Stickers? Are you SERIOUS?

We're in the midst of appointment week.  (What, again?  Weren't we just here??)  Yesterday was our busiest day.  Jordan saw his psychiatrist and counselor in the morning, then karate, and then the older three got flu shots in the afternoon.  I made them all get the shot instead of the nose mist - for two reasons: A) the amount of paperwork was silly - checklists to fill out for each child   B) Owen can't have the mist because he has RSV and is prone to pneumonia, so he had to get a shot anyway.  We were in and out of that appointment in 17 minutes - which I think beats last year's record - I remember even posting a comment about it on Facebook.

Anyway...

I am getting increasingly frustrated with both the psychiatrist and counselor.  Jordan sees the psychiatrist, 'Dr. S' sort of sporadically.  Sometimes it's monthly, but when things are going well, it spreads out to two or three months.  Things have not been going well lately.  Dr. S prescribes all of the behavior modification meds that Jordan takes.  Each visit he talks with me (and Jordan) about Jordan's behavior, does a weight check and routinely orders a blood draw just to make sure that everything is copacetic.  Each morning Jordan takes 20 mg of Vyvanse as soon as he wakes up.  The first behavioral transgression (ie - he does something obnoxious) typically happens within 2 minutes of him leaving his bedroom, so yes - I, in a not-so-nice voice, tell him to go take his pill.  The pill is a twelve-hour slow release, and then he takes 0.5 mg of Risperidone and 2 mg of Melatonin about an hour before bedtime.  Both meds are to help him sleep and even out the highs and lows.  Before we tried the evening meds, Jordan would routinely stay awake until midnight, and not sleep well at all.

At boy scout summer camp this past June, Jordan brought his meds with him, and had to hand them over to the camp office for the week.  It was his responsibility to remember to go and take his meds each day.  He was able to do this just fine.  We liked that he was taking responsibility like that, so we continued with that routine when he got home.  He remembers about 60% of the time.  We use a day-of-the-week pill case, so that way he doesn't get confused about whether he already took his meds or not.  Jordan's attention span is such that if I ask him to take his meds in the morning, he will get distracted by 10 different things on the way up to the medication closet.  Half the time he forgets what he was supposed to do, and just gets in the shower instead.  So I have to make a concerted effort to watch him take it.

Our visit with Dr. S last month did not go well.  It was our first visit since early summer - when things were going well.  On the way to our 10:40 am appt., Jordan was being especially antsy in the car.  Uh-oh.  "Jordan, did you take your meds?".  "Uh.... no?"  Damn it.   Then again, I like it when his Drs. can see him in all his glory - then they know what we are up against.  each.  and.  every.  day.  Dr. S asked (again - can't he write it down??) when does Jordan typically take his meds.  I told him the same thing I always tell him - 8 am, unless he forgets to take it.  Dr. S asked what I meant by he forgets to take it.  I told him it was Jordan's responsibility to remember to take it - I just remind him when I realize he is bouncing off the walls and hasn't taken it.  Dr. S's face actually turned red.  Red!  He was livid that we would do that.  He said, "If my name is on that bottle - it is the parents responsibility to give it to him.".  Well.  okay.... geesh.

Then he brought up stickers.  We could do a sticker chart.  If Jordan remembers by a certain time that he needs to take his meds, then he gets a sticker.  Otherwise, at the appointed time, I am to give him his pill.  Really?  A sticker?  The boy is eleven, for Pete's sake.  E*L*E*V*E*N.  He doesn't 'do' stickers.  In fact - he never has liked stickers.  I don't know if he had a bad run-in with a WalMart greeter as a small child or what - but he does not 'do' stickers.  And we've covered this with Dr. S before.  Several times.  So, as I was saying, last month's appointment did not go well.  I brought Colin into Dr. S's personal office (two smaller rooms w/in the clinic - one room is the room with the chairs that the patients and family members sit in to chat, and the other room is where Dr. S's desk is).  Colin was everyplace, and that 20 minute appointment seemed to go on forever.  Dr. S has two small children of his own, yet even though I had to leave my chair 20 times to go retrieve Colin from his office (I eventually just stayed standing), he never once thought to close the office door to solve the problem.  He just sat there, clearly looking annoyed with me.  The man has children.  Yet he has no idea what 'having children' means.  People like that REALLY irritate me.  He should know.  I know plenty of moms (and a few dads) that just intuitively know how to help you when your children are giving you a hard time.  They plant their bodies in a certain position so that a toddler can't escape a certain area.  They lend a helpful hand, a tissue, a cracker... whatever is deemed necessary at the time.  This man clearly has no experience with this.

