Muffin Tin Monday

The kids have been eating absolutely nothing lately (I would swear they survive on air), so it was time to do another MTM meal.  At least that way they actually eat something.



Clockwise from the top: cherries, grilled ham & cheese sandwich slices, cinnamon Teddy Grahams, peas and strawberry yogurt with mini marshmallows in the center.

 I looked at some of the other meals that are featured on the Muffin Tin Mom site today, and I inwardly groaned at my lack of creativity, but here you go.  And it only took me five minutes to do, so I guess that would be a plus!  Owen generously gave Colin his bears and cherries, so I had to fish the cherries out of Colin's mouth before he bit down on a pit or even worse, choked on it...  So it was a moderate success as far as Owen was concerned.  He didn't finish his peas, and he asked if he could take them to bed when it was time to go down for a nap.  Nope!

Meet the Family: Dean

Pumpkin Patch, 2010

Meet Dean, my dear husband of five years and 352 days.  Dean hails from Oklahoma, so I had no choice but to become a Sooner fan.  Dean has a son, Jordan, from a previous marriage.  Almost all of his extended family lives in Oklahoma, so we travel there 2 -3 times a year.  Dean and Jordan moved to Colorado almost eight years ago, when the company he works for relocated his entire division. (Dean is an electrical engineer).

Dean is incredibly handy, and it seems that there is no repair job he can't handle.  He has replaced the brakes on our old Subaru Forester, replaced our water heater, dishwasher, kitchen sink, garage door opener, backyard drainage system, air leaks in the basement...  whew!  He also built me a roll-around lectern that could store my teacher manuals (when I was teaching public school), three raised garden beds, a giant sandbox (post to come soon), a TON of electrical wiring, and probably some more things that I have forgotten about (sorry honey, there are just so many!)  I am so thankful that he has the skills and know-how to be able to do this for our family.  It is also nice to know that our kids will grow up knowing how to do these things as well.

True to my wish list for a perfect partner, Dean loves to travel, hike, bike, camp, go to concerts, museums, movies, restaurants and sporting events.  He is an awesome dad - quick with a joke to help a grouchy kid turn it around.  He doesn't shirk from a poopy diaper or a snotty nose - although I am pretty sure he has yet to produce a ponytail for Rylan  He is the ultimate list-maker and planner (like me), yet at times it can go to the extreme - like when we are packing for a trip and he goes on a two-hour tangent to assemble the cables, charge cords, batteries and what-not and gets completely wrapped up in it and forgets that we are on a schedule.  Such the engineer...

Dean is also incredibly thoughtful.  I remark that I like a certain music artist, and he produces their latest CD or iTunes download within a day or two and surprises me with it.  He treats me to a cold drink, a dish of ice cream, a cup of hot tea, ect.. when needed... he made all three pregnancies that much easier to bear by all the little things he did for me.  Thank you honey!   One of the most awesome things he did was help the kids make me breakfast in bed this past Mother's Day.  They brought me breakfast and then left me alone for another couple of hours and I got to sleep in and read in peace for the whole morning.  It. was. wonderful.  The absolute perfect gift!

I am so blessed!

Simple Woman's Daybook



I have wanted to do this for over two years... what took me so long?

I am thinking...  that I follow way to many blogs.  My husband would agree.

I am thankful... that my good-natured husband allows me the time to write on weekend mornings.

From the Learning Rooms... well... technically we are in the midst of a five-week session of school.  But.  Too many activities have held the ability to get work done at bay.  The best we have been able to accomplish is getting in some reading time, and workbooks during swim lessons.  When swimming lessons are over in four more weeks, we can get back to our regularly scheduled program.  :)

In the kitchen...I have a turkey defrosting in the fridge.  Well, um... it was officially defrosted about five days ago.  Now it is sitting in a puddle of bloody water - I forgot to put it on a pan.  Thankfully the shelf is lipped, so it hasn't spilled anywhere else in the fridge.  I have been watching roasting turkey episodes of America's Test Kitchen on the DVR to learn how to cook a turkey.  They recommend placing pieces of salt pork over the back, to baste the chicken with flavor and fat during the cooking time.  Great.  But no grocery store around here sells salt pork.  So there it sits.  Do I dare cook it?  I am going to take it out of the fridge, after I am done writing, to look at it, and more importantly, smell it.  If it is off, out it goes.  It won't be a financial loss, my dad gave us 4 frozen ones around Christmas time, when the charity he and my step mom were volunteering for had way too many donated turkeys...  I just happened to have freezer space, and the wild-n-crazy idea that maybe it was high time I learn how to cook a turkey.  We'll see.

