Happy Pills

Hooray for drugs!  Why the hell did I wait so long??

My annual exam and mammogram was this past week.  Once again I complained to my OBGYN that I am having horrible mood swings associated with my period and trouble coping with all that I have on my plate.  Last year she mentioned an antidepressant and I opted for therapy instead.  Which lasted three sessions and then morphed into some serious keyboard time on the blog.  A year has come and gone, and while it is true that some things are better, the mood swings are as bad as ever and I am still not coping.  Not in the least.  So she mentioned going on Zoloft and I could not drive to the pharmacy fast enough. 

I am now on day four.  I am feeling pretty good.  Really damn good.  Like shit-just-rolls-off-my-back kind of good.  I've been on my own with the kids this weekend while Dean and Jordan are on a campout, and even that has gone well.  I usually have a teary episode (or two) where I feel overwhelmed, but not so this weekend.  I even smiled and joked with the kids - which doesn't happen often.  I just may have my smile back, people.  If you know me and my past, that is saying something.  A serious amount of something.

Another test came today by way of a comment I received out there in social-media ville. It made me instantly feel like I was a four year old child and someone was towering above me shaking their finger at me.  And it hurt my feelings.  It's a little thing.  But it hurt.  Normally I would stew about it for hours, even days.  I would feel embarrassed and not venture out into social media, period.   I would withdraw, and emotionally castigate myself and feel stupid and awkward and all of that.  And I would snarl at my kids and possibly my husband and then toss down a bowl of ice cream.

I am pleased to report I did none of that.  It rolled off my back and I let it go at the time.  I didn't stew, but I knew I would want to write about it here.  Writing helps.  The drugs mellow out the lows (no highs around here) and greatly diminish my anger response, so that when it does come time to respond/process, I can do so at a much calmer state.  Hallelujah!

As for the depression side of things, it has definitely helped with the feelings of overwhelmedness.  I am a recovering perfectionist.  I hate clutter and mess, and when it is just a little bit, I am obsessive-compulsive about keeping an area 'clean'.  But there seems to be this tipping point - and when the clutter reaches a critical mass, I can no longer cope.  I know it's there, I just choose to no longer see it.  And pray that no one comes over.  And slowly, area by area, the house just descends into complete chaos.  That's when you see me huddled in a corner, teeth chattering, mumbling to myself.  It's a family issue.  I am so overwhelmed that I don't even know how to begin to address it.  (I know... go shine my sink....blah, blah, blah)  The meds will keep me from retreating to the corner, and also help me to keep a more positive perspective as we work through this as a family. 

So a few words of encouragement for those of you out there teetering on the edge.  Don't be afraid to ask your doctor for help.  Don't be afraid of a stigma or a perceived weakness.

My name is Kirsten and I have chronic depression and anger-management issues.

I take the anti-depressant Zoloft.  And it is helping me find my way back to joy.

Happy Fourth!

This Fourth of July had a very different 'feel' this year.  Fireworks are the furthest from anyone's mind - everyone is scared to death of another fire.  It is so dry here that just driving over a field can spark a fire.

Our city ditched its usual fireworks display due to safety concerns, but it did do something new this year - a parade!  This year is the 100th anniversary of our City Park, so the city chose to hold a parade on the 4th of July in honor of this anniversary.  Since 2012 is also the 100th anniversary of Girl Scouts, they asked our council if they would like to participate in the parade, by having the girls wear vintage uniforms and carry the banners for different segments of the parade.  The 'theme' of the parade was 'Transportation' (which makes total sense.. to absolutely no one) and was divided into different eras.

Rylan giving me the 'thumbs up'

The council put the call out a couple of weeks ago for scouts of all ages to walk in the parade, and Rylan readily volunteered.  She was the youngest scout there, and they had her wear a Brownie uniform from 1929.  She had a little hat (that looked more like a Hershey's kiss) and a brown linen dress with bloomers.  The parade route was almost two miles, but luckily it was early enough in the day that it wasn't too hot.

We had a good time people watching and parade watching.  This is the first parade we attended together as a family in years.  It was wonderful to walk along the parade route, after dropping Rylan off at the starting point and see so many people in their patriotic finest!

Lots of old cars... A-OO-GUH!

I'm a sucker for VW bugs!  And look!  It's our neighbors!  I won't point them out, but it's freaky when you look at pictures later on and realize your next door neighbors are in them.  Weird.

This was the best.  You could hear the cheers erupting from the crowd all up and down the parade route.  Firefighters have a special place in our hearts around here...

