Sorting it all out...

Failing to sort anything out pretty much defined all of last year. And the year before that. And before that. And....before that.

 

Perhaps I should look to Owen for inspiration.

 

He is really good at sorting. He's my OCD child. He sorted out the entire contents of his Christmas stocking. He lined his socks up in a row, separated out the peppermints from the chocolates, and promptly packed away his new toothpaste and Sponge Bob body wash in his duffle bag. He was very concerned about making sure that all of his new things would make their way home from Oklahoma. He is also the boy that is adamant about fresh underwear morning and night. And sometimes even in between. He is methodical about E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

 

I am a Type-A borderline OCD, living a life that does not lend itself well to those tendencies.

1. I totally over-schedule myself.

2. I am mean to myself by constantly give myself negative feedback.

3. I am totally undisciplined when it comes to taking care of the household and the people who live there.

4. I have let chaos prevail for too long and the ruts down this bumpy road are very deep.

5. I have let perfectionism completely cripple my ability to get anything done.

 

I know I am the p**rfect candidate for Fly Lady, but I have yet to really make a go of using her system. Since I have been living in a constant state of pitting my natural tendencies toward a totally chaotic reality, it is no wonder that I have been fighting off an ever-worsening level of depression.

 

Why I haven't been able to turn this ship around, I do not know. Lots of thoughts have been swirling around in my head as I think about how to solve this, and it all comes back to sorting. Sorting out the priorities. Schooling and at least some semblance of order is the most important priority for me, but why am I allowing everything else in life to interfere with it? Most likely it is because it is not happening as I would envision it.

My ideal: A morning or afternoon spent investigating a subject, in a clean and organized environment. We would read a story, watch a short video, do a little experiment, write about it, and then craft something. All the while smiling and being pleasant. (Snort.)

My reality: I can't find my papers, they can't find their notebook/pencil/ruler/whiteboard. I sit down with token child and immediately the dog wants out, a poopy diaper has manifested itself, the phone rings, my husband texts me, an irate email has to be dealt with, I forgot a bill that has to be paid NOW, the karate gis need to be washed for the lesson that begins in 90 minutes, the toddler has located a sharp implement, is drawing on the walls or is clearing off every shelf of neatly folded clothes in the closet, and the XYZ needs fresh batteries. Oh - and let's not forget the 70+ decibel level of noise going on in the background of bickering kids, toys and electronic devices.

 

My knee-jerk reaction is to curl up and cover my ears. Which is pretty much what I have been doing for the past several months. Instead of dealing with it, or writing introspectively about it or hiring a nanny/tutor/housekeeper, I've been escaping into anything I can lay my hands on. Books, iPad games (Hay Day anyone? I'm averaging 3-4 hours a day...disgusting!) and reading about how other moms are able to get things done, and secretly hating them. It's not the life I want to live. It's not the environment I want to spend any length of time in. And I am sure that the rest of the family feels the same - we are just have a great deal of difficulty landing our finger on exactly where the problem lies - because there are issues wherever we look!

 

There is visual chaos - nobody puts anything away. There is crap on every single surface in this house.

There is verbal chaos - the chosen way to communicate is through yelling. (Not always in anger - it's just the only way to be heard when six voices are sounding off at once, from various locations in the house.

There is auditory chaos - music, tv and computer, (often all at the same time) is a constant. Along with endless kid squabbling. This one is especially hard for me - I crave silence.

There is scheduling chaos - too many kids, too many interests. And only one car.

There is schooling chaos. As great as I am in developing grand plans in my head, and purchasing the magic bullet curriculum, I am lousy, LOUSY I tell you!, at actually implementing, well...anything?

There is financial chaos - we are still operating on a cash-only basis (YES!), but we have come to the edge of our own little personal fiscal cliff many times in the past year because we aren't budgeting like we know we ought to or keeping tabs on our checking account. We've emptied the Emergency Fund three times - for no reason other than to buy stuff with money we shouldn't have been spending in the first place.

There is internal chaos. I am really good at bringing myself down. I constantly berate myself for being a lousy wife, mother, daughter, sister, teacher, cook, housekeeper and friend. I don't get out much and I have difficulty maintaining friendships because I am lousy at it - who wants to stay friends with a boring, introverted frump? Yes, I am very, very mean to myself. (Now stop it!)

