Shopping with children sucks



I didn't get my grocery shopping done last weekend.  So I have gone to the store every day this week.  I hate that.  I've also had to take kids with me.  Today, I took one of my coveted copies of Taste of Home with me to shop for a particular recipe for dinner tonight.  Big Mistake.  Because of course I'm going to be distracted by four little urchins.  And of course I am going to leave something behind.  And it might as well be the damn recipe I just bought a whole bunch of food for. 

I always double check that I have everything before I leave.  Four children?  Check.  Are all four mine?  Purse?  Keys?  Sunglasses?  The checker knew I had that magazine with me, because she fished it out of the shopping cart and handed to me.  But I obviously left it behind, and I didn't realize it until I got home this afternoon and got ready to start making the spaghetti sauce.  Damn.

I called the store.  I was on hold for fifteen minutes.  The checkstands are like thirty feet away from the service counter.  WTF?  I keep the phone to my ear, and I call back on my cell phone.  I am put on hold again.  Great... Hall and Oates - IN STEREO!  Nope... can't find it.  I described it in detail - including the NEON PINK post-it that is in plain sight.  Nope... can't find it.  (cough, cough, bullshit)

Mom arrives to pick up an onion (bless her), so she stays and I drive back to the store to look for myself.  The store also happens to be 20 minutes away, since we stopped there on the way home from karate.  I pull up - and hey look - our cart is still where I left it.  No luck.  I go inside.  I check out the check stand I went through.  And well, wouldn't you know... there is a bright pink stickie, calling out to me.  In plain view.  Right there, right where the checker is standing.  Except that it is a different checker.  So nice of the first lady to stash it there... so it could be forgotten.  So nice for the legally blind courtesy clerk to claim it was taken by another customer.

King Soopers?  Fail.

I hate forgetting things.  I hate that I can't get my act together and get the shopping done late on a Saturday evening like I am supposed to.  Without children.  How else can I sneak a candybar into the shopping cart?

Jumping ship from a conventional life

I'm drowning in an ocean of my own making

Four years ago we made the decision to homeschool our children.  At the time, family members thought that it would be just for the oldest child, and that it would be temporary.  I knew it would be for all of our children, and for the duration of their school years.  I envisioned days of exploration, reading, impromptu science experiments, art supplies, field trips, vacations in the fall and occasionally sleeping in.

And we do these things.  Occasionally.  We cram them in around all of the other stuff called life.  Despite the fact that my heart tells me that it should be the other way around - that life should make way for our education.  Instead of doing what my heart desires, my life has been hijacked by responsibilities, meetings, and commitments I should have never made to begin with.

Two weeks ago I had a major freak out.  I wanted to quit.  No homeschool group.  No Girl Scouts.  I was not enjoying myself - why should I continue to do these things when they were beginning to feel so toxic to me??  I just wanted to retreat from everything, circle my children around me and lock the front door, turn off the phone, and - most importantly - never, ever check my email again, for it is always filled with "discussions", nasty-tempered messages and flaky, sorry-to-cancel-at-the-last-minute crap.

I love my homeschool group.  It has opened our minds to the world of homeschooling and brought many important, wonderful friends into my life.  But we have grown by massive proportions in the past three years, and the integrity of the group has disintegrated and we are on the verge of imploding.  And I am sad.  Very, very sad.  We are comprised of 130 families that don't give a rat's ass about the planning, organizing and mission of the group, and the 15 or so families that do.  I see a split hurtling fast and furious towards us... and I don't want to be in the crossfire. 

 

These two issues suck so much of my energy that there is not much left to give in the way of homeschooling - the whole point of all of this anyway!  I got involved because that seemed like the logical thing to do - if you join a group you should be an active part of it, yet I feel so frustrated with the greater membership that I can't even call this a 'group' anymore. 

All this to say that I am lonely.  It has been one endless race to get through the logistics, emails and record-keeping of each day, and yet having any kind of meaningful moments in time are hard to come by.  Last week was so damned difficult I just sat down and cried alone for a few minutes here and there, when I could steal the time.  On Wed, Thurs and Fri I spent all of 10 minutes in my house each day - and I am not kidding.  There was no break in the action.  Yesterday was the first day that I could have a few moments to breathe.  I went to Park Day and one other mom with her three boys was there - we arrived at the same time and stayed for a couple of hours.  It was the best conversation I've had in a long, long time - (thank you Kari!!).  For once, I didn't mind that none of the other 140 member families in our group didn't bother to show up - it meant that we could talk uninterrupted.