I am wearing...rumpled shorts and t-shirt.  And a messy pony tail.  And bright pink nail polish on my toes.  Colin likes the polish... he keeps touching my toenails.

I am creating...a to-do list for me today because I can't seem to focus on any one item.  There is too much to do!!

I am going...nowhere today.  Nice to have a day where we have no particular place to be or an errand to run.  The boys however are going to see the movie Cars 2 later today.  Rylan and I went yesterday - it was wonderful!!

I am wondering...how on earth I am going to complete this to-do list.  Also - how long turkey can stay defrosted in a fridge and still be safe to cook.  I think I will google it......I'm back.  Butterball says four days after it is defrosted.  It also said defrost it in a tray.  Geesh.

I am reading...Watermelon by Marian Keyes.  Super book.

I am hoping... that I don't have to come up with plan B for dinner tonight.

I am looking forward to... bookclub on Thursday night, and seeing Kenny Wayne Shepard in concert Saturday night.  Date night!

I am hearing... Dean using the compound mitre saw to cut lengths of pipe for our new drainage system.  I am hearing Owen using his tractor in the dirt pile that Dean excavated from the drainage 'ditch'.  Rylan and Colin are also playing with cars.  Jordan is providing sound effects.  Now they are arguing.  Typical.

Around the house...Dean is working on the new drainage system.  We have had an on-going issue with draining the water that comes from the downspouts on the back side of the house away from the foundation.  I am running a load of laundry.  I will also be disinfecting the entire fridge.

I am pondering...what the next-door-neighbors must think of the constant bickering that emanates from our backyard.

One of my favorite things...is the fresh-laundry smell that comes from our dryer vent by the back door (that is currently open and a breeze is blowing)

A few plans for the rest of the week...session three of swim lessons begins tomorrow, although I have no idea what time.  They are supposed to call and verify the time.  Both Rylan and Owen will be partaking.  Jordan has scouts tomorrow and a cooking class on Wednesday afternoon - snacks and drinks.  Jordan also has a swim meet scheduled for Wednesday morning, and another on Friday morning.  I am already tired.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Excavating can be tricky business...

To read more entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

Meet the Family: Kirsten

I am going to do something new... write a series of posts!  I thought that it would be fun to introduce you to our family, one member at a time.  The little 'About Me' section doesn't quite cover who exactly we are or what our family dynamic is like...

I was born in California, joining my mom, dad and older brother, Kirk.  (My dad got his doctorate in veterinary medicine, with a specialty in immunology.  My mom got her Master's degree in music education.  She taught for 25 years in our school district.)  We moved to Canberra, Australia about 4 months later.  My dad was doing post-doc work in veterinary medicine.  We stayed for about 2 1/2 years, and then moved to Madison, WI.  We moved again, just a few days shy of my fourth birthday, to Colorado - where we all still live.  Most of my extended family still lives here in Colorado.  My parents divorced when I was eight, and they both live here in the same city as me, just a few minutes' drive away.  My brother lives with his wife and three boys in the outskirts of Denver.