We grabbed some lunch after the parade, and then headed to the river to relax and cool off in the shade.  It had hit 94F by this point.  uugh.

We set up on the sandy shore and the kids immediately set about building a rock wall that stretched halfway into the river.  A nice couple was already at work on this project, so the kids just pitched in.  Not sure what purpose the wall was supposed to serve, other than the rocks were 'here' and *needed* to be moved 'there'.

We adults did not *need* to move.  It was too hot.

This guy survived three separate assaults by young children in the quest to hold him.  I do believe he will see another day.

Finished!  The on-site wall-building engineer (Dean) was certain that the wall was diverting the water in such a way that it made the tubers go fractionally faster as they floated by.  I think he spent a little too long in the sun hauling rocks from 'here' to 'there'.

And that was our day.  No agenda (other than the parade) and that made it immensely enjoyable.  So many good-natured people out and about today - at the park and at the river - all wishing each other a happy Fourth.  I have not heard a single firecracker all day, and for that (at least this year) I am eternally thankful - it means local citizens are taking the drought situation very seriously.

So thankful for the great community and country that we live in!

The Mother of All composters

Meanwhile, back on the farm...

I've wanted a composter forever.  Last year the compost was a heap of 'schtuff (and all of the evil leftover straw) at the end of one of the garden beds.  It was only partially decomposed at the beginning of this growing season, but I distributed it among the different beds anyway, and vowed that we would do it 'right' this year.

This of course meant begging my husband to build a proper compost bin (which doesn't really require begging - he loves any excuse to use power tools).  We had differing ideas about how elaborate we wanted the construction to be. 

This was mine:

This was his:



The man with the tools wins.  Which I suppose is fair, because he is the one building it.  We brought home the goods and he built it, I stained it.

I didn't know we were getting a two-fer - a composter AND a tornado shelter!

Friends joked that we now had a kid organizer.  We even added lids per Shawn's idea that we should keep them organized AND contained.  Yes.  Good idea.  But then I filled it with 'schtuff anyway and got the heap going.  I'll turn it into the next bin come fall and start another heap next spring.  So nice to have a place for scraps  - away from the garden and the house, so the flies, mice and snakes can have their heyday and not bother me.  Thank you honey!!!!  

Simple Woman's Daybook

Outside my window... Another hot day.  So, so sick of the heat.

I am thinking... About how to celebrate the upcoming Fourth...

I am thankful... That there are no swim lessons this upcoming week.  We will go out every morning and have some fun before the heat of the day sets in.

From the Learning Rooms... An awesome week of schoolwork under our belts last week - we are just hitting the essentials - math, reading, spelling and writing.  And lots of nature study.

In the kitchen... Dean is at it again - Sunday pancakes with blueberries!

I am wearing... standard blogging uniform - pjs.


I am creating...a shopping list. I know. boring!

I am going... to the store and maybe over to grandma's pool in a little bit.  (Hint-hint)


I am wondering...When the monsoonal rainflow will start. What an icky, hot summer so far.

I am reading... I just finished Elizabeth Noble's Things I Want my Daughters to Know, and I loved it.  I haven't read in a few weeks, and I just picked it up again and finished it in two days.  I think I was in some serious need of distraction.  Now I am on to finishing The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, which I began in January.  I'm only 45 pages in, and I already forgot most of what happened.  I'll have to start over.

I am hoping... For rain, rain and more rain.


I am looking forward to... The Fourth!  We are changing it up this year, since fireworks aren't exactly popular in our region this year...

I am learning... About collecting water/soil samples and what they can tell us.  I will be (finally) posting on our nature study blog about what we have been up to!


I am hearing... Birds chirping, but it is time to shut the window. The heat is on, and there is a smokey haze this morning.


Around the house... prepare to be excited - balancing the checkbook and hashing out the monthly budget!  wohoo!

I am pondering... If it is time to hill my potatoes yet.  I need to look on the web, because I have no idea.  My plants are getting huge, so the time must be getting close.

One of my favorite things... Kids enjoying popsicles and sprinklers.

A few plans for the rest of the week... Several more excursions to places that involve water and shade, schoolwork except for on the Fourth and laundry.  Lots of laundry.  I still have one more load of stinky boy scout camp laundry from LAST WEEK queued up!


Here is a picture for thought I am sharing...

Summer Solstice... and an evening walk around the lake as we did a nature scavenger hunt.

To read more Daybook entries and visit a variety of other blogs, go here...