He validated my theory about his inexperience during this most recent appointment.  By stating, again, that a sticker chart would be helpful for Jordan.  (Again - doesn't this man realize that Jordan is eleven??)  I was asking for some concrete things to try with Jordan during those difficult evening hours between 5-9 pm, when the meds have worn off.  He came up with stickers.  I bet that during his clinical study years, he missed the class that offered concrete exercises to try with kids, yet attended the one on stickers.  Because that seems to be the only trick up his sleeve.  Stickers.  I even left the kids in the car, watching a movie, so that I could be fully present to discuss the issue and get something other than the suggestion of stickers.  He is still clearly annoyed with me and thinks that maybe my expectations for good behavior are a bit too high.

(What is it with people telling me to lower my expectations lately...?)

Here is my rant.  I am sick and tired of spending lots of time, energy and money (thank goodness for insurance) to go see these "professionals" who don't truly understand what it is like to live 24/7 with a child that has ADHD.  And not just the doctors... most everyone does not truly understand how mentally exhausting it is. Oh I know, I know.. harness the mental creativity and redirect it.  "ADHD is a gift."  Some days I truly feel cursed.  I go to the Dr.s not just for the drugs (because I concluded long ago that I could not go through another day of out-of-control spastic behavior, and take care of three other demanding children as well), but for the advice and counsel on how to help Jordan - yet there is none of that forthcoming!  The counselor offers no concrete suggestions for Jordan on how he can help himself when it comes to making and keeping friends.  The psychiatrist can offer no help or advice on steps Jordan can take to begin work on self-regulation other than a childish sticker chart.  I asked Dr. S for advice on a very specific thing: steps that Jordan could take during his weekly boy scout meeting (it occurs in the evening - not his best time of day) to help him minimize distractions and he suggested moving the meeting to a Saturday afternoon.  You've got to be kidding me!  Yes - I am just going to call up the entire troop and request that the 40 or so troop members switch things up so that Jordan's needs are met.  I can't even begin to wrap my head around the ridiculousness of this suggestion and that he actually posed it as a serious consideration.  He doesn't think Jordan is capable of any attempts to self-regulate yet.  Bullshit.  Children are capable if you give them a chance.  He has proven that he can memorize boy scout stuff- protocols for this and that and the other.  He can certainly memorize a protocol for what he needs to do to be able to get through a boy scout meeting with minimal distraction and goofing off.

See?  It's easy...





1. Sit at least 1 foot away from his nearest neighbor (he has issues with invading personal space)

2. Don't touch or talk to your neighbor.

3. Hold an appropriate 'fiddle' object - like a single Lego - it keeps his hands busy and his mind focused

4. Don't blurt out - keep comments to self and watch, wait and listen until it is time to talk

5. Keep repeating your question in your mind until it is okay to ask it.

6. Form pictures in your mind about what the Scout Master is talking about to help you stay focused.

Wow.  I am way better than a licensed professional.

Lowering my expectations



I am not perfect.

 Our homeschooling group has a once-a-month meeting to discuss a couple of business items and then the rest of the time is open discussion.  There is usually a lot of coffee-drinking and knitting going on.  In order to give the open discussion time a sense of purpose/direction, we began the 'school' year with the thought that we would assign a topic of discussion for each meeting.  Last month was my turn (the first of these 'topic' meetings), and I chose 'Organization' - a topic near and dear to my heart.

I am not perfect.



I am not even close to being organized...but my closet is.  Two out of eight file drawers are.  My canned goods are.  And so are the band aids.  It ends about there.   Fly Lady is helping me each and every day to get the CHAOS (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome) under control.  She is also helping me keep my perfectionistic tendencies under control as well.  Dave Ramsey is helping me keep the financial stuff organized.  The past couple of months have seen a great deal of change around here - and most of it has been inside my head.

I am not perfect.