I have yet to do my New Year's retrospective post (let alone post pictures from my summer garden, the pumpkin patch, Santa visit or even get the damn Christmas cards out...), but I guess this is as good a place as any to state my intention for this year. I have no idea what I stated as my intention for last year, but I'm sure I missed the mark by a mile (see? I can't stop being mean to myself). My intention is to sort it out this year. Sort out the problems by exposing the deeper issue and dealing with it.





(Just as soon as I harvest my crops, milk the cows and fill up my boat order....)

 

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The Tooth Fairy visits Rylan

Rylan's top front two teeth have been loose since just a couple of days before Thanksgiving. We have been coaching her for weeks about how to wiggle them to loosen them further (you could even see her gums moving back and forth) but they wouldn't budge. She even tried falling face first on the couch to see if that would knock them out. She always braced herself with her elbows, so it wasn't very effective. Rylan has also consumed more carrots and apples in recent weeks then what seems humanly possible. I was just itching to sing a certain Christmas song to her - but would it happen in time?

We left for OKC on the morning of the 22nd, (only) five hours behind schedule. We had skipped breakfast in the effort to keep shoving stuff in the car, so we pulled away from home half-starved. After a quick stop at the Starbucks down the street, we dug into the stash of snacks. Rylan and I had shopped for the trip the day before, and had picked up a dozen of the velvety soft, slightly chewy cinnamon rolls from the Great Harvest Bread Co. with the plan in mind that we would eat them for breakfast. So we passed out the rolls and dug in. I was on the phone with my mom to let her know we were finally heading out of town, when I heard a shout from the far back seat. I looked back and saw Rylan looking stunned, excited and a little scared, as she triumphantly held out a tooth. We pulled over on a side street, and congratulated Rylan and took some pictures of her new smile.

 

What I love best is that we were all there with her when it happened - even grandma was on the phone! And that night she got a hug from her grandparents in Oklahoma, who were excited that they would be hosting the Tooth Fairy in their home.

 

Tooth Fairy? (Gulp). I had intended on making a special little pillow for the sole purpose of keeping a tooth safe and secure until the Tooth Fairy arrived to take it. And what is the standard exchange rate for first teeth? I know we went through this whole process with Jordan, but I don't even remember it now... And ever since his mother spoiled the whole Santa Claus/Tooth Fairy/Easter Bunny thing when he was at the tender age of barely nine (yeah, I'm STILL pissed about that), we didn't do the tooth under the pillow thing anymore.

 

After consulting all things Google, we settled on $4.00, but golden dollar coin procurement would have to wait until the 24th, when the banks were open. So, on the 24th, with kids in tow and a long shopping list to contend with as well, we visited bank after bank in search of coins - which was so much fun, considering all of the holiday traffic. I think we visited seven banks in all, in the effort to secure four measly coins. They must be a hot item during the holidays.

 

Rylan and I worked on her letter to the Tooth Fairy late that afternoon, and agreed that taping the tooth to the letter would be okay - that way it would not get lost. (And bleary-eyed parents would not have to fish for it).

 

So the society of Mythical Figures had to work overtime on Christmas Eve, with both Santa AND the Tooth Fairy visiting on the same night. The Tooth Fairy arrived, fist-bumped his pal Santa, and made his way to Rylan's bedside with the four coins wrapped in tissue paper (which seemed like a perfectly fine idea at 1 a.m.), and made the exchange. (Yeah, you read that right. Santa is a SHE, and the Tooth Fairy is a HE, in our line-up of parental duties).

 

Early the next morning (too early in my opinion), I heard the crinkly sounds of tissue paper as Rylan discovered her package. (I still remember that feeling of excitement, when I was her age). I heard her fiddle with it (probably trying to figure out what it was), and then a gasp as realization hit. She carefully opened it and counted out her coins. She made no mention that the tooth was gone or anything like that - she was just so excited that the Tooth Fairy had left her money. She proudly showed her little brothers the coins, and Owen was visibly impressed and excited for Rylan.

 

And Rylan swears that the toothpaste and toothbrushes that came out of the stockings that morning were left by the Tooth Fairy... And not the Tooth Elf - Santa's personal dentist, as we have led her to believe.


 

 

And the other tooth? Still hanging on. Maybe Valentine's Day?

 

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Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

 

Outside my window... A gray skies kind of day. There is snow in the mountains, but not here. I think we may get some snow this coming Wednesday. Dean and Jordan are on their way home from a short scout ski trip as we speak, so they are driving through the snow on their way home.