"The 'Stuff' in the Stuffing" Therapy Session 4: Communication

Word Vomit

Do you know the email message that makes you feel like you were just assulted with a bunch of words that really should have made some kind of coherent sense, but you just can't figure it out?  That is what I call word vomit.  I have a strong dislike for word vomit emails.  Life is busy enough without me sitting in front of the computer - in total frustration - trying to sort out a sentence so that it makes grammatical sense or parse out an apparent stream-of-conscious thought put into words.  World: Please leave the free-writing for your journal (or blog), don't include it in an email that was supposed to give information.

Then there are those that are just plain poor writers.  Before you think of me as some heartless bitch, let me give you some background.  I had an average public school education.  Not an academic standout, mind you - just average.  I went on to college and loafed around for a couple of years because I really had no idea what I wanted to do in life.  And then it hit me.  Actually, a car hit me.  Well, not specifically me, a car hit my car.  A lady decided to window-shop and drive, and I was just in the way.  My head snapped forward and back like a marionette doll, and there you have it.  My life was suddenly derailed.  For like ten years.  My mushy brain got battered around and all of a sudden I couldn't read like I used to.  Or write.  Or be able to watch a sitcom and not forget what happened during the commercial break. 

Life didn't really begin to get back on track until a couple of years later when my mom made me get a job.  She handed me the classifieds and said that so-and-so restaurant was hiring servers.  Let me just tell you now - the best therapy for an individual with a closed head injury with short-term memory loss is to hand them an order pad and force them to be a waiter/waitress.  No, really!  The first few months certainly sucked, but then I started to get the hang of it.  I leaned heavily on the mental crutches that my therapists had tried on me to help me with remembering sh!t, and it finally clicked.  I waitressed for twelve years.  The best/worst job I ever had - so thanks mom.  (I really mean that)  Ten years post-accident I went back to school for six semesters to get my degree in El. Education, and I graduated magna cum laude, with a 3.97 gpa.  I'm not saying all of this to brag.  I am saying this because even though I had enormous difficulty stringing together semi-intelligent thoughts in the beginning, I was able to come back and learn to effectively communicate again.

So back to poor writers.  Maybe some people just. can't. write.  Possibly.  What I think the real problem is is that people either don't care, or are too lazy to reread anything they write before they hit the 'send' button.  It is like they give no thought to the 'readibility' of their message, or the impression it might leave its wake.  In the homeschooling realm, impression is everything.  (Unless you truly don't care).  You will be judged more harshly than the rest of the world about the correct usage of to/too/two and there/their/they're.  Same goes with refusing to capitalize a single sentence or writing repeated run-ons (aka word vomit).  If your writing skills are poor - what about your kids'?

I work on my writing everyday.  Some days it flows, other days I have to do several rewrites, and still other days I don't even dare touch the keyboard.  Those are the days when my mind is tired and up to its old tricks.  I am not perfect.  My mom and my husband tip me off when they catch a typo here on the blog.  It is almost always a homophone... and that is a typo I catch others making in their posts and blogs - so it is nice to know I am not alone.  And lest you think that I gnash my teeth at every typo I come across - not so - only when it gets to be so bad that it interferes with the intended message.

We have a large homeschool group - almost 150 families.  We communicate via a Yahoo group.  When you send an email out to the group, all eyes will read it (that want to).  It irks me to no end when an unintelligble email goes out to the group.  Followed by two or three more, because the first one wasn't clear enough.  Time is precious - especially to our lot - and to waste it again and again, almost on a daily basis trying to decipher these messages wears me thin.  There are mulitple authors in question here, but one stands out.  This was the crux of my problem all year.  How do you delicately put - "Please leave the parent communication up to me because nobody can make sense of your word vomit emails?".  How do you say that sending out 4-5 semi-related emails in quick succession (on a regular basis)  is not the way to a win over a crowd?  How do you convey that the group does not need to be reminded 6 separate times that a field trip is coming up?  You can't.  I tried to be nice.  I tried to explain how frustrated some parents were becoming.  I tried to bring it up at mediation and was immediately shot down.  That pissed me off.  When parents can't trust the information that is coming to them - there is a problem.   And this is not my perception alone.  This is not me being a nit-picky bitch.  When you've got the parents complaining - there is a problem!

Obviously I've stopped the delicate approach.  The message is falling on deaf ears anyway, so I give up.  But today, as I close this series, I brought my most problematic issue (communication) to the table, because it was the one that caused the most grief and it will be the one that will continue to cause issues - I can already tell.

