The transition to high school..

Jordan's first few couple weeks have passed by and it seems like a pretty easy transition, so far.  Here are a few thoughts...

1.  After 8 years of homeschooling, the whole business of getting a kiddo off to school in the morning feels absolutely foreign to me.  As luck would have it, Jordan is actually very easy to wake and get moving.  He makes his own breakfast and so forth.  All I have to do is roll out of bed, grab my coffee and drive him one whole mile to school.

2.  Rule Change.

     a. Kids can bring cell phones to class.  Hell, they can even use them.  Each teacher has their own rule about phones.  Yes, you can play music during a test. (!)  Yes, you can answer that text, if it is really important.  (!!)  Yes, you can play games on your device if your work is done. (!!!)

     b.  Assignments can be turned in up to a week past due date, for full credit.  Even that is negotiable.

     c.  Poor clothing choices are the norm. (Do these parents ever look at their children before they walk out the door???)

     d.  Students are shockingly rude to their teachers.  Openly giving the finger, refusing to remove an earbud while the teacher is conducting the lesson...  w. o. w.  Everything I hate about the atmosphere of public high schools.

3.  Helicopter parents rejoice!!  The parent portal is hands-down awesome.  I can log on and see Jordan's schedule, see his attendance and know if he was tardy to any class, view his past, current and upcoming assignments and see his grades on everything and know immediately if anything is missing.  I try not to be 'that' parent, but so far it has come in handy when I logged in yesterday for my weekly-lookover and saw that he had a missing assignment from last week.  I texted him immediately.  He was in history, so naturally he texted me back.  I got on to him for missing the assignment AND for texting me back.   He will be spending Labor Day weekend finishing that assignment. :/  I can also log into to his lunch account and see his purchase history.  He's been buying an extra cookie almost every day.

4.  Jordan is experiencing what classroom culture is really like.  Students still pass rude notes.  Now they apparently also video you with their phones while snickering with their friends.  Some kids are nice.  Some are assholes.

5.  Yes, the cafeteria burrito bar is really that bad.

6.  Student assemblies are fun.  And loud.

7.  Bell schedules take some getting used to.

8.  Yes.  Homework before screen time.  Always.  And I know when you have homework.  (awesome!!)


I try to separate my feelings/memories of high school from what he is currently experiencing.  His experience is unique to him.  He is stronger in many ways than I ever was to peer criticism and the desire to fit in.  He confronts those who pester him.  He has made acquaintances, but not necessarily friends.  He often eats lunch alone, but also with a purpose - he has found a quiet corner that he likes to sit at and do his homework so he doesn't have to do it at home.  What parent would complain about that?  I just hope he finds his tribe soon.  It will help when clubs start up...

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... Sunshine and a soft breeze.

I am thinking... About my nephew who is celebrating a birthday today, about my cousin that celebrated a birthday yesterday, and my husband who celebrated his birthday the day before that, the food I need to prepare for a picnic we're attending this afternoon, the massive curriculum order I need to place, the fact that Jordan still needs to complete his homework, the stuff I need to do in preparation for the new season of Cub Scouts that begins this week, and the big change that is happening to our homeschool online platform that is happening in T-minus 38:21 hours, and I still have to figure out how to get 120 invites sent out to our membership.

I am thankful... For the slight change in my medication.  I had a very productive initial Dr. visit with a new psychiatrist last week.  I am currently taking 30mg of Prozac daily, but am feeling 'flat' and unmotivated.  So after reviewing my situation and current mental health, he recommended adding 150mg Wellbutrin to the Prozac.  I've got a long-term low grade depression, layered with a more immediate depression that comes and goes with the times.  The Wellbutrin should help stabilize things and help me with the motivation piece so that I can move beyond the current 'hole' that I feel like I am trapped in right now.  (hole = always feeling like I am behind and overwhelmed, and helpless to stop the cycle).

From the Learning Rooms... The kids and I are about to get into the full swing of things when their curriculum arrives later this week. (hopefully - it is the busy season for that, so shipping may be an issue).  We have been doing math, history and science these past weeks, but I am anxious to get the Language Arts stuff going.  Jordan is doing well with his transition to public high school.  I have a blog post in production about that...

