Peep hole? Really?

Here are some recent search terms that have directed 'people' to my blog lately...

'sexy camping girls'

** if you are looking at our girl scouts, I want to speak with you.  Now!

'how teen vampires eat'

**WTF?  I don't think I have EVER discussed the dietary habits of teen aged vampires on this blog.  Why?  Because they don't exist....

'peep hole in basement wall'

**you are one sick bastard.  I want to speak with you, too.  Preferably through a glass partition.

You say Tomato, I say Pomodoro

I give myself one Pomodoro to get this blog post written...

(yeah, right... now try to convince the perfectionist within....)

This is a follow up to yesterday's musing about Rylan and ADHD.  Okay 'musing' sounds a little lighthearted... how about doomsday prophecy? 

My mother presented Dean and I with the most awesome gift of *time* (ie. - a date!) last night, so we headed out for a quick dinner.  It is so nice to be able to have serious parenting conversations without kids around...

(instead of hearing, "Whatcha talkin' about?" 38 times in a five-minute time span.)

It's also polite to actually include the other parent in conversations that you have with yourself (and your 3 or 4 adoring fans) about your children and any medical diagnosis that you may bestow upon them.

Dean actually has a lot to say on this subject - as well he should, since he is 50% responsible for the genetic crapshoot that eventually became our beloved child.  His genes won this round though, in the ADD department.  As he said last night, to look on the bright side, we've got the advantage that we have lots of experience on how to live with ADD/ADHD.  True.  So, let's talk about what that experience has taught us, and where to go from here.  Most of the conversation from here on out are Dean's thoughts as they came at me rapid fire on the drive home from the restaurant...  I invited him to write a guest post and he declined.  He said he was just 'in the moment', and by the next morning (right now) he would be on some other tangent.  So true.  So ADD.  :)

1.  Going for the diagnosis.  Most parents don't realize there is a problem until the child enters school.  (Timmy has always been an 'active' child... just wait until he is required to sit at a desk for six hours a day!)  It is true that the average age that a child is diagnosed is getting younger and younger.  How do you separate the normal immature, childish exuberance of a six year old from a serious psychological issue?  The most qualified medical professional to make the call is a child psychiatrist.  Don't take this issue to the pediatrician (like we did with Jordan).  There is just too much at stake, and if you are going to take a serious step and use medication, it's best to work with someone who really knows all of the different manifestations of ADD/ADHD, and the best meds to regulate them.

Paperwork.  The psychiatrist will ask for documentation - from teachers, family members, counselors...  One of the best things you can do is keep a symptom journal.  (Something I am going to start immediately).  Write down the behaviors you see, the times that they occur, the environment that they occurred in, etc... Also comment on diet and sleep.

2.  Regulate the environmental distractions.  This is so hard for me, and also why we don't send the kids to public school.  Since the presence of the two younger children are distracting to both Jordan and Rylan when they are doing schoolwork, I have to keep them separated as much as possible.  This year that will be even more difficult, when I also need to squeeze in preschool work time with Owen.  Colin is by far the biggest concern.  He is the younger version of Jordan - he is the extrovert, and hates to be alone.

No tv during school time, and music sometimes helps, and other times it is a hindrance.  Soft piano or jazz seems to work best.  If using music with lyrics, make it something the child knows well.  If it is new, it will activate the portion of the brain that reacts to any 'new' stimulus in the environment (SQUIRREL!!), and distract from the work at hand.  Dean, Jordan and Rylan all have a severe 'squirrel response'.

This also means that for this coming year (although we school year-round so it feels silly to say that) we need to set up more permanent separate work environments for both Jordan and Rylan.  We'll have to set up a desk in our bedroom for Jordan, and Rylan already has a nice little table and chairs in her room.  This doesn't mean that I send them up to their rooms with stacks of workbooks and tell them I'll see them in a few hours.  It just means that when we reach an independent work item, they have a quiet, distraction-free zone to work in.