I am thinking... About Connecticut. I've heard about the selfless act of one of the adult victims - a teacher who hid some of her students in a closet in order to protect them. I can recall several meetings about lock-downs and threat assessment during my teaching days. I hated the drills - it was nerve-wracking to hear someone trying your classroom door to see if it was locked. I had four points of entry to my classroom. Only one of the doors - the outside door - was the one that I had the ability to secure with a key. The other three were interior doors that I had to rely on other teachers to do their part in securing access to our annex. I. hated. that. I even kept a large cabinet behind my desk clear from clutter. That way I could stuff my students in there if I had too. I would often lay awake at night playing out different scenarios in my head about how I would escape with the kids if 'this' or 'that' happened. Aren't teachers supposed to lay awake at night creating neat lesson ideas rather than plans on how to escape a deranged gunman? What a messed up world....


I am thankful... That I have four beautiful, healthy children. And that I have the freedom to school them at home. I can't emphasize the depth of gratitude in these statements enough.


From the Learning Rooms... Rylan can now officially count to 100. I think she has been able to do it for awhile now, but we never just did an official run-through of all of the numbers. We have practiced counting here and there, but not like in drill-and-kill fashion. The pride she feels is immense - she did most of the work! She is also writing down practically everything. Just now she wrote herself a reminder note that a SpongeBob Christmas special is coming on tonight. She paused the tv and copied down the time and title of the show, lol.... I guess we better not forget it will be on!


In the kitchen... Sweet rolls from a friend who dropped them by last night (a very welcomed Christmas gift - thank you Kierra!!), and yogurt.


I am wearing... silk long johns... It's cold this morning!


I am creating... We are finishing the bathroom this afternoon, as soon as Dean and Jordan arrive home! We just need to finish installing the molding, toilet and vanity/sink combo and hang the mirror. I can't wait!!

I am going... Nowhere today... yeah!


I am wondering... why... Why...WHY???


I am reading... Still nothing. I think I am in dire need of some escapism though..


In the garden... I just realized I still have my carrots in the ground.. and a couple of wayward beets. We have had a couple of good freezes now, so they should be nice and sweet. Time to harvest!


I am hoping... To get the bathroom done by tonight. We SHOULD be able to do it... but you never know.


I am looking forward to... An early Christmas with my mom tomorrow night.


I am learning... How to put some of my homeschool planning spreadsheets onto Google docs so that I can access them on my iPad during vacation next week.


I am hearing... After Hours, by We Are Scientists on Spotify


Around the house... Rylan and Owen are watching SpongeBob, Colin is in the playroom, Abby is sleeping on her pillow and Kitty is somewhere upstairs.. on a bed probably. No patches of sunshine to sleep in today...


I am pondering... When I will actually acknowledge the fact that we are leaving in five days, and that I should really begin packing...


One of my favorite things... Christmas movies. We watched all three Santa Clause movies yesterday.


A few plans for the rest of the week... Dinner/presents with mom tomorrow night, the usual violin/karate/dance class line-up, ice skating with the girl scouts, wine and dessert with bookclub friends, my Uncle Buzz's Celebration of Life service on Friday, followed by a holiday tap show performance of Rylan's that evening. We leave for OKC bright and early the next morning!!


Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...


Rylan and I attended a Girl Scout Holiday Tea yesterday. We enjoyed many teatime treats, made some crafts and sang Christmas carols. It was a very pleasant time indeed, and I enjoyed spending time with my beautiful, sweet daughter.

 

 

 

 


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Grief

Today just sucked.  I am in no way, shape or form able to handle grief at the moment.  I have done my best to shy away from email, Facebook and even the blog just to help keep my emotional stability from crumbling.  Until today.  No matter how hard you try to avoid the daily news, it will eventually find you.  And some other parent's sad reality makes you feel instantly vulnerable.  I just have to remember (to paraphrase an insightful comment on a friend's Facebook post earlier today) that the trauma is their reality, not yours.   As hard as it is to witness another parent's anguish, we should not allow events like that to cloud our own lives with fear and anger.

Yeah, right.

My worst fear is random violence. 

The 'what if's' keep me awake at night...every night.

I don't like crowds, I don't like big places, and I don't like small, cramped places either...with only one visible exit.  I have to actively avoid the media-hype about events such as the school shooting today (well, it's after midnight, but I'm still up, so it's still technically 'today'), just so that I don't come down with a severe case of never-leave-the-house-againitis.  Everybody looks somewhat suspicious to me.