In the kitchen... I am making black-eyed pea dip and monster cookies for the picnic later today.  About 45 people are attending.  That's a whole lotta cookies.

I am wearing... pjs!

I am creating... Trying to decide between Trello, Workflowy, Sticky Notes, Kanban, and Wunderlist as a way to keep track of what I need to do.  Part of why I feel sooo overwhelmed is that I have a lot on my plate, and minimal executive function to keep track of it all.  My old brain injury is rearing it's ugly head and lots of stuff is falling through the cracks.  I have about 40% follow-thru on most stuff right now, because of it.  That is all a part of the vicious cycle that keeps beating down my ability to cope and feel good about myself.

I am going... To a picnic later today with our Ingress friends.  I am looking forward to it - they are a fun bunch of people.

I am wondering... About the great horned owl I heard outside our bedroom window the other night.  It was really neat to hear, but I've never heard an owl in our neighborhood before.  Makes me worry about the neighbor's cat that likes to prowl around.

I am reading... I just finished reading The Bishop's Wife, by Mette Ivie Harrison.  I love murder mysteries, and to add the Mormonism element to it was the icing on the cake, because Mormonism is a mystery all in its self.  I just like reading about things I know little about so that I learn something new.  I read it in two days.  I haven't been lost in a book like that in months.  My husband hates it because I completely ignore everything else when I am absorbed in a book, but I feel it is good for me from time to time.  I need time away from myself, lol...

I am hoping... to get in another 10K steps today.  Yesterday was the first day I managed that in I don't know how long.  I got myself a new FitBit Charge for my birthday earlier this month, and I am loving it!

I am looking forward to... the picnic of course, but not much else this week.  It's a busy week coming up full of stressssssss.  :/  So I am looking forward to next weekend.

I am learning... how to juggle.  Just kidding.  I don't think there are any spare brain cells to think about learning anything right now.

I am hearing... Ghoststories by Coldplay on the headphones, but unfortunately it does not drown out the kids arguing in the kitchen as Rylan is making pancakes and Colin, Owen and Jordan are discussing Geometry Dash.

Around the house... Dog hair.  Lots and lots of dog hair.  Abby's seasonal shed is in full swing.

I am pondering... shaving her.  No, not really.  I made that mistake with my first husky, Kai.  My dad helped my shave her, and she wouldn't look at me for weeks.  I think she felt embarrassed.  Dean keeps threatening to take Abby to the groomers.  I don't think she would like that at. all.

One of my favorite things... A clean kitchen counter.  I managed to get two different areas cleaned up this past week.  The feeling was awesome.  And then kids and husband ruined it all.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Rylan begins a new year of dance this week.  She is taking ballet and jazz again, and luckily they are on the same day, back-to-back, which means one less round trip for me.  yay!  Also, Owen begins his new season of Cub Scouts this week.  I am stepping into the new role of assistant leader of his den this year, because the one from last year quit abruptly early last spring, I am an idiot/glutton for punishment and also because no other parent offered to.  Luckily, Mark, the den leader, is a well-seasoned scout and knows how to run things pretty well - I'm just an extra pair of hands, really.  It is a small group, so hopefully it won't be too much work.  Also, the BSA does an excellent of spelling out everything to do in the manual.  Unlike the Girl Scouts that are so disorganized it's pointless.


Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

My husband, Dean, celebrated birthday #45 on Friday.  The kids and I drove down to his work to take him out to lunch at Oskar Blues.  Yum!

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Doing nothing about everything

I will say that life is good.  Just...good.  I've thoroughly enjoyed my summer of just 'being'.  We had the most minimal schedule - ever.  And it was good.  Actually, it was great.  It was also just about all I could handle.  Last year just sent me into an abyss that seemed to have no bottom.  I'm still working on finding the light.  I came across this quote today, and it is the first thing I have read in a long, long time that adequately explains how I feel most of the time.

Having anxiety and depression is like being scared and tired at the same time.

My oldest is entering high school in T-minus 36 hours, and I feel scared.  Scared that I didn't do enough, teach him enough, counsel him enough - yet I'm tired of constantly worrying about it.  I'm tired of sounding like the broken record I don't want to be.  Tired of thinking about the needs of the kids, when I should be placing some importance on my own needs.  Parenting is overwhelming to me at times - the precarious act of being scared AND tired, constantly.