When you leave a conventional life behind, you have to guard yourself against alienating yourself completely.  Only those who live the homeschooling life truly understand you and your worries, triumphs and frustrations.  The friendships I have made over the last four years are my lifeline against depression, loneliness and feeling overwhelmed with the awesome personal responsibility that homeschooling is.  My self-perpetuated 'busyness' leaves little time for socializing, and the other moms are so busy too that I am sure they feel the same way from time to time.  I have found that the only way to make it work at this point is to schedule time with friends.  A few weeks back I went for an afternoon walk with a friend, whom I hadn't had time to really 'talk' with in almost a year - and it was so nice to catch up!  Sometimes you have to be unconventional to preserve your sanity.  But once-a-month grown-up time isn't going to cut it either...

Field trip: Miller Farms

Note: more pictures will be added as soon as my husband (ahem) gives me a tutorial about how to properly download pics off of my iPhone.  So come back!

Last Friday was our third fall visit to Miller Farms.  The first time we went, Rylan was one and some... I remember that visit very well because she put her hand down on some carrot tops and a big scary-looking black and yellow spider was just inches away.  I still can't get that image out of my mind.  I hate spiders.  My dad and step mom came along and we picked a ton of stuff.  The second time the visiting OK grandparents came along too, to help wrangle a very young Owen - he wasn't even one yet.  This time around just my dad came along.  We were clearly outnumbered by little people.

The purpose of this visit was a Daisy troop field trip.  We are currently discussing all of the good things that come from the soil in partnership with good environmental stewardship.  That's a fancy way of saying we play with dirt.  So a farm visit to pick vegetables goes right along with it.

Miller Farms is one of the best places to go if you would like to harvest massive quantities of vegetables yourself and haul it all home.  You pay $10 per person and you can pick as much as you want.  You just need to know your limits and know when you have picked enough.  I am still learning that skill.  A tractor will haul you from field to field as you stuff your bags with produce, and then you haul it all to your car in trusty (rusty) red wagons.  We needed S*E*V*E*N wagons to haul it all back to the van.  This time around Dad was picking stuff for himself, and then picking more to add to my pile.  Jordan actually did very well this year - he was able discern the good from the rotten, and he picked a lot.  Rylan did pretty well too - she picked two large bags of potatoes all by herself.  I told her not to pick more than she could carry, but she didn't listen.  So I carried them.  Along with the four bags I picked.  Owen picked about four carrots and he was done.  Colin picked one little pumpkin and he was done.  Picking up sticks was the preferred activity for both boys.  But we can't eat those.

This brings about a new sort of reality in our family.  Free child labor.  As the months and years roll by, the kids are able to help out more and more.  I can actually feel the strain of doing it all myself beginning to ease as they begin to shoulder some of the burden.  No wonder pioneer families had so many kids.

We had seven Daisies and their families in our group, plus a few Brownies, and we had a very good time.  The weather was near perfect and the fields were in very good condition - no mud and no spiders that I could see.  The soil was absolutely gorgeous - velvety soft after you turned it once or twice with a trowel.  How do they do that??  I can't even get my garden like that, and I add in the manure and compost every year...??  We picked loads of onions, potatoes, carrots, cabbage, corn, and pumpkins.  It was a Friday, so the place (around the central farm itself - the fields were relatively quiet) was just absolutely overrun with school kids and daycare groups.  I have never seen it so crowded.  By early afternoon though they all boarded their buses and left, so it was a little better.  We fought the annoying bees and wasps as we ate our picnic lunch, and played on the farm equipment, jumped on a giant air pillow and petted various farm animals after we came in from the fields.

In regards to the intended purpose of this trip, we missed the mark (and I knew we would - given the size of the operation).  At no time did we have conversations about farming, growing, rotating, irrigating and harvesting crops.  I should have talked a little bit about it as we went along, but I am no expert.  Besides, we were all intent on picking as many vegetables as we could - there was no time for talk.  If we were to do this again, I would select a small operation (and I have a couple in mind) where we could visit with the farmer and/or field hands and get a better sense of what it is all about.  I think it is fascinating and eye-opening (think Omnivore's Dilemma) to learn about modern day farming practices and we should all know WHERE our food comes from.

