Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... Sunshine and a soft breeze.

I am thinking... About my nephew who is celebrating a birthday today, about my cousin that celebrated a birthday yesterday, and my husband who celebrated his birthday the day before that, the food I need to prepare for a picnic we're attending this afternoon, the massive curriculum order I need to place, the fact that Jordan still needs to complete his homework, the stuff I need to do in preparation for the new season of Cub Scouts that begins this week, and the big change that is happening to our homeschool online platform that is happening in T-minus 38:21 hours, and I still have to figure out how to get 120 invites sent out to our membership.

I am thankful... For the slight change in my medication.  I had a very productive initial Dr. visit with a new psychiatrist last week.  I am currently taking 30mg of Prozac daily, but am feeling 'flat' and unmotivated.  So after reviewing my situation and current mental health, he recommended adding 150mg Wellbutrin to the Prozac.  I've got a long-term low grade depression, layered with a more immediate depression that comes and goes with the times.  The Wellbutrin should help stabilize things and help me with the motivation piece so that I can move beyond the current 'hole' that I feel like I am trapped in right now.  (hole = always feeling like I am behind and overwhelmed, and helpless to stop the cycle).

From the Learning Rooms... The kids and I are about to get into the full swing of things when their curriculum arrives later this week. (hopefully - it is the busy season for that, so shipping may be an issue).  We have been doing math, history and science these past weeks, but I am anxious to get the Language Arts stuff going.  Jordan is doing well with his transition to public high school.  I have a blog post in production about that...

In the kitchen... I am making black-eyed pea dip and monster cookies for the picnic later today.  About 45 people are attending.  That's a whole lotta cookies.

I am wearing... pjs!

I am creating... Trying to decide between Trello, Workflowy, Sticky Notes, Kanban, and Wunderlist as a way to keep track of what I need to do.  Part of why I feel sooo overwhelmed is that I have a lot on my plate, and minimal executive function to keep track of it all.  My old brain injury is rearing it's ugly head and lots of stuff is falling through the cracks.  I have about 40% follow-thru on most stuff right now, because of it.  That is all a part of the vicious cycle that keeps beating down my ability to cope and feel good about myself.

I am going... To a picnic later today with our Ingress friends.  I am looking forward to it - they are a fun bunch of people.

I am wondering... About the great horned owl I heard outside our bedroom window the other night.  It was really neat to hear, but I've never heard an owl in our neighborhood before.  Makes me worry about the neighbor's cat that likes to prowl around.

I am reading... I just finished reading The Bishop's Wife, by Mette Ivie Harrison.  I love murder mysteries, and to add the Mormonism element to it was the icing on the cake, because Mormonism is a mystery all in its self.  I just like reading about things I know little about so that I learn something new.  I read it in two days.  I haven't been lost in a book like that in months.  My husband hates it because I completely ignore everything else when I am absorbed in a book, but I feel it is good for me from time to time.  I need time away from myself, lol...

I am hoping... to get in another 10K steps today.  Yesterday was the first day I managed that in I don't know how long.  I got myself a new FitBit Charge for my birthday earlier this month, and I am loving it!

I am looking forward to... the picnic of course, but not much else this week.  It's a busy week coming up full of stressssssss.  :/  So I am looking forward to next weekend.

I am learning... how to juggle.  Just kidding.  I don't think there are any spare brain cells to think about learning anything right now.

I am hearing... Ghoststories by Coldplay on the headphones, but unfortunately it does not drown out the kids arguing in the kitchen as Rylan is making pancakes and Colin, Owen and Jordan are discussing Geometry Dash.

Around the house... Dog hair.  Lots and lots of dog hair.  Abby's seasonal shed is in full swing.

I am pondering... shaving her.  No, not really.  I made that mistake with my first husky, Kai.  My dad helped my shave her, and she wouldn't look at me for weeks.  I think she felt embarrassed.  Dean keeps threatening to take Abby to the groomers.  I don't think she would like that at. all.

One of my favorite things... A clean kitchen counter.  I managed to get two different areas cleaned up this past week.  The feeling was awesome.  And then kids and husband ruined it all.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Rylan begins a new year of dance this week.  She is taking ballet and jazz again, and luckily they are on the same day, back-to-back, which means one less round trip for me.  yay!  Also, Owen begins his new season of Cub Scouts this week.  I am stepping into the new role of assistant leader of his den this year, because the one from last year quit abruptly early last spring, I am an idiot/glutton for punishment and also because no other parent offered to.  Luckily, Mark, the den leader, is a well-seasoned scout and knows how to run things pretty well - I'm just an extra pair of hands, really.  It is a small group, so hopefully it won't be too much work.  Also, the BSA does an excellent of spelling out everything to do in the manual.  Unlike the Girl Scouts that are so disorganized it's pointless.


Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

My husband, Dean, celebrated birthday #45 on Friday.  The kids and I drove down to his work to take him out to lunch at Oskar Blues.  Yum!

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Doing nothing about everything

I will say that life is good.  Just...good.  I've thoroughly enjoyed my summer of just 'being'.  We had the most minimal schedule - ever.  And it was good.  Actually, it was great.  It was also just about all I could handle.  Last year just sent me into an abyss that seemed to have no bottom.  I'm still working on finding the light.  I came across this quote today, and it is the first thing I have read in a long, long time that adequately explains how I feel most of the time.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

My oldest is entering high school in T-minus 36 hours, and I feel scared.  Scared that I didn't do enough, teach him enough, counsel him enough - yet I'm tired of constantly worrying about it.  I'm tired of sounding like the broken record I don't want to be.  Tired of thinking about the needs of the kids, when I should be placing some importance on my own needs.  Parenting is overwhelming to me at times - the precarious act of being scared AND tired, constantly.

It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

This is a thousand times worse when you are a stay-at-home parent and a home educator.  It's the time I spend on Pinterest finding all sorts of activities I will never actually do.  It's the evil of perfectionism.  It's my 5 year old that is still working on potty-training.  It's my 7 year old that is still learning to read.  It's my 15 year old that has horrendous table manners.  I take all of these failures very personally.  Even though they are not about me at all, and technically not my failures and the fact that the 7 year old can't read yet is actually pretty normal.  It circles back to scared and tired.  I'm scared that my 15 year old will blow it on the first day of school by spewing food on his classmates during the lunch hour and forever making the wrong impression.  But, I have a serious lack of urge to do anything about it, because, after 10 years of lecturing him on a daily basis about the basics of mealtime decency, he still doesn't 'get it'.  Same with the 5 year old that still has no clue about when to make the effort to get to the bathroom.  It's the half-finished paint job in the open floor plan livingroom/kitchen that is stalled out because all of a sudden I am unsure about the paint color.  Fuck it.  Old spaghetti sauce stains are better than the wrong color of beige, right?  

It's wanting friends but hate socialising.

Facebook is my own worst enemy.  It's the friends that post pictures of fun that doesn't include you, but if they actually had, you wouldn't really have wanted to go anyway because of a thousand different reasons that have nothing to do with not wanting to see your friends.  It's the desperate need to share a coffee with a dear friend, but fear of rejection so you don't ask.  And besides, you're too tired to go through the hassle.

It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.

I'm an introvert, so spending time alone is almost preferred.  Except when the anxiety creeps in that I'm alone too much and afraid that everyone thinks I'm standoffish.  And so then I am a failure at socializing properly, yet to work on it would require effort.

It's caring about everything, then caring about nothing.

I care that my children are fed and clothed and cared for.  Yet....there are days I don't really give a crap if they eat nothing but carrot sticks and popsicles, stay in their pjs and go to bed late.  Some days it is just too difficult to keep the plates spinning.  Ok.. Most days.

It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb.

You read about the latest atrocity dealt to innocent people by various terrorist groups.  You feel helpless, hopeless, deeply sad and distressed... and then you feel numb.  You feel the stress of doctor appointments, committee tasks, emails, deadlines, activity schedules - no more so than the average person has to deal with, but for you, it all comes too fast and furious, and you can't process it all, so you retreat to your room and take a nap.  And stay there.  The kids are yelling downstairs....  The dog is barking to be let in...  The cellphone is downstairs but you can hear the ping of text messages coming through.  And still you do not move.  

This has been my mental health struggle for the past several months.  My don't-give-a-shit days number far too many still, but there is gradual improvement.  At the end of the month I will be seeing a new counselor/psychiatrist, and I am pretty sure there will be a med tweak.  I'm currently on Prozac, but I just don't like the side-effects.  I feel 'flat', with little affect, my energy is super low and my weight is going up.  

Now, for the good news, I bought myself a new FitBit for my birthday last week, and I love how it motivates me.  I know that getting back into a regular exercise routine will help me in numerous ways - as long as the fear of failure doesn't get in the way.  I also made the decision to take homeschooling by the horns again - on my own, without Calvert.  I feel like this is a risky move - given my don't-give-a-shit attitude of late, but I can't take any more pressure like I had to put up with last year.