It's the fear of failure but no urge to be productive.

This is a thousand times worse when you are a stay-at-home parent and a home educator.  It's the time I spend on Pinterest finding all sorts of activities I will never actually do.  It's the evil of perfectionism.  It's my 5 year old that is still working on potty-training.  It's my 7 year old that is still learning to read.  It's my 15 year old that has horrendous table manners.  I take all of these failures very personally.  Even though they are not about me at all, and technically not my failures and the fact that the 7 year old can't read yet is actually pretty normal.  It circles back to scared and tired.  I'm scared that my 15 year old will blow it on the first day of school by spewing food on his classmates during the lunch hour and forever making the wrong impression.  But, I have a serious lack of urge to do anything about it, because, after 10 years of lecturing him on a daily basis about the basics of mealtime decency, he still doesn't 'get it'.  Same with the 5 year old that still has no clue about when to make the effort to get to the bathroom.  It's the half-finished paint job in the open floor plan livingroom/kitchen that is stalled out because all of a sudden I am unsure about the paint color.  Fuck it.  Old spaghetti sauce stains are better than the wrong color of beige, right?  

It's wanting friends but hate socialising.

Facebook is my own worst enemy.  It's the friends that post pictures of fun that doesn't include you, but if they actually had, you wouldn't really have wanted to go anyway because of a thousand different reasons that have nothing to do with not wanting to see your friends.  It's the desperate need to share a coffee with a dear friend, but fear of rejection so you don't ask.  And besides, you're too tired to go through the hassle.

It's wanting to be alone, but not wanting to be lonely.

I'm an introvert, so spending time alone is almost preferred.  Except when the anxiety creeps in that I'm alone too much and afraid that everyone thinks I'm standoffish.  And so then I am a failure at socializing properly, yet to work on it would require effort.

It's caring about everything, then caring about nothing.

I care that my children are fed and clothed and cared for.  Yet....there are days I don't really give a crap if they eat nothing but carrot sticks and popsicles, stay in their pjs and go to bed late.  Some days it is just too difficult to keep the plates spinning.  Ok.. Most days.

It's feeling everything at once then feeling paralysingly numb.

You read about the latest atrocity dealt to innocent people by various terrorist groups.  You feel helpless, hopeless, deeply sad and distressed... and then you feel numb.  You feel the stress of doctor appointments, committee tasks, emails, deadlines, activity schedules - no more so than the average person has to deal with, but for you, it all comes too fast and furious, and you can't process it all, so you retreat to your room and take a nap.  And stay there.  The kids are yelling downstairs....  The dog is barking to be let in...  The cellphone is downstairs but you can hear the ping of text messages coming through.  And still you do not move.  

This has been my mental health struggle for the past several months.  My don't-give-a-shit days number far too many still, but there is gradual improvement.  At the end of the month I will be seeing a new counselor/psychiatrist, and I am pretty sure there will be a med tweak.  I'm currently on Prozac, but I just don't like the side-effects.  I feel 'flat', with little affect, my energy is super low and my weight is going up.  

Now, for the good news, I bought myself a new FitBit for my birthday last week, and I love how it motivates me.  I know that getting back into a regular exercise routine will help me in numerous ways - as long as the fear of failure doesn't get in the way.  I also made the decision to take homeschooling by the horns again - on my own, without Calvert.  I feel like this is a risky move - given my don't-give-a-shit attitude of late, but I can't take any more pressure like I had to put up with last year.

A reflection on Calvert

I'm free!!!

The past few weeks have been pretty hairy.  It was an absolute fight to the finish to get Calvert wrapped up for the year.  I have been keeping mum about Calvert because...well... it's complicated.  It is a sorta-like/hate relationship.  It is everything I despise about one-size-fits-all education, yet it's everything I like about keeping myself accountable and on track.  Which I did a HORRIBLE job at this year.  I can't drag three children, kicking and screaming all the way, on this road to intellectual enlightenment (ha!) if they continuously misplace their books, can never find their pencils, and not get the big picture of what this is all for in the first place.