I went on Facebook tonight because I needed to check on a couple of things.  I was not going to scan my feed, because I knew it would just be a lengthy commentary on sadness.  But -

The first thing in my feed was this...

"In the wake of the unimaginable tragedy today in Connecticut, I hope this image can help bring some tiny ounce of comfort to those affected. It's called "Security". The only consolation at this point for those children is that they are now safe in his arms, Secure in His love. Its times like now when that assurance Jesus Christ offers really matters."
 

The second was this...



"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of 'disaster,' I remember my mother’s words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers - so many caring people in this world." -- Mister Rogers

 

The third thing was this...a picture posted by my cousin, Rob.

 



 

My Uncle 'Buzz' and Aunt Janet
Uncle Buzz passed away on 12/3/12

 

 

This is when I officially lost it.  I was rocking Colin to sleep, and trying to sob as quietly as possible.  I've cried a few tears over the past several days, but it is disquieting to cry in front of the kids... and so you stuff your grief way down and get on with the lessons, errands, dishes and laundry of the day.  The tears have subsided for now, but I think I just need to go on a media blackout for awhile... it hurts too much.

 

I am not particularly religious, but the image of an innocent child being welcomed into the comforting arms of Jesus... well... it's powerful.  Those final moments of those poor children's lives were undeniably horrific.  It helps ease my grief to think that they are safe and at peace - wherever their souls may be.  Damn it... they were just babies!!!

 

 

 

 

 



The Nutcracker

 

Saturday night was Rylan's Nutcracker performance with the Loveland Dance Academy. She was one of the Reed Flutes (3rd from the left in above pic). Her class started learning their dance in October. There were about five extra evening practices (at a half hour each), a technical rehearsal, a dress rehearsal, and then the performance itself. So, not bad at all in the whole scheme of things. I'm sure the older the performer gets the longer the rehearsal time. For me though, I was a mess for the past six weeks. I was constantly checking my calendar for fear I was forgetting an extra rehearsal or something. I am very relieved it is now over.

 

The performance itself was absolutely wonderful. There are a ton of very talented dancers at this academy. I like that the classes are not too strict or rigorous, and that the instructors are dedicated but not snooty. I didn't really interact with too many of the moms up until the Nutcracker, but from what I can tell, there are only a small handful of 'dance moms'. They are the ones in yoga pants who constantly pick apart their daughter's appearance and loudly complain about the 'No Glitter' rule for stage make-up. The fact that their six year old can apply tube lipstick w/o help is scary to me.

 

When I first asked Rylan about the possibility of her dancing in the Nutcracker (there are no try outs - if you want to dance, you pay a small fee and you're in) she freaked out about the thought of dancing on a stage in front of people. But when it came time, she walked out on stage and did not look a whit nervous. I credit karate for that. Rylan has gained loads of confidence, and she felt that she could comfortably perform in front of a hundred people (after sizing up the auditorium). But if it was a 101, that was too many.

 

We were extremely lucky to get front row seats, so she knew exactly where we (Dean and I, my mom, and my dad and step mom) were sitting. She came out on stage, and just had a huge smile on her face. When they reached a part in their routine where they came up to stage front, she gave a little wave... hehe. I think she has caught the performance bug! It is intoxicating!

 

 

Afterwards, Dean presented her with flowers and a Nutcracker doll. She has wanted a Nutcracker ever since mom and I took her to see the Nutcracker last year. At the time, I was thinking in the back of my mind that this would be a fitting way to give her one. So I told her that she gets a Nutcracker for a Nutcracker (performance). Then Dean piped up that we should being labeling the year on the underside. Just how many of these is she going to rack up?

 

 

By the looks of it...a lot.

 

 

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Simple Woman's Daybook Entry

Outside my window... A semi-cloudy day, with chilly temperatures. The smoke that was so bad last weekend and then on and off again all week has cleared for the most part. There is a forest fire burning in RMNP, about 30 miles away. The fire has been burning for two months, but dry weather and strong winds have hampered efforts to put it out. Last Saturday it traveled 3 miles in 35 minutes. I can't even begin to tell you how strange it is to smell smoke from a fire... in DECEMBER. What a year!

I am thinking... My goodness... tons of stuff.
1. I'm sad, tired and desperately need more sleep.

2. I'm frustrated and angry with an inlaw that lives out of state that has been sending threatening emails to the entire family. He is delusional and we worry for the safety of his wife and children.