I attended public school and graduated in 1989.  The experience was pleasant enough - yet I could have done without the social bullsh!t.  It is crazy how, after all these years, the same social cliques are still present - on Facebook of all places.  I struggled through two years of college, and then left to take a break.  When I turned 21, I went to stay with my dad in Brisbane, Australia, while he was doing some experimental work at the University there.  I stayed 4 months.  It was the absolute most blissful time in my life.  Every day was different, and I had absolutely no agenda.  I got to know myself very well.  It is hard to wrap your head around this thought, but in the midst of the day-to-day bustle of family and work life, you lose yourself.  You never have those quite moments to just be with your thoughts.  I had that opportunity, and I will treasure it always.  My creativity just absolutely flowed.  I taught myself to quilt.  Paint with watercolors.  I wrote poetry and did extensive journaling.  It was wonderful!!

When I arrived home, life abruptly changed, kind of setting up a tail spin that lasted twelve years.  I moved back in with my roommates, and got my dog, Kai, back from the family that kept her while I was in Oz.  I broke up with my long-distance boyfriend.  I started a new job, waitressing, which I had never done before.  Those first few months were pretty comical.  I went back to school.  I started dating the bartender who worked at the same restaurant.  A year later we moved in together and got another dog, Yuki.  I dropped out of school again.  I took on an additional job at a day care.  I took on another additional job cocktail waitressing.  (That's right - three jobs!).  We bought a house.  I left the day care and became a nanny and left cocktailing job.  A year later I took on a string of waitressing jobs at a few different restaurants to supplement everything else.  (Yep - back to three).  Dropped the additional waitressing job when I was promoted to assistant manager at initial job.  Began taking college classes again in the fall of 2000.  I was determined to get my degree in Elementary Education.  I got my first ever 4.0 GPA.  Every semester thereafter (six total), was a 4.0, save one.  I will never get over that A-.  The professor was a bitch.  Women's Studies....go figure.  I was never an 'A' student before.. mostly a just-scraping-by average student.  A new leaf was turning!! In the meantime, my boyfriend was going back to school as well.  He was attending law enforcement academy.  He graduated about ten months before I did.  He took a job with a police department in the outskirts of Denver, about a hour commute each way.

I graduated, but had no teaching job yet.  I was still with the restaurant, and I was still watching the kiddos during the summer months.  I had been with the restaurant for ten years now, and with the kiddos for six.  I juggled a lot of responsibility during those three years of school - but I survived!  That spring that I graduated (2003) we got engaged and sold our little house and bought a bigger and better one.  I landed a teaching job that August, with about five days to spare before the school year started.  A rough beginning for a first year teacher, but it was the most rewarding experience.  It was a small, rural district about a 30 min. commute from home.  I loved, loved, loved those kids.  They were exasperating, challenging, funny and full of life.  Several were migrant kids who spoke only Spanish, some had a relative in prison, some were abused at home or lived with an alcoholic, and some were perfectly 'normal'.  It was tough, but I was given a long leash to teach as I was able, and so I did.  We performed plays, had contests, picnics, reading circles, and long discussions about the realities they faced outside of school.  I got married that spring, in April.  (April again!!!)  No sooner had I opened a joint bank account, changed my name on absolutely everything and opened all of the wedding gifts, the honeymoon was over.  Sixteen days.  We had dated for 10 1/2 years and only managed to stay married for sixteen days.  But that is what happens when one of you is having an affair with a coworker.  And it wasn't me!

Now we enter an especially brutal and dark period.  Even though I had been renewed at the teaching job I loved, I sought out a position within the district I lived in, because it would pay more.  I had this new bigger, better house to pay for.  On my own.  I got the job.  I packed up my schoolroom and I packed up his stuff (thus discovering the affair).  In June, my beloved dog Kai was escorted across the way to where all good dogs go.  That. Sucked.  That was almost enough to push me over the edge.  Enough loss!  I did some therapy.  I wrote a little.  I rattled around a big house, and felt very lonely.  I still had Yuki for company, so we walked.  A lot.  Well, as much as an older dog can handle.

