strings attached.  He does not feel security.  Ever since the tornado incident this past summer, security in his mom's house does not exist.  A child cannot feel secure when they don't feel safe or know what type of parent they will be dealing with on any given day.  A child cannot feel loved when their parent purposely toys with their emotions and engages in deceit.

One last thought.  Teenagers often get a bad rap for being out of touch or surly or whatever.  I don't know about the younger three (but I have a bad feeling...), but in Jordan's case, we have a gem of a child.  He has a sixth sense about how to engage with somebody, and to what level he needs to relate to them.  I think, in part, that comes from dealing with his mom.  That conversation on the phone that he was having the other night - even though we could only hear his side - the things he was saying just left us speechless with pride.  He really does knows how to handle himself.  Damn... does that mean that I actually have to express gratitude to his mother for this?  Okay...I'll save it for the table at Thanksgiving, when I turn to Jordan and give thanks that he is such an awesome kid (and for the fact that he fought so hard for the right to be there in the first place).







Stepping out on date night with four left feet

 

 

It's not that I woke up one morning and decided that from now on I would look for every opportunity to step outside my comfort zone - let alone drag my husband with me.  However, on that day in August, when an email from my daughter's dance studio arrived with a request for adult volunteers to dance as party scene parents in the Nutcracker, my mind started racing.  Could I?  Should I?  We?  Would Dean be willing to do it with me?  Can he dance?  I don't know?!?!?  How is it that I have no idea if my husband can dance or not??

 

The sad fact is, since the moment we met, we have never danced.  Not once.  Not at our wedding, or at a club, or at someone else's wedding, not even in the living room.  We may have swayed to-and-fro a bit in the hospital room, but I was in active labor so I may have been hallucinating.  We made it official on the evening of November 1st, when Dean took my hand and we twirled on a bonafide dance floor for the very first time.  And then I started a count late, he stepped out with the wrong foot, and we fumbled for the other's hand as we each turned in the wrong direction.  We were dancing!

 

We had a great time.  It felt like a date night! We chatted, we laughed...  This plays directly into sage marriage advice - find and use opportunities to try new things together, as it will provide ways to learn and grow as a couple.  It is hard to put what I feel into words, but I feel so blessed - a thousand times over - that Dean was willing to step outside of his own comfort zone to do this with me.  Sure my stomach is in knots with anxiety over doing this, but this is such a rare opportunity that we get to dance together in the Nutcracker of all things...  It is exciting to be in rehearsal and to be a part of something bigger once again.  I also realize that this may be a long-time gig.  Willing and able adult volunteers are hard to find - and they know where we live.

 

 

 

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

 

 

Outside my window... Frost on the grass and a clear blue sky. It will be a sunny day.

I am thinking... About our upcoming trip to OKC for Thanksgiving, about the logistics of the very busy weekend that we leave... and it makes my head hurt.

I am thankful... For the fact that maybe, *just* maybe, we might all finally be getting over our colds. I think three weeks is sufficient penance for whatever it is we did to offend the Gods of cleanliness and sterility.

From the Learning Rooms... Last week Rylan and I finished reading Charlotte's Web - our first novel we've completed together. No - Rylan didn't read to me, but we read and discussed as we moved along. She's not quite at the reading level yet where she could tackle something like that, but she just may be ready for something like Magic Treehouse... I got the Charlotte's Web movie at the library last week and told her we could watch it as soon as we finished. We got to the end of the book (Rylan's reaction to the passing of Charlotte was rather blasé - not sure why...) but Rylan was reduced to tears when the stupid library DVD would. not. play. Luckily I could pull it up on Netflix, and so we watched it as a family on Sunday night. I was very impressed with the movie (the one with Dakota Fanning...) - one of the best movie adaptations ever! I stressed to Rylan the importance of reading the story BEFORE you watch the movie, because a lot of the thoughts and feelings that the author is expressing is lost when it is adapted for the screen. It was very satisfying to hear Rylan name each character as they initially appeared in the movie, and recall what their character traits were. "See that rat, Owen? That's Templeton, and he is very selfish...".