3. I am tired of spending every ounce of free time (?) catering to individuals who have no freakin' idea how to operate their email, answer SIMPLE questions, and locate their spam folders and so on and so on. I have logged countless hours of computer time in the past six weeks alone, attending to our homeschool group's Yahoo site and I'm so sick of it. If you are computer illiterate - DON'T join a web-based support group! Arrggh! On the other hand, we had a very nice parent social/meeting a couple nights ago, and we got an incredible amount of ideas generated for co-ops and team building - just by virtue of having spouses there too. I am also sure that the beer and yummy munchies helped... I am so thankful for the longtime friends that I have made in this group - it's been wonderful sharing the educational/parenting triumphs and challenges over the years. Now if we could just offload the 80+ members that do absolutely nothing but ignore emails or complain, things would be awesome.

4. My uncle's passing. It is still a shock. His burial was yesterday. My aunt has an amazing amount of strength and I hope these coming weeks aren't too difficult for her as she adjusts to her New Normal.

5. Trying to come up with a game plan for Christmas in OKC. It is coming together, but it is still hard to pack up Christmas and hold it in another location, when little ones are involved. It is also hard because I am as about far removed from the Christmas spirit as you can get...

I am thankful... That we are making good progress on the bathroom. The flooring is in, the drywall repair/texture/painting is done and the new light fixture is in. I am also thankful for the wonderful 'Second Thanksgiving' meal that we shared with my mom last Friday night. We all lamented about how we miss the traditional Thanksgiving leftovers, so we decided that we needed a do-over. I slow-cooked some turkey breasts in 2 different Crock pots (turned out awesome) and made mashed potatoes & gravy, candied yams, stuffing, roasted carrots, rolls, green beans and mint fudge. Mom brought her wonderful cranberry salad and a cranberry-apple pie. Oh it was a good meal. We had leftovers, and a big pot of turkey noodle soup. Now it's all gone... and it was sooo good.


From the Learning Rooms... It always feels like not enough time is spent here because it seems like we are NEVER home. Schooling can't be done in fits and spurts as far as I am concerned - we have absolutely no continuity. A change needs to be made here!! Owen is working on the alphabet. That poor boy is getting the shortest end of the stick, I'm afraid. He is getting most of his instruction time on the iPad, with a wonderful alphabet app from Reading Eggs. I just wish it was from me... Rylan is making awesome progress on the violin. She has learned all of the fingerings for Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and has good recall on some introductory music terminology. Jordan is reading The Hobbit.


In the kitchen... We just made a major change here. After months, if not years, of lamenting that whenever it is meal time and the kids sit at the kitchen table and Dean and I sit on the comfy living room chairs and we all watch tv - the horrible table manners that were developing were becoming a big issue. So. We finished clearing out the front room that was historically the playroom, then the office, then a pseudo playroom/empty room to trash with random toys and mismatched furniture, I cleared it out and cleaned the carpet. And then I moved the kitchen table into that room. At first there were massive protests from the kids. (And the adults lamented it too.) But it had to be done. And guess what? It's NICE! We have the Christmas tree sitting right by the table, (in front of the window), a small bookcase that is filled with all of our games so that family game night is once-again a possibility, a mirror for a little glitter and gleam, and the table and chairs. And THAT'S IT. Finally a room that is not over-stuffed with furniture! It's clean, streamlined, and simple. It's now my favorite room in the house. :) In the very near future we will rip out the horrendously stained carpet in that room and replace it with the same flooring that we have put in the bathroom.

 

 

 

I am wearing... Well, I'm sitting in the parent bleachers at karate, so I am sure as hell not in my pjs... Saturday morning attire: jeans, shirt, fleece jacket and bags under the eyes.


I am creating... Other than the bathroom, nothing at the moment.


I am going... Home as soon as karate is done. I have to come back to Loveland for the matinee performance of the Nutcracker this afternoon since I am a parent helper for a group of dancers. Then I come home, change, and load everybody up. We drop the boys off with a wonderful family friend who has offered to watch them for the evening, and then we head down to Loveland again to watch the evening performance of the Nutcracker, when Rylan will be dancing. She is a Reed Flute dancer. I sat through 5 hours of rehearsal yesterday (ugh) but I did get to see her dance from backstage, which was pretty cool. I will be sooo glad to be done with all of these extra rehearsals!!!