What we did accomplish this year:

Jordan learned to take notes.  I learned that it is a good idea for me to teach the skill of note-taking.  He learned that turning in late assignments affects your grade.  I learned that I hate having to scan in assignments at 11:59 pm to make the midnight deadline.  He learned that writing isn't so bad.  In fact, Jordan realized that he loved writing.  I learned that Jordan had actually been listening to me for the past eight years every time we approached writing, composition, grammar and so forth - because his 'voice' in his writing is fantastic and he really knows how to construct a good sentence.  Sentence diagramming is difficult and makes us both tear our hair out.  (The geek in me though secretly loves it). NaNoWriMo, assigned by his Calvert teacher, was especially helpful in drawing out his writing voice.  Writing a short story was something I would never in a million years have asked him to do, and yet it was because of Calvert that we both made this discovery!   He learned algebra.  I learned that I still remember algebra. (happy dance)  Jordan learned how to type faster.  falls out of chair laughing.  He went from 25 wpm to an astounding 29 wpm! Jordan earned his 8th grade diploma, and will be moving on to public high school next year.

Rylan learned that dropping your pencil on the floor 518,397 times a day does not get you out of your schoolwork.  She learned how to spell 'people' and 'because'.  Rylan learned multiplication, just don't ask her to do it at anytime other than when she is in the mood.  Which is never.  Rylan learned to contort her body into 37 different pretzel shapes while sitting in her chair, all of which face away from the desk, and coincidentally, away from her schoolwork.  Rylan read two novels this year - and has quite the reading pile for the summer.  She also took an avid interest in ASL, after reading a short story in her reading anthology about a deaf boy going to a concert.  I may need to pursue this for her.  Rylan loved her online teacher and her classmates, so she wants to do this all over again next year.  The social bits, of course.  NOT the schoolwork.  

Owen learned to read.  This accomplishment alone is what kept me going through the darkest of schooling hours this year.  Several times in the past couple of weeks, he has read signs around town, carefully sounding things out.  This makes my heart sing.  He loves his online teacher, his class, and anything to do with math.  He has learned to like holding a pencil, and writing with it.  (just a little).  He loves to draw and paint.  He is more than willing to sit down and do schoolwork, as long as it doesn't interfere with his Minecraft or lego building time.  Which is never.  Which is why I can't ever get him to work with me for longer than 2 minutes without a fight.

This year has been full of tears, lots of yelling on everyone's parts, lots of high-fives, cajoling, swearing (under my breath), deal-making, begging, pleading, a-ha moments... unfortunately the bad is far out-weighing the good.  It's partly the program and partly me.  I've been lax, lazy, disinterested, and fighting my own battles.  The spillover has not been pretty.  Some serious soul-searching needs to take place this summer about what the next step will be.

All I know is that this is not how I envisioned how our homeschool experience would go.  Eight years into this journey, my (our) primary purpose has always been and always will be to put childhood first.  Play (and not the screen type) has as much - if not more importance in shaping a child's mind, than worksheets, descriptive paragraphs and addition problems.  I don't like the complicated, regimented, competitive and petty environment of public schools - in the younger grades, especially.  At the high school level, these social stepladders do have *some* merit, I suppose, when it comes to beginning to discover who you are and what you are made of.  I also know that these lessons don't only happen within the confines of a classroom.

The work Calvert requires of the kids is not inspiring, with the exception of Jordan's reading curriculum.  Hands down, that was fabulous stuff that has helped us cover so much literary knowledge this year.  Otherwise, the caliber of the rest of the curriculum is... meh.  I am pretty disappointed, actually.  It was actually painful to shelve all of our tried-and-true stuff last year when it came time to unbox the Calvert books after they arrived.  Throughout the entire school year I constantly found myself referring back to our other curriculum for this and that, because it was just so much better.  I am confident in Jordan's abilities because of what we used in the past.  Jordan has been the model student all these years, as we have traveled this homeschooling route.  He's done the work when asked and without question, and performs very well when the time comes to assess his knowledge and skills.  The younger three kids have so many issues I don't even know where to begin.  In reflecting on their behavior this past year, a lot of it comes down to a sense of entitlement that they have.  They feel that they are entitled to their free time, so schoolwork has become a secondary, painful experience for them - and having very boring, worksheet-style learning as the primary source of instruction is NOT helping that situation.