Anyway - we harvested way more than we can ever hope to eat.  Anyone need an onion the size of a softball?  Please?  I've got about 40 to give away...

Muffin Tin Monday, in an actual muffin tin...on a Tuesday

You just can't serve Halloween-themed foods in pretty pink silicone baking cups, so I unearthed my muffin tins and actually served one up - in the tin.  Orange is the theme today - with a pumpkin-shaped cookie cutter to trim up the grilled cheese & ham sandwich into something nifty.  The kids never noticed.  Do I try too hard??  I think they were distracted by the M&Ms.  Unsolicited chocolate always catches them off guard...

Field trip: Denver Zoo

October means it's time for our annual trip to the Denver Zoo.  I love going to the zoo in the fall.  The trees and shrubs are all different shades of yellow, orange, red and brown... the fallen leaves crunch under your feet.  The weather is warm, maybe even a little too warm in the early afternoon, but the rest of the day is just about perfect.  No crowds, minimal bus loads of school kids.. just the way I like it.

Last year we royally screwed up and inadvertently went on a free day.  The parking and the crowds were an absolute nightmare.  Never.  Again.  I made sure of that this time around.  Owen was sick last year as well, and stayed home with grandma Judy and I took the other three.  So this time around was sort of like Owen's first zoo visit (although technically it wasn't) that he could remember.  After rescheduling twice, last Thursday was THE day. 

We got to the zoo at around lunchtime, so we buzzed by the elephants as we made our way to our picnic site.  Colin went nuts as we went by Mimi and Dolly (elephants) - he communicated with them by making monkey noises.  I'm sure they understood every word.



We packed a picnic lunch and ate at the very spot pictured up top - it is one of my favorites in the whole zoo.  It is hidden within the circle of train tracks, just beyond the carousel.  The goose/duck poop smell was pretty powerful, but other than that is was gorgeous.  The older three wrestled around and fended off pushy geese, and Colin sat high-and-mighty in his stroller, eating a lion's share of the red grapes and throwing his sandwich triangles to the geese.

We finished lunch and then slowly made our way through the primates exhibit - Colin was most excited about the very mean-looking Mandrill and the gorillas and orangutans.  Owen loved watching the Lemurs and picked up about a hundred different sticks as we walked along.  Then we rode the train and Owen was easily the happiest little boy on the planet.  It was his first time doing something like that.  Sorry no pictures - I had to hold on to Mr. Colin.



We watched the sea lion show next and enjoyed some ice cream - it was getting a little hot!  They have installed a whole new play area and two-story viewing deck right by the sea lions - that was fast - it wasn't there last year.  Then we wandered around Tropical Discovery.

See that orange blur?  Yeah, neither did I half the time...  Colin's stroller had to stay outside, so the little zippity-do-dah had free run of the place, and run he did.  At least I had the forethought to dress him in a bright color.

He slowed down to check out the Komodo Dragon though...  "WOW!!" (Colin's word for the day)

We had a great time - can't wait to see the whole Asia exhibit when it is completed.  Jordan is still completely floored that the elephants will be able to walk across a bridge that goes over the pedestrian walkway.  Hope they don't poop.

One big giant happy sandwich



When my grandma Betty died this past April, my mom informed me that I had just joined the ranks of the sandwich generation... and that she had just left it behind.

THE SANDWICH:

Your parents

YOU

Your children

Slice into pretty wedges and serve on an attractive salad plate.

My therapist seems to think that I should be bothered by the fact that my parents need me from time to time.  That I should feel resentful that I have to help them from time to time, and that my brother, who lives an hour away, can't help out as much.

Nope.  I don't agree.  I am not bothered by that.  I get upset by other things.  I get upset when my mother doesn't call me in the middle of the night and instead drives herself to the emergency room at 2 am.  I get upset when my dad does heavy lifting by himself instead of calling me.  I am not bothered in the least that my brother lives an hour away.  He is close enough to come help if need be, and he always comes.  I will be upset if he moves away.  Because he is my brother and I love him.  Not because he won't be able to help me if/when I need it.

I think my therapist has it all wrong.  I believe she is coming from a perspective that isn't quite in line with mine.  She is a working mom, and her time is limited.  Although I feel like my time is limited, there is nothing standing in the way of me dropping what I am doing and coming to help at a moments notice.  Except maybe a diaper change.  But I have been known to load kids in the car, stinky diaper and all, just so I could get there.