3.  The Pomodoro Technique.  (go ahead and follow the link now, so that you know what I am talking about...)  I came across this a couple of years ago and showed it to Dean.  He now employs it regularly at work to help him stay focused, and he reports that it is pretty effective.  I use a modified technique at home, part of the Fly Lady system, just in a shorter time increment.  If I ever experience the miracle of a 25 consecutive minute stretch of uninterrupted work time, people would lay down their weapons and their Bibles and there would be World Peace.

So how do you use this technique with kids?  Dean's idea was to send the child, with their ability-appropriate assignment, off to their workspace to get it done.  Give them a goal.  For Jordan, it would be 'finish these two pages (within a particular time frame), then come find me so we can go over it'.  For Rylan, it would be more like 'do these two problems', then come find me.  Then we can check off their work. 

4.  Reminder lists/schedule.  The older two already have a laminated day-of-the-week card that lists out all of their commission-related chores (tied to their weekly allowance) and daily schoolwork, with places to designate if they did it, and how long they spent.  These cards let me tally their commissions earned, and the actual time spent on schoolwork.  One of these days I'll get around to actually posting more in detail about it.  (Soon!  I promise!)  But here is a photo of one of these cards from this past week so you know what I am talking about..

It is important to give the ADD/ADHD child a way to document their work (successes).  Number one, they often hear more negative messages than positive ones about their (in)ability to stay on task and get something done.  They need a way to measure progress.  How will a child ever learn to self-manage if they don't have any sort of benchmark system?  The child can see that they got two problems done... and it took them six minutes of work time.  Next time around (knowing that they are capable) they can make it a goal to get three problems done within that time...or whatever.

It is also important to help an ADD/ADHD child manage time.  They can't self-regulate, and schedules help immensely.  A list to refer to - no matter how detailed - will help them feel less scattered and overwhelmed.  It also helps the child that always wants to know "What's next?"  Keeping a family calendar will also settle the question, "What are we doing today?", without you having to answer it on an hourly basis.  They can SEE the answer for themselves.

5.  Predictable routine.  This is the hardest one for me.  My daily energy and mood is so up and down that I can't keep things consistant.  And then you throw five other personalities into the mix and then all bets are off.  We try.  We really, really try.  But so far we have totally missed the mark on this one.  At least we know what to strive for - but meal times, bed times, school times, nap times, chore times and shopping times all vary...on a daily basis.  Right now we are a spur-of-the-moment kind of family, and this really does not work well for us... Sigh.

 

Okay, I have now gone through three Pomodoros... the last two of which were interrupted by small children requesting juice, something to eat, and something interesting to watch on tv.  Something NOT Olympics related. 

See what I am up against?

The trouble with distraction...

I totally suffer with distraction.  Too much input, too many irons in the fire, too many areas of interest, too many children....  Blogging about daily life is hard when you are distracted.  Because stuff comes up, you wander down this rabbit trail and then that one, and then you forget to actually document the life you are living!

Case in point...

The second Saturday in July was the most recent round of belt promotions for the kids.  Jordan didn't participate because he missed a significant portion of that 9-week cycle due to visitation with his mom and summer camp, so we just opted to skip it (and save a little money, to boot).  I try to remark on the things the kids are up to, but I realized I've missed a promotion here and there - and I didn't even attend the last one - my mom took her.  But this one, for Rylan, was a little different, and definitely requires some introspection.

My goodness.  This little girl's form has grown by leaps and bounds!  I am so very, very proud of her.  She even gets to sport her favorite color, purple, for the next 9-week cycle.  The testing went great.  She was able to do her forms correctly, she answered questions correctly, and she watched and responded to her instructors.  That, right there, is what is significant to this conversation. 

You see, just as I snapped this last picture of Mr. Schuett, lead instructor and owner, tying on her belt, he looked her in the eye and said to her that during this next cycle she needed to work hard and do a better job of paying attention during class.

Ouch.  On many different levels.

1.  Mr. Schuett was spot on.  He, as well as all of the other instructors, have high expectations - and that is what I love so very much about this academy.  He has mentioned, on previous occasions, that Rylan is highly distracted and he is concerned.