 

 

I am wondering... About my writing mojo. It's still missing. I'm really trying, but downtime does not exist anymore. The snippets of time between activities are spent shuffling laundry from one location to the other, gathering things for the next thing, and feeling depressed about it. I can't shut up my inner negative voice for anything. So writing when one is depressed and tired isn't fun. I don't want to write about it, and I doubt you want to hear it...

I am reading... Nothing for me..there is no time. For the kids we are managing a Christmas story here and there. I hate that. I so hate that. Reading is the most import thing we should be doing, and instead it comes last.


In the garden... Has now been relegated to the kids for the winter season. Dead plants have been removed, and toy trucks and shovels have taken their place.

 

 

I am hoping... To find some inner peace this season. Something's gotta give...

 

I am looking forward to... Tomorrow. Nothing on the calendar. I want to work on the trim for the bathroom.


I am learning... How to make a sock bun. It's nearly impossible to get Rylan's shorter hair into a bun. (WHY did I cut her hair in September!?!?!?). Lots of hairspray and about 50 billion bobby pins are involved.

I am hearing... The fish tank gurgling because it needs more water, dog toenails dancing in the kitchen because the kids are gorging on doughnuts and Abby is begging, and Owen and Colin arguing over the toy pile we just excavated from the backseat of the van.

Around the house... We need to replace the floor trim in the bathroom, and sand and refinish the door trim. Then we need to reinstall the toilet and put in the new vanity/sink.

I am pondering... The meaning of life?? How to balance it all?

 

One of my favorite things... Poinsettias

A few plans for the rest of the week... The Nutcracker performance tonight, Christmas cookie baking time with friends on Tuesday and the usual line up of violin, karate, scouts and dance class.

 

Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

 

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The hours in between...

clock

 

 

My uncle passed away early this morning.  Despite the tremendous efforts of a small team of surgeons to correct my uncle's serious heart ailments, after 16+ hours of surgical and recovery effort, his heart was just too weak and his body began to shut down.

 

 

My uncle and his family knew the risks.  The surgical plan had been debated over by his doctors for months.  He was not new to open-heart surgery - he had been through it before more than once.  His cardiologist thought it was too risky - too many intricate tasks had to been completed - the surgery would be a marathon - and it wasn't guaranteed to be successful.  Yet.  If he didn't have the surgery, his heart would give out..sooner rather than later.  So my cousins flew in and spent the weekend with their parents, enjoying their time together - all the while knowing that it could potentially be the last time.

 

 

And sadly, it was.  My aunt has managed to hold it together amazingly well, and there will be a Celebration of Life just a few days before Christmas - when the rest of the family was scheduled to arrive anyway. 

 

 

My dad is the oldest of seven kids, and my uncle (his only brother), was second oldest.  They were about two years apart and very close.  I imagine that they were a force to be reckoned with when they were young.  My grandma always kept their senior portraits on her dressing table, and - at that age, they were hard to tell apart!  I often look at my youngest two, Owen and Colin, and think of my dad and uncle Buzz - two little towheads that were often naughty.  My uncle was quiet and very kind.  He had the best-looking lawn around, and he would mow it often with his John Deere.  I can remember getting a ride or two around the yard when I was little.  He was also a bit of a prankster - along with my dad.  I can remember coming to visit my aunt and uncle one evening several years ago, as they were camping for a week at a nearby lake.  My dad was visiting too, and they surreptitiously slipped in a length of copper pipe with a cut piece of garden hose inside in amongst the logs.  Soon enough, green, purple and pink flames appeared.  I thought I was seeing things.  They told me I was - all they could see was a regular orangy/red campfire.  It took several minutes of arguing/laughing/grinning before they gave it up and shared their secret.  I can remember the smiles on both my dad's and uncle Buzz's faces - they were like teenage boys again.

 

It has been about 14 hours since I got the 2 am phone call that uncle Buzz was gone.  All morning and afternoon I've been thinking strange thoughts...

 

* It was only 'x' hours ago that he was still alive...

 

* I wonder what initially happens to their spirit when they leave?  I am of no firm belief in anything particular about the afterlife.. but I am curious.

 

* Was he aware at all of what was happening?

 

I had these same thoughts when both of my grandmas passed away last year.  Those first few hours in between when you hear the news and when you reach acceptance that the loved one is gone are a strange time indeed.  It feels insensitive, but I guess it is one's way of dealing with news they are unprepared to hear? 

 

 

Hug your loved ones tonight... and make all of your days count.