I went to this meeting to present the topic of Organization as it pertains to homeschooling.  Which means it also includes cleaning/shopping/cooking/list-making/planning/acquisition of materials and so forth.  I have struggled for four solid years now to find what works for me.  Which is ridiculous because our family is not static.  Kids grow and their needs change.  What worked six months (heck, six weeks) ago will not work now.  All I yearn for is the peace of mind that I am not letting any kid fall through the cracks academically, that the vermin are kept at bay with a semi-clean home, and that we have more to eat than just dried-out baby carrots and moldy cheese in the fridge.

I am not perfect.

I have spent the last four years making lists, charts, spreadsheets...  I love doing that.  Executing the ideas is a totally different topic for discussion.  But at least I look organized - on paper.  I have modified these lists over the years... and kept all of the old files as I made new ones, so I can look back and see how the modifications have grown - there is knowledge there - it helps me see what direction I am taking - and what I am striving for as an educator.  The number and complexity of details grow as well - and you can easily tell the difference between planning when you have two kids versus four.

I am not perfect.

I brought a copy of everything with me because, surely, at least one would resonate with someone at the meeting, and give them an idea or two for their situation.  I passed the copies around the meeting table and the papers went through about 20 different pairs of hands. 

Lists such as:

* annual goals

* short term/long term goals (as you define)

* lesson plans for the term

* materials needs (library books, household goods for science experiments, art supplies)

* curriculum on hand - what you will need in the future and when (think workbooks) - and so you don't buy something for the next kid in line when you already have it

* time-keeping records (not completely necessary in our state - I do it just for me)

* menu planning

* shopping lists

* packing lists

* cleaning schedule

* daily schedule

* record-keeping for ideas/websites/field trips/stores

* expenditures (which is a crime that they are NOT tax-deductible)

I am not perfect.

Twenty years ago I was in a car accident and received a closed-head injury.  It changed my life.  It meant the rigor of college had to wait another decade.  I have no short-term memory.  I have to write everything down.  I have to have reminders.  The busier I am, the more stressed I am, the more likely I will forget something or get totally side-tracked.  These lists aren't to make me look like Martha Stewart Does Homeschool.  They are to keep me sane.  I didn't make them for an audience to say, "See what a perfect homeschooling mom I am??"  I made them FOR ME.

I am not perfect.

As I was busy talking, explaining, telling stories and passing yet another list around... I could feel what some of the people were thinking.  Their eyes were glazed over.  Passing glances said it all.  I had crossed over the line into crazy-list-lady-ville and now the reputation has stuck.  I am keeping my head low.  I don't want to share with just anyone anymore - especially people I don't know.  I am not even crazy about sharing it here - BUT - 'here', on the world-wide-web, is where I got most of my ideas in the first place - from other homeschool moms that were desperate for organization themselves.

I am not perfect.

But that does not mean I will lower my standards.

(Even when it comes to homemade birthday cakes or Halloween costumes)

Don't be flaky



Your children are watching

If you say you will do something and then don't...

they won't forget.. and worse.. they will emulate

Promises will lose their magic and threats will lose their potency

Your friends and coworkers are watching

If you say you will do something and then don't...

You may be passed up in the future

Opportunities will go elsewhere... to others who are more reliable

If you say you will do something and then don't...

You are setting in motion a behavior that will destroy your reputation and credibility

And that, in the end, is the only thing you can truly call your own

Don't be flaky

Shopping with children sucks



I didn't get my grocery shopping done last weekend.  So I have gone to the store every day this week.  I hate that.  I've also had to take kids with me.  Today, I took one of my coveted copies of Taste of Home with me to shop for a particular recipe for dinner tonight.  Big Mistake.  Because of course I'm going to be distracted by four little urchins.  And of course I am going to leave something behind.  And it might as well be the damn recipe I just bought a whole bunch of food for. 

I always double check that I have everything before I leave.  Four children?  Check.  Are all four mine?  Purse?  Keys?  Sunglasses?  The checker knew I had that magazine with me, because she fished it out of the shopping cart and handed to me.  But I obviously left it behind, and I didn't realize it until I got home this afternoon and got ready to start making the spaghetti sauce.  Damn.

