Jordan is my 9 year old stepson. He lives here, with us, but visits his mother three times a year - 6 weeks in summer, alternating Thanksgiving and Christmas, and 1 week for Spring Break. We are currently in the middle of his annual summer visit with mom. Mom lives in another state and we have differing ideas about what it means to be a responsible parent.
In the weeks leading up to each and every visit, she compiles a list of his favorite foods so that she can shop before he arrives. As sweet and endearing as this ritual is, this list is composed primarily of every kind of junk food there is and is her way to pull her child close to her by giving him all that he wants.
We have, over the years, gained the impression that Jordan does not have much to do when he visits his mom. There are a few visits here and there with other family members, but the vast majority of his time is spent watching TV or playing video games. He comes home in a very addicted state. It takes weeks to get him back to the point where he is not asking every 10 minutes - "Can I watch a movie? Can I play the Wii?"
Every visit (Summer is the worst), we go through a process of getting him back on track - sort of like cleaning up after a messy party. Well, this summer has gone unexpectedly south in a very short amount of time. About a week ago, during his daily phonecall, Jordan revealed (privately so that his mom wouldn't hear) that his mom had told him that Santa did not exist. Just came right out and told him - out of the blue. It is the middle of summer (!!) and for no apparent reason she brought it up. She effectively ended not only his belief in Santa, but also the Easter Bunny, the toothfairy and anything else that held a shred of childhood magic. Yes, Jordan is 9 - but a young nine. No, he was not without a little doubt, but he still believed, none the less. And we were happy to let him continue - knowing full well that pretty soon, in the next year or so, he would inadvertantly figure it out on his own. We did not expect his mom to come out of left field and just end it. And to make matters worse, she told him that he had better not tell his dad that it was she who told him 'the truth'. How unfair is that? Now that puts Jordan in a tough spot - if she finds out we know, she'll know he told us despite her warning and that will become a trust issue between them. Again - how unfair to put him in that position. How unfair to put us in that position! We should be able to express our disappointment and defend Jordan's right to a naturally progressing childhood - one that reveals the mysterious world of 'adulthood' at a more appropriate age. I am so upset that still - after a weeks time - I could spit. How unfair! She not only ruined it for him (for only personal gain, no less - it's our guess that she just doesn't want to have to keep up the charade anymore) but it ruins it for our kids as well. Jordan cannot keep a secret to save his life - I predict our kids will know years before they should.
But no - this was not the last straw. That came today. Jordan went to see a PG13 movie today, with his grandma. Jordan had requested this particular movie (and most likely knew full well what the rating was...) and asked his grandma to take him to see it. His grandma had the good sense to question the movie's rating, and called to check with his mom before she took him to the movie. His mom ok'ed it. His mom knows that we don't allow him to watch PG13 movies yet. For the very reason - HE IS ONLY NINE!!! Let a kid be a kid, for goodness sake! Why can't kids just be left alone to enjoy what little childhood they get? Why does the media have to push bad language and suggestive adult 'stuff'onto kids? Why can't his mother be more thoughtful and senstive to the nature of him still being a child? She all of a sudden wants him to bypass childhood and be a teenager. I believe that she does these things on purpose because she has issues with which parent has the control. We don't want this to be a control issue - we just try to parent rationally, and she wants to parent emotionally. (If she goes after Jordan's emotional needs by giving him what he wants - more freedom w/o direction - she wins, right?) It would be overstepping our bounds to expect that she and her husband parent as exactly as we do, but one would think that our expectation that Jordan be spared from witnessing things on screen that he doesn't really need to see or hear just yet would be respected.
I believe in the spirit of Santa! I believe that there is a time and a place to leave certain elements of childhood behind - and it must be childled, and in the child's best interest. Children have a way of knowing a parent's motive, even if the parent thinks they have concealed it. Jordan knows that (while with his mom) he is eating, watching, saying, and doing things that he should not. The fact that one parent lets him do it and the other doesn't is also apparent to him. One day he will come to realize this distinct difference. I hope he has the fortitude to ask - "Why didn't you care enough to set some limits?".
It is hard being the step parent. I am very caught in the middle as well. I am not his mother, yet I take up the parenting role every day. I set limits and I enforce them. I make sure that he is fed well, body and mind, and that each day is a new opportunity to take the reins and learn something new. I don't profess to be the very best mom, or step mom there is, but I try hard, each and every day, to let him (and my other children) know that I take parenting very seriously. You don't always get a second chance to learn some hard lessons. Lessons like looking both ways before crossing the street, falling in with the wrong group of friends, and using drugs and alcohol. If you don't set limits for the easy stuff, how can you expect them to listen and take you seriously when it comes to the hard stuff?