The world should be kind to each other.  Given my stream of posts in the past few weeks, I'm sure you can tell that I am not in a very kind-hearted mood as of late.  That is what happens when you stuff, and stuff, and stuff, and stuff and stuff the frustration down.  The summer heat and the wildfire smoke have only added to the misery.  I know I have singled an individual out and made a point of airing my frustrations - but you haven't walked in my shoes for the last year, so please don't judge.  Stuffing down strong emotions does quite a number on my psyche, and it takes a while to decompress and come down from that elevated level of irritation that I have been operating on for quite some time.  I went through the same thing the first year we started homeschooling.

I'm feeling like I've rounded the corner.  Decisions and changes have been made, I've finally had a chance to delve deep into my emotions and discuss - ad nauseum - personal stuff - and I worked in a political rant (yesterday) as well.  Now all that's left to attack is religion.  ha!  Okay - so here's one for you:  If Pat Robertson even dares to say on television that the Colorado Wildfires of late are a direct message from God that he is displeased with the blasphemous heathens who live here, I will personally punch him in the face.  I don't think I can communicate any more clearly than that.

The Loudinator

I imagine a loudinator would look like this.

I need one.

To all of my Facebook family and friends (and their friends and their friends) who dislike Obama and anything to do with his presidency...

I like you...

BUT,

The sheer amount of hateful - fearmongering - homophobic - closet racist - tea bagger-loving - gun toting  - closed-minded - staunch conservative - liberal-hating - BS that has permeated my Facebook feed lately has left me in, well... a 'bit' of a mood.  Your hate is evil.  Mulitply that by the same mindset as half of the nation and now you have your answer as to why this country can't seem to right itself.

You hate Obama.  I get that.  But can you people understand that he IS the president of the United States and that that title MEANS something?  Your utter lack of respect for the office and for the court just leaves me (almost) speechless.  The contempt with which the conservatives of this nation regard this president (and his party) is without precedent.  Unbelievable.

I like Obama.  A lot.  I think he has great ideas, for the most part.  I don't agree with the way he would like to address our nation's educational woes (Universal Preschool and the acheivement gap), but the way he holds all of the people in our nation in such high esteem is a lesson to everyone else.

Spend a few minutes thinking back to the way the right-wing conservatives have mistreated those who are unlike them: the immigrants (legal/unlegal), homosexuals, women who exercise their right to choose, people of color, the community organizers of the world and those who's religious views are more moderate or diverse.

Think of the hate that has spewed forth from such unworthy individuals as Rush Limbaugh, Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and the entire FOX news network.  Just listen to them for five minutes and you would think that an outright war was going on - with target practice graphics and all.  Shame on them, and shame on you for giving them an audience and repeating their hateful rhetoric.

I just want to stand on a mountain top, with my loudinator, and scream to the world:

DAMMIT PEOPLE!  GIVE OBAMA A FIGHTING CHANCE TO LEAD THIS NATION FOR ONCE!  HE (WE ALL!) COULD HAVE ACHEIVED SOME REALLY GREAT THINGS THESE PAST FOUR YEARS BUT ALL YOU (THE CONSERVATIVES OF THE NATION) COULD DO WAS SNUFF OUT EACH AND EVERY SPARK OF HOPE FOR CHANGE WITH YOUR ANGRY RHETORIC AND REFUSAL TO COMPROMISE.  THAT WAS YOUR ONLY CONTRIBUTION TO THIS GREAT NATION.  YOU DESPISE THE PRESIDENT SO MUCH THAT INSTEAD OF ACTING ON BEHALF OF THE NATION'S CITIZENS TO STEER OUR COUNTRY TOWARDS BETTER ECONOMIC AND WORLD POLICY, YOU JUST CONCENTRATED ON DEBILITATING THE GOVERNMENT EVEN FURTHER.

OUR NATION'S PLIGHT IS ALL YOUR F^*#ING FAULT!

I think I have had all of the Obama-bashing I can take.  I am sure there are conservatives out there who think I am just as guilty of conservative-bashing.  I am a moderate.  I share some policy views from both sides of the aisle. I will point out wrong when I see it.  Fast and Furious was wrong and I am disappointed that the president evoked privledge over it.  That is not transparency to me.  See?  I don't think the president and his cabinet are infallible.  But I do think he deserves a chance to actually lead this nation as we elected him to do.  I know that the individuals who really need to read this won't, or they are unfriending me as fast as they can.  On the upside, my Facebook feed will be a much more enjoyable experience.  On the downside chance meetings at the park and Christmas dinner might be uncomfortable.

This is going to be a long election season.

One last bit - kudos to Chris (you know who you are) Your pizza comment made my day.  I honestly don't know which way you lean politically- and its your amibiguity that makes me smile.

Pop!

That was my head exploding in the heat yesterday.