So I have a lot of thinking to do.  I'm doing some major decompressing at the moment, which is good for me.  Our calendar is completely blank, with the exception of a weekly violin lessons and the occasional field trip.  I'm not even having the kids do swim lessons.  I can tell I am feeling more than a little shell-shocked from the stress of this school year.  This is a huge sign for me that maaaaaybe Calvert isn't the best fit for us.

Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... It is a gray, drizzly kind of day, and I love it.  We haven't had many of these this spring, so I am more than happy to curl up with a hot cup of coffee and a book.  Call me crazy, but we didn't get nearly enough snowy days this winter.

I am thinking... Oh my goodness.  If I had a penny for every deep thought that I've had over the past couple of months I would be a rich woman.  I didn't express those thoughts here, though, because they were more fragmented than ever, and they came and went like the tide.  I've been experimenting with finding the right dose of Prozac that could keep me functional, not TOO 'flat', yet safely on this side of the depression abyss, and other additional measures as well .  I think I've found the right Rx (for me): 30 mg/day of Prozac, B-12, 2-3 daily walks, plenty of sunshine, very little social media (Facebook *maybe* once a week) and very little exposure to the news (akin to living under a rock).  The Prozac was hard to figure out, initially, but I knew I was on the right track when the panic attacks stopped, the racing heart stopped and I could successfully fend off a downward spiral when exposed to something negative.  Anything used to trigger it: a potentially negative personal comment, a sad news story, a bill, an email that required action from me, a Facebook post of friends having fun with other friends (a huge cue for immediate "exclusion" feelings and subsequent pity-party).  I've found that (for the most-part) I have this almost tangible sensation of potential triggers just rolling off my back now, but I still do everything I can to limit my exposure to them in the first place.

As for the functional bit, I'm 'here' and mostly present, but I am still struggling with a very potent don't-give-a-shit attitude.  Kid's behind in their lessons?  so what?  Dirty dishes, dirty laundry, dirty house?  Yep.  And?  Unopened mail...about two month's worth.  And your point is??  If there is any drawback to the meds, it's this.  I just. don't. give. a. rat's. ass..  I'll get it done.  When I get it done.  Don't make me work on your imaginary deadline.

Depression is a nasty business.  What am I so depressed about?  That is a hard question to answer when I have to really struggle to think about when was it that I last felt really good about how my life was going.  I think that the last time I felt the most 'together' and happy was the time period while I was getting my college degree in 2000-2003.  My personal life wasn't all roses as I struggled with huge surges of good and bad feelings as my then live-in boyfriend of 8 years had yet to propose to me, but my school life was awesome.  It is hard to put into words, but the 'feeling' of it coincides with a popular concept: flow.  When you engage in your work, when you live it, breathe it, don't notice the time pass, forget to eat and your brain is constantly churning with ideas, you are in flow.  I was in flow the entire time I was in school.  My classes, my writing, my projects, my lessons.  All flow.  It was the most incredible experience.  I graduated magna cum laude, and yes, I worked very hard to earn that, but it didn't feel like work, you know?  And then it ended.  The flow ended.  My boyfriend proposed (under duress), we graduated, we got jobs, we moved and bought a bigger house, we got married in April 2004 and he left me three weeks later, then I found out he had been having an affair for the entire year prior, my teaching job was good but the principle was horrible....  The flow was gone, my self-esteem was completely shot, and it all went to hell.

BUT, the last ten years have been very, very good to me.  I met Dean in 2005, we got married five months later and became an instant family with his son Jordan, then had three more kids of our own.  We are happy - very happy.  Our relationship has always been healthy and loving and the kids are smart, funny, silly and obnoxious.  I get the immense joy of staying home and homeschooling.  I mean that - it brings me immense joy.  At first I had to work through feelings of loss and inequality when I lost my job and became a non-wage earner for the first time ever, but Dean has been unbelievably supportive.  I've grown into my role and I relish it.