I dug into my new teaching job when school started back up that fall.  I got a puppy, Abbi.  Things were looking up.  I was still working nights and weekends at the restaurant.  Keeping busy felt good.  That November I decided to try out eHarmony.  I was never going to meet anyone otherwise.  I had a long list of deal-breakers.  I was going to be very specific, because I was not going to make the same mistakes again.  Within the first week, I was sent the profile of the man that would later become my husband.  But, I had to wade through a lot of other riff-raff first.  I had worked my way through my prospects, getting to the stage where I would meet them in person.  There was the weirdo engineer from IBM that checked out all of the other women who passed by our table during dinner.  There was the hockey player from Denver.  We went on two dates.  I insisted on going dutch both times.  I think that pissed him off because he never called again.  There was the city engineer from Boulder who was steadily dating someone else, but was still trying out another possible prospects.  There was the mama's boy who wanted me to meet his family as soon as possible.  With the exception of the hockey player - they were all first (and only) dates.  I began to lose heart in the process, and gave up in February.  I didn't renew my membership and left it at that.  There was one guy (Dean) that I chatted with a lot through the eHarmony message system, but he hadn't written back since January.  He would have no way of contacting me (I hadn't given out my personal email or phone number), but I figured that he was no longer interested.

In March, I got a cryptic email in my school email account.  I knew in a second that it was Dean.  He had only three pieces of my personal information to go on to have found that email address.  1. My first name.  2. I taught second grade.  3. He knew the city (and thus the school district) that I lived in.  He did a search and found me.  Just to be sure, he sent a rather ambiguous email that only I would understand.  I remember that moment so well.  I had just set my class to read for 20 minutes because it was DEAR (drop everything and read) time.  I traditionally checked my school email during this time, to stay on top of anything I needed to address.  There it was.  I smiled so big... my heart started to pound.... Could it be??  I wrote him back an equally ambiguous email.  He responded almost immediately.  I extended DEAR time another 15minutes... The messages flew back and forth fast and furious... and by that evening, we were on the phone for the first time.  I can't describe the feelings here... to some it may seem 'creepy' that he was able to figure out how to contact me because he no longer had the ability to do so through eHarmony, but to me it was awesome.  It meant that I had made enough of an impression on him that he was determined to find me through the only other means he had. 

We met face-to-face about a week later.  I met his son, Jordan.  We went out on dates every week.  We went skiing.  We went hiking.  We went to concerts.  I introduced him to my family.  We drove to Oklahoma and he introduced me to his family.  We got engaged.  We moved all of his and Jordan's stuff into my house.  It is now 'our' house.  I quit my restaurant job, ended my long time nanny job (the kids are now in high school and college - I miss them!!), and we got married that July.  Yeah, that's right.  Five months!  That was six years ago!  We had three kids, got a cat, escorted Yuki to her journey beyond, flushed a few fish and got several more.  We are now a very happy family of six, with a dog, a cat, and several fish.

We started homeschooling four years ago, after Jordan finished the first grade in public school.  We rarely go to church, for a variety of reasons, but it doesn't mean we aren't a family of faith and spirituality.  We love to go on bike rides, go camping, hiking, skiing, snow boarding and we love, love to travel. 

I love to quilt - I have about five different ones all in various stages of production.  I am *sort of* learning how to knit.  I love to garden and work in the yard.  Except when it is hot.  I love to write, I love to read and I love teaching.

Life is good!

Normal without following the norms

We are still enjoying our 'New Normal', that isn't so new anymore.  The sentiments are still the same, but the kids are older and there are now more of them.  :)  Even though I may sound like I am lamenting the loss of my teaching career, I'm not.  Really.  The change, as abrupt as it was, has been the best thing to ever happen to our family.  I love our homeschooling life as much as I did the day we started four years ago, if not more.  We have grown into it quite assuredly.  I scoff at the socialization comments, I sneer (on the inside) at the suggestion that my kids might be missing out on something and I celebrate every day that we can do what we do in peace.  Here is a photo essay of our reasons to celebrate homeschooling....

This lovely gem is from the Explore Zone at the Denver Museum of Nature and Science.



I love that we can go on field trips as a family.




We can explore new concepts...




Follow the beat of a different drum...




Ask questions...




Solve a puzzle in our own way...




Share what we have learned...




Do further research...




Work together as family...




Take a rest when we need to...