2.  I kinda wish he hadn't said it in such a public way, but Rylan is, sadly, a little oblivious when it comes down to it.  The timing did actually lend itself to him congratulating her as he presented her belt, but letting her know that there is definite room for improvement.

3.  It hurts me deeply to acknowledge that we are, once again, navigating this difficult road (ADHD) with another child.  But there is bitter truth in what he had to say.  She is unable to attend to what the group is doing in a satisfactory way, and she needs to be made aware of it.

4.  It didn't help matters that in a few weeks after this her swim instructors said the same thing to me during her lessons.

I'm not crazy about other people covertly labeling my child, but on the other hand I know that these observations are being made by adults who are have spent a significant amount of time with all sorts of kids, and they know when there is a problem.  I'm guilty of it as well - I can remember making 'suggestions' to some of my students' parents as well.  I guess it just hurts when an outsider confirms what you have been long-suspecting.

I am not sure how we will progress with this.  When Jordan hit 5 1/2, he was on meds.  Rylan is 6, and I keep holding out hope that her case is not as extreme.  But the symptoms are all there...

1.  interrupting everyone and everything
2.  inability to attend to any one activity for even just a few minutes
3.  extreme need to be physically active - especially at the end of the day
4.  tremendous range of emotions in a short span of time - anger being the most extreme
5.  staring into space, looking out the window - even in the midst of fun activity
6.  inability to stay with a story, game, show, event for its duration
7.  handwriting is a chore - although she enjoys writing/drawing/painting for fun
8.  wide range of interests, but engagement is fleeting - to the extreme

I know there are those who would say that my list represents any ol' average six year old.  Not so.  Not until you actually live with a child who has ADHD, and try to work with one will you understand the complexity and frustration that develops in your relationship with that child.

I did shun meds for a short time, and tried working with diet (Feingold) and environment, but it wasn't enough.  Our personal relationship (mine and Jordan's) was suffering greatly, and it was jeopardizing our ability to continue on the homeschooling journey, so we returned to medication, and it has greatly improved things.  I am now concerned that the same is happening with Rylan.  She is more negative than positive when it comes to doing schoolwork.  She is more concerned about what hoops she has to jump through to just get it over with, rather than really absorbing or enjoying any of what we are doing.  And yes, I am constantly changing my game, my approach and even my expectations, and I am exhausted by the process.

This is, again, when I hate being a grownup who must make a judgement call with regards to someone's well-being.  What if I make a bad decision???  And what will it look like if I approach Jordan's doctor with my concerns about Rylan?  I don't want to be a mom who thinks there is something wrong with all of her children and wants medication to 'fix it'.

Well, if we have anything going for us... it's that Rylan does, in fact, like stickers....

When you're in the middle of heat-index hell...

Poor Jordan.  We left him behind in OKC last week so that he could spend the other half of his six-week visitation with his mom.  (He does six weeks every summer, and this year we had to spilt the visit into two parts, so that scout summer camp could be sandwiched in between...).  We spent last week out there (in part to deliver him to his mom, and in part to visit family), and drove home on Saturday.  I am so so so so glad that we were there last week and not this week, because apparently it's a little hot in OKC.

Okay.  It's REALLY hot in OKC.

I am consumed with guilt (not really) that we are back home in Colorado, enjoying the monsoonal flow of cooler temps and afternoon rains.  Ahhhhh.  So how do you cool off in OKC?  As luck would have it, Dean's folks live just a couple blocks away from a nice little spray park.  During our visit we typically hit it in the evenings, when the temps hovered around 98F or so.

It is supposed to hit 113F in OKC today... hang in there, Jordan!!

(In the meantime, we will be enjoying the low cloud cover and mid-80's...)





Good stuff in = Good stuff out

Watch what you eat - there may be a moral agenda attached!

My nightly ritual after putting the kids to sleep and crawling in bed myself, is to take one last look at Facebook.  That is typically the time of day that other late-nighters are posting funny/insightful stuff as well.  I follow the links of interest that were posted during the day, read the blog posts and watch the YouTube videos that came through my feed.