I called the store.  I was on hold for fifteen minutes.  The checkstands are like thirty feet away from the service counter.  WTF?  I keep the phone to my ear, and I call back on my cell phone.  I am put on hold again.  Great... Hall and Oates - IN STEREO!  Nope... can't find it.  I described it in detail - including the NEON PINK post-it that is in plain sight.  Nope... can't find it.  (cough, cough, bullshit)

Mom arrives to pick up an onion (bless her), so she stays and I drive back to the store to look for myself.  The store also happens to be 20 minutes away, since we stopped there on the way home from karate.  I pull up - and hey look - our cart is still where I left it.  No luck.  I go inside.  I check out the check stand I went through.  And well, wouldn't you know... there is a bright pink stickie, calling out to me.  In plain view.  Right there, right where the checker is standing.  Except that it is a different checker.  So nice of the first lady to stash it there... so it could be forgotten.  So nice for the legally blind courtesy clerk to claim it was taken by another customer.

King Soopers?  Fail.

I hate forgetting things.  I hate that I can't get my act together and get the shopping done late on a Saturday evening like I am supposed to.  Without children.  How else can I sneak a candybar into the shopping cart?

Jumping ship from a conventional life

I'm drowning in an ocean of my own making

Four years ago we made the decision to homeschool our children.  At the time, family members thought that it would be just for the oldest child, and that it would be temporary.  I knew it would be for all of our children, and for the duration of their school years.  I envisioned days of exploration, reading, impromptu science experiments, art supplies, field trips, vacations in the fall and occasionally sleeping in.

And we do these things.  Occasionally.  We cram them in around all of the other stuff called life.  Despite the fact that my heart tells me that it should be the other way around - that life should make way for our education.  Instead of doing what my heart desires, my life has been hijacked by responsibilities, meetings, and commitments I should have never made to begin with.

Two weeks ago I had a major freak out.  I wanted to quit.  No homeschool group.  No Girl Scouts.  I was not enjoying myself - why should I continue to do these things when they were beginning to feel so toxic to me??  I just wanted to retreat from everything, circle my children around me and lock the front door, turn off the phone, and - most importantly - never, ever check my email again, for it is always filled with "discussions", nasty-tempered messages and flaky, sorry-to-cancel-at-the-last-minute crap.

I love my homeschool group.  It has opened our minds to the world of homeschooling and brought many important, wonderful friends into my life.  But we have grown by massive proportions in the past three years, and the integrity of the group has disintegrated and we are on the verge of imploding.  And I am sad.  Very, very sad.  We are comprised of 130 families that don't give a rat's ass about the planning, organizing and mission of the group, and the 15 or so families that do.  I see a split hurtling fast and furious towards us... and I don't want to be in the crossfire. 

 

These two issues suck so much of my energy that there is not much left to give in the way of homeschooling - the whole point of all of this anyway!  I got involved because that seemed like the logical thing to do - if you join a group you should be an active part of it, yet I feel so frustrated with the greater membership that I can't even call this a 'group' anymore. 

All this to say that I am lonely.  It has been one endless race to get through the logistics, emails and record-keeping of each day, and yet having any kind of meaningful moments in time are hard to come by.  Last week was so damned difficult I just sat down and cried alone for a few minutes here and there, when I could steal the time.  On Wed, Thurs and Fri I spent all of 10 minutes in my house each day - and I am not kidding.  There was no break in the action.  Yesterday was the first day that I could have a few moments to breathe.  I went to Park Day and one other mom with her three boys was there - we arrived at the same time and stayed for a couple of hours.  It was the best conversation I've had in a long, long time - (thank you Kari!!).  For once, I didn't mind that none of the other 140 member families in our group didn't bother to show up - it meant that we could talk uninterrupted.

When you leave a conventional life behind, you have to guard yourself against alienating yourself completely.  Only those who live the homeschooling life truly understand you and your worries, triumphs and frustrations.  The friendships I have made over the last four years are my lifeline against depression, loneliness and feeling overwhelmed with the awesome personal responsibility that homeschooling is.  My self-perpetuated 'busyness' leaves little time for socializing, and the other moms are so busy too that I am sure they feel the same way from time to time.  I have found that the only way to make it work at this point is to schedule time with friends.  A few weeks back I went for an afternoon walk with a friend, whom I hadn't had time to really 'talk' with in almost a year - and it was so nice to catch up!  Sometimes you have to be unconventional to preserve your sanity.  But once-a-month grown-up time isn't going to cut it either...