Explore our feelings...




Satisfy our curiosity...




Help each other...




Create...




Get some fresh air...




Enjoy home-cooked meals...




Explore our community with close friends...




And most of all... HAVE FUN!



Do you ever wish you didn't know what you know?

I started out last week, on Monday morning, feeling pretty good.  Then I had my therapy session.  After that, not so good.  The therapy session, in and of itself, went really well.  I have two big issues of sadness and anger, my divorce and job loss, that I need to work through.  So, last Monday's topic was job loss.

It was a timely issue for me, because another teacher in our district, a well-respected veteran teacher, is facing dismissal for allegedly cheating on CSAP.  This scenario is very similar to my 'dismissal'.  I can't really call my losing my job a 'dismissal', because I was on a one-year contract anyway.  That's just part of the three year process of becoming a tenured teacher - you get renewed one year at a time, with your third renewal being the renewal that means you will be hired permanently, and achieve tenure, or 'relative' job security.  When my third time for renewal came around, my principal told me that I was no longer a 'good fit' for his school.  I am going to share with you why...

I am still leery about discussing it openly - only because I know things I wish I didn't know.  Things that could cost individuals their jobs and embarrass the school (and district).  It was very 'freeing' to be able to discuss it with a third party - someone who didn't know any of the people involved.  I could name names.  I could swear.  I could be open, raw and honest.  I am carrying an amazing amount of emotional burden  - way more than I need to.

Here is my story:
I began teaching in my district six years ago - I had only one previous year of teaching under my belt.  I began with one year in second grade and spent the final two in third grade.  In the second year of teaching third grade I was accused of 'reading' a portion of the CSAP test to one of my students, and 'leading' him towards an answer.  I did not.  I did quietly discuss with one of my students why he was staring into space when he was supposed to be working on the test.  He indicated he was frustrated with a question.  I asked him to tell me what he was confused about.  He read the question to me, and then realized, on his own, (during the act of reading it aloud) what he was supposed to do, and he went back to work.  Except...

In the midst of this quiet 'discussion' between me and my student, my principal and the CSAP coordinator for our school walked through the classroom and witnessed me talking when I shouldn't have been.  I know what the CSAP administration manual says....you are only allowed to say, "Just do your best".  Student bleeding?  "Just do your best".  Student hyperventilating due to stress?  "Just do your best."  Student broke both pencil points?  "Just do your best".  You get the picture....Say anything else and it could be misconstrued as extra help.  Later that day, the principle sent the coordinator to ferret out what I was talking to my student about.  I was honest.  Sometime during the next day or two I was called to a meeting with the district's assessment head-honcho and my principal.  It was the most intimidating moment of my life.  I was honest.  The student's test was invalidated and a report would go in my personnel file.  I was considered 'lucky' because every student testing in the room at the time could have been invalidated. - a huge potential black eye on the school and the district.

In the eyes of my principal, I was now a teacher with no integrity (even though I did not cheat!) Seven weeks later, when renewal time came around, I was notified that my contract would not be renewed.    It came as a total surprise to me.  I had just had one of the best teacher observations (ever) a couple weeks prior.  He never let on that he was going to do that - he had given me the impression that we had moved on.  Never mind three years' worth of above-satisfactory teacher observation reports.  Never mind that all my students had shown satisfactory academic progress.  It was not good enough.  I had brought shame to my principal by 'allegedly' cheating, and that was enough.  He would not give me a letter of recommendation, and my teaching career was effectively over.

Let's talk about this notion of integrity as it pertained to the faculty of this particular school...

Case #1 - The reason why I moved from second grade to third grade was because I was forced to.  A tenured teacher wanted to switch grade levels, so I either agreed to move up to third grade so he could have my second grade position, or I had no job.  A year later this teacher left our district.  A couple of years later he was accused, tried and convicted of sexually assaulting a child (not a student).  Nice.

Case #2 - Years ago, teacher "X" photo-copied something she shouldn't have.  Teacher "Y" gave me a copy of this (ahem) material "to guide my instruction" throughout the year.  Let's just say, it's illegal to make or posses a copy of said item... (an item of which several samples are released each year by the Colorado Department of Education anyway!)