Last night, for what felt like the umpteenth time, I felt worse about the world and some of the people in it after my reading session than when I started.  For someone who is struggling to keep depression at bay on a daily basis, this is bad.  Really bad. 

Posts that tout a political and moral agenda that are so very, very contrary to mine are no longer enlightening or helping me to keep a balanced and fair perspective.  Now they just feel like hate mail.  Lots of hate mail.  Post after post of hate mail.  And I am so very, very tired of it.

If I wasn't so tired last night, I would have put down my iPhone and gone downstairs and deleted my Facebook account.  Or at least started the unfriending process.  But I knew better because the unfriending process can have unintentional consequences, and that is not the message I want to send.  I just decided to sleep on it.  So this morning, after consulting with Dean, I am going to comb through my account and unsubscribe from a lot of feeds - which means we are still friends, I just don't have to read all of the negative posts anymore.  That way there are no hard feelings, or uncomfortable silences at the holiday dinner table and so on and so forth.  In a nutshell, I appreciate your opinions, and you are absolutely entitled to them, but you're bringing me down.  In a big way.  Like in shaking my faith in humanity and basic kindness kind of way.

For the record:

1) I am an Obama supporter, but I am a moderate.

2) I have some family members and lifelong friends who are gay.  It confounds me how a person's sexual orientation has an effect on anyone BUT that person.  I wholeheartedly support gay marriage and despise legislators and businesses that make it their personal agenda to continue to marginalize the LGBT community.  Equal rights - for everyone!

So how does a on-the-cusp depressionholic keep the blues away?  Filter out the bad stuff.  I am no Pollyanna, and I don't own a pair of rose-colored glasses, but to prevent any more backsliding I need to just concentrate on the good stuff.   There a several friends out there who post inspirational stuff (non-religious), funny stories and intellectual food for thought - you all keep the good vibe going and I appreciate all of you!  Social media should be fun - not a battleground.

The State of the Union

A wedding anniversary is the celebration

of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity.

The order varies for any given year.

~Paul Sweeney

A couple of years ago my friend, Lorin, shared with me an annual ritual that she and her husband have, called the 'State of the Union'.  It is a frank discussion between marriage partners (over copious amounts of food and wine) about the state of the marriage.  It is a way to safely express concerns, air grievances, strategize and set goals for the coming year - all for the sake of keeping the lines of communication open and honest.  I loved the idea, but just never got around to sharing it with Dean and working it in to our already busy lives.  But 'busy' means that touchy emotions can get buried... which is dangerous.

This past week we celebrated our 7th wedding anniversary while we were on vacation in OKC.  It actually worked out to our advantage - the grandparents were all too happy to babysit, and we could enjoy an upscale dining experience and have some time to actually talk, instead of refereeing the little people and dodging three different pairs of legs as they wildly kicked at each other under the table.

So, with two lovely glasses of chilled Reilsing in hand, we toasted to our happiness and began our first 'State of the Union'.  The topics which you can choose to discuss are only limited by your imagination, but for this time around we worked off of the list that Lorin emailed me...

* division of labor

* parenting

* homeschool

* sex

* finances

* work

* time alone

* travel

* friends

* church

* website/blog/home business

* family (like inlaws)

* home projects

* goals

It was so nice to have a framework for discussion!  Luckily, for us, the potential hot-button issues (division of labor/parenting/finances) had already been hashed out previously (thank you Financial Peace University!!) and have been in 'maintainence mode' for a while.  We only got halfway through our discussion before dinner and dessert were over - we saved the rest until the drive home (a fine way to pass the time in Kansas).

I think that one of the most important aspects of a union is to acknowledge that you are marriage partners first, and parents second.  It is hard to remember that, sometimes, in the midst of chores, schooling and doctor appointments.



Oh SNAP!

One of these days Jordan will learn NOT to take on his dad in a towel-snapping match....

(I, on the other hand, know that a damp kitchen towel works best...)