Despite how good these years have been, I've never found my emotional footing again...and I'm still not there yet. I think that is where the depression comes from.  I mean, how could it not?  Picture ten years ago - and I am absolutely emotionally crushed.  I don't know what I did wrong the first time around with marriage, and then I am extremely lucky to find Dean and fall in love again.  And I am afraid, every day, of screwing up and losing it all over again.  The fear is always there.  And then I added more to the pile.  Motherhood.  Homeschooling.  I always worry that I am not good enough.  I think that years and years of feeling that way have taken their toll.  The panic attacks started.  The thoughts that I just wanted to run away.  Or end my life.  That is where I drew the line.  Never were the feelings strong enough to act on them, but the fact that they were there meant it was time to get help.

These past few months have been much better.  Like I said, the panic attacks have ended.  Thoughts of suicide have ended.  I don't go into tail-spins anymore.  My PMS isn't absolute hell anymore.  But, I don't like the 'flatness', I experience.  I am slow to act from an emotional state.  A child crying?  It takes me longer to muster an appropriate response.  I recently had a falling out with my mom, due to my behavior.  It has been resolved, but I am still slow to recover lost ground with her.

My thoughts about depression have run deep and wide over the past few months, but I didn't feel like sharing them, and I didn't think anyone would care to read them.  Life is better.  I look forward to the day when I feel absolute joy again, without any heaviness in my heart.

And, it is a joy to report that for the first time in the past 11 years, April has been a totally different experience for me.  This year spring meant something entirely different.  I have let go of April and what it used to mean - and that is a huge step in the right direction.

I am thankful... for my husband.  I am so glad that even though he went through absolute hell in his first marriage, that he can be a rock for me and let me work through what I needed to work through.  He has always been there with words of love, encouragement and wisdom.  We are approaching our ten year wedding anniversary, and it feels like a real mile-stone for me in so many ways.  As the barriers and walls around my vulnerabilities fall away, I feel like my connection to him has deepened, immensely.  Our meeting and courtship may have been short and unconventional, but we've made it work all this time and formed a relationship that can only be described as a true, united partnership firmly grounded in love and equality.  I thank the Universe every day that Dean is in my life.

From the Learning Rooms... I still have a like/hate relationship with Calvert.  Note I did not say 'love'.  Goodness this year has been a struggle.  We have gone through tears, gnashing of teeth and more pencils than I can count.  It has been a good experience and the kids have learned a lot, but I am not sure to what expense yet, and I am not sure it has been worth it.  I have renewed our enrollment for next year, but I am still on the fence if we will for sure continue with it or not.

In the kitchen... Pumpkin bread this morning.  A cold, rainy morning calls for pumpkin bread.

I am wearing... pj's and a sweater.

I am creating... Lots of projects on hold until we are finished with Calvert, so nothing really to report.

I am going... to take Jordan out shortly to purchase a birthday present for a friend, and then deliver him to the party.

I am wondering... Why dogs must circle three times before lying down.

I am reading... "Manage Your Day-to-Day: Build Your Routine, Find Your Focus & Sharpen Your Creative Mind",  published by 99U/Behance, edited by Jocelyn K. Glei.    It is a compendium of different authors all giving advice about working through distractions, getting into a routine and creating healthy habits with email, social media and making time for creative/productive work a priority.  One of the best passages I've come across is this, in regards to why email is so addictive: 

"I think that e-mail and social networks are a great example of random reinforcement.  Usually, when we pull the lever to check our e-mail, it's not that interesting.  But, from time to time, it's exciting.  And that excitement, which happens at random intervals, keeps us coming back to check our e-mail all the time." - Dan Ariely

That is soooo Facebook.  Most of the time it is ads, political or social rants, or brag/selfie fests.  (kid-bragging is okay in my book, as long as it isn't excessive).  Only every once in awhile is it a truly funny story or captivating thought, or a good way to keep tabs on what relatives and friends are doing.  I have unfollowed a slew of 'friends' in the past few weeks, just so that I could curtail what I saw in my feed, and so I could increase the odds of seeing something good or worthwhile when I pulled the lever, so to speak. :)

In the garden... Just bought a lot of veggie plants yesterday.  Sixteen tomatoes, 4 peppers and 4 jalapenos.  It is too rainy to work in the garden today, but over the week I am sure there will be some sunny days to get them in, and put up wall-o-waters to keep them safe from frost until mid-May.