Case #3 - During the same CSAP testing period of which I was accused of impropriety, Teacher "Y" shared with me that she asked a student to erase all of his answers on the page of the test he was currently working on, and do it over again because he got every question wrong.  He did.  That is blatant.

Teachers "X" and "Y" are still teaching.  They know that I know what I know about them.  I don't like knowing what I know.  I feel cheated to some extent that they are still employed, yet I took the fall.  I forced myself to shred the illegal copies that I had, just so I wouldn't feel compelled to use it against teachers "X" and "Y" in a moment of emotional weakness on my part.  I don't want to ruin any one's careers or livelihoods, yet I can't deny that I am STILL angry enough about this whole debacle that I desire retribution for my multiple losses.  That is precisely why I am in therapy... to deal with some pretty intense feelings.

I feel shame.

I feel an immense amount of personal shame.  I feel shame that I chose to not follow the rules and lost my job because of it.  I knew the moment I spoke with that child that I shouldn't have - the rules were clear, and I did not follow them.  Why I chose to do so is a complicated matter.  Honestly, I didn't think it through.  I saw a kid struggling with his own demons (writing on demand was one of his most difficult tasks, and he could set up massive mental roadblocks), and I reacted. 

I feel shame that I can no longer contribute to the financial earnings for my family.

I feel shame that I spent all of that time and energy earning my college degree, that now languishes, useless, in a dusty file cabinet.

I feel shame that I come from a tradition of teaching in my family, yet I brought no honor to my name.  My grandmother expressed a great deal of disappointment (not in me per se) that I was no longer teaching.  I feel like I let her down.

I feel anger.

I am angry with the system.  The NCLB act was one of the worst things to do to the American educational system.  I will never acknowledge that there is any merit to high-stakes testing.  Research has proven over and over again that there is so much more to learning than regurgitating a canned written response on a test.  As long as high stakes testing exists, no child of mine will ever attend public school.

I am angry that I had no recourse when my contract was not renewed.  Despite having paid into the local, state and national teacher's union coffers for three years, there was no way I could defend myself or appeal my dismissal. I knew what I did was wrong, but I do not believe that it warranted the loss of my job - if that is the reason why I lost my job.

I am angry that my principal did not have to give me a reason for my non renewal.  He left me to agonize over it for years to come... to speculate as to the 'WHY'.  I don't know why I am still giving him license to make me feel miserable.  I was (AM!!) a good teacher.  There is nothing worse than knowing that some one looks upon you and only sees one small fraction of you instead of looking at the whole person.  It is never a good feeling when some one thinks the worst of you.

I am mostly angry with myself.  I knew better than to cast doubt on my integrity..  I am not that person.  I don't cheat.  I am smart and capable, and I play by the rules.  But still...  I wish I had possessed the fortitude to hand back the photocopies and say 'No thanks' (not that I used them anyway - I didn't).  I wish I had stifled my urge to intervene during the test- I could have chosen many other moments to be a source of strength and guidance for that student - and countless others besides him.

I just want to be done with feeling bad about this.  Teachers "X" and "Y"?  I am disappointed in your decisions and conduct.  I hope that you reflect on what you did from time to time and change your ways.  If not, karma will take care of it for you.  Mr. Principal?  Your infatuation with high test scores will not make your student population smarter.  Fear does not produce lasting results.

When did education become so punitive?  Why do we insist on making children struggle so, building up layer upon layer of anxiety, just to improve test scores by a few percentage points?   I most certainly did not react as I did because I was worried about his test score.  I will acknowledge that administrative pressure was there, even before the first day of school, to always keep CSAP in the back of our minds - but I would just nod my head accordingly, and then go back to my classroom and teach my way.  I never pressured my students, and I kept the pep talks to a minimum in an attempt to ease the pressure..  I only expected for them to do their best.

Learning should be for the sake of learning.  Nothing else.

Wordless Wednesday