My parents have had a rough year, each in their own way.  My mother took an 8 week trip to NZ and Australia at the beginning of this year, and ever since she got back, her body is just fighting her every step of the way.  Endless GI problems, a surgery to remove her gall bladder and degenerative discs in her lower back are making life difficult.  She can't lift grand kids or heavy boxes.  My dad went through congestive heart failure a couple years back, and it has been a long road ever since.  He hurt his back earlier this year as well, yet he refuses most offers of help.  He does lift the grand kids - but he shouldn't.  I make repeated offers to send over child labor but he won't take the bait. 

When my dad looked around at all of the different family members present at grandma's funeral last week, he remarked to me later on that it dawned on him that he was now one of the oldest family members there - with the exception of his cousin Everett.  That just put things into a completely different perspective.

I hate to say this - I mean it physically  hurts to say this, but it feels like my parents have aged so much this year.  Maybe it is because they both lost their remaining parent.  Maybe it is just coincidence.  But my sandwich just grew a little top heavy.  Do I lay awake at night and worry?  Yes.  Can I do anything about it?  No.  So why worry?  I don't know.  I just do.  I worry that I won't be around in a moment of need.  I worry that I don't do enough.  I worry enough that I try to call every day just to make sure nobody has fallen and can't get up.  It's the constant worry that bogs me down emotionally.  Not the extra responsibility.  I just don't know how to let the worry go and let life happen.  I will try to 'be' in the present and not the future.  

So here is my attempt to 'be' in the present.  Funny story: Last night my dad came over with his neighbor's air compressor to help us blow out our sprinkler system.  After fussing at him for loading it into his SUV all by himself, we set about getting the job done.  All four kids dragged out every last single thing with wheels from the garage and went up and down the sidewalk as we worked.  Rylan came up to 'Pa-pa' on her scooter and delivered him a pretend pizza.  Then she said, with a smile, "That will be one dollar please!".  My dad thought that was hilarious.  Later on, as a very tired Colin went up to dad and requested to be picked up with his customary knee-squeeze and "uh-uh-uh" sound, Colin immediately laid his head down on dad's shoulder and was motionless.  This lasts for approximately 6 seconds and then he wiggles because he wants down.  Dad made the most of it.  He said to me, "I love it when he just lays his head down like this..."

I do too.



Muffin Tin Monday on a Sunday

This was my sad attempt at a Muffin Tin last Monday.  My heart just wasn't in it...  The Dirt-in-a-cup took every ounce of creative juice I had (that's a stretch), so I visited the Family Fun website for inspiration.  I was looking for something other than a dessert.  I had virtually no food in the fridge, despite visiting the grocery store four times over the weekend.  It was a miracle that I had potatoes and cream cheese on hand, so this is what I could dish out on the fly...

Left-over chili from dinner last Sunday night, with a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese.  I LOVE chili.  The little kids do not.  Today they had to suffer.  Because it was all I had.  I sliced the smallish-sized Yukon Gold potatoes in half, brushed them with olive oil, sprinkled with Mrs. Dash and baked them at 350 F for 25 min.  They looked good and smelled good.  I let them cool for about 10-15 min., spread some cream cheese on them and then went out the garden to pick some chives.  Arranging them into two eyes and a mouth was a major pain-in-the-ass.  But they looked nice!  They didn't taste nice though.  I forgot to check to see if the potatoes were done.  They were still crunchy.  I H-A-T-E crunchy potatoes.  Yuck.  They only nibbled and so did I.  I had some lovely, old, dried out baby carrots in the bottom of the produce drawer.    The only winner here was the caramel apples.  I haven't had these since I was a kid myself - and you still make them the same way!  For Rylan's and Owen's apple, I cored it and then covered it in the caramel sheet (no stick).  I cut it in half after I pulled it from the oven.  A whole one would have been too much.  I gave Colin some plain apple slices because you never ever ever ever give a toddler caramel.  Unless you are prepared for some intense scrubbing.  Of every surface in your house.  Owen did marginally well with this lunch.  Rylan ate the caramel off of her apple.  And maybe one bean out of her chili.

The sad thing is that they didn't even recognize that the potatoes were ghosts.   Fail.