I am hoping... My motivation is pretty high today (hence the blog post ;), so I hope to get at least one mail pile sorted and dealt with, and a lesson or two finished with each kid.

I am looking forward to... a family bike ride with the scout troop tomorrow night to Dairy Queen, and then next weekend is the first family fun run for the upcoming season of Healthy Kids Fun Runs.  I think I can slow jog for most of it.

I am learning... About a new presentation program that is similar to Power Point, called Prezi.  Rylan has a presentation to give in her online class in a couple of weeks.  Her presentation will be on artistic styles, and she will show some of her completed projects.

I am hearing... Coldplay's Ghost Stories.  It is my go-to background writing music.

Around the house...  Colin is using a pool floatie as a hula hoop (he must have retrieved it from the garage), Owen is building with Legos, Jordan is pulling together his scout uniform for an event later today, Dean is doing the same, and Colin is now stealing the rest of my coffee.  :/

I am pondering... the advantages of writing out your feelings, vs. holding them, processing them, and then letting them go.  Both seem advantageous.

One of my favorite things... A rainy day.

A few plans for the rest of the week... The bike ride, the fun run and of course a bunch of schoolwork.

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Have I mentioned how much I love the rain?

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A Boy Turns 5...

I never did post about your birthday last year..  I was so excited for that birthday because you were turning four.  Four is my most absolute favorite age.  Fours are curious, increasingly independent, creative, caring and their verbal skills grow by leaps and bounds.  And you did all of those things! and more....  Last year nearly killed me - about a thousand times over.  It nearly killed you, as well.  If anything, it is amazing that you were lucky enough to reach five.  ;)  Your never-ending, almost suicidal curiosity put my graying-hair into overdrive.  Your never-ending potty-training, mess-making, getting-into-things-you-shouldn't put me back on anti-depressants.  That's okay.  We'll get there buddy.  Let's be glad that you don't go to preschool, where the potty training would present a serious problem.  Your difficulty in this department gives me a clue as to just how BUSY your mind is.

Five will be a year of huge growth for you.  You are building with Legos like a champ.  You love to draw, you love to count and you repeat the things Owen is working on with his schoolwork.  I think that once you and I are ready to start formal school work later this year, you will do really well.

I love your love of life.  You are the epitome of 'gusto'.  You rode your first roller coasters a few weeks ago (Space Mountain was your favorite) when we visited Lego Land and Disneyland, and you LOVED it.  You loved the ocean, but oddly enough, only your toes got wet - as that was enough for you.  You watched the Star Wars trilogy (eps. 4,5 and 6) for the first time during the trip to CA and back, and you were hooked.  Star Wars-themed play has been a daily event ever since.  In a few weeks you will go skiing for the first time.  I will stay home with Owen, but I will worry about you every second.  I know you are breakable - you broke your leg last year.  As long as I live I will always think of you as vulnerable...fragile.  You are a big, strong boy with a big heart, but I can't shake that urge to be overprotective.  You insist on climbing tall trees, jumping down from high places, swimming in deep water, and constantly elude my radar and ride in the car without fastening your carseat belts.  Mayhem is your middle name.

This year will be another wild ride, I'm sure...

update: I've now posted a post-dated blog post about Colin's 4th.  I was riddled with guilt over that draft that has been sitting in my blog queue for a year now.

Driving Home

We drove home over yesterday and today.  Colin, Rylan and I aren't feeling too swift and I think we are all a little worn out from the fun.  The drive was uneventful and full of beautiful scenery - after we reached Utah.  I can't say much that is nice about the scenery in California.  The mountains are scrubby and plain, and the high desert is sort of plain as well.  The Joshua trees are pretty, though.  We spent the night in Cedar City again, and then made the drive over the mountains to get home.  Colorado has had a rough few days of bone-chilling cold, so I am glad we were in California for the duration!

Dean and I finished all of Serial, and then combed the internet looking for any updates.  The open ending was frustrating, but I was already prepared for that since it was splashed all over social media.  I think Jay had a hand in it, and that Adnan had more to do with it than he is saying.  It will be interesting to see what the Innocence Project turns up.

We're glad to be home, but so glad that we had the opportunity to finally vacation with our family!