Field trip: Miller Farms

Note: more pictures will be added as soon as my husband (ahem) gives me a tutorial about how to properly download pics off of my iPhone.  So come back!

Last Friday was our third fall visit to Miller Farms.  The first time we went, Rylan was one and some... I remember that visit very well because she put her hand down on some carrot tops and a big scary-looking black and yellow spider was just inches away.  I still can't get that image out of my mind.  I hate spiders.  My dad and step mom came along and we picked a ton of stuff.  The second time the visiting OK grandparents came along too, to help wrangle a very young Owen - he wasn't even one yet.  This time around just my dad came along.  We were clearly outnumbered by little people.

The purpose of this visit was a Daisy troop field trip.  We are currently discussing all of the good things that come from the soil in partnership with good environmental stewardship.  That's a fancy way of saying we play with dirt.  So a farm visit to pick vegetables goes right along with it.

Miller Farms is one of the best places to go if you would like to harvest massive quantities of vegetables yourself and haul it all home.  You pay $10 per person and you can pick as much as you want.  You just need to know your limits and know when you have picked enough.  I am still learning that skill.  A tractor will haul you from field to field as you stuff your bags with produce, and then you haul it all to your car in trusty (rusty) red wagons.  We needed S*E*V*E*N wagons to haul it all back to the van.  This time around Dad was picking stuff for himself, and then picking more to add to my pile.  Jordan actually did very well this year - he was able discern the good from the rotten, and he picked a lot.  Rylan did pretty well too - she picked two large bags of potatoes all by herself.  I told her not to pick more than she could carry, but she didn't listen.  So I carried them.  Along with the four bags I picked.  Owen picked about four carrots and he was done.  Colin picked one little pumpkin and he was done.  Picking up sticks was the preferred activity for both boys.  But we can't eat those.

This brings about a new sort of reality in our family.  Free child labor.  As the months and years roll by, the kids are able to help out more and more.  I can actually feel the strain of doing it all myself beginning to ease as they begin to shoulder some of the burden.  No wonder pioneer families had so many kids.

We had seven Daisies and their families in our group, plus a few Brownies, and we had a very good time.  The weather was near perfect and the fields were in very good condition - no mud and no spiders that I could see.  The soil was absolutely gorgeous - velvety soft after you turned it once or twice with a trowel.  How do they do that??  I can't even get my garden like that, and I add in the manure and compost every year...??  We picked loads of onions, potatoes, carrots, cabbage, corn, and pumpkins.  It was a Friday, so the place (around the central farm itself - the fields were relatively quiet) was just absolutely overrun with school kids and daycare groups.  I have never seen it so crowded.  By early afternoon though they all boarded their buses and left, so it was a little better.  We fought the annoying bees and wasps as we ate our picnic lunch, and played on the farm equipment, jumped on a giant air pillow and petted various farm animals after we came in from the fields.

In regards to the intended purpose of this trip, we missed the mark (and I knew we would - given the size of the operation).  At no time did we have conversations about farming, growing, rotating, irrigating and harvesting crops.  I should have talked a little bit about it as we went along, but I am no expert.  Besides, we were all intent on picking as many vegetables as we could - there was no time for talk.  If we were to do this again, I would select a small operation (and I have a couple in mind) where we could visit with the farmer and/or field hands and get a better sense of what it is all about.  I think it is fascinating and eye-opening (think Omnivore's Dilemma) to learn about modern day farming practices and we should all know WHERE our food comes from.

Anyway - we harvested way more than we can ever hope to eat.  Anyone need an onion the size of a softball?  Please?  I've got about 40 to give away...

Muffin Tin Monday, in an actual muffin tin...on a Tuesday

You just can't serve Halloween-themed foods in pretty pink silicone baking cups, so I unearthed my muffin tins and actually served one up - in the tin.  Orange is the theme today - with a pumpkin-shaped cookie cutter to trim up the grilled cheese & ham sandwich into something nifty.  The kids never noticed.  Do I try too hard??  I think they were distracted by the M&Ms.  Unsolicited chocolate always catches them off guard...