I'm working on number recognition with Owen, and the other day I gave him a set of cards, numbered 1-20 to place in order. He worked off of a number grid that was printed on another card and matched pattern and placement to get the job done. He is very, very particular about how he goes about this. I am confident that he recognizes #s 1-5, and #8 because he looks like a snowman. It is a work in progress. Very sloooow progress.

Dean stayed home on Monday so that he could attend a memorial service that afternoon. I had him work on Jordan's physics lesson with him while I did math with Rylan and Owen. I like when I have the opportunity to get Dean in on the lessons. He is more aware of what we do, and Jordan is more aware of teaching differences. There is dad's over-the-top-way-too-technical explanation, and my let's-consult-Google-because-I-have-no-idea explanation. :)


In the kitchen... we have been surviving on minimal cooking at home, and a lot, A LOT, of takeout. As my energy returns I am in better shape to get to the store and do some cooking. Pushing a grocery cart and carrying groceries is still a painful activity for me (because of the BR), so that plays a huge part in it. Last night I made PW's sour cream beef noodle bake, and it was meh... :/ I'd add more sour cream. I also added green beans and used leftover spaghetti sauce instead of tomato sauce. It still needs more 'oomph'.

I am wearing... comfy pjs. As soon as I finish this I'll change into walking gear and get outside.

I am creating... I'm making a mental packing list for OKC, and among the items is my yarn and circular knitting needles. It's been a couple of years since I knitted last, so it is time to learn to how to cast on again and do the basic knitting stitch. I am in need of a hat for running, as well as maybe a neck (cowel?) type thing, and a ear warmer/headband. Then I can pick and choose based on the weather of the day... I have no idea how to make a hat, but there is always Google and YouTube to show the way! This will be a good way to pass the time on our trip.

I am going... We have a girl scout outing this afternoon - a fire station visit to go hand-in-hand with our current badge - First Aid. Rylan has ballet later this afternoon and Jordan has Lego robotics.

I am wondering...How the kids manage to use 20 different cups in one day... sigh.

I am reading... currently I've been reading different articles about the Common Core. I've been holding this issue at arm's length, thinking that it wouldn't have much effect on us since we homeschool. Now I am not so sure, so I have been cramming on the issue. My gut reaction is 'This is bad. Very, very bad.' Many thanks to various friends for posting different editorials/videos about the issue. Any kind of blanket education policy is bad policy!!

In the garden... dead plants that really, really need to be removed. Anyone?

I am hoping... My gosh the destruction in the Philippines is just heartbreaking. I hope that relief comes soon for the people who are desperate for food and water.

I am looking forward to... the weekend. Not much is going on other than Saturday morning when Dean and Jordan complete Scouting for Food, but I am looking forward to the quiet before the crazy-assed stress of the following week - a busy week and packing for OKC.

I am learning... about Common Core, force, how to convert an Ikea table into a sewing table with a dropped machine placement, and this Ikea-inspired family locker unit! I wish we had a mud room - it is actually very high on my must-have list for whenever we make the move to a bigger house. God help our family budget if I ever set foot in the Ikea that is in Denver... one of these days...one of these days.

I am hearing... Ylvis - The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?). This is the kid's new favorite, and it is an absolute joy to sing and go a little crazy!

Around the house... Last weekend Dean finished tearing out the tile around the fireplace, and we went to the tile store to pick out new tile. I am also looking forward to this weekend because I hope we can finish up this stage of the project - especially since part of the wall is exposed to the studs. I am thankful that the weather is mild right now - otherwise this room would get very chilly!

I am pondering... paint colors for the downstairs. The time to choose is now!

One of my favorite things... changing the looks of things. This part of the house is looking so different, yet in a good way! I can't wait to post pictures when we get it all cleaned up.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Just activities and such. I also need to get the tires checked, oil changed and windshield replaced before we leave.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

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