"NOOOOOOO!!!! Oh please no!"
I screamed for Dean. I screamed for it to stop. I screamed for my glasses because I couldn't see. I couldn't see what was happening other than there was blood. And lots of it. I felt a sudden gush, as if my insides had suddenly left my body and I slipped and slid into the shower stall. Whatever it was, it was now in my underwear. I was shaking with fright - I did not want to look. Dean was with me now as I put on my glasses and looked...
"No....no....no...no...."
Up until this point I had experienced good fortune with my pregnancies. No major mishaps. Only minor bleeding with Rylan in the 13th week. Nothing like this. I don't know what happens during a miscarriage. I don't know what you see or don't see. My heart aches for every woman I have met that has shared their personal grief over an experience of miscarriage in their life. But I never pressed for details... I don't know exactly what they experienced. I can only imagine - and again I share my sorrow with them for their loss. But what I was looking at just horrified me. A mass the size of my hand. That can't be good. Nothing that large, in the thirteenth week of pregnancy can be a positive sign that everything is A-OK.
We hugged. We cried. We grieved. We were both of the same mind that the pregnancy had just come a horrible and definitive end. We gathered up what we could to show the ER personnel because I remembered reading somewhere that you should do that. I showered while Dean so kindly cleaned the floor and took care of the carpets and the nightgown.
Thankfully the kids remained asleep and mom arrived to lend a hand (and her shoulder). We drove off into the night. Numb. Stunned. In total disbelief. There had been no warning. No sign of impending doom. No pain, no more discomfort than what I felt on any other normal day of pregnancy. This came out of virtually nowhere. In fact, later that morning we were due to have our first ultrasound. We both relayed feelings of relief that we had not seen the baby yet or heard it's heartbeat. That would have made it all the more unbearable now.
We arrived at the ER, and the doctor examined me, and looked at what was in the bag.
"Hmmm. We'll know more when we see what the ultrasound shows".
??
We didn't want to see. We didn't want to see an empty black space of nothing (or worse...) I laid there imagining all sorts of awful things that I couldn't seem to get out of my head.
In the meantime, Dean went white as a sheet. He slumped over and warned the nurse that he was about to go down. Too much adrenaline... They moved him to another bed and gave him juice and a cold wash cloth. In the meantime I got an IV. I was feeling woozy myself. In the passing minutes Dean came around and they wheeled me to the ultrasound room.
We couldn't bear to watch. I began to hurt and feel even more nauseous myself. The tech kept up the small talk and didn't seem phased at all by what she was seeing. Again - surreal.
They wheeled me back into the ER and we waited. Just a few moments really - and then the nurse came back. She seemed a little too happy. She even grinned.
"Have you heard the results?"
uhhhh...
"The baby is just fine. Normal heart rate. Everything looks okay."
Say what? What baby? There can't possibly still be a baby. Not after what we saw as we sat on the shower floor. That is just not.... well... not what we expected to hear.
Then the tears of relief came. And then abject terror. Well if didn't happen, then it's STILL HAPPENING....right? This was only a sign that the process was just beginning. Everywhere I've read - once a miscarriage begins, there is nothing that can stop it. But the nurse was HAPPY. That counts for something right?
The doctor came in and said that I had passed a rather large (duh!?!) blood clot and that indeed, the baby was just fine. No idea where the bleeding was coming from, but the placenta was intact and just fine. Good news... except for the no idea where all the blood was coming from part.
We went home. Again in disbelief. We shared the good news with mom and went to bed. I didn't sleep very much. We got up, got the kids ready and went to our 9 am ultrasound appt. We were wanting answers. She brought up the image and here is what we saw...
He/she was even doing some flashy arm movements! Heart rate fine, measurements fine... everything just fine. Great! So, um, why all the bleeding? Well, from what the technician was able to tell, there is a large blood clot sitting just adjacent to the cervix. The placenta is sitting over the cervix as well. The cervix is securely closed, so the blood clot will remain. The placenta will move as the uterus grows, but to what degree remains to be seen. A placenta over or near the cervix is called Placenta Previa. It is not a good thing. We experienced the same thing with Rylan at 13 weeks and by the 20th week ultrasound, things had resolved themselves. I think this time around it is a little more serious. A placenta over the cervix when delivery time comes is actually a very dangerous thing. We'll know more in the coming weeks.
Well, as this week has progressed I am feeling better. I still feel like I've taken about 50 direct hits with a soccer ball to the gut. I don't know why that would be. Weird. I feel tired and I'm hobbling around like I feel 36 weeks pregnant. But each day it gets better. I've been blessed with very helpful family and friends this week. A nice dinner of bbq beef sandwiches one night, lasagna the next, cinnamon rolls for breakfast - and even help with the dishes!! Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Tomorrow is my 38th birthday and the picture above is the best present I could have ever asked for.
